[georgejungle]

O.k. maybe not "scared" but kinda uncomfortable
in her presence. My Mom has a little baby temper maybe and
yeah, my wife has seen it, But my Mom has always been
very nice & loving to my Wife over the last 8 years, never
been mean to her or hurt her feelings, nothing.

Could be because my wife lacks a lot of the good old
"Self Confidence"...

Long story short, i resent it sometimes because I do a very
good job at making sure i'm respectful to her parents, talk
to them, get to know them, do things for them, etc. My wife
on the other hand, doesn't really try too hard with my parents.
She doesn't go any extra miles (if she was worried about them
liking her, which they DO) to try and say hello on an off day or
anything like that. She's not ever disrespectful toward them, she's
just a shy gal, but whenever we're with Her fam, she's loud.
Whenever it's just the two of us, she's loud.

Bottom Line: i'm just getting a little tired out over it. I hate trying
to convince her that my parents like her (they tell her they do) and
I get bummed out that she's so uncomfortable at my parent's house.
She doesn't talk sometimes. I know it shouldn't matter, but it
does to me. We had a disagreement today and now i'm kinda
in the dog house with her...Only because i told her she's so
negative whenever it comes to talking about going to my
parent's.

am i being too dumb? should I not care about this?

[Keridan]

Does she ever hang out with your family when you aren't there? Do they have anything in common you could exploit? Like common interests in music that you can send them together to a concert?

It sounds like this problem has been going on for a very long time and there may be deeper issues. If it's really that she is just shy and uncomfortable, it might be a matter of just breaking the pattern and getting her to enjoy their company.

If it's something deeper, it might help her to just describe how she's feeling and why she thinks she might be feeling that way around them. Is she afraid if she says the wrong thing your family will hate her and you two will separate? Is she jealous of them somehow? It may take some patience to find out what is bothering her, but it might solve your problem.

Failing all that ... Marriage counseling is your friend

Good luck to ya!

[JackJack]

She has felt this way and acted this way about it for 8 years?

So she has never really told you WHY or WHAT it is that makes her feel the way she does? Do you think its possible your mom or another family memeber has said something to her, that shes not coming clean with?

[georgejungle]

Nope, never hangs out with them alone. In fact she's
always getting on me if i leave her alone when at my family's
house or at family gatherings.

I think she just fears that she's so Boring and that she has nothing
interesting to talk about and fears being unliked by my Mom. Not
so with my Dad, she loves my Dad and he loves her. She's more herself
with my Dad, not so with my Mom.

Yeah, I knew she was Shy when we 1st met and I come from a background of shyness so i understand. Maybe we just need to hang out
with them more so she can get to know them more.

She's never brought anything to my attention (and she would) that
would make her feel uncomfortable. i seriously am thinking right now that
she just needs to hang with my Mom more so that she'll feel more
comfortable.

It happens this way with friends though too. friends of mine that she considers
"cool", she's afraid to hang with for fear of having nothing to say.

[JackJack]

Could be nothing, but something just doesn't sound right to me, not sure what it is. Its gone on for way to long for her to still feel uncomfortable.

Maybe you could have a talk with your mother about it? Do you think after she knows, your mother could go to your wife and reassure her she likes her and things are fine?

[georgejungle]

It's with Friends though too. Forget about my
Parent's coming over and my Wife Cooking for them???
Would never happen, she's too self concious about her cooking.

There are a lot of things i've rearranged or invites i've declined
over the years because I know how my wife is. She's a shy person.
But when it's just the two of us, she's great. I Love her very very much.
i just wish she had more confidence in herself and wasn't so negative
all the time or down on herself. It's starting to grate on my patience
but i love her, so I wan't to be gentle with her. She's a great gal.

[Keridan]

Shyness sucks. At best it holds us back from things that could be fun, at worst it causes panic attacks and damaged relationships.

My wife is incredibly shy. I can be but I'm usually very social. She takes it as far as letting me go out by myself sometimes as long as I still put her first most of the time. It's tough because she is incredibly sweet and loveable, but the very fact that she doubts herself makes people think she doesn't like them.

I would suggest she get some counseling. Shyness can be a terribly frustrating problem. If it's handicapping her to this point, she may need some outside help. I'm sure that you are supportive and try to help her realize she's a wonderful person, but sometimes it's hard to take that seriously from someone you know loves you already.

For the mom thing, I would try getting them to spend some time together or asking your mom to make a little effort as well. Sometimes it's just a matter of getting past the old feelings.

[quankanne]

or a matter of finding out what things they actually have in common. I'm not the shy type ... far from it ... but I never really got accustomed to just "hanging out" with my MiL because I didn't feel I had a lot in common with her other than her son. I had no problem with him devoting part of our trips to Alabama with her because I knew that she'd appreciate time alone with him because that was her little boy. Well, and because I just never knew what to say. Now that she's passed, a part of me wished I'd have tried harder to be friendlier to her.

explain to your wife that because you love both her and your family, it's only natural that you want them to get along, too. And that you'll do whatever you can to help foster a good relationship with them.

if she sees it from this point of view, she may try to overcome that shyness, you know?

[georgejungle]

all good advice and I thank you all.

I think it's all about the methods you mentioned, getting
together with my parents more often maybe if it was out
to dinner together. Something where we can all really talk
and they can get to know each other.

I'm more about her just being comfortable in ANY situation
though, so I'll try some things, try inviting friends over or
seeing if we can double dinner date with some nice friends
of mine. we'll see what happens..

I'm with you Keridan, my wife is sweet, fun and lovable too, but
no one would ever know it since she can be so shy to everyone
but ME and her own Family.

[sally4sara]

Originally Posted by georgejungle

Nope, never hangs out with them alone. In fact she's
always getting on me if i leave her alone when at my family's
house or at family gatherings.

I think she just fears that she's so Boring and that she has nothing
interesting to talk about and fears being unliked by my Mom. Not
so with my Dad, she loves my Dad and he loves her. She's more herself
with my Dad, not so with my Mom.

Yeah, I knew she was Shy when we 1st met and I come from a background of shyness so i understand. Maybe we just need to hang out
with them more so she can get to know them more.

She's never brought anything to my attention (and she would) that
would make her feel uncomfortable. i seriously am thinking right now that
she just needs to hang with my Mom more so that she'll feel more
comfortable.

It happens this way with friends though too. friends of mine that she considers
"cool", she's afraid to hang with for fear of having nothing to say.

This is the thing that I noticed. When I was married, it was to the eldest of the parent's sons and the one that was closer to the dad. My friend ended up marrying the younger one who was closest to the mom a couple years later. I had always gotten along with the mom and thought she was a sweetheart. My friend confided in me after one of the MIL's visits that she was constantly being ridiculously catty and snide to her unless her husband was in the room. If he was around, she was all smiles and cheery, but the moment he was elsewhere.......watchout! I thought she was making it all up. I had known the woman for three years and she was never anything but nice.
That was till I had the first grandkid. Thats when I got to see it for myself. We were constantly in battle! Its not that she is a horrible woman; just in a bad personal situation and I was an easy target at the time (so she thought). Now we get along very well even though I am no longer married to her son and I think its because she is a much happier person now. But back then, my friend had been raised in a very conservative Asian home and it just wasn't in her nature to stand up for herself; the MIL used that to her advantage.

Just putting it out there for consideration. Your mom loves you and treats you like family, you don't necessarily know how she treats people she doesn't think of as family.

[cutegirl]

Sounds like she has social anxiety

Does she have these symptoms?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Social_anxiety