I was reading some of the posts here and found that many people here can give some good advise, so I registered and decided to see if maybe I can find some help/answers.
In a nutshell, my marraige of almost 17 years is in great jeopardy. We have gone through some very tough times over the last few years and we started to grow apart. The other day she told me she doesn't feel the same about me as she used to. She told me that I'm her best friend but that shes not sure shes still in love with me.
Although we had a couple hints of the problems surfacing over the last couple of years, I was still devastated to hear this. I still love this woman although I most definately have been gradually becomming distant from her the last few years. So, yesterday, I wrote her a letter opening my heart, discussing out past and our family (we have 2 girls) and the pain I felt knowing all those years of marraige may be ending. I told her that I would do everything I could to try and make it work and asked her to do the same. I told her that she is still the most important thing in my life. Later that day, when she came home, she said she wanted to try.
My question is, how can I make someone feel the same about me as she used to? Am I wasting my time? Can you love someone again when you've let it slip away?
What kinds of things have happened over the last few years to make you both feel things are slipping away, and are distant from one another?
I do think people can rekindle things and start fresh, but it will take alot of hard work and dedication from BOTH partners. If both or even one isn't into trying to make it work then more than likley it wont.
Sorry you have to go through this, CH.
Over the course of long term M, people do change - sometimes they grow closer together - sometime apart. This happens on different levels... physically, intellectually, emotionally etc.
The question is can it be "repaired"?? Another way of looking at it is, is what you have together better than what you would have apart??
I sense from your post that one of the background issues in your situation is that communication between you and your W has broken down. She's gone through some changes, not communicated her needs or situation and now you've been blindsided.
I think you need to have a very open and honest discussion between the two of you to see how you came to this point. What she's feeling and why need to be examined. Possibly she has a health issue such as depression or early menopause that is causing these feelings and thoughts to surface.
If you can't down with your W and have such a discussion calmly and openly then maybe you should consider doing it in MC where a professional can referee and probe to get both of you some answers.
You may want to start the ball rolling by simply asking her what she want's. She may not even be able to articulate an answer as she herself may not know... but you do need to ask the question to open that door.
It may not be easy and you may not like what you hear, but you can't live in limbo with uncertainty forever..
The good news is that your wife is willing to try, that is a huge first step. Now you both have to keep open the lines of communication to determine why you both think things have progressed to where they are now. Is it due to a lack of intimacy, has the marriage become too routine in everyday tasks, etc. Once you both share these feelings with each other then you can begin the process of rekindling those feelings that brought you two together in the first place.
Screwedover-
Infedelity was the first thing I thought of. She swears that isn't it. I have no choice but to believe that for now.
Starman-
The routine thing is definately a possibility. Intimacy never really went away as far as sex is concerned. Obviously over the years we had our hot times and cold times. One thing she did mention is that I don't kiss her anymore.
Tripper-
Do we have it better together then apart? In my mind, I think yes. In her mind I can't know for sure. Depression was discussed and I think it's likely that both of us had been suffering from it for the last few years. We had a business that went down and brought us to financial ruin several years ago and I don't think we ever really recovered. Today we both have good jobs but the years of being depressed and feeling worthless have taken their toll on both of us.
enigmasmuse-
I agree it will take both of us. I'm not sure if that will happen or not. One phrase she mentioned that sticks in my mind was "Well try and see what happens". In my mind, I'm deeply concerned that I have far more invested in this relationship then she does. Maybe thats not true, I can't say for sure.
If I take her at her words, and take some hope that shes not lying to me about any of this (and I don't believe that is her nature) then I'm left with the monumental task of trying to rebuild what once was. She used to be fiercely in love with me and I her. I'd like to regain that again if I can.
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My question is, how can I make someone feel the same about me as she used to? Am I wasting my time? Can you love someone again when you've let it slip away?
I totally think you can. I think much like the economy, relationships have their ups and downs. It needs to do that so that it can come back up healthy and strong.
Just don't expect it to happen over night. It will take time. But you both need to start romancing each other again and finding that spark and love. If you had it once, it's not so far fetched that you can't find it again. And it's very promising that your wife wants to try. It's also very promising that you wrote a letter to express yourself.
you can get it back, stronger and better than before because of this new awareness of needing to work at it, but only if both partners are committed. And it sounds like you guys are more than just "interested" in trying.
the best thing my husband and I did for our marriage was to attend a Marriage Encounter weekend nearly 10 years ago. Boy, did that ever make us focus on our relationship! No outside interference, no hiding from learning how to effectively communicate, a lot of honesty and soul-searching ... my suggestion is that you and your wife look for a similar vehicle (I've heard marriage-builders recommended by several people at the 'Shack) to help you move into this next stage of your relationship.
right now, she may not feel like she's "in love" with you, but it doesn't mean that the love is gone, just that she might not feel like she's special anymore, and therefore the relationship has changed on both ends.
__________________ "It's the longest Hail Mary pass in the history of either football or Marys," said Rep. Barney Frank, one of the chief bailout negotiators.
Okay, I have read some great comments in here, but I honestly don't see the sought advice.
First, date her again. It sounds simple, but it's HUGELY important. If she's complained that you don't kiss her anymore, then she is likely missing this part of the relationship. Just because you're married doesn't mean you have to let go of the chase.
Suprise her with flowers, take her to the park and have a random picnic, go out and buy her something you know she wants because you love her, not because it's her birthday. Sprinkle rose petals on the bed and light candles by a warm and ready bathtub. Take her to a nice dinner and spend the whole time staring at her like there is nothing else in the world that could bring you joy.
Second, bring back the affection. Kiss her for no reason, tell her she looks hot today (putting it crudely might even get you a good smile), Don't have sex without an absurd amount of foreplay.
You said you two used to be passionately in love. So fall in love again. Treat her like a new woman. She probably is after all these years. Get to know her again.
You can't pretend the challenges of life don't exist, but you can make them secondary to the beauty of having each other.
Okay, I have read some great comments in here, but I honestly don't see the sought advice.
First, date her again. It sounds simple, but it's HUGELY important. If she's complained that you don't kiss her anymore, then she is likely missing this part of the relationship. Just because you're married doesn't mean you have to let go of the chase.
Suprise her with flowers, take her to the park and have a random picnic, go out and buy her something you know she wants because you love her, not because it's her birthday. Sprinkle rose petals on the bed and light candles by a warm and ready bathtub. Take her to a nice dinner and spend the whole time staring at her like there is nothing else in the world that could bring you joy.
Second, bring back the affection. Kiss her for no reason, tell her she looks hot today (putting it crudely might even get you a good smile), Don't have sex without an absurd amount of foreplay.
You said you two used to be passionately in love. So fall in love again. Treat her like a new woman. She probably is after all these years. Get to know her again.
You can't pretend the challenges of life don't exist, but you can make them secondary to the beauty of having each other.
She used to be fiercely in love with me and I her. I'd like to regain that again if I can.
Then start "dating" her again. Make out and kiss, remember what it was that brought you two together in the first place. Treat her with love, tenderness and as a woman. Make her feel loved and desirable again, sexy and beautiful. Do nice things for her, for no reason but because you love her. And, she needs to do the same for you! Start putting eachother first, instead of letting life get in the way.
If you both want it to work, it CAN work. But it takes 100% effort from both of you.
Treat her like a new woman. She probably is after all these years. Get to know her again.
Bingo! Look at it this way - if your marriage broke up and you eventually started a new relationship, you'd be doing all those little thoughtful and touching things for your "new" woman that we do in the beginning. For your best chance, turn back the clock and make her feel like you're connecting for the first time. It may feel silly and awkward at first, but I'd wager that the payoff could be significant...
Well last night, I bought her some flowers and a card. I jotted down some feelings I had on the card and set up a date at one of our favorite restaraunts. When she got home she said she doesn't think it will work no matter what we do. I spent literally all night trying to convince her that 20 years is too precious to throw away without trying. I asked her to try and forgive me for all the things I've done or not done. I told her she means everything to me and I want to spend the rest of my life with her and that if she can just try, we can slowly make it happen again.
She wouldn't commit to that. I gave everything I had last night to her and I think I still struck out. Bring on the pain and bitterness. I'm completely lost right now.
Well last night, I bought her some flowers and a card. I jotted down some feelings I had on the card and set up a date at one of our favorite restaraunts. When she got home she said she doesn't think it will work no matter what we do. I spent literally all night trying to convince her that 20 years is too precious to throw away without trying. I asked her to try and forgive me for all the things I've done or not done. I told her she means everything to me and I want to spend the rest of my life with her and that if she can just try, we can slowly make it happen again.
She wouldn't commit to that. I gave everything I had last night to her and I think I still struck out. Bring on the pain and bitterness. I'm completely lost right now.
"When she got home she said she doesn't think it will work no matter what we do."
Oh I'm so sorry this is happening to you!! You deserve so much better than this. Sounds like you have really tired and put forth the effort, and the sad part is, its one sided, and you've been in this by yourself. A marriage is two people. Once again I'm sorry, try to hang in there and continue to post here for support.
Keridan's advice was really good and I would follow it. I know it may seem pointless because the flowers and card didn't get the results you had hoped for, but it won't work overnight.
Keep trying though. Remember back to when you two began dating and were in the courting phase of your relationship. How did you act then, what sorts of things did you do? Most people put in far more effort in the beginning and as the years go on become complacent and stop putting in the effort.
Make her feel special again. Kisses, public displays of affection, compliments, planning something special for the two of you.. whatever you can think of. And don't give up right away, it took time for your wife to fall out of love with you and it is going to take some time for her to fall back in love.
I don't believe once someone falls out of love that is it. I think throughout a marriage you have periods where you might grow apart and out of love, but I think that it can be ameliorated.
You said you've asked her to forgive you for things you've done or not done? Do you know what those things may be? Often women in relationships will "nag" their men for a while to change things or give them hints they're unhappy. And when those things go unchanged, often we'll give up and that is when the resentment starts to build. I would be willing to bet there is more to this than just lack of affection. There are probably many key things she has said to you over the years that you may not have taken seriously. Try to think back to what those things might be.
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