It has been roughly 6 weeks since my breakup; a month since we were last in contact where I learned of his cheating.
Like everyone, I've been in the pits for most of the time since. But things are slowly getting better - the ups last a bit longer each day, the downs are a smidgen less long and less severe. I still cry unexpectedly (eg a couple days ago when a CD from the ex started playing in my iTunes library) and the smallest things can set me off, and often down those paths of "what was wrong with me, why did he reject me, what does the hooch have that I don't, is he totally happy with her now". My appetite has only come back in the last week.
BUT. Today has been a good day. Started with having brunch with a good friend. Then it was a day of errands. My kitchen has been woefully bereft of food for...months. My ex was an excellent cook and I pretty much never ate at home the whole year we were together. So today I went to Whole Foods and stocked up on fresh produce and staples. Picked up a new shower curtain to spruce up the apartment, and brought home a dozen beautiful African roses to bring some beauty and life inside.
I also went to the liquor store and got a couple of South African wines, and some vodka should I suddenly feel the urge for a cosmo.
Then I came home, ran some laundry, vacuumed, washed dishes, and went for a run (felt good!). I am going to go to yoga tomorrow morning, I am going rock climbing Thursday with friends, and I have signed up for my first voice lesson this week (it's always been a dream of mine to be a folk singer).
I am also considering taking some cooking classes. It hit me while I was out running that there is no reason I can't learn to cook as well as he did. I don't have to freaking mourn the loss of good food, gourmet almost, and specialty drinks in my life just because HE'S not in my life anymore. Hell, anybody can get better at cooking and mixing cocktails. So maybe I will, and then I will have that many fewer reasons to be sad about HIM.
So - it feels good, and positive, that I have finally regained some small slice of interest in my own life again. The pain is still there - I have unexpected triggers and sometimes I wonder/wish if at some long distant point in the future we will be able socialize comfortably together with all our mutual friends (without the awkwardness LikeCharlotte just went through last night!).
In the meantime, I think these are the only steps I can really take to get my life back under control and to re-discover the awesome woman I always was, and am, without him in my life.
It has been roughly 6 weeks since my breakup; a month since we were last in contact where I learned of his cheating.
Like everyone, I've been in the pits for most of the time since. But things are slowly getting better - the ups last a bit longer each day, the downs are a smidgen less long and less severe. I still cry unexpectedly (eg a couple days ago when a CD from the ex started playing in my iTunes library) and the smallest things can set me off, and often down those paths of "what was wrong with me, why did he reject me, what does the hooch have that I don't, is he totally happy with her now". My appetite has only come back in the last week.
BUT. Today has been a good day. Started with having brunch with a good friend. Then it was a day of errands. My kitchen has been woefully bereft of food for...months. My ex was an excellent cook and I pretty much never ate at home the whole year we were together. So today I went to Whole Foods and stocked up on fresh produce and staples. Picked up a new shower curtain to spruce up the apartment, and brought home a dozen beautiful African roses to bring some beauty and life inside.
I also went to the liquor store and got a couple of South African wines, and some vodka should I suddenly feel the urge for a cosmo.
Then I came home, ran some laundry, vacuumed, washed dishes, and went for a run (felt good!). I am going to go to yoga tomorrow morning, I am going rock climbing Thursday with friends, and I have signed up for my first voice lesson this week (it's always been a dream of mine to be a folk singer).
I am also considering taking some cooking classes. It hit me while I was out running that there is no reason I can't learn to cook as well as he did. I don't have to freaking mourn the loss of good food, gourmet almost, and specialty drinks in my life just because HE'S not in my life anymore. Hell, anybody can get better at cooking and mixing cocktails. So maybe I will, and then I will have that many fewer reasons to be sad about HIM.
So - it feels good, and positive, that I have finally regained some small slice of interest in my own life again. The pain is still there - I have unexpected triggers and sometimes I wonder/wish if at some long distant point in the future we will be able socialize comfortably together with all our mutual friends (without the awkwardness LikeCharlotte just went through last night!).
In the meantime, I think these are the only steps I can really take to get my life back under control and to re-discover the awesome woman I always was, and am, without him in my life.
BRAVO!!! I think you are doing great, keep it up. It is great to hear this and I hope it inspires more people to do the same, well done.
I enjoyed some fresh shrimp cocktail and a glass of crisp white wine this evening -- he doesn't get to take stuff like that away! Listening to John Mayer and Alison Kraus/Robert Plant and the Strokes has been therapeutic too.
But wow, alcohol is a depressant so....yeesh...I have some down moments to work through right now.
Instead, I will go call my dad. Therapy has helped me uncover that he and I don't have the greatest relationship and that has affected my choices in men, so for Father's Day I asked him if we could spend more time talking with each other and getting to know each other better. Tonight's our first "appointment" to do that.
I went to the rock climbing gym tonight, because I'll be damned if I am going to lose this part of my life. I made sure he wouldn't be there.
But I still only managed to stay half an hour before I had to get out of there. I kept wishing for him to be there, watching me boulder and giving me tips for making complex moves, being proud of me when I successfully complete the routes. He's played that role virtually the entire time I have been climbing, and now I have to learn how to love climbing without him.
This is going to be the hardest thing for me to reclaim. I swear I even thought "well, maybe we can be friends again one day and he can play that role again - maybe we can climb together in the future."
Which is so stupid and wrong, I know. And maybe this has deeper roots in climbing being the thing that brought us closest together or made me feel most validated and appreciated in our relationship...I'm not sure.
Anyway, I could use some support/advice/suggestions for how to deal with this aspect of my loss. I'm having a pre-dinner glass of wine, having already forgotten how it made me depressed last night.
Maybe take a break from the climbing for now. It doesn't mean you have to think of it as a loss. Just something you need to wait alittle while to start doing again. Give yourself some time, 6 weeks isn't that long. There are plenty of activities you can take up to stay active. Kardio kickboxing?
Wine is a super depressant for alot of people. Although shots lead to drunk dialing
Maybe take a break from the climbing for now. It doesn't mean you have to think of it as a loss. Just something you need to wait alittle while to start doing again.
Screw that! Sunshine don't you DARE take a break from climbing. You love it and it's yours! Let him take a break from climbing, preferably after he gets dropped on his a$$ a few times by the current flake.
YAY!! i'm so glad you're feeling better! its very inspirational to read your post! makes me feel that maybe we're all slowly getting better, but unaware of our own progress!! Its crazy what a difference just doing things around the house (familiar chores) makes you realize that it's you that controls your happiness, not him!
Thanks carrot and inulg - carrot esp given the hard time I give you over on your own threads.
I don't want to give up climbing. Thursday I am going climbing outside with two friends...hmm. They're E's two best friends, but that's NOT why I'm climbing with them. I've known Matt, one of them, longer than I've known E and Matt has been an incredible friend to me throughout. He's married to my good friend and I know he'll be in my life forever. I do expect Thursday to have some emotional bumps for me because it will seem like the obvious "who's missing from this group?" vibe will be there to some degree. BUT these guys have always been extremely encouraging of my climbing and they are just as good at coaching me as E. So I hope Thursday will help me reclaim a bit too.
I would definitely say progress is being made, inulg. It feels slow but actually I am doing great considering the timeline! I'm eating again and finally cooking real food for myself instead of eating cereal out of the box and making mac & cheese.
I am feeling a bit down but I'm coping. I'm going to read a book in bed and look forward to a better day tomorrow.
Thanks carrot and inulg - carrot esp given the hard time I give you over on your own threads.
I don't want to give up climbing. Thursday I am going climbing outside with two friends...hmm. They're E's two best friends, but that's NOT why I'm climbing with them. I've known Matt, one of them, longer than I've known E and Matt has been an incredible friend to me throughout. He's married to my good friend and I know he'll be in my life forever. I do expect Thursday to have some emotional bumps for me because it will seem like the obvious "who's missing from this group?" vibe will be there to some degree. BUT these guys have always been extremely encouraging of my climbing and they are just as good at coaching me as E. So I hope Thursday will help me reclaim a bit too.
I would definitely say progress is being made, inulg. It feels slow but actually I am doing great considering the timeline! I'm eating again and finally cooking real food for myself instead of eating cereal out of the box and making mac & cheese.
I am feeling a bit down but I'm coping. I'm going to read a book in bed and look forward to a better day tomorrow.
I went climbing today. Original plan to climb outdoors was scrapped due to bad weather, so we went to the climbing gym where E and I always climbed.
A few reflections on it:
(1) I was worried about being triggered by being with his two closest male friends. Didn't know if they would mention him, give me dirt on him, etc and didn't know how I felt about that if it had happened. Well, they totally didn't bring him up, possibly out of courtesy for me, but that was good. He was on/in my brain, but I kept it inside and didn't poison our time together by bitching about him.
(2) I realized that I am the only person in life who pines for, or misses, his company. His two best buds don't wring their hands, cry, or feel sad when they don't talk to him or see him. Sure, they're all friends, but the two guys I climbed with are both married and their spouses/kids are much more important parts of their lives than their friendship w/ E.
(3) I also realized that our conversation lacked nothing. What I mean is, M & J are more talkative people anyway, but they provided just as much coaching, support, enthusiasm for me -- more, actually -- than E ever did. And any non-climbing conversations we had would not have been made better by E's presence: he isn't a talker and rarely adds much of an interesting perspective to conversation anyway.
(4) I climbed almost as hard as I ever have, which is great since I've not really climbed in over a month. So my technical abilities are still there. Yay me.
To be clear, I felt slightly "off" the entire session, as I ruminated on all this stuff. But it went so much better than I thought. And I really began to see that E never really added a whole lot to our group climbing sessions: I certainly got all the climbing/conversation input I wanted from his friends.
Amazing how a little conversation with people who do not judge us, and accept as as we are, and are interested in having a fun and stimulating convo, can completely rejuventate us and help to see exactly why it wasn't working with the Ex.
Today was a reasonably good day. Went out to dinner (Asian food) with friends tonight, and my fortune cookie fortune read: Happier days are definitely ahead for you, struggle has ended.
I think that's the best, most on-point fortune I've ever gotten!
I am also feeling better because I know he left today to go overseas for a week or 10 days - a trip I was supposed to go on with him. Who knows, maybe the stupid hooch is with him, but even if she is, HE is out of my zip code, out of my state, and out of this COUNTRY...and that gives me some lovely breathing room.
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