I am 47 years old and have been married to my wife for 21 years. We have 2 daughters, 18 & 19. I just found out this morning she is having an affair with her music teacher who also teaches my daughters music. Her sudden interest in late night email sessions peaked my interest, so I did some snooping and found emails of passion that they are exchanging. I am stunned, shocked, and hurt by this. I also feel vacant and dead inside. I am not in a rage and have not confronted her. Frankly I don't know what to do and how to react. We have had a typical marriage with ups and downs. Lots of passion early and more as good friends now. We have been through so much together that I thought the bond was unbreakable. When our daughters were 10 and 11 we lived in Germany for 3 years on an assignment with my work. This was a wonderful time with lots of romance and travel. Trouble started when we came back from Europe. My job didn't transfer me back to our old hometown as promised and my wife and daughter's refused to transfer to the town where my next job was. Instead of putting my foot down and demanding they move with me, I gave into their desire to return to our old hometown so they could finish high school with their life long friends. I agreed to travel back and forth on weekends from my job to where they live. It is a 6 hour drive each way and I have been doing it for 3 years now. My youngest just graduated from HS and the plan was for my wife to now relocate to the town where my job is since both daughters are now away at college. Additionally, Our oldest daughter took us to hell and back from the ages of 15 to 17 with outrageous behavior that bordered on the criminal. We cried in each other's arms over her behavior and It wasn't until we finally found someone who diagnosed her as bipolar that we got our sweet child back from the edge. All of this put tremendous stress on all of us, but we struggled together. We would laugh about how our love must be strong to weather these storms in our lives.
At the same time this was going on in our lives, my wife's brother marriage dissolved. His wife had an affair behind his back and he threw her out of the house. He said that he could never forgive her and her actions were indefensible. My wife and her family rallied to his defense. The scorned his ex wife as a whore with no dignity. They spewed how terrible she is. To this day my wife will mention how mean and awful it was of her to have an affair behind his back. My wife feels that her brother's ex wife should have left her husband before starting up with another man, She says that if she truly loved and respected her brother she would have been more honorable in how she ended the marriage. Yet, she has done the same thing to me. She is professing her love to her music teacher and writes about her love of his touch and kisses. The hypocrisy of it all kills me.
I am at a loss of what to do and say? She is clearly looking elsewhere while I feel like an idiot driving all over New England to provide her and my daughters with an above average lifestyle and what I thought was a typical marriage that can survive anything. I don't think it can survive this. I am thinking of hiring a private investigator to confirm with pictures, video, audio what the emails are clearly telling me. Any and all advice is dearly welcomed by this man on the edge of darkness.
Last edited by Leo822; 22nd June 2008 at 9:47 AM.
Reason: wrong word
The first evidence of a crack in your marriage came at the moment your wife sided with your daughters to remain in your hometown instead of moving to where your job, the family's primary sustenance, was located. I've noticed through reading many posts that whenever a spouse puts another individual(s) or interest, whether they be family, friends, job, or activity of interest, above their own spouse then it opens the door to the abuse of said spouse and marriage.
The first step you take in this matter is to seek the advice of a good divorce attorney. Get all of your ducks in a row and show no mercy! After you are ready to proceed I would launch my initial salvo by sending her and your daughters the following email when you are away at work with all evidence of her email comminications scanned and whatever evidence you are able to collect appended as attachments since that is how you initially caught her:
Dear Wife,
"My job is what this family lives and depends on but I would have quit it in a heartbeat if I felt that it ever interfered with our marriage. I have loved and been in love with you for half of my life and there is nothing I wouldn't do for you. Your selfishness took advantage of my generous and giving nature by forcing me to put my life at unnecessary risk running all over New England to provide for you because your life where you are was more important than your own husband. No good deed goes unpunished though since you've determined that my just reward for my love and sacrifice was to betray me utterly and completely with another man. I have been devestated to know that now I have become your cuckold "throw-away" husband and I will not accept that role in my life from you or anyone else.
Since the only thing you apparently need from me is the financial security I provided to put a roof over your head, food in your stomache, and clothes on your back then I am filing for divorce, we will sell this house, and you will move to an apartment and stay where you are forever. You will get a full time job to support yourself and make your own way the best way you can without me.
I, on the other hand will go to where my job requires because I need it to support myself and, seeing how I only have to look out for myself from now on, I will find another woman once I am free of you and start a new family wherever I end up that will appreciate all that I do, all that I have to offer, who will love me like I love her, and who will be loyal enough to support me instead of stabbing me in the back"!
Kids, I'm sorry but I won't be able to foot the bill for your college educations now because this divorce action is apt to get very expensive.
I'll stay in touch and try to help you when I get on my feet again!
Wife, I hope it works well with your new lover and that he was worth throwing away 20 years of our marriage and lives together.
Thanks for the memories wife!
Good Luck Kids!
__________________
"I put my Gucci watch on, synchronize the time, and let's rock....LET'S ROCK"!
I don't think you need a private investigator. You have the truth. You need to immediately contact the OM's wife or girlfriend and expose this affair immediately. You need to confront your wife immediately. You both need to be checked for STd's. You may wish to contact an attorney to understand what you options are at this point. I wish you luck.
So sorry you are dealing with this. I am sure you are still reeling from the shock, but try to figure out what you want. Do you want to try to work things out with your wife? If there is a chance of that, I would suggest that you keep your kids out of this for now. And maybe forever. There is no real need for them to know about the affair, IMO. It can only color their view of their mother and make them feel that a part of their childhood was somehow fraudulent.
Gather your evidence in a folder and keep it safe. Meet with a counselor to figure out what you want. See your doctor to be treated for STDs. Talk to an attorney. Pick out a date to confront your spouse, and pick a location. If you want to try reconciliation, give her a list of demands. Don't make them optional. In my situation, any balking at my demands meant - get in the car, the courthouse is open until 5 pm.; we can file for divorce today. This is where the **** hits the fan and she must pick a fork in the road. Any balking or hemming and hawing, then you tell her to screw off. This is what I did, anyway. Some people will give some leeway to a wayward spouse who is unsure and is hesitant, and will give them time to work things out. I just couldn't and wouldn't, but choose your own style.
Suggested demands: no more contact, ever, and if accidental contact occurs, she must tell you immediately; hand over all email accounts, passwords, etc.; hand over pin numbers for cell phone voice maill; get into individual counseling asap; make an effort to be engaged in the marriage relationship or get out; etc. You get the picture.
Good luck to you. This really sucks, I know. BTDT.
If the OM has a spouse, if I were you, I wouldn't tell her. I'd contact the OM on the same day you confront your wife, and tell him - tell your wife before she receives the evidence from me. That's what I did. I see no reason why you should have to tell the OM's spouse. Make the person who's cheating do that. (Then I mailed the evidence to the husband's office so that no kids could intercept it by accident, if sent to the home.)
Last edited by Screwedover; 22nd June 2008 at 5:24 PM.
Thanks for the feedback. If others have similar experience, please comment. I need to hear what other's have done in a similar situation (men or women). I just got back from Barnes and Noble where I bought some books to read. Any advice from anyone on good books or websites to look at.
I don't know what I am going to do yet. She is clueless that I know and has the gall to tell me her car needs new brakes and tires. She even told me that she needs to put down a deposit on a trip to France next year with her music teacher and his students. I just stared at her blankly and then said well see, which pissed her off.
I would contact the school immediately and then contact the OM's wife if he has one. If you let the OM tell his wife he will only give a watered down version. You seem to have enough it just a matter of do yoou have the strength to do it. Your wife will pressure/threaten you not to contact them so do it first. Otherwise he gets away with it scott free. Your other weapon is exposure to kids and family but that is lasy resort if she won't stop and recover the marriage. Don't wait you have enough now.
Thanks for the feedback. If others have similar experience, please comment. I need to hear what other's have done in a similar situation (men or women). I just got back from Barnes and Noble where I bought some books to read. Any advice from anyone on good books or websites to look at.
I don't know what I am going to do yet. She is clueless that I know and has the gall to tell me her car needs new brakes and tires. She even told me that she needs to put down a deposit on a trip to France next year with her music teacher and his students. I just stared at her blankly and then said well see, which pissed her off.
Right now, your wife is living in a fantasy. When reality sets in, the affair will eventually end. By then if you want to take her back or not, it's all up to you.
Get as much solid proof as you can which include print out the email exchanges and EXPOSE to anyone whom your wife respect including her parents and her brother and whom the other man respect including his employer.
She is going to deny deny deny, so make sure you have solid proof that she cannot refute.
I would not advocate that you expose this to family members, at least not yet. If she is remorseful, wants to clean up her act, and is willing to do what it takes to help you heal, you don't need the extra baggage of her parents, siblings, etc., being in on the secret. They will make hurtful comments about both of you, will judge you both, etc. That will just cause chaos and sooner or later, your kids will surely find out. I don't know about you, but I can't think of a good reason (at this point) to let your daughters in on this. Don't go exposing to employers because it could backfire on innocent people. If jobs are lost and income suffers, who suffers? Kids, that's who.
If she is not remorseful and tries to blame this on you / wants a divorce, then let the floodgates open with regard to telling others.
Make yourself a game plan re: what you want to do, and stay calm. Don't give your wife any indication that you know about this until you are ready to confront her. Be careful with those books you bought. Don't let her catch you reading them.
I read "After the Affair" (so-so), and "Not Just Friends" (excellent - you might have to buy it online; I think it's out of print now). I read a few others but can't recall them - it's been a few years.
I would not advocate that you expose this to family members, at least not yet. If she is remorseful, wants to clean up her act, and is willing to do what it takes to help you heal, you don't need the extra baggage of her parents, siblings, etc., being in on the secret. They will make hurtful comments about both of you, will judge you both, etc. That will just cause chaos and sooner or later, your kids will surely find out. I don't know about you, but I can't think of a good reason (at this point) to let your daughters in on this. Don't go exposing to employers because it could backfire on innocent people. If jobs are lost and income suffers, who suffers? Kids, that's who.
If she is not remorseful and tries to blame this on you / wants a divorce, then let the floodgates open with regard to telling others.
Make yourself a game plan re: what you want to do, and stay calm. Don't give your wife any indication that you know about this until you are ready to confront her. Be careful with those books you bought. Don't let her catch you reading them.
I read "After the Affair" (so-so), and "Not Just Friends" (excellent - you might have to buy it online; I think it's out of print now). I read a few others but can't recall them - it's been a few years.
Excellent advice about the irrefutable proof. Cheaters will lie until the cows come home unless you have solid proof. Have it available, printed out or on audio tape, whatever. In addition, tell her that a PI has been following her and that you're awaiting photographs. Don't let her wiggle one inch, but be sure you have your evidence in hand when you confront.
Stay calm and in control.
If you still need more evidence, put a voice activated recorder in her car. Works (almost) every time.
Thank you all! Each of your comments are the shot in the arm I need to lift my head. I feel like I'm going to have a heart attack. My heart races and my head is pounding from a headache. I am trying to lay quietly and clear my head. Tonight was a doozy. She still has no clue. I got the last few phone bills and found his number had been calling my house and her cell constantly when I am away. Sometimes 2 or 3 or 4 times a day and the call lengths ran for 30 to 90 minutes each. When she was cooking dinner I was able to look through her cell phone text messages and was floored. Professions of love both ways and talk of how they lay in each other arms after sex and plan their future. They are planning on running away to get married in the near future. I wasn't able to forward the messages to my phone because I heard her coming in the house from the BBQ pit. I hope I can get them before she deletes them. Is it possible for me to get a copy of the messages from the wireless provider? Does anyone have any experience with this? She went up to bed early with her cell phone I'm sure to call or text him. She came down later to get some water and she was wearing a old worn men's bathrobe that I have never seen! I am sure it is his. This woman is not the woman I knew and loved.
I don't know the answer to that question, but hopefully someone else here does?
If you can, grab her phone while she is sleeping and forward the msgs to your cell phone. If nothing else, lay the phone down and try to take a photo of the message and see if it turns out.
You are doing a good job of trying to stay calm. You seem to have a fair amount of evidence. If I were you, I would call an attorney tomorrow and get the details on how you go about filing for divorce. Have that information handy when you confront your wife.
I had my confrontation extremely planned out. I had even called ahead to see how much equity he had in our mortgage and made a plan for splitting the equity / selling the house.
If you have all this info down in black and white (about what you need from her if she wants to reconcile, about filing for divorce and what it entails, about equity in your home and plan for selling it), there is a chance she will snap out of her foolishness immediately. Then again, maybe not. It is worth a shot though, and getting these things organized will give you a way to channel your energy and keep your focus / keep calm, for a few more days.
Good luck Leo.
Last edited by Screwedover; 23rd June 2008 at 12:35 AM.
Thank you all! Each of your comments are the shot in the arm I need to lift my head. I feel like I'm going to have a heart attack. My heart races and my head is pounding from a headache. I am trying to lay quietly and clear my head. Tonight was a doozy. She still has no clue. I got the last few phone bills and found his number had been calling my house and her cell constantly when I am away. Sometimes 2 or 3 or 4 times a day and the call lengths ran for 30 to 90 minutes each. When she was cooking dinner I was able to look through her cell phone text messages and was floored. Professions of love both ways and talk of how they lay in each other arms after sex and plan their future. They are planning on running away to get married in the near future. I wasn't able to forward the messages to my phone because I heard her coming in the house from the BBQ pit. I hope I can get them before she deletes them. Is it possible for me to get a copy of the messages from the wireless provider? Does anyone have any experience with this? She went up to bed early with her cell phone I'm sure to call or text him. She came down later to get some water and she was wearing a old worn men's bathrobe that I have never seen! I am sure it is his. This woman is not the woman I knew and loved.
Well, you have solid proof now, at least for yourself. You should have kept the phone with the message in it and hide it in a place where she will not find or get.
What's next? Talk to an attorney. First, you need to protect yourself legally and financially.
No real advice tonight, just a huge expression of sympathy and support. What a horrible, awful thing to be blindsided by and what a sickening, shocking way to discover it. I'm so sorry this is your life right now, and so sorry you have had your world turned upside down inside of a single day. If you can hang in with the restraint and contemplation for a bit more I think I agree that the fundamental question at this point is whether or not you want to try to fight through this and reclaim your marriage. You'll probably be on a roller coaster emotionally for the next few days, so just hang on.
Thank you all! Each of your comments are the shot in the arm I need to lift my head. I feel like I'm going to have a heart attack. My heart races and my head is pounding from a headache. I am trying to lay quietly and clear my head. Tonight was a doozy. She still has no clue. I got the last few phone bills and found his number had been calling my house and her cell constantly when I am away. Sometimes 2 or 3 or 4 times a day and the call lengths ran for 30 to 90 minutes each. When she was cooking dinner I was able to look through her cell phone text messages and was floored. Professions of love both ways and talk of how they lay in each other arms after sex and plan their future. They are planning on running away to get married in the near future. I wasn't able to forward the messages to my phone because I heard her coming in the house from the BBQ pit. I hope I can get them before she deletes them. Is it possible for me to get a copy of the messages from the wireless provider? Does anyone have any experience with this? She went up to bed early with her cell phone I'm sure to call or text him. She came down later to get some water and she was wearing a old worn men's bathrobe that I have never seen! I am sure it is his. This woman is not the woman I knew and loved.
I'm sorry for what your going through. Have you checked your blood pressure recently? I was getting instant pounding migraines & discovered my bp had shot up. It had been a little high but recent stress in my life pushed it up bad. I noticed when stressed or upset that I felt like my heart would pound out of my chest. Get that checked to be safe.
On the cell phone question, I have Verizon & I once called asking if I could get my own text messages that I thought I might need for something & they told me they can only send them with a court order. If you can sneak the phone & forward just 1 or 2 texts to your cell that may be enough.
I wish you well. =^-^=
p.s. Please try to break up your writing into paragraphs. It makes for an easier read.. Thanx
Thanks again everyone for the advice! I am feeling much better this morning. I did alot of reflection last night and have come to this conclusion. I am not interested in fighting to have her back. She has made her bed and now will lay in it. I am contacting a lawyer today to start divorce proceedings. The kids are adults so it doesn't affect their lives dramatically and I have a chance to start afresh. I want to speak to a lawyer first before I confront her. I will update later today.
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