I've been married to my guy for a year and some. He's mentioned that he was very glad that our sex life is still exciting. I am very sexual myself and I'm willing to try anything at least once, and he's very aware of this. Before we were married, I mentioned to him that I didn't like him looking at porn and that I didn't understand why he needed or wanted to because he had me...a willing woman who never says, "oh not tonight, I have a headache," or some other excuse. I'm up to doing it whenever and wherever! I know what the guys are going to say, but I think that since he has someone who really enjoys sex and wants to do it all of the time, he shouldn't have to or want to look at porn. Yesterday, we had a fight over something stupid and I left to do some grocery shopping only to come home and find him jacking-off to some porn site. I was totally disgusted. We'd only had sex a few hours before that. He said he was just looking at some porn and decided to masterbate because he (1) I wasn't there and (2) he figured that since we were mad at each other that I wouldn't have sex with him anyway.
I hate his porn habit. I wouldn't feel so negatively about it if we watched it together. I even suggested that we play porn-copycat and when we did, he turned it off because he said that what we were doing together was more interesting...basically, I'm wondering what's up with him. What's his deal with porn when he has me to do it with him whenever he wants? Sure we argue, but I also really like make-up sex.
I've seen his little internet porn stash and he says he doesn't look it very much, but every time I go into the room, he's quickly minimizing the screen. I figure he's looking at porn...then later, he comes to have sex with me and I'm beginning to wonder if he's fantasizing about other women while he's doing it with me...I'm beginning to be turned off by my husband because of this...what should I do?
Have you ever discussed it with him? I mean discussed it in a non-judgmental, non-accusatory, non-angry with raised voice and near tears kind of way?
You are taking it personally, but he may not necessarily see it that way at all. Guys masturbate to porn from their teens onward - long before he ever met you - and associate masturbation and porn very closely. It may be a habit to him, and it may be that he thinks you want him to stop masturbating if you are asking him to stop using porn to do so. You aren't asking that he stop masturbating altogether, are you?
Also, consider your sex life. Are you happy? Satisfied? Do you get it enough and how you want it? If your sex life is good, you can bet his porn use has nothing do with dissatisfaction in sex, or dissatisfaction with you - masturbating to porn is in addition to your sex life, just like your own masturbation is in addition to and not a replacement of or a sign of dissatisfaction.
Anyway, I would suggest discussing it openly with him in a calm way and really listen to what he is saying and try to understand where he is coming from. It may ease some of your concerns and fears. You can also explain how it makes you feel - but be careful to avoid the trap of telling him what his porn use "means". His view and yours are not the same on this issue, and what you think it means isn't what it means to him.
Location: New Jersey..you don't know what you are missing...other then political corruption, insane property tax and road rage.
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Actually, I understand. If I know my guy has been looking at porn I am usually completely turned off by him and disgusted as well. I don't want him to touch me because I don't feel like I can be vulnerable with him. And God only knows that the very real possiblity is he might be thinking of a woman he just saw in a porn. I don't think it's too much to ask of men for them to at the very least be actually thinking about the person they are with when they are actually having physical sex with them.
He keeps doing something he knows hurts/bothers you even though you obviously make the effort to make your sex like as active as possible. He really should be meeting you half way here and put down the porn since you are making yourself aviable to him as possible. It doesn't jive with me that you leave to go grocery shopping for only a few hours and he can't manage to stay away from porn for that long until you get back. I think we have this over indulged society that seems to think that as soon as someone isn't there to meet a need of yours, instead of showing some self control, you should meet it by any means you can as soon as need be. It's kind of ridiculous and sad.
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I hate his porn habit. I wouldn't feel so negatively about it if we watched it together. I even suggested that we play porn-copycat and when we did, he turned it off because he said that what we were doing together was more interesting...basically, I'm wondering what's up with him. What's his deal with porn when he has me to do it with him whenever he wants? Sure we argue, but I also really like make-up sex.
I've seen his little internet porn stash and he says he doesn't look it very much, but every time I go into the room, he's quickly minimizing the screen. I figure he's looking at porn...then later, he comes to have sex with me and I'm beginning to wonder if he's fantasizing about other women while he's doing it with me...I'm beginning to be turned off by my husband because of this...what should I do?
Seriously. You really need to tell him all this. Exactly this. You hate his porn habit. You attempted to make porn a part of the sex and that didn't work. YOu make yourself aviable for sex and he and you aren't happy. You wonder if he thinks about other women when he is with you and his actions are making you feel less close and drawn to him. You need to tell him all those points because they are very important.
Sex with a partner and masturbation with porn are not the same and do not satisfy the same sets of needs. Just because a man has a satisfying sex life, doesn't mean he will stop masturbating. Porn is just a tool to move things along quicker.
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I wouldn't feel so negatively about it if we watched it together. I even suggested that we play porn-copycat and when we did, he turned it off because he said that what we were doing together was more interesting...basically, I'm wondering what's up with him.
Masturbation is a private thing for a man - something he does on his own that has nothing to do with you - I'm not sure why you would try to insert yourself into a part of his life that doesn't have anything to do with you. You want to replace masturbation and porn with sex, but it doesn't really work that way. He could be having sex with you every day of the week and still have those separate urges to masturbate (and use porn to do it - like I said, it is just a visual stimulation that gets him going - the more variety, the quicker the job).
It doesn't mean that he is dissatisfied with you. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you. It doesn't mean he wants other women. It doesn't mean he fantasizes about other women when he is with you. All it means is that masturbation and sex are not the same. He has one set of habits for masturbation and one set of habits for sex.
What to do? See a licensed sex therapist who will help you understand him better and see things from his point of view, and help your husband understand you better and see things from your point of view.
Until you and he can see things from each other's point of view and be willing to respect the differences you each have on this issue, you may as well divorce now. You can assert your control and force him to stop, but he will secretly harbor resentment. Your sex life will go from pleasurable to obligational, and he will simply look for a different outlet for pleasure. More porn? An OW? It could happen eventually.
Don't let that happen. Honest communication is the key here - and the best way to do that is to go through an objective third party who has a solid understanding of sexuality and working through sexual problems.
__________________ No man chooses evil because it is evil; he only mistakes it for happiness, the good he seeks. --Mary Wollstonecraft
What IS it with women and porn ? As long as your guy is still into you and isn't substituting masturbation and porn for real live sex with you - get over it already
I'm sure the OP is upset about this, but I just remembered that my S/O went to drop his son off at his friend's house the other day and came home and caught me masturbating to porn.
It's weird how men and women react differently to porn. When he caught me, he just wanted in on the action. He didn't get upset, emotional, self-consious, or angry with me. He just dropped his pants and wanted to get it on.
I'm sure there are literally thousands of men out there who desperately wish their wives/GFs would react the same way.
I guess I totally understand porn use because I use it too. And FWIW, I don't watch porn that degrades women.
__________________
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Have you ever discussed it with him? I mean discussed it in a non-judgmental, non-accusatory, non-angry with raised voice and near tears kind of way?.
Yes, I've discussed it with him in a civilized way and all he could say was "Well, all guys look at porn, all guys masterbate...it's normal." This has never been an issue in any of my other relationships. My past BFs welcomed the fact that I liked sex as much as they did - some said they'd prefer the real thing to porn any day, so I don't know what's going on with my husband. Now we're not talking to each other. He's mad because he thinks I'm being unreasonable, and I'm mad because he's not willing to have a civilized conversation about it. I know he'll still look at it, but it just creeps me out when I know he's looking at porn and then coming to have sex with me or wacking off to it. I'm trying not to take it personally, but it's hard. If the shoe were on the other foot, he'd feel the same way I do. For example, we were watching the UFC and I made a comment about Roger Huerta getting punched in the face. I said it was a shame because he has a nice face...that's all. My husband got a bit bothered and said that he was going to turn the station. I just made one harmless comment, it's not like I was masterbating to Roger Huerta...but none the less, my husband was offended. I didn't think it was anything to be offended about, but he did
Location: New Jersey..you don't know what you are missing...other then political corruption, insane property tax and road rage.
Posts: 853
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It's weird how men and women react differently to porn. When he caught me, he just wanted in on the action. He didn't get upset, emotional, self-consious, or angry with me. He just dropped his pants and wanted to get it on.
I'm sure there are literally thousands of men out there who desperately wish their wives/GFs would react the same way.
Was the porn you were watching focused on the men or the women? i find that men think this way because most porn is still all about men and what they desire and want. Most porn is focuses on the women, not the man. Sure you see bits and parts of the man in the movie but it's nothing compared to the way women are shown in it. It's easy for guys to want women to be looking at this and getting turned on because it's not as big a threat as if she were more focused on super imposed images and ideas of other men.
Raven, it sounds like you need to get a third party to hel you two with this issue. He should at the very least be open to hearing you out and it seems like he is pretty closed off to even that. The truth is men don't have it thrown in their faces like women do when it comes to porn. I know lots of men say they would be cool with it but I also know lots of men that get easily jealous from the little comments made, such as the one you made about Roger Huerta. Take porn and magnify that like 10 times, and that's what women deal with everyday.
Thank you Jersey. I was trying to get that point across to him, but he missed it. If men had to "just deal with" women in their lives getting off to images of other men, they would have a huge problem with it. Double standards I guess...
The truth is men don't have it thrown in their faces like women do when it comes to porn.
Jersey, what don't you take break from your soapbox and look at the reality of the OP's situation. Porn and masturbation have been an issue in the OP's marriage once in a year plus. She's not exactly suffering from neglect or emotional abuse, your consistent preaching aside.
Ravenhair, it sounds like you've got a good marriage and specifically a great sexual relationship. Why isn't that enough? Your H has done something that all men do from the age of 10 on. Are you so insecure that the fact that he didn't have your picture in front of him while beating off is affecting you this much? I just don't get it...
I'm sorry Mr. Lucky but it seems his actions are causing distrust and disconnection for her towards him. I think it's perfectly natural to be wondering if your husband/boyfriend is thinking about you or the porn women he was just fantasizing about when he comes to you, when you know he was just looking at porn. I don't think it's too much for a woman to ask to actually be the woman he is thinking about when he is physically with you. Or do you think that's too much for women to ask for? I ask seriously.
I could be mistaken but this doesn't just sound like a one time issue. He doesn't want to deal with her or her feelings on the issue and rather lie/hide the porn then give the time and attention his real life woman needs. That doesn't exactly sound like a mate that is concerned about the other person or the state of the relationship. Or do you think it does? Heck, she even suggested looking at it together and he still pushed her away.
I know that alot of guys like to pull out the "insecurity" card like it's a four letter word but it's 100% natural for there to be a bridge of distrust and insecurity when you know your man is indirectly still seeking out other women. It is very naturally going to cause questions and concerns. I think it's just as natural as it's natural for a man to be turned on by porn. Do men want to be put down and blown off and mocked for liking porn? I don't think they do. So why is it acceptable to put down, mock, blow off the women that are hurt by the porn?
We know why a guy is looking at porn. It's not about respecting women in general and it's certainly not about respecting your partner. It's about the "variety". It's an action a man is taking that is opposite to him saying he wants a committed relationship. I actually think it's unfair for a man to not see how this can cause insecurity all the while, while he still seeks out porn. Showing what is more important to him. Obviously the porn is so important, it's important enough to hide and lie about to the real woman. That is the extreme and lengths he is going to so that he can still have the porn and he is doing it at the cost of hurting his partner. That's a high price and value that the man himself is placing on the porn. And as a woman, if a guy is going to the extreme to lie and hide porn, it's very telling about how much he values it. Especially with compared to his relationship with his SO.
I'm sorry Mr. Lucky but it seems his actions are causing distrust and disconnection for her towards him. I think it's perfectly natural to be wondering if your husband/boyfriend is thinking about you or the porn women he was just fantasizing about when he comes to you, when you know he was just looking at porn. I don't think it's too much for a woman to ask to actually be the woman he is thinking about when he is physically with you. Or do you think that's too much for women to ask for? I ask seriously.
I could be mistaken but this doesn't just sound like a one time issue. He doesn't want to deal with her or her feelings on the issue and rather lie/hide the porn then give the time and attention his real life woman needs. That doesn't exactly sound like a mate that is concerned about the other person or the state of the relationship. Or do you think it does? Heck, she even suggested looking at it together and he still pushed her away.
I know that alot of guys like to pull out the "insecurity" card like it's a four letter word but it's 100% natural for there to be a bridge of distrust and insecurity when you know your man is indirectly still seeking out other women. It is very naturally going to cause questions and concerns. I think it's just as natural as it's natural for a man to be turned on by porn. Do men want to be put down and blown off and mocked for liking porn? I don't think they do. So why is it acceptable to put down, mock, blow off the women that are hurt by the porn?
We know why a guy is looking at porn. It's not about respecting women in general and it's certainly not about respecting your partner. It's about the "variety". It's an action a man is taking that is opposite to him saying he wants a committed relationship. I actually think it's unfair for a man to not see how this can cause insecurity all the while, while he still seeks out porn. Showing what is more important to him. Obviously the porn is so important, it's important enough to hide and lie about to the real woman. That is the extreme and lengths he is going to so that he can still have the porn and he is doing it at the cost of hurting his partner. That's a high price and value that the man himself is placing on the porn. And as a woman, if a guy is going to the extreme to lie and hide porn, it's very telling about how much he values it. Especially with compared to his relationship with his SO.
But he wasn't "actively seeking out other women", he wasn't "thinking about another (porn) woman while with her PHYSICALLY" (she wasn't there).
I think Mr Lucky is right , you sure have a soapbox issue with this subject.
It IS insecurity issues - it's not like you can control what a partner is THINKING about (much as some may like to try)
You know, porn doesn't even really bother me so much. My husband checking out another woman here and there doesn't either. I get that men are visual creatures, really I do. And I get that sometimes they like having a look and that doesn't mean they don't care about you, or aren't attracted to you.
However, my husband doesn't just look occasionally. He looks pretty much every single day, and he comes to me for sex less as a result. I am a pretty sexual person, and I have told him countless times, I'm ready to go everyday, even more - but he doesn't take me up on that. I also realize sometimes men want something quick, and easy, and porn is part fantasy for them. I could see if maybe sleeping with me everyday wasn't really something he wants to do - but he chooses the porn and masterbation more than he chooses me. I guess that is the part that bothers me and hurts. I am open to try new things in bed, I usually do my hair/makeup, wear sexy lingerie and so forth. I try to be active and definitely do my share in the bedroom. But still, it seems he almost prefers the porn.
Maybe being with me for so long I am just not exciting enough? I don't know. Is this what happens when you're with a person for a decade? Or is there more to it?
He also has a friend who comes over about once a month to "make cd's" which is code for making porn dvd's off of my husband's collection since he has no computer and access to the free online pornography. I realize what is going on, but I've decided it isn't worth a fight. But this past weekend we had a BBQ for fathers day and my husband decided to invite him. While outside, with all of my family, my husband brings his laptop out and he and his friend were looking at stuff. I went through the history later that night and sure enough, porn site after porn site. He was making himself more dvd's WITH MY KIDS AND FAMILY RIGHT THERE. And my husband allowed it and looked right along with him.
I had it out with my husband over this, and he did agree that it was a bad move and apologized. But I feel he is just placating me and I am so sick and tired of porn everywhere I look.
It seems sometimes as though my husbands main hobby is looking at other women, and I am so sick and tired of it. To the point I am really starting to resent him and find myself thinking about being with another man (not sexually, just in a different relationship) quite often.
You know, porn doesn't even really bother me so much. My husband checking out another woman here and there doesn't either. I get that men are visual creatures, really I do. And I get that sometimes they like having a look and that doesn't mean they don't care about you, or aren't attracted to you.
However, my husband doesn't just look occasionally. He looks pretty much every single day, and he comes to me for sex less as a result. I am a pretty sexual person, and I have told him countless times, I'm ready to go everyday, even more - but he doesn't take me up on that. I also realize sometimes men want something quick, and easy, and porn is part fantasy for them. I could see if maybe sleeping with me everyday wasn't really something he wants to do - but he chooses the porn and masterbation more than he chooses me. I guess that is the part that bothers me and hurts. I am open to try new things in bed, I usually do my hair/makeup, wear sexy lingerie and so forth. I try to be active and definitely do my share in the bedroom. But still, it seems he almost prefers the porn.
Maybe being with me for so long I am just not exciting enough? I don't know. Is this what happens when you're with a person for a decade? Or is there more to it?
He also has a friend who comes over about once a month to "make cd's" which is code for making porn dvd's off of my husband's collection since he has no computer and access to the free online pornography. I realize what is going on, but I've decided it isn't worth a fight. But this past weekend we had a BBQ for fathers day and my husband decided to invite him. While outside, with all of my family, my husband brings his laptop out and he and his friend were looking at stuff. I went through the history later that night and sure enough, porn site after porn site. He was making himself more dvd's WITH MY KIDS AND FAMILY RIGHT THERE. And my husband allowed it and looked right along with him.
I had it out with my husband over this, and he did agree that it was a bad move and apologized. But I feel he is just placating me and I am so sick and tired of porn everywhere I look.
It seems sometimes as though my husbands main hobby is looking at other women, and I am so sick and tired of it. To the point I am really starting to resent him and find myself thinking about being with another man (not sexually, just in a different relationship) quite often.
A totally different issue than the OP and your H's activity is wrong on many levels. First off, ANY activity indulged in excess that interferes with your M is general and your sexual relationship in particular is wrong and selfish - forget porn, it could be model airplanes. Secondly, someone that would look at porn on a laptop at a family BBQ has issues beyond what can be addressed on an internet forum. He needs help...
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