[trulysomething]

I'm a nightmare and all messed up.
I'm seriously considering talking to a psychologist to get some help.

My ex contacts me all the time and we've hung out a few times(started out being very lovely and still affectionate with each other, but now less physical the last couple of times..no holding hands,no cuddling,etc)...but whenever we do, we argue and fight and talk FAR too much about why we're not together and he doesn't know why or can't give me an answer.

We don't have sex (and didn't while we were together for a whole bunch of reasons...one of which I found out after we had broken up(he is a virgin at 33)).

He also has a long distance ex that he talks to everyday and still has a very emotional connection with. *grrr* I had no clue about this woman for about 6 months into our relationship and he never told her he was dating me..(we found out about each other) and I pretty much gave him an ultimatum (stupid I know!!!! now... grrrrrr)

He bailed saying he didn't want anything serious and that it'd be best if we were friends..and she was his first love and he wasn't over her but that she was too far away to really be considered (yada yada yada). At the time I was so sick of being jealous and agreed. He called me the night we broke up...the next day, we went out the following day,etc. Everything was the same without the "title" of girlfriend.

I am torn with what I want. I know there are so many compatible things between us, but there are so many areas in which we are not compatible either. I am rubbish at No Contact. I've tried it and made it a week...he called and called and called and I didn't want him to stop trying.(But obviously at some point he would have taken the hint and I would have been disappointed)

He seriously thinks/acts like he is 14. He worries constantly about his looks, worries about being 'cool'..he's 33!!!(he's NOT cool!) he has huge dreams(ie.he wants to make a movie (and I mean a Hollywood Blockbuster, not a simple 35 mm film for fun!),start his own company as a graphic designer (but he doesn't think he has any talent and all his logo work looks like other logos!)) but no actual job, he never leaves the house, sleeps all the time, has bouts of depression (he used to have panic attacks) and constantly changes plans with me ("I can't come in today as we discussed, but can we make it tomorrow instead?").

But, he listens to me when I need to vent, he helps me with my computer or fixing things around the house, calls me to chat all the time, gives the best massages, encourages me to follow my dreams, we enjoy the same type of movies(we LOVE movies! both scary movies and chick flicks), drinking coffee, computers and just hanging out.


To top it all off, I am torn between staying in Scotland or heading home to Canada. I want to stay for a few different reasons, but I'd be lying if I said he wasn't one of them...even given our completely messed up situation.

I've realized today that I do contribute a lot to the fights (we're both Tauruses and very stubborn) and I think I always have picked fights (and am EXTREMELY sensitive about how my loved ones treat me...easily feeling like I'm being insulted or put down) but now I know it's my jealousy(which I never was before(jealous)...until I found out about the ex!) that is completely pushing him out of my life....and I realized I've done this in the past.

Has anyone been in the same situation(ish)..and how did you resolve it?

I want to stay...and he does want me to stay..but not how I need him to be. *arrrrrgggggggggghhhhhhhhhh*
I don't want to leave either..feeling like I have to leave to get some distance...I'm all messed up.

[trulysomething]

I should mention that my lease is up on July 31.