So, my boyfriend and I are just finishing up our first year of med school. He's 31, I'm 26, and we've been together for 15 months. I know many men don't feel comfortable getting married until they are financially stable. For us, with school, residency, and loans, that won't be for almost ten more years. We don't live together, we get along so well, and our relationship continues to grow with each passing month. I love his family, and my family loves him. I know I want to spend my life with him. We don't fight; we seldom bicker, and we're considerate and respectful of each other.
I know we haven't been together that long, in the relative grand scheme of things, but my question is: what kind of a time frame am I looking at? I'm sort of in one of those periods where I keep looking at engagement rings, and planning our life together based on where we've talked about doing residency and practicing afterwards. When can I reasonably expect him to propose?
So many variables with that question. the men I know that went to med school usually got engaged around their last year of med school. You should ask him what he pictures and hopes for his life to be like in 8 years. If he says something like married and kids, then you can assume he will pop the question in 3 or 4 years. if he doesn't mention being married then you are going to have to wait till he is financially stable in 10 or more years if at all. Get him before he is a resident, a lot of women go to nursing school to land a resident even if that means winning him away from another woman.
Thank you guys for your responses. The truth is, we haven't ever talked about getting married. We've talked about where we want to do our residencies together, and where we want to live and practice when we're done. Neither of us is sure yet if we want children of our own, so that's not really a make it or break it issue. But his dad was never crazy about children, and he raised three good guys. And my boyfriend seems to relate well to that. We talk about other people's marriages, engagements, and children. And every single close friend of his save for one is married. We went to three weddings together last summer, and missed two more. And we're going to one this summer. His parents are still together after decades, his grandparents stayed together till they passed away... He always seems very comfortable with the idea of getting married. And he's made occasional comments about us decades down the road...
Also, I recently succeeded in getting him to be more expressive towards me, verbalizing that he cares and that he loves me instead of assuming that if I don't hear otherwise, that's the case. So I don't feel like now is the right time to launch a new campaign about the possibility of marriage.
But you're right--I should ask him about it in a non-pressured way. I just don't think I'm ready to do that for another couple months or so.
Thanks for your advice--I'll welcome any more thoughts or opinions!
Last edited by Sunshine11; 14th June 2008 at 1:54 AM.
--I should ask him about it in a non-pressured way. I just don't think I'm ready to do that for another couple months or so.
In my experience, it isn't about when YOU are ready to talk about it but when HE is ready to listen about it.
It wouldn't be unreasonable for him to want to first finish med school (or at least be able to see the finish line) before he starts looking further down the road.
You do have the self-responsibility to figure out in which direction your life may be headed but basically, any version of, "I want to go in this direction and I'd like it if you'll to come with me" will put pressure on the other person -- especially if they are not yet trying to figure out their own life direction.
To get the timing "right", it's almost as if well-honed psychic powers are needed, IN ADDITION TO the usual -- understanding and acceptance of HIS beliefs, thoughts and feelings about HIMSELF, HIS life, and HIS current needs, desires and goals.
Good luck to both of you, for successful graduation
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"They always say that time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself." ~ Andy Warhol
He won't. Med students are usually the smart ones....
Nah... Seriously, nearly all the male med students I know vowed to wait to propose until they were done with school. Like you said, they wanted to get into their careers and start paying off the loans.
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When you were yourself it tasted sweet
But it sours into a routine deceit
Well this drama is a bore
And I don't want to play no more - Third Eye Blind
I'd assume that he wouldn't even be ready to seriously talk about marriage until after he completes his residency.
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...and I feel like I'm naked in front of a crowd,
'cause these words are my diary screaming out loud,
and I know that you'll use them however you want to...
Well, lets not forget that SHE is in med school too !
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"Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all it's pupils." - Louis-Hector Berlioz
I'm a medical student and just beginning my second year so I can relate to the OP. There are a lot of guys in my class (and my class consists of 200 students) that are married, engaged, or thinking about marriage. I know quite a few that proposed during the school year and are getting married this summer or within the next year. So as you can see, male medical students don't always wait until they are financially secure to propose. They can at least take comfort knowing that there will always be a job market as long as there are sick people in the world.
Thank you all so much for your thoughts. I'll continue to welcome them, since I'm currently just enjoying my time with him, and hoping it'll last.
At this point, I'm pretty confident we'll end up getting married if things continue the way they've always been. However, I am sort of expecting that I won't get a proposal for another couple years or so, around the end of our third year of school, before we take our second set of boards and apply for residencies.
It may come sooner, or later, or we may not end up together, but I'm pretty comfortable and hopeful. I would love to hear everyone's continuing thoughts, especially since I'm not expecting a wedding within the next couple years. Thanks again!
My sister and her husband met in med school and got married in November of their fourth year. Their residency years weren't all rosy, especially once they had their first kid... but almost 10 years, 2 kids, and a post-residency fellowship or two later, they're happy.
Thank you--that's really encouraging for me. I'll be 29 when I graduate med school, and I'll be done with residency at the very earliest by 32. So children during residency is a distinct reality for us. I'm glad they're happy now
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