Cheating, Flirting, and JealousyBeing unfaithful to your significant other or suspect them of the same? Can't stand the way they flirt? Jealous? Discuss your experiences here.
This topic is about the number of sexual partners your girlfriend or boyfriend has had before you.
See I find the number of girls my man has slept with before a little uncomfortable. When I put logic to it, it's not bad at all and I really don't mind, but my emotions say otherwise. Something gets that jealousy bug all fired up. I control it the best I can and it only flares up occasionally. but in all my thinking it's made me ask some questions I thought you lot could shed some light on.
Do you think how you feel about their number is affected by your own?
What i mean is this. I'm 29 and have had 2 sexual partners.
He is 26 and has had 17.
Would I feel better about his past if I had many more notches on my bed post?
The two men i slept with before also had only ever slept with one woman before me. Therefore I knew I had no comparison or competition as such.
Do you think that the type of sex you've had affects how you feel?
Again the only 3 men I have ever slept with I have been emotionally involved with. I have never found the idea of one night stands and such a turn on.
Why is the idea of your loved one having sex with someone else so repugnent even if they did it before knowing you. Why can the logical brain not override the emotional response?
[quote=Arcanum;1700505]This topic is about the number of sexual partners your girlfriend or boyfriend has had before you.
See I find the number of girls my man has slept with before a little uncomfortable. When I put logic to it, it's not bad at all and I really don't mind, but my emotions say otherwise. Something gets that jealousy bug all fired up. I control it the best I can and it only flares up occasionally. but in all my thinking it's made me ask some questions I thought you lot could shed some light on.
Do you think how you feel about their number is affected by your own?
I do think how you feel about your partner's number is affected by your own.
I am 29 and I have had a total of 3 sex partners. My fiance is 30 and has had about 17 (he has never made a complete list but he started having sex when he was 14.) My fiance's past isn't a huge issue but it does bug me at times. Just to know that he's been intimate with so many other women and I've only been naked with two other guys just seems off. My first partner- I was his first as well so as you said- no other competition there. I was his first everything. My 2nd partner had about 7 other partners (but before we slept together he told me it was only 4). That one sort of bothered me because I thought he'd be comparing me to all those others. With him some were one night things (females he liked or knew but they never had sex after the first time) but most were relationships. One was a FWB arrangement he had in high school.
WIth my current fiance it kinda squicks me out that he's had several one night stands (went to the bar, slept with a chick he brought home and left afterward or kicked her out afterward. from his stories I"ve realized that he sleeps with women he doesnt' really respect really quickly and does it just for the physical act. But if he's into someone and has an interest or feelings for them he's often intimidated and will wait to have sex. Before he met me he said he never waited longer than 3 weeks to have sex with a girl. If she didn't "put out" by then he lost interest and moved on. However he waited six MONTHS to have sex with me (I wanted to make sure he was interested in more than just sex before I slept with him)
He says he realizes now that its not about quantity but about quality- even though he had TONS more experience than I did, I came from two long term relationships before him in which I experimented a lot within those relationships so when I started sleeping with him I was the one teaching him the new tricks and positions. THe first time I poured chocolate syrup on him and licked it off he was just on cloud nine. He said he's never done that (and a lot of other things I've now done with him but thats a PG one I can share) and he can't believe I've taught him all these new things. He has slept with a lot of women in his past but said the majority of them never suggested anything new and just laid there and made a little bit of noise if he was lucky. Only ONE of those 17 women attempted a bj (wasn't able to finish it) so I am the first to give him a bj. So even though your guy has all that experience its more than likely he's experiencing QUALITY now (my fiance sincerely says I'm the best sex he's ever had) and the past is just his past.
I too was emotionally involved with all 3 men I've slept with, although the 2nd one was supposed to be a fling. I just wanted sex and I knew him and was attracted to him and we did it 4 days after our 2nd date (my idea) and I knew it was a one time thing and it became a two time thing and I tried to keep emotions out of it but I couldn't. We ended up dating for quite some time.
I think to move past it you just have to remind yourself that your SO thinks of YOU as mind blowing sex and those others are just in his past. I can understand why some enjoy one night stands or just sex for the physical act and can imagine it could be fun for some so I'd be more concerned about the deep emotional relationships that your SO has had in the past. But remember he's with YOU now.
Hi Lexi
Thanks for your input. You sound like you're in a similar position to me.
I'm trying very hard not to feel so bad about it all but it seems I feel it whether I apply logic to it or not.
I wish that my guy was like yours and had only experienced mediocre sex but sadly that isn't the case.
Most things we've done he's done before. For example....
We had the most wild sex I've ever had the other night. Totally animalistic. So wild and nothing like I had experienced before. So I told him that and asked if he had had wilder....and he had. I couldn't believe it! I don't think it would have been possible to go harder than we did!
Now I feel I don't want to do that again.
It's like he's had so many different women that one of them has always done something for him. So now I come along so far down the line there's not much left for us to share as a new experience together.
I wonder if I should have had more partners before settling down again.
Maybe I'd feel better about it.
I hate feeling inadequate when I know logically I'm amazing.
I keep telling myself that I know I'm the best he's had but I've really never been in this positon before so I'm finding it really tough.
So don't let promiscuousity fool you Arcanum! Just because someone's number is higher than your own, doesn't mean they're really good, better, or more experienced then you are!
Yeah, if your partner doubles your own personal number, it's say to say it would make any normal person a bit uneasy! However it was their life to live, before they met you. What they did then, should stay in their past and if you're not ready to accept it; then you probably shouldn't ask to hear about it or unfortunately not be in a relationship with them.
I know it's always nice to experience those great moments as relationship firsts, but in terms of sexual acts, that's a long shot deal in our lifetime. Sex to some is just that, just sex... The intimacy just isn't there anymore and it's just mainly about pleasure. There are those out there that feel differently though, you just have to find them!
Last edited by Javelin; 17th June 2008 at 7:51 AM.
Hi Lexi
Thanks for your input. You sound like you're in a similar position to me.
I'm trying very hard not to feel so bad about it all but it seems I feel it whether I apply logic to it or not.
I wish that my guy was like yours and had only experienced mediocre sex but sadly that isn't the case.
Most things we've done he's done before. For example....
We had the most wild sex I've ever had the other night. Totally animalistic. So wild and nothing like I had experienced before. So I told him that and asked if he had had wilder....and he had. I couldn't believe it! I don't think it would have been possible to go harder than we did!
Now I feel I don't want to do that again.
It's like he's had so many different women that one of them has always done something for him. So now I come along so far down the line there's not much left for us to share as a new experience together.
I wonder if I should have had more partners before settling down again.
Maybe I'd feel better about it.
I hate feeling inadequate when I know logically I'm amazing.
I keep telling myself that I know I'm the best he's had but I've really never been in this positon before so I'm finding it really tough.
I don't think the problem is with the number of your boyfriend's past sexual partners, but with how your boyfriend reflects on your sex life. You should KNOW that you are the best he's ever had. Obviously he's very attracted to you and you have an emotional connection as well as the physical one. But when you had that wild sex that you thought was totally amazing and you shared your thoughts with him and asked if that was the craziest wildest sex he'd ever had, he was WRONG to say that he'd had wilder. He SHOULD be thinking his experiences with you are the best ever (and they probably are) but for some reason he wants to one-up you if that makes sense. My 2nd partner did this to me at times and let me tell you it is NOT a good feeling.
I wanted to be the first in something that we did together and it always seemed (and he only had 7 partners before me, two of whom were just one time things) that he'd already done everything with someone before me. Now he was 27 when I met him so its possible he did but it almost seemed like he was making things up just so I woudnt' be the "first" or the "best". I gave him a bj while driving once and he claimed his ex fiance did that (believable). We had sex five times in just a few hours one night and I thought that was amazing and told him so and he claimed he'd had sex with someone six times in that amount of time once before me. We slept together after only 10 days (he was only my 2nd partner) and I thought that was really quick and he claimed that his first girlfriend and him had sex after five days(she was a virgin at the time so I find that hard to believe a virgin would have sex after dating someone for five days)
I never really did totally click with this ex because I felt he was comparing me (and I was losing) to his exes. His experiences in the past probably weren't that great or maybe some were but it was difficult to feel an emotional connection after sharing a sexual experience that I thought was amazing and having my ex say "naw, I've done that before or longer or better etc. Guys dont' really care about "firsts" like some women do so try not to let it bother you. But your guy should be making you feel like you are unbelievable! My fiance makes me feel like none of his exes could hold a candle to me and he is always saying this is the best sex he's ever had and wants to do it all the time and I love it. Its the best sex I've ever had because he makes me feel like some amazing lover (and I don't have that much experience) and therefore I act like an amazing lover because thats how he sees me and I'm not afraid to try new things because its exciting and well received. I think you would feel better about your boyfriend's number if he changed his attitude a little about how he "reviews" your sex life. Just like you said that you thought it was the wildest sex possible (and you probably would have wanted to repeat that again soon) and then he shot you down by saying no, I've had wilder, when he should have taken the opportunity to share a connection with you and just say yeah that was pretty wild and instead he tells you that he had a "better" experience with someone else. Then that connection is lost and you don't want to experience that type of sex again because now you associate it with your boyfriend and someone from his past.
Talk to him about it and just let him know it bothers you to possibly be compared with his past lovers. He may not mean to make you feel this way he probably doesn't realize he was doing it (he probably thought he was just answering your question). Maybe he thought he was bragging to you that he'd done it wilder (and he really hadn't) because he wanted to give you something to look forward to (that he can be even wilder than what blew your mind)
Hi Lexi
Thanks for your input. You sound like you're in a similar position to me.
I'm trying very hard not to feel so bad about it all but it seems I feel it whether I apply logic to it or not.
I wish that my guy was like yours and had only experienced mediocre sex but sadly that isn't the case.
Most things we've done he's done before. For example....
We had the most wild sex I've ever had the other night. Totally animalistic. So wild and nothing like I had experienced before. So I told him that and asked if he had had wilder....and he had. I couldn't believe it! I don't think it would have been possible to go harder than we did!
Now I feel I don't want to do that again.
It's like he's had so many different women that one of them has always done something for him. So now I come along so far down the line there's not much left for us to share as a new experience together.
I wonder if I should have had more partners before settling down again.
Maybe I'd feel better about it.
I hate feeling inadequate when I know logically I'm amazing.
I keep telling myself that I know I'm the best he's had but I've really never been in this positon before so I'm finding it really tough.
I know how you feel in that my ex had been with 6 girls to my 1 guy :/
It's not NEAR as many as what you're dealing with(although we're younger) I just dont understand why guys can just get around so easy.
Granted Im sure its not just guys that do this its just more common for me to hear of guys having more partners.
I wish guys would consider who they're going to end up with and how they would feel about all the people they have been with. It just makes sex that much more unspecial.
There is no need for you to have more sexual partners, you say the sex is amazing for you and he seems happy with you being the only girl he wants to have sex with I know its frustrating but just focus on that. Have you asked him what he hasnt done? Or what his fantasies are? And whatever he tells you, you dont have to do just to make him happy.
Thanks for the responses!
Lexi - I think you made a very good point. That wild sex we had should have been the wildest ever. If it was that wild and with a great connection I think it should have been the wildest he'd had. But I was told different and you're right, it makes me now associate that kind of sex with him and someone else. I feel like I don't want to do that with him again, which is a shame.
I don't ever get the feeling he is one upping me. Never. He knows I'm good and tells me so and I know he only tells when I ask which of course isn't bragging.
I'm so tired of it though. Always thinking that he's done it before. Always finding out that the way he touches or the things he likes have always been done before. The only thing that makes me feel better is when I find out he loved something that is new to us. That makes me feel good, to know I'm not just another woman in a line of them.
I also get so tired of hearing him say sweet nothings only to think he says this to all the girls.
Today he said he is perpetually attracted to his girlfriend which he thinks is awesome. I said I'm sure that's always been the case and he said yes but it's still good. sigh.
God I know that he loves me, but I just think he's like this. It's almost like he's the same person with whoever he's with. Whereas I'm me but like the differences that different relationships bring and the differences in me it brings out.
I just wish he'd had fewer partners and that the ones he'd had were mostly rubbish. But that's not the truth so it sucks.
You know what, it sucks, it really freaking sucks. Its horrible to know that this person that you love so carelessly and easily slept with so many people. Its cheap, and in a way it makes you feel cheap because thats your partner. It makes you feel inadequate because how can you compare to all those people, people that you dont even know. It makes your relationship feel less, it makes you question more things, it makes your mind wonder, you always compare yourself to everything you know about them, and you always are left wondering what they are wondering about.
You know what, I am a guy who has made a couple mistakes, but not to the extent that it was habitual. I have had a one night stand, but not more than one. It only took me once to realize that sex without emotion was meaningless... My number is not that low, but definitely not that high. I have passed up quite a few opportunities, especially drunken nights with women because 1) it would be wrong to them, and 2) it would be wrong to me. So, when I think about how many drunken one night stands my gf so casually gave herself into it makes me sick, it makes my body cringe, it makes my head spin. All this time, I respected women and myself enough to withold from certain things, while my partner did not. You wouldnt think its such a big deal, but it is. It really is.
What is even worse is that every day, every moment, I deal with these issues. Is it jealousy? Your damn right. Is it insecurities? You bet ya. Is it the whole inadequacy complex? It sure is. But its also a moral thing, and it inflicts on my values. Its a constant, continuous problem in my life. Literally I wake up with her in my arms and my first thought is how many other guys has she given herself to like she has me, how many other guys arms has she woken up in the next morning... I sit here at work right now, instead of being productive and actually working I am searching the internet for answers to my horrible horrible pain, trying to find others who deal with this like I do, and so forth. I get home in the evenings, and I look at her and smile but really I sit there screaming in my own head, how can this be??? When we have sex, halfway through the thoughts come into my head, and I go limp. Last night we were having sex and I started thinking how many times has she done this move before??? And it went from hot steamy sex to a scared little turtle. I laid in best last night, on the verge of tears, because all I want is for this all to end.
There is so many problems I have with her promiscous past, I can not even begin to fathom them all. All I know is that its probably the worse thing I have ever had to deal with. Whats crazy is that on the other end of this spectrum is the strongest, most deep and spiritual love I have ever had with someone. Unfortunately, as the love strengthens so does the pain of her past sexual edeavors.
Anyone who tells you, just get over it, does not have a clue. Anyone who says dont worry about it, he/she is with you now, obviously does not understand. No kidding, I know they are with me, yea I know they enjoy the sex, yea I know that they think about me and not their past lovers, thats not the problem. Thats not the question, thats not what I am constantly wracking up in my head.
You know what, it sucks, it really freaking sucks. Its horrible to know that this person that you love so carelessly and easily slept with so many people. Its cheap, and in a way it makes you feel cheap because thats your partner. It makes you feel inadequate because how can you compare to all those people, people that you dont even know. It makes your relationship feel less, it makes you question more things, it makes your mind wonder, you always compare yourself to everything you know about them, and you always are left wondering what they are wondering about.
You know what, I am a guy who has made a couple mistakes, but not to the extent that it was habitual. I have had a one night stand, but not more than one. It only took me once to realize that sex without emotion was meaningless... My number is not that low, but definitely not that high. I have passed up quite a few opportunities, especially drunken nights with women because 1) it would be wrong to them, and 2) it would be wrong to me. So, when I think about how many drunken one night stands my gf so casually gave herself into it makes me sick, it makes my body cringe, it makes my head spin. All this time, I respected women and myself enough to withold from certain things, while my partner did not. You wouldnt think its such a big deal, but it is. It really is.
What is even worse is that every day, every moment, I deal with these issues. Is it jealousy? Your damn right. Is it insecurities? You bet ya. Is it the whole inadequacy complex? It sure is. But its also a moral thing, and it inflicts on my values. Its a constant, continuous problem in my life. Literally I wake up with her in my arms and my first thought is how many other guys has she given herself to like she has me, how many other guys arms has she woken up in the next morning... I sit here at work right now, instead of being productive and actually working I am searching the internet for answers to my horrible horrible pain, trying to find others who deal with this like I do, and so forth. I get home in the evenings, and I look at her and smile but really I sit there screaming in my own head, how can this be??? When we have sex, halfway through the thoughts come into my head, and I go limp. Last night we were having sex and I started thinking how many times has she done this move before??? And it went from hot steamy sex to a scared little turtle. I laid in best last night, on the verge of tears, because all I want is for this all to end.
There is so many problems I have with her promiscous past, I can not even begin to fathom them all. All I know is that its probably the worse thing I have ever had to deal with. Whats crazy is that on the other end of this spectrum is the strongest, most deep and spiritual love I have ever had with someone. Unfortunately, as the love strengthens so does the pain of her past sexual edeavors.
Anyone who tells you, just get over it, does not have a clue. Anyone who says dont worry about it, he/she is with you now, obviously does not understand. No kidding, I know they are with me, yea I know they enjoy the sex, yea I know that they think about me and not their past lovers, thats not the problem. Thats not the question, thats not what I am constantly wracking up in my head.
rproctor,
You are not alone. I am in the same exact situation dealing with the same thoughts, feelings, and problems. You are not alone. I do the same thing searching for answers to make it all okay but thus far have found none. It's very hard to deal with these things and to make a relationship work. I'm trying to but am beginning to feel it's futile no matter how I feel about my g/f. Right now I'm just not happy.
Siphon9a, you wont find any answers, there are no answers. There are no solutions. There is not really anything you can do. Its not as easy as get over it, but in the end, thats what it boils down to. You can either get over it, or move on. Unfortunately neither is appealing, but it is inevitable. I could give you hundreds of topics, discussions, articles, books, movies, etc on dealing with your partners sexual past, and not one of them has any answer. Not one of them makes any of this any better. Nothing, not even talking about it.
Dearcupid has a couple members who say they have overcome this jealousy problem. What I find funny is that these people still come to the site, still discuss the same topics, still enduldge in it. They say that they are over it, but they are not, because if they were why do they still discuss it, at all. I see some guys who after 30 years of marriage can not take it any more. Some people live their whole life married to this person that they are disgusted by.
All of us have boundaries and limits that we mentally create for our own standard of living. Some people can not cope with more than 1 past lover, some 5, some 10, 20, or 1 less than yourself... Everything is fine until that limit is broken. Some people dont mine numbers as long as how they got to that number is in tune with their own boundaries, no threesomes, cheap sex, one night stands, casual sex, etc... But when that boundary is broken its the same as the number. What even sucks more is when both the boundaries and the limits are broken.
Any women who says they have the right to as many sexual partners as they want, is completely right. You do, you have every right. But that also means that I have the right to my own personal boundaries and limits that I am willing to accept from another person. If you are willing to live a promiscuous lifestyle, then you should realize that you will be reaping the consequences of that as well, such being that men who are looking for marriage and long term partnerships will, in many cases, be put off by your sexual past. It sucks, for both the woman and the man.
My best solution for this problem is not to ask, period. Or if you do, some how hint to her that you want her to lie, because ignorance is bliss my friend.
If he has been sexually active 10 years then having a number of 17 isn't really that bad..
That is one every 7 or so months..
that certainly isn't that high of a number..
Remember that the older you get the higher the numbers tend to get.. you yourself may very well be in a position of having a higher number than someone you might be in a relationship with some day.
I do believe it comes down to you.. the OP.. it isn't his problem that he been with 17 women..
that is his reality
The problem seems to be that would would like him to be with lesser number of people than yourself..
When you think of him sleeping with other guys he also has to think the same about you.. you are no virgin either...
I think his number 17 isn't that high... unless of course he slept with 17 women in 6 months...
__________________
~~ One day someone will walk into your life and make you see why it never worked out with anyone else.. ~~
A more mature outlook would be to look forward from this point on and understand that numbers are just really numbers..
If you like the guy and he respects you and cares about you then that is what really matters...
It sounds like he isn't a total guy slut or anything..
Also remember that STD's can be transmitted from one sexual encounter.. so you having been with 2 guys means that there was a chance you caught something as well..
By the way.. I needed to correct a misspelling on my previous post...
When you think of him sleeping with other girls he also has to think the same about you.. you are no virgin either...
A more mature outlook would be to look forward from this point on and understand that numbers are just really numbers..
If you like the guy and he respects you and cares about you then that is what really matters...
It sounds like he isn't a total guy slut or anything..
Also remember that STD's can be transmitted from one sexual encounter.. so you having been with 2 guys means that there was a chance you caught something as well..
By the way.. I needed to correct a misspelling on my previous post...
When you think of him sleeping with other girls he also has to think the same about you.. you are no virgin either...
As usual, I agree 100% with Art.
I noticed this thread when it was started, but I didn't post on it because I knew what the tenor would be. There are a lot of people, apparently, who suffer greatly from retroactive jealousy.
I wonder what the function of this emotion is? What is the point of being so very upset and beside yourself about something that you cannot control - the past?!
Part of my therapeutic process was learning to let go of my deep-seated need to control things that were beyond my control. It is a process - one you have to work on. Simply stating that the reality of things upsets you does no one any good.
To live your whole life married to someone who disgusts you is beyond stupid.
I guess you have two options - take control of your jealousy and insecurity, or end your current relationship in search of someone who matches your idea of purity.
This is why I never have the "numbers" talk with any of my partners. Never have, never will. I don't care who my partner has slept with, in the past - the past no longer exists. All I care about is that they have a clean STD screen. All I have is today. It's all I'll ever have. And I will be damned if I let something that no longer exists control how I feel today.
__________________
I love these little people; and it is not a slight thing when they, who are so fresh from God, love us.
Siphon9a, you wont find any answers, there are no answers. There are no solutions. There is not really anything you can do. Its not as easy as get over it, but in the end, thats what it boils down to. You can either get over it, or move on. Unfortunately neither is appealing, but it is inevitable. I could give you hundreds of topics, discussions, articles, books, movies, etc on dealing with your partners sexual past, and not one of them has any answer. Not one of them makes any of this any better. Nothing, not even talking about it.
Dearcupid has a couple members who say they have overcome this jealousy problem. What I find funny is that these people still come to the site, still discuss the same topics, still enduldge in it. They say that they are over it, but they are not, because if they were why do they still discuss it, at all. I see some guys who after 30 years of marriage can not take it any more. Some people live their whole life married to this person that they are disgusted by.
All of us have boundaries and limits that we mentally create for our own standard of living. Some people can not cope with more than 1 past lover, some 5, some 10, 20, or 1 less than yourself... Everything is fine until that limit is broken. Some people dont mine numbers as long as how they got to that number is in tune with their own boundaries, no threesomes, cheap sex, one night stands, casual sex, etc... But when that boundary is broken its the same as the number. What even sucks more is when both the boundaries and the limits are broken.
Any women who says they have the right to as many sexual partners as they want, is completely right. You do, you have every right. But that also means that I have the right to my own personal boundaries and limits that I am willing to accept from another person. If you are willing to live a promiscuous lifestyle, then you should realize that you will be reaping the consequences of that as well, such being that men who are looking for marriage and long term partnerships will, in many cases, be put off by your sexual past. It sucks, for both the woman and the man.
My best solution for this problem is not to ask, period. Or if you do, some how hint to her that you want her to lie, because ignorance is bliss my friend.
Thanks for the response. I myself am coming to the grim reality of the situation and what may lie ahead. I know we can change our modes of thinking with time. Alot of people do and others just can't live with certain things due to a core need inside themselves. Without the need being met to a degree, everything will eventually fall apart. For me, I'm working to try the change in thinking and redirect my thoughts. It's hard and I certainly have moments where it's really difficult. The kicker in it all is at the end of the day I don't know if I ever will climb the moutain I have been looking up at as it there are times where it's becomes much taller than it was before.
Yes, the past is the past, they're with you now, etc. However, let's throw a wrench into this. What if your SO had journals or diaries covering nearly two decades, and these contained fairly detailed descriptions of sexual encounters with most of their former lovers, and let's say they left some on a shelf for all to see, next to the dictionary and other books they had read, almost as if to tempt discovery..... How would you feel then???
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
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