My wife and I have been married for 10 years. This year hasn't been the highlight of our marriage. Several changes in our lives have led to increased stresss in the household. One of these changes was my wife going back to work after 3 1/2 years at home. At work, she made a male friend. When she changed jobs, I was surprised that she continued to nurture the friendship with the guy. In fact, she came home one day and told me that they'd gotten together for coffee. She said that she wanted to tell me because she did not want to raise any suspicions. I was unconfortable all the same. I've met the guy, but I don't know him. My wife obviously cares about him, and they're in contact every day.
I expressed my concerns, but my wife said that I have nothing to worry about that "he's just a friend." That wasn't enough to alleviate my concerns, and we ended up arguing. My wife says that I'm getting worked up about nothing and that she's not attracted to the guy in any way. In fact, the male friend is much older than her, overweight, and not exactly what one one deem physically attractive. (My wife is slim and attractive, and I keep myself up well, too.) No matter what my wife says, I can't get the concern out of my head that what my wife and her friend are up to is wrong. Am I being paranoid here. My wife insists that she's not doing anything wrong, but I'm not so sure.
Is there some other reason why you would think your wife capable of having an affair?
She has told you when she sees him. She has introduced you to him. You say you met him but don't know him - why don't you get to know him? Have you never been invited since the first time or do you just not get invited now that you are accusing her of being up to something?
I expressed my concerns, but my wife said that I have nothing to worry about that "he's just a friend." That wasn't enough to alleviate my concerns, and we ended up arguing. My wife says that I'm getting worked up about nothing and that she's not attracted to the guy in any way. In fact, the male friend is much older than her, overweight, and not exactly what one one deem physically attractive. (My wife is slim and attractive, and I keep myself up well, too.) No matter what my wife says, I can't get the concern out of my head that what my wife and her friend are up to is wrong. Am I being paranoid here. My wife insists that she's not doing anything wrong, but I'm not so sure.
Set some boundaries! Sit down and decide what kind of contact you are comfortable with, and communicate that to her. Let her know that your willing to trust... but that she needs to be 110% open and honest. Also if she starts hiding stuff or develops feelings, let her know up front what consequences she faces. I.E... the nastiest divorce of all time, or whatever you deem appropriate.
Also, she may not be attracted to him... but he may be attracted to her! And isn't that just as big a problem?
She is having an emotional affair with this guy and he is meeting some selfish need of hers. Has nothing to do with you, it's all about her. Ego and attention. Problem is, this guy COULD be falling for her, fat or not, that doesn't matter...She could have feelings for him as well.
Keep an eye on her, make her understand that you are NOT pleased with them speaking all of the time and getting together. Ask her how she would feel if you spent that much time with another woman...I bet she would be pissed off and quite jealous.
I wonder what you wife would be feeling if the roles were reversed?
It doesn't always boil down to this. As adults, we make friends with people we meet that are interesting. Some people can't deal with the concept of platonic friendship with the opposite gender; others are fine with it as long as nothing is being hidden and no one is telling lies. One of the ways to do this and keep your partner from feeling threatened is to do what the OP's wife has done. Be upfront about things and introduce the friend. Bring the friend around like you would your same gendered friends.
Hey man, I can really relate to you... My gf is so gullible it kills me! I dont think she would realize someone was after her until they made a move, at which point it could already be too late (how many drinks later kinda thing you know)...
Tell her that you dont know him, and that you are not comfortable with her going out alone with him... If she does not understand, ask her how she would feel if the roles were reversed! You meeting a girl friend at work, going out with her, phone calls with her every day, and then your wife does not even know this girl? You would have to be very self naive to not sense a possible problem!
I think this is how I finally got the point to my gf... Imagine your wifes friend came over for dinner or something, you were not there, and your wife came out completely naked and said **** me now, what do you think the guy would do, or more importantly what does she think the guy would do? Remember, friends dont **** friends, so if she honestly can not answer that, or realizes that yea he would probably do it, then she definitely should not be hanging out with him.
She is having an emotional affair with this guy and he is meeting some selfish need of hers. Has nothing to do with you, it's all about her. Ego and attention. Problem is, this guy COULD be falling for her, fat or not, that doesn't matter...She could have feelings for him as well.
Keep an eye on her, make her understand that you are NOT pleased with them speaking all of the time and getting together. Ask her how she would feel if you spent that much time with another woman...I bet she would be pissed off and quite jealous.
She has done her part to be open and give him access to the friend and yet it just HAS to be an emotional affair?
What, are we in 5th grade?
How about we ponder her making him understand how unpleasant it is to give full disclosure and have your partner still think you have to be out whoring around?
I agree that anythings is possible, but it isn't always a full blown Jerry Springer show and there is no point in turning it into one.
I think this is how I finally got the point to my gf... Imagine your wifes friend came over for dinner or something, you were not there, and your wife came out completely naked and said **** me now, what do you think the guy would do, or more importantly what does she think the guy would do? Remember, friends dont **** friends, so if she honestly can not answer that, or realizes that yea he would probably do it, then she definitely should not be hanging out with him.
The point here is would his wife do that?
Is this guy sending her love letters, flowers, naked fat man pics?
If the guy never ever did anything like that, and the OP knows his wife has more class than that, what does it matter if Mr. Chubs thinks she is attractive? I'm sure anyone can recognize if someone is attractive and still have a platonic friendship.
Mr. Chubs cannot magically make the OP's wife cheat simply by finding her attractive.
She has done her part to be open and give him access to the friend and yet it just HAS to be an emotional affair?
What, are we in 5th grade?
How about we ponder her making him understand how unpleasant it is to give full disclosure and have your partner still think you have to be out whoring around?
I agree that anythings is possible, but it isn't always a full blown Jerry Springer show and there is no point in turning it into one.
No one said she was a whore, I doubt the OP thinks his wife is a whore, and i really doubt this would make for a springer episode.
But I do think that what the wife is engaging in dangerous territories, breaking boundaries, and dis-respecting her marriage and husband. If the husband says he is not comfortable with it, and the wife persists this other relationship with another man, friend or not, its still wrong. Rather she is having an emotional affair, physical affair, or whatever, she is more than likely setting herself up for sticky situations and difficult decisions.
No this is not the 5th grade. I know how men think.
Tell me. What does this gentleman get from the friendship?
I don't know. Maybe they both quilt. Maybe they both like foreign literature or Rockabilly music. Maybe she is helping him stick to a diet by eating together and she picks his food. It could be anything.
I have a couple guy friends that *might* take me up on an offer for sex, but I'm not offering and they know I'd knock their block off if they asked especially since I am in a relationship and they know my man. I'd think it was low of them.
What do they get out of it? My company and ear.
The point here is would his wife do that?
Is this guy sending her love letters, flowers, naked fat man pics?
If the guy never ever did anything like that, and the OP knows his wife has more class than that, what does it matter if Mr. Chubs thinks she is attractive? I'm sure anyone can recognize if someone is attractive and still have a platonic friendship.
Mr. Chubs cannot magically make the OP's wife cheat simply by finding her attractive.
It does not matter if his wife would do it or not, but just to note I doubt she would. But that does not change the fact that he would still sleep with her... Or potentially likes her... And if the friend thinks that he can get a chance, he might take advantage of that and try to seduce her to be with him.
Here is a situation, which could come from this:
Wife and the guy stay friends for a year. Become really good friends. Wife does not like the friend sexually, but friend likes her, a lot. One night, husband and wife get into a heated argument, someone spilled the milk, so wife goes out with her friend for a few drinks to blow off some steam. After a few martinis and a lot of husband bashing, friend goes in for the move. Now what? Does she sleep with him, does she slap him? No one knows, but here is the fact: she put herself in this situation, something she could have avoided.
Whatever this friend has, she should be able to get from her husband, if she has to seek it from another man, then something is wrong.
It does not matter if his wife would do it or not, but just to note I doubt she would. But that does not change the fact that he would still sleep with her... Or potentially likes her... And if the friend thinks that he can get a chance, he might take advantage of that and try to seduce her to be with him.
Here is a situation, which could come from this:
Wife and the guy stay friends for a year. Become really good friends. Wife does not like the friend sexually, but friend likes her, a lot. One night, husband and wife get into a heated argument, someone spilled the milk, so wife goes out with her friend for a few drinks to blow off some steam. After a few martinis and a lot of husband bashing, friend goes in for the move. Now what? Does she sleep with him, does she slap him? No one knows, but here is the fact: she put herself in this situation, something she could have avoided.
Whatever this friend has, she should be able to get from her husband, if she has to seek it from another man, then something is wrong.
Then the problem becomes issues with judgment while drinking (alcohol issues) and rape - duh.
If the friend tells her he wants her physically - he gets the boot and was never really a friend. If he never says a word and pulls what you just described - it is rape.
Wow... Thats not rape... Its poor judgement... If she consented, even if she was a little tipsy, how is that rape? Having a few drinks and not making rational decisions is not rape. If she passed out and he sexually assaulted her without her consent, while she was unconscious, then that would be rape.
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