Should a guy who is living with his finace be able to attend a gathering at a friends house, drink till he can't stand and stay the night, without his fiance? Now before you judge.... I have been with my girl for 2 years. I have never done this before (NEVER). She is invited (although she will say that I didn't invite her correctly). I haven't hung out with some of these guys in 5 years. My friends lives over an hour away. When I try to explain this to my fiance, she gets very upset and claims very seriously that I have no respect for her feelings and that I don't care about her feelings. So I ask, what does this have to do with your feelings .? Why don't you just come with me and we get drunk together (she drinks too), these are really good people? "Because you don't want me there" she says, then I say "I would love nothing more than to be able to hang out with my finace with my friends and have a good time. That being said, I haven't seen these guys in 5 years, I don't want to have to watch what I drink and I don't' want to leave early; so if your ok with that than lets role together."
So I agree to not stay over night and she is ok with me going by myself. Well I get to the party and time flys, but by the time I'm into 2.5 beers... its 9:00 and I promised I would be home before 12:00 am and I have a long drive home with expired plates (on the way there I realized my plates were expired, its a long story, but unusual for me to do that). I'm having a great time at this party, but I realize I have to leave. So I call and ask "permission" to stay overnight so I can enjoy myself a little longer. She blows up at me. I quickly stop selling the idea and say "ok, I'm sorry, I've had my last beer and I'll be home before 12:00 am" ... I get home and she has booked a flight back home and is contemplating leaving me for good, because "I don't care about her feelings"... I'm thinking...she is the one not caring about my feelings. Remember, we have not spent a night apart in over a year. So I don't get upset with her, I just say, "I love you and I want you to be happy... if leaving me makes you happy...then leave", Well she doesn't leave and she cancels the flight, but what the hell man? I feel trapped, she is so afraid of everything... and I love her, but I'm not sure I can take the limits on my legitimate freedom forever. What should I do... leave? Carry on with what I want to do, without carring if she will leave me? ... Talk to her different? Help!
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Last edited by Surf2008; 2nd June 2008 at 1:08 PM.
When I try to explain this to my fiance, she gets very upset and claims very seriously that I have no respect for her feelings and that I don't care about her feelings. So I ask, what does this have to do with your feelings .? Why don't you just come with me and we get drunk together (she drinks too), these are really good people? "Because you don't want me there" she says, then I say "I would love nothing more than to be able to hang out with my finace with my friends and have a good time. That being said, I haven't seen these guys in 5 years, I don't want to have to watch what I drink and I don't' want to leave early; so if your ok with that than lets role together."
So I agree to not stay over night and she is ok with me going by myself. Well I get to the party and time flys, but by the time I'm into 2.5 beers... its 9:00 and I promised I would be home before 12:00 am and I have a long drive home with expired plates (on the way there I realized my plates were expired, its a long story, but unusual for me to do that). I'm having a great time at this party, but I realize I have to leave. So I call and ask "permission" to stay overnight so I can enjoy myself a little longer. She blows up at me. I quickly stop selling the idea and say "ok, I'm sorry, I've had my last beer and I'll be home before 12:00 am" ... I get home and she has booked a flight back home and is contemplating leaving me for good, because "I don't care about her feelings"...
I would suspect Surf2008, that you have posted already knowing what most people's response will be. Regardless, here goes...
She sounds pathologically controlling and manipulative. Grown people in a healthy relationship trust each other to act in ways that conform to agreed upon boundaries and guidelines, as opposed to "asking permission". So unless you want to spend the rest of your life trying to toe a line that changes based on whim and insecurity, I'd seriously reconsider your pending marriage. Otherwise, I'll look for your post in the "Divorce and Separation" forum 12-18 months from now .
That's that hugh? Well to be honest, I agree, but I have people telling me it will get better too, but I'm not sure it will. I'm getting so many mixed messages. I have so much invested in this relationship, to just walk away is so huge. Thanks for you input
she has booked a flight back home and is contemplating leaving me for good, because "I don't care about her feelings"... I'm thinking...she is the one not caring about my feelings. Remember, we have not spent a night apart in over a year. So I don't get upset with her, I just say, "I love you and I want you to be happy... if leaving me makes you happy...then leave", Well she doesn't leave and she cancels the flight, but what the hell man? I feel trapped, she is so afraid of everything...
huge red flag, dude – she feels it's okay to manipulate you however she wants, then backs down when you fail to fall into the role she expects you to assume. Frankly, she doesn't sound mature enough to even be contemplating marriage.
don't walk away ... RUN! This is not the person you should contemplate an ever-after with because you will be continually tested by her, and you will rarely, if ever, pass those tests.
__________________ "It's the longest Hail Mary pass in the history of either football or Marys," said Rep. Barney Frank, one of the chief bailout negotiators.
I see nothing wrong with going out and letting loose with your male friends you haven't seen in ages! You haven't seen these guys in years, and have spent every night together with your gf for the past year--- it's distressing she can't allow you one evening of companionship with your friends!
Do things like that get better? Not likely.
The threatening to leave on her part was a power/punishment move...
Take a man's friends and freedom from him- and you can bet a part of him dies inside. That's so uncool.
I would suggest putting your foot down with her. DO you want to get married and then end up ostracized from your friends because she doesn't want you having fun with them?
It's sad really- that she doesn't realize that giving you her trust and freedom would actually bring the two of you closer... instead it could very well pull you apart.
I'd think long and hard about getting married- I wouldn't proceed until this issue gets resolved. The only way to resolve it is to take the hard line with her.
I think it is foolish to believe it will change/get better. You need to assume the woman you are about to marry is the woman you will live with for the rest of your life. So the question is can you?
You've only provided parts of the story - so I am trying to reserve judgement. What did you mean when you said she didn't feel you had asked her correctly?
Overall I think the entire scenario is absurd, and a huge red flag. To tell the truth my first reaction was WTF she wants him to drive drunk?!
Maybe her side will become clearer to me when you answer my question above - but truth is I don't get it, and I'm stunned you gave into it!
Good point! We've all been speculating about her, but an obvious question would be "Why would you agree to drive home after several beers with expired plates, based solely on her demand?" If you feel strongly about something, don't you feel qualified or empowered to make a decision like that yourself ?
That's that hugh? Well to be honest, I agree, but I have people telling me it will get better too, but I'm not sure it will. I'm getting so many mixed messages. I have so much invested in this relationship, to just walk away is so huge. Thanks for you input
Think of it this way. You should never marry someone for what they might become. You should always marry someone for who they are, right now.
When women complain about not being able to change their men, the advice is always quite obvious - you can't change someone. They can only change themselves. And that only happens when they recognize, for themselves, that the way they are behaving is unacceptible.
The same holds true for men complaining about not being able to change their woman.
__________________
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To answer your question about "I didn't invite her correctly": There is a back story, a huge back story. I have always given in to her when she protestes me doing things that would be overnight, including business trips. She has "allowed me" to do "approved" activities. I can golf with my friends (I have yet to do that), for half a day, I can go fishing (I have yet to do that either) with my friends for half a day, but anything that would requires me to stay overnight is seen, by her, as a great threat. So this time, we had been fighting for about 5 days about other things. This is not the only issue I have with her. I can get into that later.
So this time I was just going to do what I wanted to do. I just wanted to hang out with my friends without any rules and regluations. So I said to her, "I'm going to the party on Saturday. Do you want to go?", she said "No, you obviously don't want me there", so I said, "Its not that I don't want you there, its that I don't care, I would love it if we could go together, thats the type of thing I want to do with my partner, but I don't want to leave early (like we always do) and I just want to get drunk, which I rarely do." This made her even more angery. She swore that i would get there and want to stay, I ,at the time, disagreeed with her, but when I got there, she was right I wanted to stay." Her main argument when I got back was that I had put her in a bad situation, a "no win" situation. On the one had, she said, you said you should come home and you know that I didn't want you to stay over night, and on the other and I'm now the crazy girlfriend that is making you to come home". In other words: I just want you home without any discussion or argument, especially if you friends are listening.
As for the other issues. She can turn on my in a heart beat, we can be hanging out having a good time. At somepoint in the situation she will as me question, usually have something to do with something or someone I did in my past. The most recent question was, "Have you ever been naked in public?", I said "yes, when I was in college I went streaking through a frat party, that had 150 people in it. I walked around the party naked for about 15 minutes." She rolled her eyes and said, "ok, I'm done here." She got pissed and starts to ignore me. I usually try to state my case and she fights me everystep of the way. The argument turns into my appeal for understanding with her refusal to understand or to even let me know that she still loves me even though she is upset with me. She is also very jealous. ... i know i know ... what am I doing?
Also... 4 years ago her mothered died in a very very tragic way at the same time that her father was severely injured and is now handicapped. Her world was shattered. I guess I thought I would be strong enought to help her. She has a ton of pain from that and so I gave in to things too much to make her feel better.
Ok IMHO this is a toxic relationship. She has a list of things she allows you to do?! Frankly you two are not suited!
Generally people who prefer to stay home or get home early don't need to make rules about it, becuase their partners typically feel the same way.
The fact that she has imposed on rules on you is completely controlling. The fact that you accepted them is absurd.
I understand you not wanting to rock the apple cart while she was recovering from her family tragedy - but that doesn't mean you want to live your life that way.
Frankly I'm very suprised that she is happy with the situation either. No woman wants to have to tell her man how to make her happy - he should sort of know it (for the most part) and do it on his own. Ok maybe I'm wrong on this one - I am not a controlling woman - so maybe some women are like this (which of course makes me wonder why women like this are married/engaged and I can't seem to figure it out).
I think you two need joint counseling and I think you two need to seriously question your compatability. If the relationship continues as it has been, I'd suspect you will become very resentful and neither one of you will be happy.
She doesn't impose rules perse. There isn't an actual list of approved activies, but that's what it feels like.
When I met her we went out all the time. We always stayed out late and with her friends we would. But with my friends she is ready to go home early. When I'm with her and her friends, I understand that this is her time and I'm there for her. For her, when she's out with her friends she cares more about me, which to me in unnecessary. When I'm out with my friends she wants me to take care of her the whole time. Which means that she wants to leave early. Which is fine... but when I do want to stay out late...once in a blue moon, I should get any crap about it...darnit!
I'm not easily manipulated, I can see when I'm begin manipulated, but I usually don't confront it because I don't want to upset her.
She is not happy at all. She is miserable. When ever I try to talk about what I need she cries and starts yelling and blaming me. The way I see it, I'm trying to fullfill my life and that doesn't line up with her life. I know the answer.
The bottom line is, yes this is a toxic relationship and I just need to do what I want and and she can leave me if she wants to.
Quote:
Originally Posted by curiousnycgirl
Ok IMHO this is a toxic relationship. She has a list of things she allows you to do?! Frankly you two are not suited!
Generally people who prefer to stay home or get home early don't need to make rules about it, becuase their partners typically feel the same way.
The fact that she has imposed on rules on you is completely controlling. The fact that you accepted them is absurd.
I understand you not wanting to rock the apple cart while she was recovering from her family tragedy - but that doesn't mean you want to live your life that way.
Frankly I'm very suprised that she is happy with the situation either. No woman wants to have to tell her man how to make her happy - he should sort of know it (for the most part) and do it on his own. Ok maybe I'm wrong on this one - I am not a controlling woman - so maybe some women are like this (which of course makes me wonder why women like this are married/engaged and I can't seem to figure it out).
I think you two need joint counseling and I think you two need to seriously question your compatability. If the relationship continues as it has been, I'd suspect you will become very resentful and neither one of you will be happy.
if you know the relationship is unhealthy, what the hell are you waiting around for, expecting her to leave if she doesn't like what's going on? Shouldn't you be making tracks instead, simply because you know the relationship is not what it should be for a lifetime commitment? Or are you just lazy, hoping that *she* will see the light and end things instead of you being the decisive one? You're only going to prolong the agony, then get stuck in a marriage you don't even want because you're not happy or compatible with her.
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