Same old, same old... I'm 49, been married for over 20 years. Marriage has been pretty passionless, we are good friends but no spark. There are rarely any arguments since we are both conflict avoiders. If I'm honest, it all started to fall apart after the children now 16, 19, came along. Basically I let myself be backed into a corner where I felt over worked, under appreciated and taken for granted. Spent a lot of my life feeling lonely despite having good friends. I have only myself to blame but was too dumb to see it at the time. After many years of resisting constant temptation, I have fallen for another woman. She is single (39) but is scared stiff I will leave my wife for her at this point. We have been seeing each other for 6 months now so the "honeymoon" phase is over. When we are together I feel happy and complete. We have a lot in common and in many respects we are like soul mates. She has now moved away but we still speak on the phone and keep in touch.
All this has forced me to reevalute my life and marriage. How can I stay in a marriage with someone I don't love and continue to deceive her? The flip side is I know it would devastate my wife and kids if I left and I don't think I could put her through that. Don't know what I expect anyone to say apart from "pull yourself together". Feeling completely trapped and so low at the moment and have considered suicide. Tried Prozak but that made things worse.
Go to counselling alone to figure this out. If you leave your wife for the OW, the same problems will occur. Need to learn to speak up and be willing to change, compromise and bend, that goes for your wife too.
End this with the OW because it IS wrong, what you are doing to your wife and kids.
Going on anti D's isn't going to solve the problem, talking about it will though. Once you figure out what you want to do, then talk to your wife and hopefully together you two can get to marriage counselling and learn how to love eachother again, like you both did before the kids came along. Obviously you loved her enough to marry her and have children.
This is YOUR life so work hard to make it a happy one.
Tell your OW that it's over and that you need to fix your marriage.
She is single (39) but is scared stiff I will leave my wife for her at this point.
Could you elaborate on what you mean by this please?
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We have been seeing each other for 6 months now so the "honeymoon" phase is over.
Hmmm. Call me a skeptic, but I'd say it probably takes more time and exposure than six months in an illicit relationship (where you do not have repetitive day-to-day interactions) to be pronounced officially "Through the Honeymoon Phase."
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Feeling completely trapped and so low at the moment and have considered suicide.
Talk to your therapist about this. If the Prozac didn't work, then let your healthcare provider know so that changes can be made.
I know it may feel insurmountable right now, but this thing can be weathered, as can any other storm of life.
I'd think your best bet is to cut it off with the OW and sort out your own head and pre-existing relationship (marriage) before you try to enter into any other sort of LTR. I believe that no good relationship can come of such difficult beginnings if you haven't gotten your own thoughts/feelings in order.
I suggest marriage counselling. It may bring you to the conclusion that you should leave the marriage, but going through the process with your wife will be better than you dropping it on the kitchen table one night out of the blue.
She may not be all that happy either, whether she realizes it or not. But a good therapist can lead you both through discussions about where you are as individuals, where the marriage is and whether it can be improved or not.
I will tell you, though it will be hard for you to believe at this point, but your view of things may be temporarily distorted. I can tell you this from personal experience, tons of reading and reading of threads on this site on any given day. Plenty of people rewrite the history of their lives when involved in an affair. They realize later that the OW wasn't as great as they thought and the W wasn't as bad.
You say you don't want to divorce because it would devastate your W. It may be you don't really want to either. However, you don't want to remain unhappy and you may not need to.
People have mixed opinions on whether to tell about the A or not. In your case, you may not need to do that, but you DO need to tell your wife you don't feel happy and that you want her to go to counselling with you to see what can be done.
Just try. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain. But if you continue to connect with OW, it will be almost impossible to progress.
1. Life should never be about being overworked and underappreciated and lovelorn to the point where you are considering suicide. So it is time to take action, and to get your life back on the sunny side. It can happen and it will.
2. Your wife also has a responsibility to be there for you, to listen to you, and to care for you. So tell her exactly how you feel, how unhappy you are and that you want to see changes--profound.
3. If she agrees, I would give this an exclusive three months of work--a real concerted effort on both your parts. This means an effort at romantic interest, in communication, in time alone, rediscovered interests. The kids are mature and nearing maturity at 19 and 16 and will be able to handle anything as long as you keep an eye out for their interests.
4. If at the end of three months you see no fundamental change, or if, a month later, you see "backsliding" then you should separate.
5. I am a believer in separation as a wake-up call. For marriages that are really, completely over where there is just no interest on either side, they usually lead to divorce. But in those situations where love is still there, where hope still lingers, they CAN be the last and final warning to get things fixed.
6. Your wife, if she has not been appreciating you is equally to blame for your state of mind. So do not feel so guilty or apologetic that your mind and heart should wander to other sources of affection.
7. If your marriage is worth saving, then either the concentrated, exclusive, three month effort should produce some effect OR a last-attempt separation should be the final kick in the a$$ to get the marriage into some shape.
8. The OW should be told of your plan so that you do not cruelly disappear all of a sudden one day. Tell her plainly and truthfully what you are doing for the next few months. Allow her the freedom to meet other people, and since she is a bit gun-shy about a relationship with you right now, the timing might be just right.
If at the end of all of this the marriage just does not come together and the OW really truly stays on your mind as the One, then I believe you will have your clear answer. But taking steps to turn over a few last stones will not only give you peace of mind that you tried your best, your wife will also know what your concerns were and that you meant for it to be taken seriously.
(PS I am not big on marriage "counseling" but that is my humble opinion, as they say)
You CAN have a win win situation, even if it means some heartbreak here or there. You can get your life back, get the air cleared, get efforts underway, and if need be, free yourself for a true lady love.
xoxxx
OE
__________________ The Immortals are Swift to the Mortals Who Perservere--Aristophanes
Last edited by OldEurope; 28th May 2008 at 2:13 PM.
1. Life should never be about being overworked and underappreciated and lovelorn to the point where you are considering suicide. So it is time to take action, and to get your life back on the sunny side. It can happen and it will.
2. Your wife also has a responsibility to be there for you, to listen to you, and to care for you. So tell her exactly how you feel, how unhappy you are and that you want to see changes--profound.
3. If she agrees, I would give this an exclusive three months of work--a real concerted effort on both your parts. This means an effort at romantic interest, in communication, in time alone, rediscovered interests. The kids are mature and nearing maturity at 19 and 16 and will be able to handle anything as long as you keep an eye out for their interests.
4. If at the end of three months you see no fundamental change, or if, a month later, you see "backsliding" then you should separate.
5. I am a believer in separation as a wake-up call. For marriages that are really, completely over where there is just no interest on either side, they usually lead to divorce. But in those situations where love is still there, where hope still lingers, they CAN be the last and final warning to get things fixed.
6. Your wife, if she has not been appreciating you is equally to blame for your state of mind. So do not feel so guilty or apologetic that your mind and heart should wander to other sources of affection.
7. If your marriage is worth saving, then either the concentrated, exclusive, three month effort should produce some effect OR a last-attempt separation should be the final kick in the a$$ to get the marriage into some shape.
8. The OW should be told of your plan so that you do not cruelly disappear all of a sudden one day. Tell her plainly and truthfully what you are doing for the next few months. Allow her the freedom to meet other people, and since she is a bit gun-shy about a relationship with you right now, the timing might be just right.
If at the end of all of this the marriage just does not come together and the OW really truly stays on your mind as the One, then I believe you will have your clear answer. But taking steps to turn over a few last stones will not only give you peace of mind that you tried your best, your wife will also know what your concerns were and that you meant for it to be taken seriously.
(PS I am not big on marriage "counseling" but that is my humble opinion, as they say)
You CAN have a win win situation, even if it means some heartbreak here or there. You can get your life back, get the air cleared, get efforts underway, and if need be, free yourself for a true lady love.
xoxxx
OE
1. Agreed!
2. Absolutely. Its possible that she's either not heard where she needs to make those changes, or didn't understand the urgency of making them.
3. This won't work anytime soon. While he's still involved with OW, or even shortly after the affair has ended, it won't do any good. He'll still be in withdrawl (pining for her), and his heart and mind won't truly be focused on this. Either this needs to have a longer duration, or the start date on it needs to be postponed by two months to give him time to "get over" the affair before effort can be put into this.
4. I would agree, with the caveats suggested in 3.
5. Seperation as a wake up call is a bad idea. Seperation as a prelude to divorce is a good idea. When seperated, there's less effort put into meeting each other's emotional needs. With the physical gap comes less opportunity to meet those needs, and most often leads to divorce rather than reconciliation. If he wants to give the marriage a chance, then working on the marriage while still in the same home is his best bet. Seperation really is just a greater opportunity for them to grow apart...and provides a setting that is conducive to the resumption of the affair rather than the reconciliation of the marriage.
6. She is absolutely equally to blame for the state of the marriage if she's been made aware of the shortcomings and has done nothing to correct them on her side. She is in no way responsible or to blame for his choice to have an affair. Seperate items. She was in the same poor marriage he was, but didn't take that path.
7. See the caveats in 3 and 6. Three months MIGHT work...depending on the foundation years of GOOD marriage that they had prior to the affair. If there were many good years, 3 months might be sufficient. If there was far more good than bad, 3 months won't be enough time to rebuild the relationship properly.
8. I agree completely...tell the OW what you're doing, make it clear what's going on, and "free" her to do her own thing. And...you need to go completely NC with OW from that point on...any contact between you and OW will 'reset the clock' on your recovery process.
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Wise...no. Been through enough to have learned to value wisdom...certainly!
8. The OW should be told of your plan so that you do not cruelly disappear all of a sudden one day. Tell her plainly and truthfully what you are doing for the next few months. Allow her the freedom to meet other people, and since she is a bit gun-shy about a relationship with you right now, the timing might be just right.
If at the end of all of this the marriage just does not come together and the OW really truly stays on your mind as the One, then I believe you will have your clear answer. But taking steps to turn over a few last stones will not only give you peace of mind that you tried your best, your wife will also know what your concerns were and that you meant for it to be taken seriously.
No, the OW should be cut out of his life for the rest of his life. In an instant. No explanation necessary, as he owes her nothing but silence.
From Frank Pittman:
Quote:
Helen Fisher, in ANATOMY OF LOVE, gives a fascinating neurochemical explanation of how
infidelity causes divorce: infidelity is exciting, causing an excessive production (in men and
women) of testosterone and amphetamine like neurotransmitters, at the expense of comfort
seeking and nesting hormones like oxytocin or happiness and contentment producing hormones
like serotonin. People in affairs are nuts, dependent, desperate, miserable and paranoid, unable
to relax around their familiar mates. They are not necessarily unhappy with their marriage before
the affair, but they are afterwards. Adulterers can’t reestablish intimacy as long as they harbor a
secret or fear their partner’s anger and rage. (See the recent movie UNFAITHFUL for a picture of
what a thoughtless, motiveless affair can do to a serene and cozy marriage.)
edited 2 add: He needs 2 tell his W about the affair and seek her help in overcoming it. Only then can he figure out whether they've got reason enough 2 stay married.
All marriages become routine. It's each partners' responsibility 2 do something about it - WITH their spouse, not running away for a quick fix from someone else.
This is a completely callous and usupportable position. My god there's some ridiculous people on here.
He doesn't owe anything drawn out, but he does owe her a brief, clear communication and equal information about what's going on in her own damn life.
81W, don't you know by now that according to some here the OW is less than human ? (has no feelings to care about)
If, god forbid I should ever find myself as a BS reconciling with a WS, I would surely think less of him as a man if he could be so callous to someone he had professed to love enough to risk our M
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Life is too short.......period
Last edited by Lookingforward; 28th May 2008 at 5:13 PM.
Ok.
Just as a clarification, when I said to "cut it off with the other woman" I did not mean to endorse shabby treatment of her (or anyone else, for that matter). My point was just that I do believe such a thing as "affair fog" to exist. And I do also believe that one cannot make clear decisions about other relationships in one's life when one is in the midst of an "affair fog."
I don't think the above is pointed at me, but I just wanted to set this straight, anyway.
Ok.
Just as a clarification, when I said to "cut it off with the other woman" I did not mean to endorse shabby treatment of her (or anyone else, for that matter). My point was just that I do believe such a thing as "affair fog" to exist. And I do also believe that one cannot make clear decisions about other relationships in one's life when one is in the midst of an "affair fog."
I don't think the above is pointed at me, but I just wanted to set this straight, anyway.
This is a completely callous and usupportable position. My god there's some ridiculous people on here.
He doesn't owe anything drawn out, but he does owe her a brief, clear communication and equal information about what's going on in her own damn life.
I don't advocate punishing people, even people making selfish and thoughtless choices (for having an affair with someone else's husband). But there's nothing at all wrong with being callous toward bad behavior.
The OW may be a sweet person who simply has no idea how painful it is 2 be betrayed after 20 years of marriage. She may have no idea how compromised her morals and integrity are, if she's telling herself that having an affair is some kind of "love story" or something. Or that keeping secrets is "privacy" or otherwise not lying.
I agree that he should tell her that he can have no further contact with her in a kind manner. There are several sample "no contact letters" out there that could be used in this si2ation. They must not include "I love yous", "I miss yous" or "tell me how your doings", and they SHOULD be signed by both the WS and the BS, so that the affairee knows they are working as a team of equals.
LF:
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81W, don't you know by now that according to some here the OW is less than human ? (has no feelings to care about)
Not according 2 me. Anybody can "redeem" themselves for bad behavior. Anybody can be worthy of being forgiven. But the behavior should stop first, don't you think?
And this doesn't just apply 2 OWs, but OMs and WSs as well. Even BSs - affairs don't happen in a vacuum. There was something wrong with my marriage when my W started her affair, and I'm partly responsible for that. But the BS is not responsible for the affair.
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If, god forbid I should ever find myself as a BS reconciling with a WS, I would surely think less of him as a man if he could be so callous to someone he had professed to love enough to risk our M
I sincerely hope you never have 2 find this out. In the end, the WS needs 2 make their own decisions as how, or if, they want 2 recover (themselves, then maybe the marriage). My W has never agreed 2 NC with the OM. She's never agreed 2 disclose 2 me what they even say 2 one another (thankfully, they don't communicate much anymore). And while I know the affair is long over (RM is remarried), you have no idea how hurtful it is for me 2 know that my W seems 2 continue 2 value her "friendship" than her own 32-yr marriage 2 me. I act2ally know that's not exactly the case - more like, she avoids thinking about it - but it still hurts more tha you can imagine.
LadiDi:
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I agree. Geez! Can we at least be kind to the other people that his dicisions will effect? I'm with Old Europe.
Most definitely! First and foremost, the WS needs 2 be honest - with themselves and their spouse, most definitely. I don't know how intimacy can be restored between them, or even if this OP will ever be able 2 objectively determine if it's possible, so long as he keeps the affair a secret.
Maybe the solution here is 2 sit both his W and the OW down 2gether and let the WH explain the si2ation and how continued contact with the OW won't harm the marriage. Believe it or not, I know of at least a 2ple of cases where this was tried. The affair ended and the affairee went away for good, though. And the marriages thrived.
Thank you all for your thoughtful and caring replies. I never exepected such a response. I feel better already
[quote=Mustang Sally;1678304]Could you elaborate on what you mean by this please?
I have discussed ending my marriage to be with her but she is adamant that I shouldn't do this at this stage. She says she does not want the responsibility of thinking she broke up a family. I have explained that I was unhappy anyway before I met her but deep down I know she is right. It would be wrong to leave for someone else right now. Problem is, I love her so much.
whichwayisup / smartgirl:
I've started counselling and this is helping much more that the Prozac. I have good days and bad days but at the moment cannot contemplate cutting things off with the OW. I know I have probably invested too much in her but we are trying to keep things 'light' at the moment. I think she knows what I am going through and has always been very supportive and practical.
OldEurope:
Thanks very much for this, It really hit home. The problem I have is that things have been going on for so long now and I have just had an almighty wake up call. I now suddenly realise I'm nearing 50 and the best years of my life have slipped away. I've concentrated on work and providing for the family but looking back I've been quite an unhappy person. I would be wrong to pin all this on my wife who is a good and sweet person at heart. The problem is I just don't love her anymore and it has been devastating to me to realise this.
Owl:
I don't know how I will be able to go completely NC with OW. I don't think I'm strong enough for that right now. You don't seem to think that a trial separation would work. Is this from personal experience?
2long:
Thanks for your thoughtful contributions.
I know something has to give but this is what is causing so much stress I don't see a way out.
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
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