Here's an update.. nothing really happened, but the dynamic has changed...
Doesn't it always...
Anywho... Last Saturday the ex and I went out for dinner and dancing.. had a blast, got very very intoxicated and she spent the night at my place, and in my bed.. No sex, and no kissing either.. THAT was hard.. literally....
I went to her place on Tuesday, and left there forgetting something of mine. My ex drove by my place to drop off my stuff.. I asked her what her plans were for the day... and she said that the other guy (her recent ex bf) had bought her tickets to the Blue Jays game, and that she's going.. I felt my blood boil, but I kept it cool.. took my belongings back, told her I had to go and left.
She called me the next day, and I ignored the hell out of it. She then texted me asking if I was still interested in being her friend, cause I seemed pissed, and didnt know why I was.
Thing is, before she told me that she wanted me back, she told me that her and her recent ex were still civil and on speaking terms...a week after she told me that, was when she told me she loved me still.
It appears she's taken a step back, or maybe Im still looking at the situation in a selfish light.. cause maybe I don't have the right to be upset... after all, she is single, and didn't promise me anything.
Whatever..
Right now, im on NFC until further notice.. Im not focusing on her, and I'm taking it day by day. I love her to death still, but im at the point of loving her and being jaded about the whole thing at the same time.. which is good I suppose..
Anyway, I'd appreciate feedback, cause an outside opinion is ALWAYS best..
Here's an update.. nothing really happened, but the dynamic has changed...
Doesn't it always...
(and everything else here)
Sorry to hear that, bro. It begs respect, though, to see that you've had feelings that she's going to pull back because of your cheatin' days. That's hard to really let go of.
Steady as she goes, brother. You have the tools now to take care of yourself if things don't end up the way you want them to (and the way I'm hoping for you, because who doesn't like good endings to second chances?). You're the priority.
__________________
The opposite of love is not hate; it's indifference. - Prof. Elie Wiesel
"With every goodbye you learn" - Veronica Shoffstall
Be still, and know that I am God. - Psalm 46:10 "OBJECTION!"
You know, I read your whole story and I feel that your ex is very manipulative. I don't know if she was that way when you were together. Sure, you cheated once, but you apologised many times for it, even to her parents - it was brave to do it - and everyone makes mistakes. Nobody's perfect.
I feel that she's making you feel guilty for the demise of your relationship by saying that she can't trust you because you cheated but she's acting, in my opinion, far worst than you because she keeps on coming back, getting your hopes up and disappointing you. It's muck more cruel than cheating during a break.
dude u want mad brownie points don't sleep with her the first chance...tell her you want to take it slow and make sure your both ready...that'll allow her to trust you more because she'll realize your not just looking for sex and that you really do love her
Congratulations to you. I would give ANYTHING to receive that call.
Well, this may sound silly, but I think I'd rather be in your situation, than in mine.
Reason being...
Your BF terminated the relationship, and never looked back. Yes, that hurts.. a lot. But by him not looking back, it is MUCH MUCH easier to try and forget about him, and move on. Cause there's no hope.
With me, she comes back.. actually let me correct myself.. I allow her to come back into my life, and disappear.. repeatedly.. which in turn tortures me, cause with every time that she comes back.. im thinking that THIS is the time she really wants to give me that second chance.. which sadly, I still feel im going to get one day.
Creating closure after being dumped and teased..I feel, is more challenging than being dumped and ignored.
Both scenerios still stink like hot garbage..
I will continue to keep everyone posted. Thank you for showing interest in my story.
may not be the best advice because it could either work or blow up in your face, but if i was you i would tell her she needs to stop playing games with you because your both adults and she either needs to make up her mind and be friends with you or not...i wouldn't push emphasis on going out again just be friends...because it looks like she's just messing with you until she can figure out what you want
personally i hate woman who do this and there is alot like that...my ex doesn't do that for the most part every once in a blue moon she'll pull some **** but most of the time shes not very good at it and i see right through it...
You know, I read your whole story and I feel that your ex is very manipulative. I don't know if she was that way when you were together. Sure, you cheated once, but you apologised many times for it, even to her parents - it was brave to do it - and everyone makes mistakes. Nobody's perfect.
Truth be told.. she was never like this before. But when you boil down to it, it was my actions that caused all this. I understand her wanting to hurt me maybe after the first six months of the incident..but after a year and a half?? Either give me that second chance, or leave me alone..she can't seem to do either.
Quote:
Originally Posted by mousse
I feel that she's making you feel guilty for the demise of your relationship by saying that she can't trust you because you cheated but she's acting, in my opinion, far worst than you because she keeps on coming back, getting your hopes up and disappointing you. It's muck more cruel than cheating during a break.
I mentioned that to her in a fight we had last year, and she doesnt see that at all. Either because she doesn't want to see it, or because she's only 21.
If I was dumped because she wanted "time and space" or she wanted to date around, the dynamic of this story wouldn't be the same at all, because she chose to walk. I would go NC, and if she wanted to come back, I'd tell her leave me alone.... but because I was the perpetrator for our breakup.. Im allowing a lot of the manipulation on her part.. cause for some reason, I feel I deserve it, if im ever going to get her back.
Whether she comes back or not, I have learned the hard/effective way, the residual effects of not being 100% faithful.
I would want to go through this all over again, if I didn't learn my lesson the first time. What I have learned is priceless, and will be transferred on to the next relationship I have.. whether it be with her, or someone else.
but because I was the perpetrator for our breakup.. Im allowing a lot of the manipulation on her part.. cause for some reason, I feel I deserve it, if im ever going to get her back.
No, you don't deserve that much manipulation I think. I understand that she wants to test you but what she did this week was just mean. There's a difference between making someone work for a second chance and hurting them and playing with their mind.
I think your ex isn't ready for a relationship, she probably has strong feelings for you, but at the same time she's confused. She probably needs time to grow, evolve, understand what she wants in a relationship, become happy by herself. It's hard to know at 21 what you really want in a mate and in a relationship( I'm 22, I can relate). At this age, there's also the pressure to experiment a lot, to date a lot, and maybe she's not sure she wants something serious because of that.
Hi Vivrantflo, I will try as much as possible to be as brief as I can.
First of all, apologies for what you are going through, the whole roller coaster ride. It must be very painful, drawing you back etc. Hope you manage to stay on top of it.
IMO, I honestly think you have done enough. I noticed two things you mentioned in your posts. Two things that you think 'sort of' justify what's going on now.
1- The fact that you initiated the break (please correct me if I am wrong)
2- The fact that you 'cheated' or slept with someone else whilst you were on a break.
To be honest, I can understand if she was mad at you for a few months because you suggested the break. However, in all honesty, if you were on a break, then you were not cheating on her per se.
I honestly think that the whole 'I can trust you' line is a bit off. I also think its a bit manipulative.
You have done all you can, she KNOWS you love her. She KNOWS how much you want to be with her. Its not like you 'cheated' whilst you were together. You simply wanted a break (I can understand why that would have upset her). Nevertheless, I think you should get rid of the thought that she is treating you this way because of what you did. Yes, I know you initiated the break, but you also made it extra clear you wanted her back etc.
I am female and I know one thing. If I love someone and want to be with the person, I would take the person back...at least after a while.
You have waited too long for her, you have apologised to her parents ( most of the people I know would not do that!), you have tried so many times to win her back, (the only crime you committed being that you slept with someone during a BREAK!!)Come on, what else is a man supposed to do?
I wonder if she contacted you maybe because she was lonely. I dont know. However, I think you should get this idea, that you deserve what you are getting out of your mind.
Never allow a woman toil around with your feelings this way. She can't keep coming back and raising your hopes, then going away and asking....'if you still want to friends with her'. How painful is that? Doesnt she know how much she is hurting you? You should never allow a woman treat you this way. Jeez, if you had done something really bad to her, I would understand. This is her just taking the piss. Frankly speaking. She knows you love her and would do anything for her. So she treats you as she likes.....no matter how much you love her, you should never ever let a woman think that you would do EVERYTHING for her.
This is one of them. Do not allow her think she can walk into your life and walk out. I would advice you to look foward and not look back. You have suffered for too long. You joined loveshack all because of this girl. You have been hurting for so long. Please dont allow this take toll over you.
Let her go on dates with her EX. Dont be her friend. Dont put yourself in that friend zone....trust me. It will only make things worse.
In summary, you love this chic, thus you cannot be her friend. It hurt you so much when you heard she was going on a date with her EX. This just shows you simply can't be her friend. Therefore, if she does not want to get back with you, or better put, if she wants to keep stringing you along and coming back into your life, when ever she chooses, you need to move on FOR GOOD.
Once again, I am sorry for what you are going through. However, I cannot stress how much you should avoid her and not stay friends with her, if she refuses to get back with you. Heck, you don't need her as a friend. It will only hurt you when you hear she is dating other guys.
Hi Vivrantflo, I will try as much as possible to be as brief as I can.
First of all, apologies for what you are going through, the whole roller coaster ride. It must be very painful, drawing you back etc. Hope you manage to stay on top of it.
IMO, I honestly think you have done enough. I noticed two things you mentioned in your posts. Two things that you think 'sort of' justify what's going on now.
1- The fact that you initiated the break (please correct me if I am wrong)
2- The fact that you 'cheated' or slept with someone else whilst you were on a break.
To be honest, I can understand if she was mad at you for a few months because you suggested the break. However, in all honesty, if you were on a break, then you were not cheating on her per se.
I honestly think that the whole 'I can trust you' line is a bit off. I also think its a bit manipulative.
You have done all you can, she KNOWS you love her. She KNOWS how much you want to be with her. Its not like you 'cheated' whilst you were together. You simply wanted a break (I can understand why that would have upset her). Nevertheless, I think you should get rid of the thought that she is treating you this way because of what you did. Yes, I know you initiated the break, but you also made it extra clear you wanted her back etc.
I am female and I know one thing. If I love someone and want to be with the person, I would take the person back...at least after a while.
You have waited too long for her, you have apologised to her parents ( most of the people I know would not do that!), you have tried so many times to win her back, (the only crime you committed being that you slept with someone during a BREAK!!)Come on, what else is a man supposed to do?
I wonder if she contacted you maybe because she was lonely. I dont know. However, I think you should get this idea, that you deserve what you are getting out of your mind.
Never allow a woman toil around with your feelings this way. She can't keep coming back and raising your hopes, then going away and asking....'if you still want to friends with her'. How painful is that? Doesnt she know how much she is hurting you? You should never allow a woman treat you this way. Jeez, if you had done something really bad to her, I would understand. This is her just taking the piss. Frankly speaking. She knows you love her and would do anything for her. So she treats you as she likes.....no matter how much you love her, you should never ever let a woman think that you would do EVERYTHING for her.
This is one of them. Do not allow her think she can walk into your life and walk out. I would advice you to look foward and not look back. You have suffered for too long. You joined loveshack all because of this girl. You have been hurting for so long. Please dont allow this take toll over you.
Let her go on dates with her EX. Dont be her friend. Dont put yourself in that friend zone....trust me. It will only make things worse.
In summary, you love this chic, thus you cannot be her friend. It hurt you so much when you heard she was going on a date with her EX. This just shows you simply can't be her friend. Therefore, if she does not want to get back with you, or better put, if she wants to keep stringing you along and coming back into your life, when ever she chooses, you need to move on FOR GOOD.
Once again, I am sorry for what you are going through. However, I cannot stress how much you should avoid her and not stay friends with her, if she refuses to get back with you. Heck, you don't need her as a friend. It will only hurt you when you hear she is dating other guys.
Take care and keep posting.
This was one of the greatest replys over here that I've ever read. I agree with you completely, especially about that "Dont put yourself in that friend zone". I'm thankful that I've found this forum, because with the help of other people's support and stories I've matured mentally alot! Thanks
And I would like to add only this, Vivrantflo be strong! I know it can be really hard (If you care read my thread) but in long term, it pays back greatly.
Thank you everyone for your input and advice.. Special thanks to you Ninjaturtles..
As for an update, nothing too out of the ordinary has happend.
Since that time that her ex bought her tickets to the Jays game, I took quite a few steps back, and went NC. She called and texted a number of times, but I just ignored everything. Her birthday was on the 4th, and I just treated it as a Wednesday. She texts me on Saturday asking if she did anything wrong, and why im not talking to her. I responded by saying she did nothing wrong, im just busy. In that same conversation, I asked for the remainder of my possesions back cause I Wanted things over with.. after she got that text called me, and asked what I meant. I told her I have no interest in a friendship, im too jaded.. it's either all or nothing...
With that, she drove to my place and we talked. I told her that i have zero interest in being friends.. it just can't happen. So if she's not taking a dump, get off the damn pot.
She was crying, I was picking lint off my white tee...
Then she said she couldnt do the same thing either. (I didnt ask her to repeat herself, cause I really didnt know what she meant when she said that.. I really just tried to let her talk.)
Anyway, my nuts shrunk a little bit, and I told her that I loved her, and that my feelings havent changed.. she said she loves me too, but is still hurt from everything that happend a year and a half ago. I kept quiet, and noded. I told her, im not gonna sit here, and talk about how I've changed.. I got no time for that. But what happend was almost two years ago, and if I had a second chance, I'd be an outright horse's ass to screw it up again.
After some silence.. she changed the subject and asked if we could hang out today..I told her that im going to my buddies auto performance shop.. so im busy.. so she left.
30 mins later she texts me asking if she can come by on the weekend, and do a summer cleaning of my appartment!
????
I said that I have two working hands, and I can do that myself... then she proceeded to ask if I wanted to hang out later tonight.. and tomorrow.. and to see a movie on the weekend...
She knew my night was free, cause I'm on vacation from my night job. So I told her to come over.. we ordered a pizza, rented a flick and chilled out. All innocent..
I made it clear that im not interested in friendship, so im only assuming that she may be feeling me out again. Although she has not repeated that she wants me back again.. so im on guard...
That's where my story is right now.. I don't know what to make of it... it was kinda weird, but I think she is now seeing that Im ready to cut her out of my life if she's not planning to be in it romantically... so we'll see what happens..
This is the kind of confusion that (hopefully!) I have learned to stay away from. There's really enough going on in my life to keep me occupied over the next 4 years. I don't need confusion of this kind.
You've made it clear what you want from her. If I were in her shoes, I would stick around and "see" if I can get over your "cheating" (because like Ninjaturtles, I don't think you cheated on her).
Thing is... I'm learning that these second chances? Especially when there's betrayal involved, the only way to make that 2nd chance relationship work is if the offense has been completely forgiven and been completely moved past from. Utterly, completely, wholly. This realization... it's hard to swallow because if Lawrence and I were to try again at this point, then the second chance is going to fail because I still feel angry when I think about how things were between us during the break and afterwards.
I am really, really glad that you're firm about that all or nothing. You were honest and man... I can only imagine the pain you felt when you were telling her this. That defeated acceptance of "I'm almost done here. I love you, I'm in love with you and honey... I'm tired."
What is your girl doing, bro? I really wish I knew. I hope she's not deluding herself into thinking that she can get past the Past in her attempts to spend time with you. She's held on to how you've wronged her for this long... it's completely unrealistic for her to expect that she'll let go of it anytime soon.
It's almost as if there's no direction in her strategy... If her activities were "strategies" at all.
So last night, the ex and I went to the movies and watched "The Strangers" (wasnt too bad of a flick) We got all cuddly in the theatre and held hands back to my car. On the drive home, she brought up how she knows I want her back, but she feels she needs to be single for a while, cause the last BF messed her up a little.. and that she doesn't want to jump from guy to guy... which is understandible.
I told her I had zero interest in friendship if she's gonna date other guys..she said she won't, she needs to be happy being single first.. which is also true. She said she's not ready to be in a relationship, but she still loves me.
FF to this afternoon, I get a call from her.. and she's upset. I asked her what's wrong, and she didn't want to tell me at first, then she opened up. The ex BF phoned her up calling her names, and claiming that he never loved her, and these words upset her. I was silent... she proceeded to tell me that even before this phone call, she knew she didnt want to be with him again, but it did hurt her to hear that from someone she spent the last 1.5 years with.
I didn't bash him, but I apologized for the pain he put her through. Then she told me that she wished she never dated him. She wished that after we broke up, that she took 6 months or so to herself, and then gave me another chance.
She said that she feels awful, cause she knows I love her so much, and she hurt me for the last year and a half being with someone whom wasn't worth it. I stepped in, and didn't allow her to blame herself. She says she would love be with me again, but once she's emotionally healed, as she admitted to me that she's not 100% of this guy yet.
This guy apparently dropped off some useless belongings of her's on her doorstep while she was at work... toothpaste, shampoo etc.. And this dude lives an hour away from us.
She assures me that she wants nothing to do with him, and she's changing her cell number so he won't contact her anymore.
With all that, the stance im taking right now, is just playing it really, really cool. She needs time to get past all of this, and buy this guy acting like a jackass, my love for her is standing out even more.
I don't know people, my story has to potential to end well. But of course, with emotions and relationships, anything can happen. I just can't help but feel that things may be looking up..
I hope things turn out well for you. When what you wrote, it looks like it will be a matter of time before things can get good. You guys can turn over a new leaf and appreciate each other more!!
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It begs respect, though, to see that you've had feelings that she's going to pull back because of your cheatin' days. That's hard to really let go of.
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