Cheating, Flirting, and JealousyBeing unfaithful to your significant other or suspect them of the same? Can't stand the way they flirt? Jealous? Discuss your experiences here.
When you do tell him be prepared for a nuclear explosion. He will be livid. He will probably cry too after he finds out how long it's been going on. Do not down play or sugar coat it. Leaving out details will make you look even more like a liar. Let's face it, you've been lying to him for over 5 months now. His friend WILL throw you under the bus, you can bet a tank of gas on that. You think your relationship to this friend is something more than just an affair? You may be caught up in the emotion of it, but I assure you that this friend is only caught up in getting you under him. Do not think that that the other people who know have not told anyone else. People confide in other people. I guarantee you that your boyfriend is in the minority of people not knowing. I bet you a whole lot more people know than you suspect. This friend is no friend and unfortunately until you tell him, you are not being a friend to your boyfriend either.
Cant I do that? It is half the truth anyway. Telling him will be hurting both people that I care about, and neither would ever forgive me.
I have no one to turn to, my friends are his friends and obviously there not going to want to have anything to do with me(and rightly so)
I guess really im just scared of being alone, i've always had the security? of having a boyfriend. Before all this I would basically have panic attacks at the thought of him leaving me.
But I know that I can't be with him
So you think theres no chance at all with the friend?
Telling him will be hurting both people that I care about, and neither would ever forgive me.
I have no one to turn to, my friends are his friends and obviously there not going to want to have anything to do with me(and rightly so)
Sadly, if it does come out, these are consquences of cheating. EVERYONE gets hurt!
IF you tell him, sure he will be hurt as heck, but atleast he'll have some respect for you because YOU told him and he didn't find out through his "so-called" friend or someone else.
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I guess really im just scared of being alone, i've always had the security? of having a boyfriend. Before all this I would basically have panic attacks at the thought of him leaving me.
Maybe being alone would be a good thing for you. You seem to rely on men to make you feel happy and that is not a good thing. You lose who "you" are, the person you're meant to be. Hope that makes sense to you.
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But I know that I can't be with him
So you think theres no chance at all with the friend?
Is this what you want? To break up with your boyfriend and date his buddy?
So you think theres no chance at all with the friend?
As I've said before this will only make matters worse for the three of you. Do I think you have a chance with the friend? Sure. Do I think you two will be ostracized if you go that route? You betcha. Do I think this would crush your current boyfriend further? Yep.
Do your boyfriend a favor and stop being so selfish. Show some self-sacrifice and brave the unknown loneliness that you fear. Otherwise you will be choosing to build your happiness on someone else's misery. Besides, do you really think that you can hide this affair if you trade in boyfriends? People are not ****ing commodities meant to make you feel sense of belonging. They have feelings.
Cant I do that? It is half the truth anyway. Telling him will be hurting both people that I care about, and neither would ever forgive me.
I have no one to turn to, my friends are his friends and obviously there not going to want to have anything to do with me(and rightly so)
I guess really im just scared of being alone, i've always had the security? of having a boyfriend. Before all this I would basically have panic attacks at the thought of him leaving me.
But I know that I can't be with him
So you think theres no chance at all with the friend?
Sooo in a nutshell, im just really confused.
You can do whatever you want. What people are telling you is that, as bad as things are, a wrong move now could make a bad situation that much worse. You could just say it's over and walk, but at some point it's likely that the secret you've been hiding will come to light, and then your boyfriend is going to be crushed...and then angry. He will be crushed and angry even if you tell him -- that's not necessarily the point people are trying to make. I think what people are saying is that, if you really in your heart of heart value a relationship of any kind with your true boyfriend, and if you care about giving your boyfriend the truth so that he can make his own decisions about what is best for him and his own future, and that if you really want to take responsibility for your behavior...if you really care about all of this...you will choose the course of action which will ensure that this can happen, irrespective of how he reacts when you tell him. It's a risk you're taking, but let's face it: you've already been pretty brazen. A lot of people here think that telling the truth is the ethical choice in this situation. I think that's what some people are trying to tell you.
As for my own personal opinion? Well, the truth is you could just ditch him and bail -- you have that option. I suppose some could argue that the only truth your boyfriend has to know is that you're no longer interested in dating him. You could see it that way, and I for one might even be inclined to go along with that line of reasoning. But if you do that, you're still not telling him that he's got a backstabber for a "friend" (no doubt he'll find out soon enough, but it might be better if he finds out sooner rather than later).
You've got to decide for yourself.
__________________ Should have been dead on a Sunday morning bangin' my head, no time for mournin', ain't got no time -- My Own Prison, Creed
It's really sad you can't see this from out of the box. Things here are as clear as day.
Your "true" boyfriends friend is seeing you as pure free pu**y. Does that make you feel sad? Worthless? good. Look I can sympathize sometimes your with someone and after awhile your not in love as strong as you used to be. Someone comes along that once again makes you heart flutter and you cheat. This should be a sign to anyone that you shouldn't really be with your current partner and should immediately tell them and move on.
The problem is so many people will continue to cheat because your partner does treat you well, he/she is perhaps financially supporting you and if you broke up you realise you have no home, may lose friends etc. Well you know what it sucks it's hard but you can get through it, we have a goverment system in all western countries that can support you money wise for basic needs until you go and find a job or finish education. Theres also always your parents , suck it up and move back, you can also always make new friends eventually.
In your situation your boyfriend has a backstabbing friend at his side and he doesn't even know it. The fact your even considering being with him if you break up with your boyfriend is so insane. You are just scared of being out of love but you'll find someone more stable. Who knows his friend could of been banging other women other then yourself and I doubt much will stop him cheating if you and him did date after breaking up with current boyfriend.
I'm a guy I've had previous friends that pretty much love going after taken women like a sport and if they do end up in a relationship (afte breakups) with those girls the passion is gone they cheat again or break up. Don't set yourself up.
Heres how I suggest you end this. Sit him down somewhere cool and calm. Say to him what your about to say is not a joke. It's going to hurt but please hear everything I have to say. Explain the cheating but dont mention who it is. After you've explained how long it's been going on for and why you felt the need to stray explain for then say you feel it's extremely important he knows who this other man is.
Tell him its his friend(of course name him) and that "NO" he was not "led on" this has been a neutral betrayal from both you and he and don't think that his friend is an innocent party who just lacked will power, he wanted this.
Don't let your boyfriend forgive and still want to be with you. It wont be the same he's going to resent you from then on he will never trust you and the relationship will be a faux. Assure him your going to take some time to improve yourself and that he's not going to see you with his friend days later as a couple. He can say what he wants to other people but that you love him, your sorry and you except any consequences that will happen from here on (other then him abusing you).
Good Luck. You will of course do as you please, above is just an ideal situation at the very least I hope you tell him. Having a backstabbing snake friend like that would eat me up. It's already been a few yrs let him know now. Make a promise to yourself, tell him this week.
You do not have a future with his friend. Think about it, if his friend would have sex with his friend's girlfriend, what makes you think he won't cheat on you. How do you know that you are not just one of the flavors he chooses to try and then move on? You need to let them both go and work on you. Being alone can be unfavorable, but it helps build character. It makes you independent. Do not depend on anyone to make you happy. Only you can make you happy. Other people just add to it. After you have been by yourself and learned to love yourself you will gain confidence in yourself. If you don't like who you are then become someone you can love. However you need to let your boyfriend go free. Haven't you heard that saying, If you love someone let them go free, If they return they belong to you, if they don't...they never did
Everyone here is giving you really good advice. The way you choose to live your life is your decision. These choices reflect what you might believe is ideal for how-a-person-should-be. In other words, people behave in ways that they wish others would and this defines what kind of world they want to live in. You are given the ability to vote on such lofty things through your own actions. So far you have given consent to a world where friends and girlfriends betray good men. If you don't tell your boyfriend what is going on then you consent to a human race of liars and a world of lies. If you leave your boyfriend for his friend then you give consent to a world that rewards selfishness. If you tell your boyfriend and give up on your agenda then at least you consent to a world of accountability.
I tried some Plato to help you but it might not have worked so how about some Sartre?
1. A person can choose their path, their morality and their identity.
2. A person must choose. Inaction is not avoiding that choice but is rather a choice to continue the current situation.
3. What a person chooses for their self they choose for all of mankind. Much like an artist uses action to choose what an object of art should look like a person chooses, through action, what a person should be like.
All this means is that you are responsible for these choices and how they reflect upon the world and your fellow human beings. If you choose to proceed with the friend then you have accepted a world where it would be ok for a female friend of yours to sleep with him and take his love away from you. You would have to acknowledge this as a fine choice for a human being because you have already voted yes on it with your actions. Likewise he must now live in a world where it would be ok for a friend of his to come and take you away from him. Will the two of you do this to each other? I don't know. But if you have already consented to this world and could hardly be outraged as you have shown these to be valid actions and choices by taking them yourself.
What kind of world do you want to live in? What kind of people do you want to share it with? Be that person and make that world.
Last edited by couchmonkey; 27th May 2008 at 11:51 AM.
Ok, well we broke up last night. I just told him that I didn't want to do it anymore, didn't mention his friend. I find it really hard to stay broken up though, because he always tells me how much he wants to be with me, wants to marry me an stuff like that...I just kept telling myself last night that i've cheated on him, and he deserves someone so much better. So yeah. Just thought I would update everyone.
Ok, well we broke up last night. I just told him that I didn't want to do it anymore, didn't mention his friend. I find it really hard to stay broken up though, because he always tells me how much he wants to be with me, wants to marry me an stuff like that...I just kept telling myself last night that i've cheated on him, and he deserves someone so much better. So yeah. Just thought I would update everyone.
How did he take it?
Do you expect to remain in contact with him at all?
What about his friend? Are you going to try to hook up with him?
Ok, well we broke up last night. I just told him that I didn't want to do it anymore, didn't mention his friend. I find it really hard to stay broken up though, because he always tells me how much he wants to be with me, wants to marry me an stuff like that...I just kept telling myself last night that i've cheated on him, and he deserves someone so much better. So yeah. Just thought I would update everyone.
It's for the best, maybe not for you, but for him...Though he may not see that right now.
I hope you be alone for a while, take time to figure things out. Don't go running off to his friend and start up a relationship with him.
He was upset.. understandable.
Um I think it would be better to have no contact, because if we ever continue to talk we always end up getting back together. And I dont want that.
Umm I still talk, he rang me last night for a while. But yeah not really thinking about that atm
His friend is a scumbag and your actions is dictating your not far from it.
Why couldnt you tell him the complete truth. Imagine if his friend blurts out I'm shagging your recent ex and we was doin it when you was with her? then what?
Are you gonna lie? Are you gonna still try and be with his friend?
Why are you still doing things that's gonna make you look worse in the end?
The friend should be off limits. You said it yourself when people find out your gonna look very bad in their eyes. Why cant you find someone else?
__________________
This gun means you are the weak and I am the tyranny of evil men, but I'm trying, I'm trying real hard to be the sheppard...
His friend is a scumbag and your actions is dictating your not far from it.
Why couldnt you tell him the complete truth. Imagine if his friend blurts out I'm shagging your recent ex and we was doin it when you was with her? then what?
Are you gonna lie? Are you gonna still try and be with his friend?
Why are you still doing things that's gonna make you look worse in the end?
The friend should be off limits. You said it yourself when people find out your gonna look very bad in their eyes. Why cant you find someone else?
How would he possibly put that together? me breaking up with him and hes all of a sudden going to think I was sleeping with his friend? I dont think peoples minds work like that.
And you dont understand. His friend is NOT going to blurt that out, He still has to work with this guy you realise, and he still sees him on the weekends aswell.
I dunno, we both know that we shouldn't but yeah. we just do.
And I dunno if were gonna be together, as I said im not really thinking about it. I think its basically what both of us want though.
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