We have a teenage boy that is out of control in Washington State.
He is 17 1/2, going to part time alternative HS
Spends his days drinking beer, smoking pot, screwing his 16 year old GF (who dropped out of school) in the family residence. He lost his drivers license until he is 18 years old through a number of tickets and telling a police officer to F-off!
In the last week, he tried to steal his mom's car (he was caught by mom), police say that she can file a felony charge against him (she doesn't want that). I agree with that decision, she doens't want to file his first felony charge against him.
He was seen (fluantingly) driving around in his friend's car (again he has no license or insurance) a couple days later.
He refuses to get a job, insists that the house is "his" and that his mom legally has to take care of him for 6 more months. She tells him not to have people in her house (while she is at work), according to the police (she checked), as a resident of the household he can invite anyone in he so chooses. He occasionally brings alcohol and drugs into the household.
He has punched holes in the wall, threatened to make his 14 year old sister's life hell if his mom gets on his case.
So, she and her daughter seemed to be trapped in a living hell with her 17 1/2 year old son and unless he hits someone or causes more than $2,000 damage there is nothing she can do? He can bring whoever he wants into her house during the day, and she has to remain in the home in the evenings and at night to make sure he doesn't have people over.
So I have questions as to how can she kick her son out legally? Apparently she can't. I believe she is legally responsible for his actions if he causes harm out driving around without a license or some other stupid stunt. I believe she is also liable for anything that goes on her house.
The boy is going to be out on his ass this December, is there any way to speed the process up? Are there any measures she can take to protect herself financially or somehow force an emancipation.
She is currently trying to go through the "Youth at Risk" petition to the courts program, they have assigned some in-home counseling sessions, but can't really do anything through the courts because it will take 3-4 months to get to the judge.
We are looking for real options.
She gives him no money, no rides, stopped doing his laundry, took away his cell phone.. unfortunately the kid is doing fine mooching of his GF and her friends.
I have suggested maybe some sort of Military school, where I guess they could keep him until he is 18. Not sure how they keep him from just running away and coming home.. Plus that would cost 3-5K month I believe.. he would not go willingly.
Another plan we are looking at is moving her 14 year old daughter out of the home (to her grandparents), removing the internet, cable TV, and phone service from the home. Give him the bare minimum to subsist on without CPS getting her in trouble.. although he may try! She would have to maintain some presence in the household until he is 18, then he's out!
I've also thought that maybe she should rent her house to me, officially relocate somewhere an hour away.. the kid would probably run away rather than be relocated.. Then if he is a "run-away", would she still be laible for his actions?
The kid's dad is a convicted felon, meth addict and is currently in jail.
The kid is now threatening his mom that he will attack me (kick my arse!) if I come around his mom's house.. he's a pretty big kid 6'2, 175, but I'm 37, 6'2, 210 and pretty sure I could take him.. but? He'd probably just call CPS and I'd go to jail if I ever tangoed with him. Likewise, I'd hate to be the one he decided "ruined his life", I want to have a long term relationship with his mother and someday perhaps the kid might come around. So, I have not had a confrontation with him yet and hope to avoid one.
This kid is going nowhere, his mom and I are both college educated homeowners, her daughter is a nice studious girl.. the son is just a nightmare. We have been dating 7 months and plan to get married as soon as her son is no longer a legal liability and can be ejected from the nest. She can then sell her home and move with her daughter into mine (with my two grade school kids as well).
Have to add that this kid is a "nightmare"! I don't know how to emphasise how bad he phsycologically torments his mom and sister, hasn't hit his mom.. but the way he screams and gets in her face. Flat out telling her that "he, is the man of the house and can do what he wants". Calls her over and over during the day incessantly trying to wear her down asking for money or just saying nasty things (she doesn't answer much anymore).. Last time he just called to thank his mom for not making him a lunch for school (which she stopped doing) and told her to "go to hell mom".
My brother was a problem child, on ADD and such, told my parents to F-off, punched a hole or two in the walls.... I thought he was bad, this kid is 10X worse.
I feel so bad for my GF.. What can you do? Just sit through 7 months of hell? let him mow someone over in his friend's car and get sued for everything? I can't believe kids can do this stuff and get away with it!
Sounds like a tough situation for sure. Has anyone tried to sit down with him alone and ask him what is bothering him? Or has anyone tried to get him to go to some sort of counseling? It sounds like he may not have had the best childhood and might be acting out? I would try getting him help-therapy, counseling, etc. to help him figure out why he is acting the way he is.
Good luck and hang in there.
If all efforts to help him fail, I would move the younger daughter out of the house and let him live with the basic needs-food, clothing, shelter until he is 18.
ETA: Where I live, he would be considered an unruly teenager and would be in juvenile.
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Are you legally entitled to change the locks? If not, what about getting him sectioned or charged for affray - if you and the mother say you fear for your physical safety and that of the daughter, it may be possible. Get some video footage of his worst behaviour to back yourselves up.
Basically you should take some legal advice to check your options. If you have none, consider renting a room to a very large, tough man - given him cheap or free rent in exchange for keeping the kid "under control".
I like the Military school idea. There are lots of schools for Defiant kids and they know how to deal with the running away etc. I think it would definitely be worth the money - at least check it out.
If nothing is done - I would wonder about your future with this woman. This "problem" is not going to magically disappear at the age of 18.
As much as your gf does not want to file charges against him- I don't see much of an alternative. I would do so just out of fear that the lil prick might hurt his sister. If that seems to be the only legal way to have him removed- I wouldn't see that as being mean to do so..I'd see it as being a responsible parent!
If filing charges against him would see him incarcerated... it seems like a solution. Not only will he be unable to drink and smoke pot... but he'll be out of the house, out of your hair... and unable to drink and drive. Sometimes being responsible to your child means taking the hard line with them. By not filing charges- you gf could be inadvertently enabling him to continue with this bad behaviour...and he may possibly hurt someone. Imagine the guilt and remorse that would ensue if something really bad happens.
The accounts of his behaviour shows he is escalating. That means he's going to get worse. If someone doesn't step in and take control when they have the means to do so- it's not helping him or the situation.
It would be very hard for a mother to file a felony charge against her son. I don't blame her for not wanting to do it- but I think it is something that needs to be done.
It seems like a betrayal- but I see it as being a rescue. The alternative being living in fear- hoping he won't escalate to the point of hurting himself or others?
He's young, he has very little idea about mortality and consequences. Not filing against him is setting the precedence that he has more room to push boundaries... and believe me- he will push it further.
I'd have a serious talk with your gf about pressing charges. She shouldn't be living in fear in her own home... And her daughter has a right to be protected as well.... not shuffled about and uprooted in order to accomodate his bad behaviour. What he is being taught right now via others being leanient is that he is very large and in charge.
I've thought about the felony charge as well... but by doing that, the kid will have a permanent criminal record.. that screws his chances for getting a normal job/life.. So far he hasn't had any sticking run-ins with the law. Plus he will focus on mom and/or me as the people who ruined his life!
May just have to move the daughter and her out of the house, turn off the phone, cable, internet.. provide him with the bare necessities until he is 18. Hope he doesn't detroy the place.
His mom scheduled a meeting with a DHSS counselor tonight.. the kid didn't show.
I like the Military school idea. There are lots of schools for Defiant kids and they know how to deal with the running away etc. I think it would definitely be worth the money - at least check it out.
If nothing is done - I would wonder about your future with this woman. This "problem" is not going to magically disappear at the age of 18.
This gal and I have a real connection.. if we didn't I would be staying away with a 10 ft pole. It is hard to predict how this will affect our relationship in the future though. Hopefully it is something we can get past.
This gal and I have a real connection.. if we didn't I would be staying away with a 10 ft pole. It is hard to predict how this will affect our relationship in the future though. Hopefully it is something we can get past.
Well, I'd say you are a trooper and a good guy!
I suspect that with the path he is on that he will find his own way to the criminal court system... most likely sooner rather than later.
I just hope it doesn't come in the form of a drunk driving accident or assault charge- from your description of him, those are very real possibilities given the nature of escalation.
Not wanting to have him blame you for filing charges is understandable. It would be hard to be a mother and make that kind of choice. I just cringe at the alternative... which is having your gf live in fear of her own son in her own home.
It's a shame really- that such a punk is forcing people to shuffle about and accomodate him because he has more rights in his own home then his mother and sister.
Just the fact that he didn't show up to the appointment is indicative of how how little he cares about others. I doubt he would think twice about stealing the car again.
Maybe your gf will eventually take the next step and file charges if keeps escalating as he does. Has she threatened him with the charge in order to gain some semblence of control over his actions?
First off in your current relationship you should remember that this child is the fruit of someones labor. He'll eventually need counseling, and may never be right again. He's obviously sure that violence and intimidation will get him his way. Maybe it's time to shatter that particular illusion with a little confrontation. Call his bluff, so to speak.
I wouldn't be so scared to get a little rough and tough with him. Take him down if he gets violent. You certainly don't have to beat him up, but restraining him will be well tolerated I think. Self-defense should allow for that. He'll find the local authorities less than sympathetic I'm sure. I'm guessing his resources won't quite cover getting a lawyer for civil action. Call in the police on the drugs or the unlicenced driving and let him sit in jail for that. A first offense should be a misdemeanor, and I'm guessing the judge will work with you to set the bail high enough that his girlfriend won't bail him out.
You'll need to break him down and build him back up, but I won't lie. Chances this late in the game are slim.
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The beauty of the soul shines out when a man bears with composure one heavy mischance after another, not because he does not feel them, but because he is a man of high and heroic temper.
- Aristotle
I agree with Kenyth. You cannot go soft with him anymore. Try to do it the hard way, or punish him the legal way (that is to use law). But one thing I don't agree with Kenyth is that it is never too late to change a person. Human are born neutral. Try to understand his thoughts or get a counsellor to do so. It is would be a better idea to change him than to abandon him, because one day in the future, he will return to his mother or worse still together with her son's dad, and that will be where the problem start to hit you. He's her son afterall.
No, it's never too late for a person to change, but you can't change a person. After a certain point in a childs life, the parent can no longer help. The only two factors are the hard lessons of reality, and the individual's willingness to change. If the kids personality is being presented accurately, he may get a lot worse before he gets better. IF he gets better.
It could be that it's just an independance stage, and it will all subside after he moves out. Maybe there's more to the other side of the story. Who knows? I'm thinking the boy has a lot of anger that needs working out from father figure problems. Maybe there was abuse or neglect in his past. He learned his behavior from somewhere early in life.
Whatever happened to being able to file charges against you kid and send them to juvie? I know boot camp costs money that the mother might not have at hand, but I know you use to be able to get an unruly kid out of your home in the past. Did that change?
My mother use to beat the snot out of me well over the standard of simple physical discipline. My school called services on her when I showed up with a black eye. Nothing much came from it. The neighbors called the cops on another occasion when I fled the house after a much worse beating (welts up and down me, busted lip and a knot the size of an egg on my temple). They showed up, listened to my mother rant about a popcicle wrapper and soda can on the coffee table, nodded their approval and left. She is 5 inches taller and was almost 100lbs heavier than me. I can't imagine them showing up to this mother's house after an altercation gets called in and being very sympathetic towards a 17 year old the size you describe. If he is being threatening and they do nothing about it, they stand to get sued if it escalates to violence.
Has she tried speaking with Social Services herself? I know you won't get much out of cops by simply talking to them. Its all theory to them until the situation is happening. And what he learns by talking to authorities on his own is information they give based on his likely biased tale and isn't in fact what would actually happen. Stop being scared of this brat.
He is under age; I'm guessing most of his friends are too. If they are in the home while she is at work, then they are not in school. Report them truant, son too. If you see him driving in someone else's car, report it along with the plate number. If you see him with alcohol or drugs, take it from him and call the cops if he tries to get loud and aggressive about it. You'll have the drugs/alcohol to back up your story.
Yeah, I was thinking the same way you did..however theory and real-life appear to be vastly different. She has talked to the cops, tried to have a state counselor come in and talk with them (boy didn't show)... everything I am hearing is that unless the kid actually becomes physically violent with his mom (or sister) or causes more than $2K damage to the house, there is pretty much nothing she can do. She is on the hook to take care of him until he reached 18.
I even talked to my divorce attorney (I have a good relationship with him ), he said there is not much we could do, but wait him out.
It is a real sorry reflection on our society, where a 17 year old can wield this much power (and he knows it!). I would love to kick his snotty arse, but seriously, it isn't worth getting into a physical altercation with a minor. I have a good job and nice life and really don't need to deal with physical child abuse charges against me... even if they eventually got dropped, I don't need the hassle.
Fortunatly most kids aren't quite the caliber monster this kid is. It sucks, that a kid can call his mom a biatch to her face and say "You have a legal responsibility to take care of me until I am 18!" - That's why I think she should move her daughter out, cancel the TV/internet/phone service... heck even disable the hot water..
We looked into checking him in for rehabilitation, thing is those are all voluntary. Military camps cost 3-5K+ month.. so we have 6-7 months at $21-$35K??
Whatever happened to being able to file charges against you kid and send them to juvie? I know boot camp costs money that the mother might not have at hand, but I know you use to be able to get an unruly kid out of your home in the past. Did that change?
My mother use to beat the snot out of me well over the standard of simple physical discipline. My school called services on her when I showed up with a black eye. Nothing much came from it.
We live in liberal Seattle, I don't know how old you are or how long ago your mom was wacking you around.. heck even back in the late 80's my brother (16 at the time) was threatening to call CPS on my parents.
I think the system is broken... She did look into petitioning the courts for an at-risk youth... You can present your case to a judge who will take in all the evidence and sentence the kid to community service progressing towards detention, but since he was 17.5 years old and it takes 3-4 months to see the judge, they said it was not a valid option.
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Second note
), he said there is not much we could do, but wait him out.
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