I met my gf 7 years ago in highschool. We've been dating for 4+ years years and things have been great. Words can't describe the "soulmate" feel we have. Her parents love me, my parents love her. We planned a wedding date- June 20th of next year. We were supposed to go look at rings this weekend. Things were great, couldn't be better. We've been there for each other throughout all of life's problems. This is the definition of true love in my opinion. So anyway that's the history.
So on Tuesday (5/6) I took her for a casual dinner to celebrate her passing a certification test for job. Dinner was great, we joked, laughed, everything was excellent. We also talked about us going to look @ rings this weekend and how much planning we'd have to do for the wedding. So we get in the car and on the way for me to drop her off @ her house she says "I'm not trying to be mean but I need my space". Clearly out of know where. Now I'm not dumb, I know that people ususally drop signs when they are withdrawing but there were no signs there. How can it be that over dinner she's all like she can't wait to get married and 10 minutes later she says she needs space. WOW, girls are so confusing. So dumbfounded I say, "I don't get it"... She then explains that she just wants to be sure that she's making the right decision in getting married. My 1st impression is that the wedding talk gave her cold feet but SHE'S the one who initiated it. It was either that or the alcohol was talking through her... So the rest of the ride home things were silent. When I got home after dropping her off I called her to try and talk but she just kept repeating the same thing. She was like, "I just don't know anymore, I think we need time apart to see if we come back together." I think it's rather retarded to give up something you have just to see if it comes back. I thought that our love was already past the "testing" stage. We've been thru so much that I figured things were in the bag, I figured we'd be together forever.
So last night (day 2 of the breakup) she contacts me thru IM and just starts talking to me like things are normal. So that's just even more confusing for me. So we talked just like regular and I asked her if she wanted to go to the beach on Friday. Her response was "how would going to the beach with you give me space". Whoa! Pretty harsh. I wouldn't have asked her that question if she called me sounding aggitated or if she called still talking about needing space but since she called sounding like things were regular I assumed they were back to normal. Being that she hadn't called me in the morning or during her lunch break like she usually does I guess I should have taken that as a clue. But anyway I told her, "look, I'll give you time, I'll give you two weeks". (the two week thing is an inside thing. If one of us does somthing that the other doesn't like we give each other two weeks to fix it). So I tell her that and her response is "two weeks, I need more time than that!" Now here's the shocker... Right after she said she needs more time she says that any girl that ends up with me will be lucky and that she doesn't deserve me. Crazy huh? Now it seems like she's done for good. So I ask her if she planned on talking to another guy and she said no but she's not opposed to it just because she needs her space. Again, I'm no dummy and it seems like maybe there's another guy that she may be interested in. So now I'm totally lost. All this out of nowhere. I can understand the doubts about getting married, I mean, who wants to be unsure about a lifetime commitment, but talking about dating others is just CRAZY. I couldn't imagine looking @ another girl the way I look @ her. It's incomprehensible right now. But I guess it's not the same way for her. It's like a totally different person. So to end the conversation, I said "you have two weeks, don't call me, don't come see me, no contact @ all until you get your mind in order & if I dont hear from you by May 21st I know that you've moved on and that I need to do the same." She went on to say that no matter what happens she wants us to always remain friends. That just CAN'T work for me.
These past 2 days have been real hard for me. I'm so lost. I've been saving like crazy for her ring, for our honeymoon, for LIFE! and now there's a 50/50 chance it will even happen. I guess I invested too much of myself in this and now it's coming to bite me in the form of the pain I feel but after 4 years what else can be expected? If I went into this relationship with one foot in and one foot out then while I wouln't be hurting so bad right now, it just wouldn't have been the right thing to do. This girl is my everything, I love her to death and I thought she felt the same. But if she's saying that she's open to dating another person then I know she doesn't really love me. Man, this is tough.
I know some may say I'm dumb for not seeing the signs but honestly, I saw nothing coming. There was no indication @ all. Like I said it was a complete 180 degree change 10 minutes after dinner. lol, yes, I opened her car door for her like I usually do so that's not the issue either.
Right now I'm taking it one minute at a time. My hope is after two weeks she realizes that she can't live without me and comes back but I don't know how realistic that is. I asked her if she just wanted to forget the marriage stuff for now but she just continued to say that she needed space.
So that's my story. Any advice regarding NO CONTACT, fear of marriage on her part, success stories or anything else would be appreciated.
Thanks for taking the time to hear me out!
You didn't see it coming. People rarely do. It would seem like a switch going off, but that is never the case. The dumper goes through a long drawn out process of falling out of love and letting go. By the time you get the time/space line they have nearly completed that process. You are seeing the end of it for them, and the beginning of it for yourself.
How do they hide it so well and why? Because they are letting go at their own pace. They aren't ready to just drop you, so they wean themselves off of you day by day by day until they reach a point where not even nostalgia or guilt can keep them holding on. So, they drop the time/space line on you - the beginning of your breakup. Usually by this point, the dumper still has some residual feelings left and want to be assured that they can come back if they need to - so, you get the 'friends' line in addition to the 'time/space' line.
If you give them space, 'friends' can be a long drawn out process as well. Why? Because they want space, which you are giving them and they don't want to give you up entirely - and they get that too. Its what they want, so they keep it going.
If you don't give them space, all bets are off - they will continuously and quickly let those residual feelings drop to nothing and they will become cold and distant.
The worst part of it is that 99 times out of a 100 "I need time/space" means "I have feelings for someone else and need time and space away from you to explore those feelings". It almost always leads to a final breakup as well.
She may or may not come back, and even if she does be aware that she'll be coming back to you on half a tank as opposed to the full one you had when you first got together.
__________________ No man chooses evil because it is evil; he only mistakes it for happiness, the good he seeks. --Mary Wollstonecraft
Oh sh**, dude. That is friggin harsh. I know exactly what you're going through, and I'm afraid I have some bad news.
Quote:
and now there's a 50/50 chance it will even happen.
You have zero chance. Her love for you is obviously gone. It hit you out of nowhere. I've been there. That's exactly what my ex did to me.
I can't offer much advice to you, but I can empathize. I am in your shoes right now, wondering how she changed her mind like that. Probably met some other guy(s) and wanted to be single again. The thought of a heavy commitment weighing heavily on her.. and making freedom that much more desirable.
It isn't all down to her age, although it's probably part of it. My ex was 40 and pulled this crap on me. Same exact way.. "needing space" and all that.
I'm sorry about what happened, I truly am. I can only hope that you have a quick recovery.
__________________ "How could this love, ever turning, never turn it's eye on me.
How could this love, ever changing, never change the way I feel."
if she wants space give it to her. sure it will be extremely hard.go totally nc. why torture yourself? involve yourself in outside projects,keep busy(avoid the booze),act like you fell of the planet.
Thanks for all the responses. I'm trying to go totally NC but it's SUPER hard! I feel like going over to her house and shaking her out of it. This girl is like family to me, it's so crazy how things have turned out these past 2 days. Feels like I'm in a dream. Feels like I'm missing a limb. THIS IS CRAZY!!!
I know that it seems pretty much hopeless for me but I'm hoping things turn around for the better. I'll update with any new info.
Wow! Same thing, different person..My girlfriend and i were together for 8 years and she had started saying that "We need a little time apart".."Space", etc.etc..At first i did not quite get what she wanted to say or why she needed space because it was the same girl who missed me like crazy even if i did not meet her for one day!
Then, subsequently i came to know that there was another guy involved..And she said - "I cannot keep you hanging Bobby, i have feelings for him.." That was it for me, i tried to make her understand but she just wouldn't and backed off, for good..
You wouldn't want to be with someone who does not love/ care for you anymore. Its a two way process, you give and take. A healthy relationship needs support from both the partners. If one just backs/ bails out, another one cannot support it single-handedly.
She said all the "being friends" thing but i politely rejected. We have been NC for a month now, and i feel way better than i felt when she broke up with me. Its her decision, if she wants to go, just let her go man..I mean, even if we beg/plead and stop them from going, then that wouldn't be healthy..After a few days, she will again want to go, trust me..
I wanted to get married to her next month (June), thought 8 years of being together was enough for both of us to be sure. Now, it seems though it was enough for me, but it wasn't for her..She also said couple of horrible things over the phone just at the time of break-up but that's better left unsaid.
Bottom line is, i seriously feel there is some other guy involved and if she wants 'space' and all, give her that. Coz if someone has fallen out of love, there is NOTHING we CAN do to bring back that feeling man, believe me on this...I have been through that pain (and still going through it)...
You didn't see it coming. People rarely do. It would seem like a switch going off, but that is never the case. The dumper goes through a long drawn out process of falling out of love and letting go. By the time you get the time/space line they have nearly completed that process. You are seeing the end of it for them, and the beginning of it for yourself.
How do they hide it so well and why? Because they are letting go at their own pace. They aren't ready to just drop you, so they wean themselves off of you day by day by day until they reach a point where not even nostalgia or guilt can keep them holding on. So, they drop the time/space line on you - the beginning of your breakup. Usually by this point, the dumper still has some residual feelings left and want to be assured that they can come back if they need to - so, you get the 'friends' line in addition to the 'time/space' line.
If you give them space, 'friends' can be a long drawn out process as well. Why? Because they want space, which you are giving them and they don't want to give you up entirely - and they get that too. Its what they want, so they keep it going.
If you don't give them space, all bets are off - they will continuously and quickly let those residual feelings drop to nothing and they will become cold and distant.
The worst part of it is that 99 times out of a 100 "I need time/space" means "I have feelings for someone else and need time and space away from you to explore those feelings". It almost always leads to a final breakup as well.
She may or may not come back, and even if she does be aware that she'll be coming back to you on half a tank as opposed to the full one you had when you first got together.
she says that any girl that ends up with me will be lucky and that she doesn't deserve me. Crazy huh?
You don't need space from someone you love. This statement says that she has found another guy interesting and she intends to explore it and see what happens. She seems determined to go down this path. All you can do is stick with NC and keep yourself busy. Lean on friends and don't go begging her to love you. In the end she probably is right, she doesn't deserve you.
Dang. This brings back memories to my very first love. We were basically in the same situation; talking about marriage, buying a ring, and for me trying for babies. One day, she basically pulled the same thing to me, the "i need space talk." I hoped that's all she needed was space, but I guess it wasn't so when 3 weeks later I hear she got pregnant with some dudes kid. That was pretty much over, as you can tell.
My point is, who knows why she did what she did. She did it. There was nothing you could say or could have done. LB hit everything on the nose. You need to move on with your life; connect with friends, renew personal passions, and concentrate on what makes you and make it a better you. You will get over this, and obviously we are all here to help. The more you keep yourself occupied, and the less you think of her the better. Avoid the things that'll remind you of her (and NOT EVERYTHING reminds you of her), and start to explore new things. I personally suggest to stay away from alcohol, because it NEVER done anything for me; it just made me more confused and sad. We are here for you buddy. What you're feeling is natural, and a good share of us has gone through it.
Wow, thanks for all of the support! You guys/ girls have no clue what it means to me. It's 4am where I am and I've been tossing and turning for the past 2 hours. In those two hours I've come to realize that if she's not going through the same pain I'm going through then it truly is over. There's no way she can truly love me and not feel like this. I would never wish this pain on anyone.
Though I have so many unanswered questions there is still one that bothers me the most. If she has been slowly weaning herself out of this relationship, why would she have been showing me wedding books and be talking about our wedding at dinner? Where is the sense in that? There was definitely no pressure from me and she was always the one to start the marriage discussions. Anyone care to help me understand that?
Finally, as you all know Mother's Day is on Sunday and I planned on getting her mom a card and calling to wish her a Happy Mother's Day. Would this somehow violate the NC as I'm sure she'll find out about it.
Thanks
why would she have been showing me wedding books and be talking about our wedding at dinner?
I don't think she was trying to convince you so much as she was trying to convince herself. Dumpers often think that if they try hard enough they might get those feelings back and they'll be talking as if they will be with you for the next thousand years. The next day? They know they can't convince themselves and they give up and say 'I need space'. They just can't handle the guilt, the 'faking it' - the hardest thing to look at when you are falling out of love are the eyes of your partner who you know is still very much in love.
I don't think she was trying to convince you so much as she was trying to convince herself. Dumpers often think that if they try hard enough they might get those feelings back and they'll be talking as if they will be with you for the next thousand years. The next day? They know they can't convince themselves and they give up and say 'I need space'. They just can't handle the guilt, the 'faking it' - the hardest thing to look at when you are falling out of love are the eyes of your partner who you know is still very much in love.
Ahh ok, makes sense. Well, I'm still hopelessly in love and praying for the best but am trying to keep occupied. Thanks for your response
I don't think she was trying to convince you so much as she was trying to convince herself. Dumpers often think that if they try hard enough they might get those feelings back and they'll be talking as if they will be with you for the next thousand years. The next day? They know they can't convince themselves and they give up and say 'I need space'. They just can't handle the guilt, the 'faking it' - the hardest thing to look at when you are falling out of love are the eyes of your partner who you know is still very much in love.
Wow! Makes soooooo much sense..Thanks, thanks a lot!!
Man, this is tough! I've picked up the phone twice to call her because I want to know if she feels the same pain that I do. The only thing stopping me is the thought of her saying "yes but I still need time". I've been trying to stay active but it's rough. Any thoughts about my Mothers Day question that I posed earlier?
Thanks
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
Linear Mode
