I'm looking for some perspective. My wife left me last week. I feel hurt, confused and angry. I tried to change and be the man I know she needed but it was too late for her. After 2 years of dealing with us living like roommates and my attention on the computer, she's decided that she has to do this separation. She's decided that she doesn't love me anymore.
When I found out, it was a real eye opener. I immediately looked at my behavior and saw the problems with what I was doing. I was like a zombie with my computer games. I was addicted and I know my behavior was exactly the same as anyone else with an addiction. I didn't accept that I had a problem, I tried to justify it.
I've changed in the past three weeks. I've realized alot about how I've taken my wife for granted. She's noticed as well, stating the immediate changes once I realized what was at stake.
However, the damage is done. 2 years of that and I don't blame her. The question is, how can I prove that I've changed and that I want to be the man she deserves.
The problem is she's changed and her feelings have changed.
I've been handling this whole situation like I should be. Focusing on myself, doing what I can to show her I love her, letting go. I love and miss her and she's going about her life like I don't exist.
There's been signs that I have ignored for so long. She would ignore me when I was around. We haven't really kissed in like 6-9 months. Looking back I now realize what a complete idiot I am for not seeing this sooner. Hindsight is 20/20 no doubt.
Anyways, I was ok and was doing exactly what I needed to do before she moved out. I was helpful and communicative. She commented on how well we communicated. Better than we have in a year or so.
I know you can't fix everything overnight, but now that she's gone in her new place. I hurt all the time and miss her. Where do I find the strength to keep with the change I started when she was still here, even though I knew she was leaving?
I'm holding on to love, because this is just a separation, but every time we see each other it tears me apart. I am completely reasonable and calm in her presence, but when I watch her drive off I lose my composure.
I've been working out, thinking, talking with friends and her family. They tell me to be strong, focus on my future, give it time, etc. They are sad and tell me that they think she is making a mistake. I don't know how to react, other than to tell them I appreciate their sympathy?
I realize this is my fault. I have alot of guilt for ignoring my wife and taking her for granted. Now that she's gone, I'm scared its for good. I love her and want to be the man I know she deserves.
Any suggestions? Tips on doing the right thing in this confusing and emotionally draining time. It's hard fighting the loneliness.
I am done with the games. I realized that I was going to be alone if that continued and threw them all out. I really did some self reflection after I got the news she was leaving. Talk about a slap in the face.
There's not another man, but I know there are men who have expressed interest in her at work. She's told me that this separation is so she can sort our her feelings and have time on her own. I have no reason to doubt that is her genuine intent in this separation.
I should add that we also have a 23 month old daughter. My daughter is both of our worlds. She's confided that the only real reason why she stuck with me so long is for our daughter's sake. That was painful to hear.
She's a very good mom and she's staying local so that me and my daughter can still have time together. It would be easy for her to go to her parents, which I suggested. I'm not too keen on her having an apartment in the town we live in. It's not exactly the nicest place ever where she lives. I worry about her.
A big thing with her is that she's been with me since she turned 18. She never dated other men. She never had her independence. She's 25 now and I think she's wondering what she missed out on. Not so much men, but just experiences. Being on her own, hanging out with friends, being wild etc.
Last edited by TrustInYourself; 30th April 2008 at 1:02 AM.
You did make a mistake, but now it seems you are taking responsibility for your neglect. I think she owes it to you to give you a second chance.
Did she tell you how damaging the games were over the past two years? Take a hard and honest look to reflect if she did. Did she come to you and make it very clear that these games were destroying the marriage?
Some may disagree, but I believe your spouse had the responsbility to make you understand it was wrong and you were hurting her a long time ago.
How did she come to the decision she was leaving? Did she just walk out? Or did she give you a last chance, and you just ignored it. If you ignored the last chance she gave you, then you might have some problems.
I am a firm believer of exhausting every effort before accepting divorce.
She's 25 now and I think she's wondering what she missed out on. Not so much men, but just experiences. Being on her own, hanging out with friends, being wild etc.
Did she tell you this? Or did you conclude this on your own?
Another thing I am a big advocate of is her telling you exactly the reason she left. She might not even be aware of the exact reason yet. She might still be formulating the why part.
Anyhow, get the exact reason why, in the form of a sentence or two. Once you have that exact sentence, repeat it back to her to make sure you are 100% certain. Verify the reason, then see if it make sense or if there is a viable solution.
She's mentioned this to me in the past while I was in my zombie mode. She's only been with me physically and emotionally. I think she feels like there is more out there for her.
Her exact reason for leaving was, "People change, I don't love you anymore."
I got that after I took a trip to Las Vegas with one of my buddies who got out of the military a few years back. She was cool with the trip for a month prior. Little did I know she was considering our relationship and if she was happy.
Her conclusion was she was happier with me gone. She never called me once when I was gone to Vegas.
I believe in God, but I've never been passionate about religion. Lately, I've found comfort in knowing he's there. I've caught myself talking to God and I can't help but feel stronger. The pain doesn't go away, but I feel like I can manage a bit more. It feels strange, since I turned my back on my spirituality a long time ago. Not sure I am ready to jump in full bore though.
I appreciate the feedback. I'm not ready to get all religious. I have problems with some of the basic tenents of organized religion. I'm happy where I am right now with God, even if it's limited. The last thing I need right now is to be preached at.
I've been focusing on the future without my wife. The last couple of days we've been ironing out the details of our separation. It's been rough and she's gotten emotional at times. I'm doing my best to just give her space and stay rational. I lost it last week when she came over, punched some holes in the wall, screamed, and went insane due to grief and missing her and my daughter. The thoughts about our family being destroyed just made me lose it. I'm trying to stay in control and just do what's right.
I find that the steps I'm taking to make this separation happen is helping to soothe my anger and desperation. I'm just doing what it takes to make her happy and give us both space and I'm finding peace by going along with her wishes.
I'll keep you guys posted. We are headed to the bank today to close our accounts and get separate accounts.
I appreciate the feedback. I'm not ready to get all religious. I have problems with some of the basic tenents of organized religion. I'm happy where I am right now with God, even if it's limited. The last thing I need right now is to be preached at.
You don't have to "get all religious" or be preached at to be more spiritual and find a connection between you and God. I have two books to recommend:
1. How Then, Shall We Live?: Four Simple Questions That Reveal the Beauty and Meaning of Our Lives
2. Sabbath: Finding Rest, Renewal, and Delight in Our Busy Lives
They are both easily acquired from Amazon.com.
I'm glad the two of you are going to the bank together. My H opened his own account and drained our joint account in the process, essentially stealing a thousand dollars from me.
__________________
"It's never too late to be who you might have been."
-- George Eliot
Ouch. We both have alot of savings in the thousands. At one point I looked at those funds and thought that I deserved them since she was the one making the decision to bounce. After some reflection and time, I've realized that I don't want to be an *******. Besides, that's money my daughter is going to see as well. I'm not that petty I guess. Which is good, I think, lol.
I'm looking for some perspective. My wife left me last week. I feel hurt, confused and angry. I tried to change and be the man I know she needed but it was too late for her. After 2 years of dealing with us living like roommates and my attention on the computer, she's decided that she has to do this separation. She's decided that she doesn't love me anymore.
When I found out, it was a real eye opener. I immediately looked at my behavior and saw the problems with what I was doing. I was like a zombie with my computer games. I was addicted and I know my behavior was exactly the same as anyone else with an addiction. I didn't accept that I had a problem, I tried to justify it.
I've changed in the past three weeks. I've realized alot about how I've taken my wife for granted. She's noticed as well, stating the immediate changes once I realized what was at stake.
However, the damage is done. 2 years of that and I don't blame her. The question is, how can I prove that I've changed and that I want to be the man she deserves.
The problem is she's changed and her feelings have changed.
I've been handling this whole situation like I should be. Focusing on myself, doing what I can to show her I love her, letting go. I love and miss her and she's going about her life like I don't exist.
There's been signs that I have ignored for so long. She would ignore me when I was around. We haven't really kissed in like 6-9 months. Looking back I now realize what a complete idiot I am for not seeing this sooner. Hindsight is 20/20 no doubt.
Anyways, I was ok and was doing exactly what I needed to do before she moved out. I was helpful and communicative. She commented on how well we communicated. Better than we have in a year or so.
I know you can't fix everything overnight, but now that she's gone in her new place. I hurt all the time and miss her. Where do I find the strength to keep with the change I started when she was still here, even though I knew she was leaving?
I'm holding on to love, because this is just a separation, but every time we see each other it tears me apart. I am completely reasonable and calm in her presence, but when I watch her drive off I lose my composure.
I've been working out, thinking, talking with friends and her family. They tell me to be strong, focus on my future, give it time, etc. They are sad and tell me that they think she is making a mistake. I don't know how to react, other than to tell them I appreciate their sympathy?
I realize this is my fault. I have alot of guilt for ignoring my wife and taking her for granted. Now that she's gone, I'm scared its for good. I love her and want to be the man I know she deserves.
Any suggestions? Tips on doing the right thing in this confusing and emotionally draining time. It's hard fighting the loneliness.
This is an EASY one.
World of Warcrack, eh? First off, ditch the games if you can't handle both in your life.(Or ditch the marriage) They are not an easliy juggling act when used together. (I had 4 level 70's on various servers. :P)
Want her to come back to you emotionally? (Physical comes later after emotional is healed...)
1) LISTEN and AGREE to EVERYTHING she says. She says, "I don't think I love you anymore." I would say, "I can understand and think you are right. I was a lousy husband and am sorry." She says, "I think I want a divorce.". I would say, "I think you may be right. A divorce might be best." - By doing this, you are "disarming" her from her negativity towards you. Leave her with positive feelings ONLY!!!
2) BE POSITIVE! Never let her see you depressed or negative. She will view you as weak willed and foolish. No crying, complaining, yelling, etc. This will PUSH her away!
3) Go out immediately and date others, etc. Being home waiting for her to call is another sign of weakness and you will look boring.
4) DO NOT say "I love you" or "I need you". This shows her you are needy and works against you!
5) If she cals you, speak briefly and mention you are going out that night and need to get ready. Make sure you do go out and she calls you! DO NOT call her to tell her this.
6) YOU WILL NEVER GET WHAT YOU THINK YOU NEED! She is only a DESIRE!!! If your wife was not in your life, you would still be alive. Do not think thoughts of "needing" her, as hard as it is. You need to train yourself into thinking that it is "ok" to let go of her.
7) This is about HER feelings. Not your child. Be careful on how you discuss your child with her.
Last edited by husbndinthemaking; 30th April 2008 at 3:35 PM.
Although you made some bad decisions, this was not all your fault. She failed to communicate with you for two years prior. She did not give you two a fair chance. She saw you improving and yet still bailed. She did not offer to goto MC either. By you giving her all that money was a big mistake. You are enabling her to continue this behavior.
Whether or not she is interested in another co-worker, not sure but odds are in favor that she is. She knows you made mistakes, yet however she refuses to accept her mistakes and reality that she did not give it 100% either. Her age is also a big red flag. At 25 years old, she's not ready for marriage, especially if she hasn't sown her wild oats. Though I don't know her personally, I would guess all those thousands will disappear quite fast.
Continue working on yourself, let her know that you will not be dragged through the mud. That you will be there 110% for your daughter, however you will not allow yourself to be disrespected. Pull that safety net away from her! Not only show confidence, but live it. Women love that.
IMO seperation is the worst thing for a relationship, it allows too many 'rules' to be broken when it comes to a marriage. It's like a free-pass to test the waters while you still have a commitment in the background. IMO you should let her know right away that if she's not intersted in saving the marriage that you want to start divorce proceedings. Go against your gut instinct to try to nuture her, it will only have the opposite of what you want.
Also look up the five stages of grief, sounds like you are going through that.
Although you made some bad decisions, this was not all your fault. She failed to communicate with you for two years prior. She did not give you two a fair chance. She saw you improving and yet still bailed. She did not offer to goto MC either. By you giving her all that money was a big mistake. You are enabling her to continue this behavior.
Whether or not she is interested in another co-worker, not sure but odds are in favor that she is. She knows you made mistakes, yet however she refuses to accept her mistakes and reality that she did not give it 100% either. Her age is also a big red flag. At 25 years old, she's not ready for marriage, especially if she hasn't sown her wild oats. Though I don't know her personally, I would guess all those thousands will disappear quite fast.
Continue working on yourself, let her know that you will not be dragged through the mud. That you will be there 110% for your daughter, however you will not allow yourself to be disrespected. Pull that safety net away from her! Not only show confidence, but live it. Women love that.
IMO seperation is the worst thing for a relationship, it allows too many 'rules' to be broken when it comes to a marriage. It's like a free-pass to test the waters while you still have a commitment in the background. IMO you should let her know right away that if she's not intersted in saving the marriage that you want to start divorce proceedings. Go against your gut instinct to try to nuture her, it will only have the opposite of what you want.
Also look up the five stages of grief, sounds like you are going through that.
It is not all his fault, correct. By he has led the way.
This story is ALL to familiar with my story. I never paid attention to my wife and played video games without concern for how she felt. Sounds like she is hurt emotionally by this.
Age has nothing to do with this. This can happen at ANY age. My cousin married at 21 and has twin boys and LOVES her husband with all her heart. She is now 35.
His wife has most likely looked elsewhere for attention that she was not getting from him. An OM looks extremely good in this situation because his main focus is on the girl. His wife might also feel as though he will hurt her again if she comes back to him.
This process WILL TAKE time to heal. Do not expect it to happen overnight.
My marriage is mending right now and I am re-marrying my wife at the end of the month. I followed the rules I stated in my earlier post and it works if you do it correctly.
I owe alot of success to "Stop Your Divorce" by Homer McDonald and other books I have read. Saved my marriage and my family from falling apart.
Last edited by husbndinthemaking; 30th April 2008 at 4:03 PM.
Ouch. We both have alot of savings in the thousands. At one point I looked at those funds and thought that I deserved them since she was the one making the decision to bounce. After some reflection and time, I've realized that I don't want to be an *******. Besides, that's money my daughter is going to see as well. I'm not that petty I guess. Which is good, I think, lol.
Hmmm... I been there and done that... in the end i helped her out before I left. I gave her a big bank roll of cash I saved up because I decided that I was going to be a big man and not be petty about it.
Granted i could of let her suffer horribly that month but in the end... I win because if we have the cheapest, most amicable divorce.. I win. If lawyers do not get ugly with each other because both me and my STBXW dictate the terms of our divorce and coparenting... I win...
Also when dividing your things.. don't get petty and have her go through the emotional stuff... give her the things she wants... don't fight for scraps on the table... but when it comes to visitation and custody of your beautiful baby girl...stay firm. If she is not cool with you taking care of her alone for overnight or whatever...make every available opportunity to spend time with her. Let your bond with her become your life from now on... regardless if your wife wants to give you a 2nd chance.
In my experience, you will only focus on your wife right now... you will want her to go to marriage counceling and stuff... but in the end... when a woman makes up her mind, it is a done deal dude. However, your relationship with your daughter is just starting.. you can make things right with her and be the best daddy you can be. Women can come and go in your life, but your daughter will always stay with you forever.
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
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