My husband and I had been married for five yaers but together for 15 when I discovered that he was cheating on me. he continued to lie to me about the truth of what really happenned for months. I found details out on my own and then he admitted bits and pieces because he had no choice. Our marriage had been perfect as far as I was concerned, and he tells me that he was happy too. We had a great sex life, we did a lot of things together, we went on trips and outings together, and we communicted openly. We had just built the beautiful home of our dreams, and had begun talking about ahving children. I was completely blown away when i discovered an e-mail from another woman, and then as I dug deeper I dicovered that he was sleeping with two women at the same time. He works away (two weeks away, then two weeks home). The affairs happened with women that he works with while he was away. He says that it only happened becasue he was drunk initially, and then he realized that he got away with it, and that I would never find out and thus wouldn't be hurt by it. He says that he never intended on leaving me, and it was just a way from stopping his lonliness while he was away at work. He tells me that I did nothing wrong and that there was nothing that i could have done differently to prevent it. I continue, however, to blame myself, and now my self-esteem is so low that I find it really hard to even want to get out of bed some days. I feel like I am an ugly, worthless piece of garbage. My husband and best frined chose these two women that he knew nothing about over me. He was willing to throw our life away for them. It has been over a year now since I discovered the affairs, and i am still crying everyday and in terrible emotional pain. i am not mad as much anymore, just really sad. I still dont understand why this happened. The worst thing is knowing that my husband could do this to me. I cant believe that he could hurt me like he has. He is the man that I honestly felt would do anything to prtect me from pain, but now I know that he intentionally caused me pain beyond description. How can I forget that. I sometimes feel like I dont knwo who he is. I am afarid to trust him again, because I really dont know when he is telling me the truth, or when he will cheat on me again, and my world will come crashing down on e again. I really dont think I could survive that happening to me again. i am barely surviving now. Has anyone else out there been through an affair and after a year still feeling intense pain??? I wonder if it will ever get better.
I'm not the right person to help you on this,but I really really feel bad that you are going through all this sadness.
You will get over the affair when you are ready,1 year is too soon,plus considering you have to deal with him cheating on you with 2 different women I am sure it will take longer.
I think you need to go on with your life put yourself first do nice things for yourself,work on your selfesteem hang out with friends or family member's.
Do not let him and his affair's destroy you.
Does he seem to be sorry that he hurt you,or is he sorry he got caught?
How is he towards you since the affair's were discovered?
Your husband is a broken man inside, it seems you had a good marriage and a good relationship, but obviously he felt he needed more - Whether it be an ego feed or maybe he has a sexual addiction or is a serial cheater, HE needs to fix that within himself before continuing with the marriage. Is he seeking counselling? Is he sorry for his cheating and affairs? John is asking the right questions, especially the one is he still seeing any of the women that he had the A with?
Are you willing to give him the chance to fix himself and also do marriage counselling? Is your marriage worth fixing or is it best to let go and find a man who won't cheat on you.
Thanks for the thoughts guys. I honestly do think that my husband is very sorry for what he has done, and he has been a great husband ever since, except for continuing to lie to me after I initially found out. He says he didnt want me to hear more than I needed to because he thought it would just hurt me more. I think he was just trying to protect himself, but who really knows. i still think there are details that he hasn't told me, and that continues to eat away at me. The fact that there may still be secrets between them. He has gone out of his way to show me how badly he wants things to work between us. He has gone to personal counselling and we did go to marriage counselling. I also received personal counselling that I really dont feel helped me a whole lot.
My husband has stopped seeing both women. He works away as I said in an earlier post, and he continues to work where these women also work. That really bothers me as much as I try to not let it. I have his e-mail passwords, and I check his messages regularly (he knows this), he calls me to check in several times a day as well. I am confident that there is nothing happening right now, but i am always wondering when it may happen again. I had no idea that anything was happening before. Everything in our relationship seemed perfect. There were absolutely no signs even now when I look back. So, my fear is that this could start happening again and I will not ahve a clue. i am living in a world of extremly high anxiety, and constant fear of my life being destroyed all over again. I am afraid to let my gurad down and be "happy" again. I did go to my Dr. a long time back and he did prescribe ativan for me. I took them in the beginning, but I did not like what it was doing to me. I dont think I need mediaction right now. I am hoping that time will allow me to trust my husband again because I do love him, and I love and miss the life we "had". I just want to hold onto hope that things will get better. It just seems like one year is a long time to feel such sadness, bitterness and such low self-esteem.
He works away as I said in an earlier post, and he continues to work where these women also work.
Would he be willing to start looking for another job or transfer somewhere else so he doesn't have to work with these women? This just makes trusting him alot harder for you, even if he calls alot and you can check his emails...Fact that he still 'sees' them around isn't cool.
Do some yoga for your anxiety. It will help relax you. Also, google rescue remedy (bach flower) if you're not sure about taking anti-anxiety meds.
I'm so sorry for what has happened to you. Ativan is only useful in the short term for extreme distress and has to be used cautiously because it is addictive, also as you found makes you feel very spaced and unreal. Your doctor could prescribe you something that you could use over a longer period.
I agree that alternative therapies are also really useful and have the added bonus that they are something you do for yourself and can help you to feel that you are taking care of yourself again. I have found that aromatherapy and meditation that includes full body relaxation techniques have always been useful. Also acupuncture can be surprisingly effective (I was a bit of a sceptic until I tried it). I have been using acupuncture recently for anxiety (found out about my H affair etc. only a short time ago), it doesn't suit everyone but could be worth a try.
I also agree that your H should be trying to find another job, I can imagine what you must be going through everytime he leaves. Don't beat yourself up over not being over it. Your situation hasn't changed much since you found out and perhaps that's what it needs.
Forgive me, Canada, since I'm not in your shoes (I'm not married) but I cannot imagine a worse nightmare than being tethered to someone who has hurt and betrayed you so badly. Why in the world are you still with him?? The point at which someone's behavior is driving me to take strong medication to suppress the pain, is the point where I'd get off the carousel.
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"There are still too many days when I'm the only woman in the room." -Nancy Pelosi
Forgive me, Canada, since I'm not in your shoes (I'm not married) but I cannot imagine a worse nightmare than being tethered to someone who has hurt and betrayed you so badly. Why in the world are you still with him?? The point at which someone's behavior is driving me to take strong medication to suppress the pain, is the point where I'd get off the carousel.
OB, history is an amazing thing. Especially, history with someone you love. When you do love them, not just be in love, but love with total trust, faithfulness, joy, and commitment, you don't view that as a tethered. You view it as a bond, a intertwining. And it isn't to un-twine those emotions even in light of betrayal. That is where the commitment comes in. It is also what allows for forgiveness and reconciliation. I couldn't do it, I am not woman enough, but I do understand it.
As we are all so fond of saying on LS, though there are a lot of similarities in A situations, every relationship is different. Don't either of you sell yourselves short. It is possible that you just haven't been with the kind of man, or in the kind of situation, where these feelings could take hold.
I think people in general are very resilent and capable of overcoming tremendous hardship and grief. The path they take to do that stems from within and the particular situation. In some cases you stay and fight. In others, the best path is to walk away.
We all offer advice that stems from our personal situations, though it is often presented or received as being very general. My situation is most like that described by BNB. Forgiving my H and rebuilding our M was something I wanted to do. It hasn't been a breeze, but most really great things in a person's life aren't.
Getting our relationship to the 31 year mark in the first place(pre-A) took work. So did raising our children and forging our careers. We have both worked hard for everything we have since high school. Along the way we lost a child and parents. That's all part of life. Some of it is horrible and some of it is great.
So what I say to the OP is there is no right or wrong answer for this situation. If staying in the M is what you really want then you have to do things differently than what you are doing now. You have to get yourself on solid ground and feel good about yourself in order to progress. You should try IC and if it isn't helping try another one. We went to three before finding the right person. Then you and your H need to do some serious work on your M. Don't try to be like before, you can't. Recognize that this will be a different, and potentially better, marriage.
ALL that being said, you may find that you can't stay. You may love him, you may even forgive him for what he did. But, you may find that you feel you can't rebuild the kind of marriage you want and that to stay with him would be living a lie.
IMO, you can't really feel good about the decision to stay and work on the M until you also face leaving and know in your heart you could do it. Many posters on LS assume a wife stays for "the package" or because she is simply afraid to be on her own. Some do, that's clear. But if you do, you will never be an equal partner in the relationship. You both have to understand that you can leave and you will leave if the M isn't what you want. You have to operate from a place of strength, not fear.
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
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