Hi. First time here. Used other forums and talked to a LOT of wonderful women. I want the male perspective now.
I had an A with a friend and neighbour. Knew each other for 4+ years. All friends. Last year I detected it had changed. Looks, comments. End of last year he admitted his feelings and the A began. Two weeks later, we were 'caught' by his W. Our one and only 'encounter' other than kisses.
Went down the 'one-off drunken night' route. My H forgave us both. His W struggled. Contact remained. He was keen to keep going. I was pretty mesed up about the lying, guilt, pain I had caused.
Anyway. About 8 weeks ago I decided to blow this thing out of the water as my H approached me and said 'you know, I watched you both all last year. You didn't just have a 'one off'. You were/are in love with him and its more like an emotional A isn't it?". Whoa. So I decided to come completely clean and told him everything. He in turn told W. Sh** hit fan. As expected.
Yes I had fallen in love. I also believe he was. I have done a lot of analysing (I AM a woman). I do honestly believe he was in love with me. We were both unhappy in our marriages at the time. No excuse. But its not rocket science. Two people who get on VERY well, have lots of fun, like the same things, respect each other professinally...blah blah blah I have held my hand up and said 'hey, I did this, I am responsible for half'. He told his wife i had seduced him. This is NOT his first A.
We were good friends for many years before this all began, so I do know him well. Anyway. Heres the thing. I am moving house in 1 week. Never to see him again. I have stayed true to my word and not contacted him since the whole thing blew up. Its been 8 weeks of hell. Esp as he is my neighbour and i have had to SEE him nearly every single day. Pretty hard. Who could have known how addictive this drug was? Crazy.
I'm off to start my new life. Am at IC. My H is v hurt and being amazing. Truly amazing. I am a lucky person to have been given a second chance. This is prob such a stupid question, but do you think he will ever contact me again? His trust in me is gone because I told the truth when it blew up. He probably thinks I would tell his W or my H.
I want to hear from other guys who have cheated. But only the ones who have truly been in love with their OW. How is it for you? Are you in pain? Do you think you will contact them again?
My XOM and his W are not really friends, which is why I know I was v special to him. We were like two peas in pod. He always said I was the female version of him. In the end we turned out to be crappy friends and terrible partners. I am really sorry for what I have done, I had never felt like this before. But I realise it was a fantasty.
I have always had loads of male friends. I relate v well to guys and don't offend easily. I am looking for honestly. I realise some of the time I have been lied to and 'played' but I am a pretty on-to-it chick and my instincts are pretty good.
Any info would be really helpful in getting me to understand his side and helping me move on. Cheers.
yrs. ago i hooked up with a lady.yea i was married.she was just amazing. there was just something about her that clicked.like you, we got caught. and that ended that, if it wasn't for having a then small child, i would of stayed w/ her.we run into each other now and then,and i still think she's amazing!
It's not love.. it's infactuation. How can you be in love with someone you haven't even shared a real life with? How can you goto MC and continue to be in love with this OM?
If I was your husband, I would open that door and kick you out. You can then experience the real OM, the one you have to wake upto every morning, the one where you see his bad habits, his anger, his dislikes, his annoying personality that once was only blissful. It's easy to always put on your good side when he doesn't live with you.
Honestly you need to figure out why you did this and really need to mature. Stop worrying if he's going to contact you. If your husband knew this, I would guarantee he would leave you. You have gotten so comfortable with your husband you have taken him for granted. The way your attitude is, you will be back here in 6 months, crying that you truly lost your husband now and asking on advice to get him back.. But in reality there will be no advice given, and the few that do.. won't work. You have used him enough.
Either fix yourself and this marriage, or get the hell out of it.
There is none. I too have been in your shoes. I was with the OW for over a year and thought I was in love, but it's not love. When I went back to my wife who took me back,Thank God, I still reeled in the feeling of thinking I was in love with her. For the sake and love of my wife I did everything my wife asked. Passwords, gave up my cell phone anything she wanted because my marriage was real, the affair was just a fairy tale. I cannot lie, I still think of her at times, but I love my wife so much that I would never dare to hurt her again. Do not take your husband for granted, don't give him D day after D day (discovery day) because you keep sneaking contact with OM. Whatever feelings you created for OM, focus them on your husband. It has been over 6 years since I strayed and I have not contacted the OW once and I don't plan to and I had real strong feelings for her. You shouldn't either if you want to keep your marriage. Don't be selfish, your husband deserves better than that. Especially if he has been good to you
Most love affairs begin innocently, proceed smoothly and end badly. Contrary to what others preach, one can be in an affair and love his/her partner. True love and an affair are not mutually incompatible. An affair is a relationship--nothing more, nothing less.
And if they insist otherwise, fu#k'em. You, and only you, know how you felt for your OM.
You weren't together that long, so your post-affair recovery shouldn't last forever. That you're leaving town should help, too. Thoughts of him, and what could have been, will eat at you. Fight them with all your strength. Otherwise, you'll lead a life of permanent distraction. It's difficult for any souse to compete against an ideal.
I've not talked to my ex-MW in 2 years, and I've not seen her socially in 4 years. I'm a better person for that, too.
Bull. He just told you that. This woman is his wife and you filled in a need she didn't give him. New excitement and intense crush like feelings. That isn't love, it's lust.
This man is a liar and a cheater so don't believe ALL that he told you about the status of his marriage. He said what he said to manipulate you into whatever he wanted to happen.
Please try to imagine if the roles had been reversed and you had to undergo all of the humiliation and disrespect that your spouse had done to you with your next door neighbor. Imagine after you had forgiven him you see a message board where he writes asking people do you think there is a chance that the person he cheated with will someday contact him again because he would want that to happen. You still don't get it. I hope your amazing husband shows you the door because clearly you do not appreciate the special gift he has given you.
No truly, thank you. I have 6 days before I move town. I have been having really strong urges to contact XOM to say goodbye. I have told H this as well. Strangly enough he has felt the same, since we were all friends. I have told him I won't do it and I plan on keeping my word.
I wanted to see what sort of reaction my post would get. In a way I hoped I would get some sh** for asking that question. Once I posted I did think to myself this is cra*, how would my H feel if you knew I had?
I have been v selfish. The whole nature of an A is totally selfish. My H has been amazing and continues to be. I tell him everything. No holds barred. He understands I am still in withdrawal.
I hope you are right that because it was a short A, it will clear from my mind one day. But it was a loooooong little dance to get there, a couple of years at least. I realise it was a fantasy and that what I have in my Marriage is real. But the fog of those feelings have just a little tiny clutch still on me.
I'm only human and I am doing my best, my very best. I am now truthful, loving and supportive when my H is having a bad day. He is the same for me, even if its ridiculous to feel pain after a 'fantasty' relationship.
I DO thank you all for your input. I needed a good slap in the face. If any of you have been there you understand that you get strong, you realise the truth but you have moments when you slip down that slippery slope of memories and how THEY made you feel.
I'm done. I'm not a bad person. I made a bad decision and I need to move on and concentrate on my awesome guy. It will never happen again.
Do I hope he does? Sure. I'd be lying if I said no. It would make me feel better.
But I am concentrating on my marriage. And I do agree that its a stupid question. In fact, I probably shouldn't have posted to be honest.
How is it going to change anything? I just had this need to hear from some guys on this who had been in a similiar situation.
The ole man/woman thing is v interesting. I just like hearing from all sides of the fence. But I am 100% committed to my marriage.
No you're not, let your husband go. Your husband's going through HELL. As far as you having male friends, you won't ever have any male friends again if you stay in this marriage, because your husband will NEVER trust you like he did before, that's blown, gone forever!
__________________ -You don't know the Power of the Dark side! - I find your lack of faith disturbing! -The ability to destroy a planet is insignificant next to the power of the Force! - Darth Vader
In the end we turned out to be crappy friends and terrible partners.
OP, curious, if I assume correctly that "we" is you and OM. Why the angst about leaving or interest in future contact if this is true? I'm trying to understand your psychology. Is it that you were only sexually compatible, but incompatible otherwise?
I'm with grogster in that every situation is unique, as is how it is handled. I'm sure LakesideDream and I could get together and do quite a thread on EA's from a male perspective, from both sides (OM and WS) of the street. The important thing is for you to do what works for you.
I'm curious, if the A is known completely to your H, why the IC only? I would think MC would be more efficacious, since there are no details hidden about the A and it and its effect on the M could be talked about openly. I think that would be my first step.
I agree Darth! I won't have male friends every again. I am older and wiser to the ways of the world. My H is FREE TO GO anytime. The reason he doesn't (because he is a very smart man) is because he knows I fu**ed up and that it does not define me as a person. He has known me 15 years. As for fixing myself, marriage or getting out, totally agree again. Hence IC, hence total honestly and support for H as he IS going through hell. I'm not stringing him along.
I have spoken to H about my urges and how I feel a need to contact OM. I tried to keep it to myself, tried to refrain from hurting him even more but he asked me to talk to him about it. He asked me the questions. Do you miss him? Do you want to contact him. I am not going to lie, no matter what. He says he wants to hear the truth rather than GUESSING what I am thinking/feeling.
I don't give a shi* how harsh you guys are with me, because it it NEVER any harsher than I am with myself. You can't beat someone up who is already doing that to themselves 24/7.
Carhill, the stupid question about will he contact me was dumb. And totally goes against the whole of my reasoning and what I am actually doing. It was a girl question in a moment of insecurity about feeling stupid about being played. Nobody likes to feel like they have been taken advantage of. Man or woman.
Will he contact me again. Probably not. That's the truth, and to be honest, that's a good thing. He did care in his own way, he also told a lot of lies. Its feels pretty crap to have fallen head over heels for a scumbag and to have caused people I love so much pain. I have no doubt I will flog myself over it forever.
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
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