My fiance and I have been dating for nearly 5 years. We met in college and began dating right after I graduated. We moved in together and lived together for about 3 years. We had and continue to have a great relationship, but after 3 years of living together, I wanted to move towards the next step of getting engaged. Well with time, this snowballed into a long five or six months of fighting and tears. He said he was looking for the perfect ring, then he said he had the ring, but he never seemed to propose. He finally did about a year and a half ago after a very tense period of arguing about getting engaged. He always said he wanted to get engaged and be married to me, but something was always stopping him and he could never explain to me what it was. I finally found out after the fact that his parents threatened not to continue paying for his law school if he proposed to me. On a side note, I have no relationship with his parents. From day one, they have not been very welcoming and haven't made any desire to get to know me. I know this is a pattern with them and it is not about me personally. I think they have just wanted him to stay focused on his education and career.
As we move toward our plan which was to get married this August, everything has been fine. We were planning a very small wedding that didn't require a lot of advance planning. However now that I have started to get serious about locking in a photographer and travel plans related to the wedding, he has suddenly started acting the same way he acted about getting engaged. Suddenly last weekend, out of the blue, we were spending time together and I noticed he was acting weird. He didn't really hold my hand or want to be close, he just seemed detached. After I questioned him and we got into a heated discussion, he told me he thought he just needed some space to "sort out his feelings" - same thing he did about the engagement. He told me he is under an enormous pressure at work and school and someone always wants something from him. He leaves at 7am and returns at 9pm every day and he never has any time to just be by himself and think about his feelings. There is no denying he has intense stress right now - he is finishing his final year of law school with exams approaching, he works 30 hours/week at the law firm, and he now has to start a bar exam review class and pass the bar exam in July. Then our wedding is supposed to be in August so a lot is happening quickly, but he's known that this is all coming. When I push him for answers about what he's feeling, he seems to always want to avoid confrontation and discussions about our relationship and it's really taking a toll on me because I can't ever get any honest answers. I'm part of the relationship too and for him to always want to take time to "clear his head" and "decompress" just seems so odd to me. How is taking a few days to clear his head going to suddenly give him the answers he seems to be seeking? My bet is that it won't. I don't understand why he can't talk through whatever it is that he's dealing with with me. If we're going to get married, he needs to be able to communicate his feelings or uncertainties with me. I just can't keep living in this state of uncertainty, wondering if he loves me or wondering if it's something else entirely, like stress at work. I need answers too! Does anyone have any thoughts/advice?
Usually "I need space/time" means "I met someone else and have feelings for them, and need to take time away from you and apply it toward the new person."
It could also be a simple case of him not wanting to get married.
At any rate, you really don't want to get married to someone who is backing out with the "time/space" line - there is always more behind that than you know, and the last thing you want to do is carry that over into a marriage.
__________________ No man chooses evil because it is evil; he only mistakes it for happiness, the good he seeks. --Mary Wollstonecraft
We had a long, good chat tonight. He has expressed to me that he is 99% sure that he wants to marry me, but 1% of him isn't. He says that 1% of him feels like the wedding is just another responsibility. I asked him if he just needed time/space to see other people and explore other things, but he says he has no interest in doing that, so for the time being I have to believe him. I feel that, yes, marriage is a responsibility in many ways, but it is a responsibility that I feel happy and excited about. I don't know why he doesn't feel the same way.
I think he is just on a lot of stress right now, I know some of my friends in law school are pulling their hairs out and i can't imagine having another extra responsibility on his plate.
Just give him time, and perhaps take a break from talking about the wedding. that way, he can focus on getting his bar exam over with, and after that, both you can have fun planning the wedding
I truly believe it's stress, because I would have the same reaction too. I would totally flip out if i have to worry about planning a wedding AND study for the bar exam ><
You guys already sleep together and live together. Getting married is just the next step to show his commitment...since you guys have already been living together, i don't see how it is a big dramatic change he needs to think over. it sounds like he is the oldest child who is always trying to please his parents and now you and he is conflicted between you guys. You need to ease off the pressure...act like you don't care...if he really loves you, he will go after you. And if he doesn't, that means he cares too much about his parents' opinions and you shouldn't be with him anyway.
Bottom line is he is not enthusiastic about marrying you at all. His behaviour, as described by you, is a series of moves to delay and procrastinate. He, for whatever reason, simply isn't ready.
It could be his youth (big world out there you know), his Parents' disapproval (this is huge at your ages), or that he simply doesn't know himself well enough right now to know for sure what he wants.
Many first marriages end fairly quickly. It is a lesson for these young people that if you have reservations or if your intuition is screaming NO!, then it is best to listen to that inner voice.
You are aware he clearly isn't gung-ho about this. Why force it? It will result in misery for you both. If you enjoy your relationship as it is, then enjoy it. Should this be a deal-breaker for you, then end it. Whatever you do, don't force it as you will regret it for a very long time.
Oh and if you do decide to force the issue, then please take extraordinary measures against getting pregnant until both of you are enthusiastically ready for it.
why did you pressure him for marriage? If he proposes, he proposes. Why so eager?
I'm sure he didn't appreciate the stress.
Why are you in such a hurry to get married? Why doesn't his parents like you?
I'm sure they have told him he needs to finish his studies, become a lawyer and then see what's out there before he settles down and marries. It seems with his hectic schedule that right now is not the time to plan a wedding and I'm sure they have told him that too.
From what you've said his actions say he is hesitant about marrying you and even if he is 1% not sure that is too much.
This is a common scenario in young relationships. The bottom line is that you may be ready to get married, but everyone else involved isn't. That's just the way it works at that point in life. Being a Lawyer or Doctor is a very demanding career, and it takes a lot of time to get situated. I'm willing to guess that for both careers it would take about ten years from the start of college before anyone would be truly settled and ready to start a family. The investment of time and money in preparing a child for such a career is immense, and I can understand why his parents would be against any life move that would potentially interfere with it.
Sorry, you may love each other dearly, but he probably won't be ready to have a family for some time yet. If you push him into it, it could wind up being disastrous for you both.
__________________
The beauty of the soul shines out when a man bears with composure one heavy mischance after another, not because he does not feel them, but because he is a man of high and heroic temper.
- Aristotle
We had a long, good chat tonight. He has expressed to me that he is 99% sure that he wants to marry me, but 1% of him isn't. He says that 1% of him feels like the wedding is just another responsibility. I asked him if he just needed time/space to see other people and explore other things, but he says he has no interest in doing that, so for the time being I have to believe him. I feel that, yes, marriage is a responsibility in many ways, but it is a responsibility that I feel happy and excited about. I don't know why he doesn't feel the same way.
Because you are practically forcing it on him.. that's why he doesn't "feel it". Marriage should be a joyful experience that both parties want. Why is the "wedding" such a big responsibility?? Are you pressuring him into a grand wedding too?
99% and 1%? That one percent seems tiny, but it's preventing him from marrying you so it really negates the entire 99%.
Last edited by MrsHellnoFire; 30th May 2008 at 11:44 AM.
THe main thing I read in the OPs post is "This is what I want". I'm not hearing much about what the fiance really wants. Why is that?
Flat out, the guy is under a great deal of stress already. If you really cared about him, then you'd stop pressuring him and placing more stress on him when what he really needs is your support and understanding.
It is hard to be in a relationship. Its even harder to put the needs of our partner ahead of our own needs... but that is exactly what you NEED to do right now. Your hurting your relationship by trying to force your fiance into doing things at the pace you want them done by.
I've gotta ask though.. what do you do for a living, and do you have the same type of schedule you fiance has? I think you're being selfish for putting your own wants ahead of what is best for your fiance and your relationship, but maybe I'm jumping to conclusions... maybe you work 14 hour days too with stresses and pressures I'm unaware of.
Don't listen to those who are telling you that you have done something wrong. You haven't. As someone else stated, you have been living together 3 years, there should be no problem with the next logical step of marriage.
I would consider if I would want to meet another guy and end it with him. Move out, stop catering to him, then maybe he'll see the light and he'll pop into action and realize what he's losing.
Don't listen to those who are telling you that you have done something wrong. You haven't. As someone else stated, you have been living together 3 years, there should be no problem with the next logical step of marriage.
I would consider if I would want to meet another guy and end it with him. Move out, stop catering to him, then maybe he'll see the light and he'll pop into action and realize what he's losing.
I don't think anyone is saying she's "wrong". It's not a right or wrong situation. He has as much right to not want to get married right now as she has to leave him for it. Most of us are just saying that it shouldn't be much of a surprise considering he hasn't even started his career yet. He has a long way to go before being settled in life. Timing is half the battle in relationships.
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