My fiance and I have been dating for nearly 5 years. We met in college and began dating right after I graduated. We moved in together and lived together for about 3 years. We had and continue to have a great relationship, but after 3 years of living together, I wanted to move towards the next step of getting engaged. Well with time, this snowballed into a long five or six months of fighting and tears. He said he was looking for the perfect ring, then he said he had the ring, but he never seemed to propose. He finally did about a year and a half ago after a very tense period of arguing about getting engaged. He always said he wanted to get engaged and be married to me, but something was always stopping him and he could never explain to me what it was. I finally found out after the fact that his parents threatened not to continue paying for his law school if he proposed to me. On a side note, I have no relationship with his parents. From day one, they have not been very welcoming and haven't made any desire to get to know me. I know this is a pattern with them and it is not about me personally. I think they have just wanted him to stay focused on his education and career.
As we move toward our plan which was to get married this August, everything has been fine. We were planning a very small wedding that didn't require a lot of advance planning. However now that I have started to get serious about locking in a photographer and travel plans related to the wedding, he has suddenly started acting the same way he acted about getting engaged. Suddenly last weekend, out of the blue, we were spending time together and I noticed he was acting weird. He didn't really hold my hand or want to be close, he just seemed detached. After I questioned him and we got into a heated discussion, he told me he thought he just needed some space to "sort out his feelings" - same thing he did about the engagement. He told me he is under an enormous pressure at work and school and someone always wants something from him. He leaves at 7am and returns at 9pm every day and he never has any time to just be by himself and think about his feelings. There is no denying he has intense stress right now - he is finishing his final year of law school with exams approaching, he works 30 hours/week at the law firm, and he now has to start a bar exam review class and pass the bar exam in July. Then our wedding is supposed to be in August so a lot is happening quickly, but he's known that this is all coming. When I push him for answers about what he's feeling, he seems to always want to avoid confrontation and discussions about our relationship and it's really taking a toll on me because I can't ever get any honest answers. I'm part of the relationship too and for him to always want to take time to "clear his head" and "decompress" just seems so odd to me. How is taking a few days to clear his head going to suddenly give him the answers he seems to be seeking? My bet is that it won't. I don't understand why he can't talk through whatever it is that he's dealing with with me. If we're going to get married, he needs to be able to communicate his feelings or uncertainties with me. I just can't keep living in this state of uncertainty, wondering if he loves me or wondering if it's something else entirely, like stress at work. I need answers too! Does anyone have any thoughts/advice?
Usually "I need space/time" means "I met someone else and have feelings for them, and need to take time away from you and apply it toward the new person."
It could also be a simple case of him not wanting to get married.
At any rate, you really don't want to get married to someone who is backing out with the "time/space" line - there is always more behind that than you know, and the last thing you want to do is carry that over into a marriage.
__________________ No man chooses evil because it is evil; he only mistakes it for happiness, the good he seeks. --Mary Wollstonecraft
We had a long, good chat tonight. He has expressed to me that he is 99% sure that he wants to marry me, but 1% of him isn't. He says that 1% of him feels like the wedding is just another responsibility. I asked him if he just needed time/space to see other people and explore other things, but he says he has no interest in doing that, so for the time being I have to believe him. I feel that, yes, marriage is a responsibility in many ways, but it is a responsibility that I feel happy and excited about. I don't know why he doesn't feel the same way.
I think he is just on a lot of stress right now, I know some of my friends in law school are pulling their hairs out and i can't imagine having another extra responsibility on his plate.
Just give him time, and perhaps take a break from talking about the wedding. that way, he can focus on getting his bar exam over with, and after that, both you can have fun planning the wedding
I truly believe it's stress, because I would have the same reaction too. I would totally flip out if i have to worry about planning a wedding AND study for the bar exam ><
It sounds like you are both under a lot stress and pressure. I notice that me and my Fiance start to have "issues" during times like that. He becomes detached, then I start to worry and it pushes him even further away.
Guys like it when they don't have to ask you for space. They detach for that very reason - so in turn giving them some space ultimately helps things open up and flow once again between each other.
My babe and I had a painful, sad day back in February. He told me that he wasn't completely sure we were right for each other. He said that instead of planning for a summer wedding like we had originally discussed when we first got engaged (1/1/08) that maybe we should wait and just stay engaged for awhile. I was deflated obviously and hurt that he was doubting our 6 years together. But I think something did click in me that said - he needs some space to deal with this once in a lifetime, huge step we are going to take together. I find myself kind of freaking out by the fact that I am going to be someone's wife. I kind of had my doubts...not that I'm old or anything...just used to have bad luck with love.
Anyways, things are still kind of happening at a snail's pace but he's come around. He talks about the wedding, the house shopping, even mentions songs he'd like to add to the wedding music catalog....I can see he is committed and just afraid. I think women generally have a much easier time shouting from the treetops their devotion and love for someone.
Hang in there and stay true to yourself. You two have made it this far, through the happy and the sad I'm sure. You both sound like you're in love so just go with it.
__________________ "Change your thoughts and you change your world." - Norman Vincent Peale"
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