The night before last my partner of 11 years, got home from visiting his parents, got in the shower (at eleven at night) and then promptly realised, he had left his wallet at their house and said he was going to pick it up. I said fine, gave him a kiss goodbye, but thought it was a bit odd.
When I woke up in the morning he was asleep on the sofa, it seemed that he hadn't got in until the early hours of the morning. When I asked him about it he said he had got talking to his dad who was a bit low.
Last night while I was tidying up I heard him on the phone in our bedroom, being a bit suspicious about the night before and knowing he has recently been back in touch with an old female school friend (who I even asked him to invite round for a meal!) I listened at the door.
The tone he was using and things he was saying sounded very familiar, not the way you would talk to a friend, I carried on listening until I heard,
'Can I ask you something, you don't regret last night do you?'
I couldn't hear her reply but he replied,
'No, it's just that you'd had a couple of drinks'
He then talked about her house, I had no idea he even knew where she lived.
At that point he must have heard my heart pounding in my chest, I felt so sick, because he said hang on a minute and came to the door, where he saw me. His face went white.
I told him I'd heard everything he'd said, he laughed and said, 'No you haven't, what do you think you heard?'
I told him what I'd heard. We walked back into the bedroom, where he hadn't even hung up the phone, she must have heard all this.
He hangs up, when I go to reach for the phone.
After some back and forth, you can imagine how it went, 'nothing happened', 'I didn't
tell you I was meeting her because I knew how you'd react' (despite me inviting her over & a load of rubbish).
I can see in his face that he is desperately trying to think of a reason why he would use the words, 'do you regret last night'. At that point after me asking over and over 'why would you say that unless you were f+++ing her'. He comes up with, she is going to visit her mum tomorrow and there is something she's got to tell her, she's worried about it and she was talking me about it. I was just asking if she regretted telling me. I had to laugh, that is the most lame lie I've ever heard.
I told him to go and stay the night somewhere else, he packed a bag all the time saying, nothing happened.
I've been up all night, feeling angry, sad, sick, jealous. To top it all she's younger, (and all women's nightmare) thinner than me, I feel like a fat, old used up piece of crap with two kids and I'm desperately trying to hold myself together.
I came on here because I cannot face telling 'real people' (no insult intended). I need some good old female support. Part of me so wants to believe what he said, but I know he's lying. I don't know what to do.
Perhaps the most soul destroying thing is, the person I want to talk to, to hug me and tell me everything will be ok, is the same person that's betrayed me.
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Last edited by britchick; 6th April 2008 at 4:59 AM.
The night before last my partner of 11 years, got home from visiting his parents, got in the shower (at eleven at night) and then promptly realised, he had left his wallet at their house and said he was going to pick it up. I said fine, gave him a kiss goodbye, but thought it was a bit odd.
When I woke up in the morning he was asleep on the sofa, it seemed that he hadn't got in until the early hours of the morning. When I asked him about it he said he had got talking to his dad who was a bit low.
Last night while I was tidying up I heard him on the phone in our bedroom, being a bit suspicious about the night before and knowing he has recently been back in touch with an old female school friend (who I even asked him to invite round for a meal!) I listened at the door.
The tone he was using and things he was saying sounded very familiar, not the way you would talk to a friend, I carried on listening until I heard,
'Can I ask you something, you don't regret last night do you?'
I couldn't hear her reply but he replied,
'No, it's just that you'd had a couple of drinks'
He then talked about her house, I had no idea he even knew where she lived.
At that point he must have heard my heart pounding in my chest, I felt so sick, because he said hang on a minute and came to the door, where he saw me. His face went white.
I told him I'd heard everything he'd said, he laughed and said, 'No you haven't, what do you think you heard?'
I told him what I'd heard. We walked back into the bedroom, where he hadn't even hung up the phone, she must have heard all this.
He hangs up, when I go to reach for the phone.
After some back and forth, you can imagine how it went, 'nothing happened', 'I didn't
tell you I was meeting her because I knew how you'd react' (despite me inviting her over & a load of rubbish).
I can see in his face that he is desperately trying to think of a reason why he would use the words, 'do you regret last night'. At that point after me asking over and over 'why would you say that unless you were f+++ing her'. He comes up with, she is going to visit her mum tomorrow and there is something she's got to tell her, she's worried about it and she was talking me about it. I was just asking if she regretted telling me. I had to laugh, that is the most lame lie I've ever heard.
I told him to go and stay the night somewhere else, he packed a bag all the time saying, nothing happened.
I've been up all night, feeling angry, sad, sick, jealous. To top it all she's younger, (and all women's nightmare) thinner than me, I feel like a fat, old used up piece of crap with two kids and I'm desperately trying to hold myself together.
I came on here because I cannot face telling 'real people' (no insult intended). I need some good old female support. Part of me so wants to believe what he said, but I know he's lying. I don't know what to do.
Perhaps the most soul destroying thing is, the person I want to talk to, to hug me and tell me everything will be ok, is the same person that's betrayed me.
I am so sorry you are going through this, I wish I could give you some great advice and it would make it all better but I can't, I can only say take it a day or a minute at a time, it will get better. I just wanted to send you a cyber hug, and tell you hang in there!PS I take no offence from the "real people" comment because I so totally know what you mean.
I have a saying. Do not get mad, get better. When the situation is as insipid as this (the lying after being caught practically red handed, and yes instinct is always right on) I recommend leaving. I am a big believer in separation as an absolute test of seeing the truth of things in a relationship. Do not let your children be an "obstacle". If you can work out an arrangement to take them with you or to leave them a bit with their father, try that. But you cannot remain a prisoner in your own house.
Can you go anywhere to get some mental clarity for a while? And when you do, if there is anything in your appearance which needs a tune up, get on to that as well. I know, I know he is to love you for who you are etc etc etc. But we gals have to stay in the game and it means maintenance maintenance maintenance. For you, above all. Not to "win" him so much as to no longer refer to yourself as a "fat piece of crap". None of that!
I know you would like him to hug you and make it all "go away" but "it" doesn't. We can not live through others and we especially cannot expect to live through or with or for those who are so ridiculously callous and shallow.
Britchick, it's a shame to learn of your discovery, and of your SO's infidelity. There are so few "good" stories in this catagory. You will get advice here that runs the gamet, I will not add to it. I will tell you what happened to me.
After 25 years of a sometimes difficult marriage, my now ex admitted to me that she was having an affair with a man she had known for 30 years.
At that point I didn't want to be married to her anymore. I continued to "love" her for a short while, I did not want to be near her. In time she moved out, then a year later moved away with him. It was a big burdon lifted from my shoulders.
For me it was a combination of shock, saddness, and the humiliation of being a cuckhold all rolled up together. I was through in 48 hours.
God, I'm so sorry for you. I don't know what advice to give you, but I sure do understand what it feels like. He's lucky you didn't throw up on him. I threw up on myself which was totally unsatisfying. I did come to find out that things had gotten inappropriate but hadn't crossed the line, yet anyhow. I hope you find the same and can turn it around.
I am very sorry to hear that you have to go through this. I know how you are feeling, I found out about my hubby's affair and it devastated me I got extremely deppressed. Anyway all I could say to you is just take it one day at a time , it does get a little easier over time , but it never goes away it's always on your mind. I wish there was some magical answer to give you. I wouldn't wish this kind of pain and betrayal on anyone it sucks and you feel all alone. Well you have support here and I wish you the best of luck.
Am so sorry. My mom went through infidelity where my dad denied it and still continues to do. She found proof though, even though OW denied it as well - so don't think OW would tell you the truth even if you tried to phone her as well.
*hugs* Am so sorry for your pain, I think you should not let him back in the house until you have decided what to do. If you believe that you both can work things through, then he has to go NC (no contact) with OW and you two need marriage councelling to find out what lead to this - he would need IC for this as well to find out why he can't be faithful.
Personally, to me I would never stay with a cheater. Once my trust is gone it cannot be rebuilt, and it will take years and years for it to do...so it's up to you.
Believe me though, it's not because she is more beautiful or skinnier. My dad's OW was nothing compared in looks with my mother. It is some need that he has her filling - or perhaps just a midlife crisis (since she is an old high school girl). Either way, you need to decide what to do next. Be one step ahead.
BritChick,
I am so sorry they did this to you. Even worse is that he lied about it to you when you caught him red handed. He is not to be trusted right now -- he is just going to lie and try to cover it all up. You have to rely on your gut instincts and not let him deceive you anymore.
I can't give you much more advice because I have never been in your situation. All I know as a woman is that you have to respect yourself and be strong.
I don't know if I'm allowed to recommend another forum on here, but there is one that may help you, called survivinginfidelity. It is specifically for people who have experienced infidelity in their marriage. I'm not saying stop posting here, just that you will be overwhelmed with supportive and helpful responses there, which you might find comforting right now. Best wishes.
__________________
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"The unexamined life is not worth living."
~Socrates
Her looks don't have anything to do with why he cheated. He cheated because of something lacking within himself.
My H's co-worker "friend" was older than me, flat chested, no butt, frizzy hair and skin so white you could see all her veins. Her husband is sick with a debilitating disease so you can't say she had high moral character either. She looks like an old leftover hippie. Last time I saw her she was wearing a baggy denim jumper that looked straight from the 60's, a funky old vest, and old brown leather maryjanes. She was a mess, pure and simple.
The only thing he found more attractive about her than me was that she rode around on the public train with no underwear on and was willing to screw my worthless H in the back of his truck.
So it wasn't your looks. It wasn't anything you did. It is about him and what is missing, how far off off bubble is his sense of right and wrong. His moral compass is off course.
Wanted to add that it is perfectly normal to feel like the one person you need is the one who betrayed you. You are used to going to him for comfort and support.
Last edited by JustBreathe; 9th April 2008 at 8:02 PM.
Britchick, it's a shame to learn of your discovery, and of your SO's infidelity. There are so few "good" stories in this catagory. You will get advice here that runs the gamet, I will not add to it. I will tell you what happened to me.
After 25 years of a sometimes difficult marriage, my now ex admitted to me that she was having an affair with a man she had known for 30 years.
At that point I didn't want to be married to her anymore. I continued to "love" her for a short while, I did not want to be near her. In time she moved out, then a year later moved away with him. It was a big burdon lifted from my shoulders.
For me it was a combination of shock, saddness, and the humiliation of being a cuckhold all rolled up together. I was through in 48 hours.
Britchick, this guy is possibly looking at doing the same thing with a married woman.
Anyway, I'd drop your hubby's sorry quick!
__________________ -You don't know the Power of the Dark side! - I find your lack of faith disturbing! -The ability to destroy a planet is insignificant next to the power of the Force! - Darth Vader
Thank you all so much for your messages, it is such a help to read them.
I haven't been on here for a couple of days because things have just been awful.
He is moving out at the end of the week. I have found out some other stuff since. He has numerous profiles on internet 'dating sites', with naked (erect) pictures of himself, these I know have been viewed by at least two women he worked with a while ago, after he let them know where the pictures were.
He has also sent naked pictures of himself (same sort of thing) to his ex-counsellor (who I advised him to go to). She seems to have really enjoyed these and shared them with a colleague where she works and encouraged an online sexual relationship between them (sadly, she isn't working in the UK anymore, or I would report her to her governing body).
This online relationship seems really bizarre, the woman is sixty and looks every year and even more worrying, I think she is a transexual. It seems that him and his counsellor had a less than professional relationship, although I don't know how far that went and she was meant to be helping him with dealing with his problems with relationships.
I seem to have found endless stuff about him, he got very relaxed about what he was doing mainly because he made me think for years I was paranoid and needlessly suspicious of him. I made a concerted effort a long while ago that I would relax and trust him, which was difficult but I made a really good job of it. So much so that he has been less careful about choosing passwords and covering his tracks, thus why I have been able to find this all out. This stuff seems to have been going on for much of the time we have been together.
I haven't confronted him with any of this, I can't face another night of crying and accusations. I just want him out of my life. I look at the last 11 years and can't believe I could have been so mislead by someone I shared everything about myself with, someone I loved and supported through so much.
I don't know this person, it feels like there are two people I'm in a relationship with. The one who I thought loved me and some kind of
sick, cruel thing who I didn't even know was there. My relationship with him has been some kind of sick joke. You were right when you say there is something missing in him.
I can't imagine ever wanting to go near a man again, I don't think I can ever trust anyone again.
But even though I want him out, I'm dreading that day. It's as if the life I thought I had didn't exist.
Britchick, you may want to contact the govern body, or whoever is/was the head over this counselor, Me thinks it's illegal what she's done viewing sexual material over the internet of a client, it may still go down hard for her where ever she is!
I'm sure it would cause her at least some embarresment (bloody hell, I can't even spell now) and make her employers look at her in a different way. She current works in Canada (BC) as a counsellor for victims of torture. I makes her sound like a wonderful person doesn't it! I wonder if her husband knows what she gets up to.
I don't think I have the energy to pursue that line at the moment. I'm barely dragging myself out of bed in the morning. I have loads of work to do and writing my dissertation.
I keep telling myself to put all my energy into my work and my kids, but I'm so spaced, all I can do is think of this.
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
My mom went through infidelity where my dad denied it and still continues to do. She found proof though, even though OW denied it as well - so don't think OW would tell you the truth even if you tried to phone her as well. 
quick!
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