My husband and I have been together for 5 yrs. We met while we were both serving in the Navy in Italy. We both got out in 2006 and went to live in California with my parents. I went to Nursing school and he joined the National Guard. Financially, we were struggling so he decided to join Active Duty Army last year. Our marriage has its ups and downs due to the transitions that we have been through. last time we were together was in January and it was the best 2 wks of our lives. I dropped him off in SFO airport in January and tears were just rolling and he didn't want to leave for training. He is currently in Georgia for training and he has met friends who are younger. We are both 28 yrs. old and he feels that it's just hard to resist temptation and he said it's ok for him to talk to women as long as he doesn't go all the way. He told me 2 days ago that he wants to be free and I asked him if he could say that he doesn't love me and he said he couldn't say that. I am having a hard time understanding this 360 turn. He said 3 mos ago that he's not in training to fool around and that he's there for us. Now he changed his tune stating that he realized he wasted 5 yrs of his life, passing on opportunities to be w/other women. I don't know him anymore. The person that I know even proposed to me for the second time underneath the Eiffel Tower a couple of years ago. I love my husband and I wish he didn't have to leave and be like this. I want to visit him in Georgia for Memorial Day weekend but he said not to waste money. I insisted and said I want to see you and I want us to have fun that weekend no matter what. I found out after reading the phone bill that he has been talking to this girl and he admits that he likes to have female friends.....I asked if the girl knows he married and he's like she knows that he is in a relationship. I don't know how to deal with this situation. Pls. give me some advise. I am having a hard time letting go of the person I fell in love with and he is a different person now after 3 mos. It's all about him feeling restrained to have sex with women who he finds attractive. He is headed for Korea for a year after Georgia. The distance before wasn't a big deal since he said 3 more yrs and he'll be out and I'll be a nurse. I'm willing to move and be with him but all he is thinking right now is not being free to have sex all the way. He still says that he loves me after every phone call. I don't know what to think and do. Pls. advise. He's holding on to grudges abt our past fights but I said no relationship is perfect and we were going through a lot. I miss him. I don't know if I should tell him that I know he is talking to a girl based on the phone bill. What should I do in this situation.
I feel very bad for you. You didn't bargain for this when you married your husband.
It may not be any solice, but.. you are just 28 with much time ahead of you. It's probable that at 28 your husband feels like three years is a lifetime. Patience and time are very difficult concepts to master. I didn't figure out patience until I was almost fifty years old. Thinking ahead more than a few months was very difficult, sometimes impossible.
Hopefully, you can talk some sense into him. Three years isn't forever. In fact it would probably go by in a wink if the two of you can give it the oppertunity.
Very tough situation, I don't think there's a lot you can do. You especially cannot control HIS feelings or HIS behavior. It might take some load off of you to realize that. You can control YOUR feelings and behavior though.
At your young ages, separation required by Army deployments is very troublesome. You both need emotional and physical intimacy with each other. When you don't get it, you may feel very deprived and possibly sorry for yourself. A person in this situation can even get angry at the partner for not being there.
It sounds like your H has let all these feelings low through him and has reached the point of entitlement - i.e. I am entitled to get the emotional and physical closeness one way or another. If you're willing to move and be with him, he could have that closeness with you, but it sounds like he's already decided against that. A man who truly loved you as his #1 would want you to move to be with him in the situation you describe.
I'm really afraid that he would like to be in a marriage AND have gf on the side. He gets the security, status, benefits of marriage, and also the fun and freedom of single life. And you are a continent away so there is no real chance for you to interfere with his fun.
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I asked if the girl knows he married and he's like she knows that he is in a relationship.
OK, that means she does NOT know he is married.
I'd like to be encouraging, but I don't see any realistic hope for a faithful marriage to this guy. Your M may or may not last, but it definitely won't include him being faithful and honest. These things are fundamental.....
__________________ Heavily medicated for your safety.
OP, his words and actions tell me he loves you, but is not in love with you.
Can you wait around to see if/when "in love" comes back to him? Only you know this.
Considering the dynamic here, how would a D affect your day to day, irrespective of the emotional impact? It seems, as things are now, you'll be in emotional limbo as long as you let him keep you there, until he makes some decision.
No easy answer, but, IMO, a quantum shift in his personality and demeanor should not be ignored. You can't change him, only how you react to him.
I booked my flight to Augusta, GA next month. Yesterday he got annoyed because I was asking about Julie, the college professor that he met at Soul Bar club last week. I saw on our phone bill that he has been calling her so he said he talks to her and wants her to be a female friend. So I apologized for asking. Then the weird thing happened, he called me back and asked me about going there and what clothes I should bring for the weather change. Then today, we talked n he said his training won't end for another 3 months and he goes to Korea for a year. I said I am excited to see him n he replied by saying, "I think it's a waste of money". I don't know if he has bipolar or what but it makes me crazy. I am trying too hard I ended the call by saying that I love him and he said it back but I feel exhausted for trying so much. Maybe I should stop calling him? What do you think I should do? I want to prepare for the worse and try to accept that he is not the same man who left San Francisco 3 months ago. I think about him everyday despite all the things he has said to me.
The more you hold him back, the more attractive his imaginations are to him. You need to open that cage door for him and start using tough love. He sounds very immature, and unless he gets counseling you will be dealing with this for a very long time. You will be playing detective and constantly wondering what he is doing.
Let him know that you will no longer be dragged through the mud and that you are ready to move on without him. You need to make him think about what he is doing. Pull that safety net out from underneath him. Right now he has the best of both worlds. He's out flirting with other chicks and has you at home waiting for him. It's time he faces reality.
Good chance he's already had sex with these women. He's just looking for a way to ease his guilt by saying what he says to you. Asking him questions about these women won't do any good. He'll lie, he'll make it seem like it's your fault and then use that as a justification in his own warped head to keep doing what he's doing to you.
The longer you tolerate it, the longer it will continue.
Tinker, I'm sorry you are going through this. Your H sounds terribly immature. As much as he says he loves you, he is not ready for the commitment of marriage.
Contact his company commander, and inform them that he's apparently involved in an affair with a civilian while he's there for training. Explain to them that you're ex-military yourself, you know that this is against UCMJ, and are requesting their assistance in putting an end to the situation.
If you know any specific information about OW, provide that as well.
There is no garauntee that this will work...sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn't.
To be honest, I'd recommend finding a way to move into the area he's at for now, if its at all possible.
Right now, its EASY for him to carry on this affair with you living so far away. Its much tougher to do so when you're right there.
__________________
Wise...no. Been through enough to have learned to value wisdom...certainly!
After finding out last weekend that he's talking to a new girl based on our phone bill and he confirmed that he wants to hang out with a female friend. He got annoyed with me questioning abt her. So I stopped and he called be back an hour later with a different personality. He says how am I a doing and why am I sad. He's making plans on what we should do when I visit him next month. I found this very psychotic. You're hurting me then you're calling like you didn't say anything. So I let it slip. Monday comes, he was back to the line, "don't you think it's a waste of money to come here". So Tuesday comes, I decided I don't want to play this game anymore. He called me that night and was concerned about my cold and he just wanted to talk about his day. Wednesday, today, I received my phone bill and I saw 6 text messages a day for the month of March to the married girl who is also on active duty. she moved to texas to be with her husband. So I felt shattered just looking at the phone bill. When he was buzzed last Saturday, he mentioned that he wants the model type and she was a former model, she's 22 yrs. old. We are both 28, still young but I think I have to toss the towel. He talks to me when he feels lonely and have nobody to talk to because he knows I will always be there for him. I think I've had enough. I can't take it anymore. I don't want to call him and I don't know if I should still pick up the phone.
Contact his company commander, and inform them that he's apparently involved in an affair with a civilian while he's there for training. Explain to them that you're ex-military yourself, you know that this is against UCMJ, and are requesting their assistance in putting an end to the situation.
well he claims she presented herself to him but he didn't go all the way becuase he said we are married. he didn't want to disclose what they did but he said she is in Texas now. point is he is talking and presenting himself to this new civillian who is a professor in Augusta. she's 26 yrs. and they are going to the 80s night this friday. after finding out abt d phone bill today, i just feel numb already. so would u consider it adultery if they didn't go all the way.
why do i still love him despite all the flirtations that he has been doing. he still calls but it's all abt him and i listen. when the weekend comes, he gives me that freedom line. during week days, he calls me before he goes to sleep. i don't know what to think anymore. i need to just let him go. should i still answer his phone calls? i think he is willing to risk everything that we have together just to get over his lust for sex. i feel so tired and exhausted of all this. i want us to be together, only if he'll change. why am i still hopeful? he easily gets influenced by people and he's hanging out with the wrong crowd. he even forgot abt his own mother. he gave me the line that she's old anyway.........what should i do? i can't stop thinking about him despite what he did to me. why i am i so foolish>
no all my friends are saying that i don't deserve a guy like him. i felt like he took my self-esteem away when he said he wants the model-type. i think two wrongs can never make a right. so i'll let him have it. i should toss the towel. thing is i'm stubborn and i don't know why i still think abt him constantly and wish for the phone to ring. thanks for all of ur response. i feel that i am not alone. your advise means a lot. sfo was the last place that we have been to and i try to avoid the city now. i can't even study, i am in nursing school. i can't focus. how do i put myself back together and be strong. i want to say that i am ok with the issue of divorce next time he brings it up. it just won't come out of my mouth.
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Marriage On The Verge Of A Divorce
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