[Lishy]

Has anyone here had first hand experience of dealing with someone with this disorder?

Can you tell me what it was like?

Thank you in advance

[smileysmile]

Have you changed your pic Lishy? Not sure if this is the same one I have seen posting around on this forum.
I can relate to BPD. Not all of it but some of it. Mood swings in both my marriages. I think it has something to do with my irregular shifts. I get cranky because of the early shifts I sometimes do. I mean I have to get up sometimes at 3am like I have in the last 2 days.

Having said that I do suffer from something Otherwise I wouldn't be here. A self identity problem. Maybe it is all in my head. Things from my childhood. My dad leaving us when I was 8 to move to Canada and I haven't seen him in 27 yrs. I wish I knew why I behave and think the way I do. Is it your ex who has BPD?

[patientwife]

[FONT=Arial]I have always been curious about BPD. Thank god someone opened this thread. I have always read LS, and this is the first time i posted in here.

I have a husband who i think is either a Psychopath or a BPD. Well, actually i'm not sure. I just know that there's something wrong with him, and I've been trying to figure it out all this time. He is not willing to seek for help. Just the thought of it terrifies him and makes him angry.

I read a lot about personality disorders and at one time, I thought that my husband's symptoms lead to being a Psychopath. But the more I read, and read about BPD, I am convinced that he is a BPD or a combination of two. These are the reasons why:
[/FONT]
1.) [FONT=Arial]He has a superficial charm
2.) He is self-centered in a way
3.) He cannot tolerate boredom
4.) He lies a lot and sometimes he believes in his own lies. He lies to everyone and tries to change the story so he will not be blamed for his own actions. And make me seem like I'm the culprit.
5.) He is very smart and very manipulative
6.) He is irresponsible. He doesn't know what marriage is. He doesn't know his responsibilities as a husband.
7.) He hurts me emotionally by taking the marriage for granted and etc. and sometimes he doesn't know that he has already hurt me unless i tell him.
8.) He always blames others for his own actions. He either blames his parents or me.
9.) He doesn't have long term goals. He earns almost 70K a year and doesn't have savings. He only thinks what is now and what he can buy now and wouldn't think about tomorrow if he loses his job or something.
10.) He's ALWAYS sad about himself. He's NOT happy with himself. We talked about this many times and he doesn't know why he's not happy. He pushed me many times out of his life because he said he cannot make me happy. But when i decide to leave, he would beg me to stay or come back.
11.) He is very indecisive. He always doesn't know what he wants. He doesn't know if he wants to stay married or not. But he's sure that he doesn't want to be left alone.
12.) He's been dreading for the day that I will leave him. He always has that fear and that never goes away.
13.) One night he'd be so sweet to me like he's everything a woman could ask for. The next day, he's as cold as ICE. Like he doesn't remember what happened last night or maybe he refused to remember the wonderful things.
14.) His mood swings changes 2 or 3 times a day sometimes. He can be mean to me and tells me things are not going to work out. After 3 hours, he'd come to me and tell me he loves our marriage and doesn't want to lose me.
15.) He can isolate himself from other people sometimes and sometimes, he can be so friendly and just always wants to go out and hang out.
16.) He can be VERY NEEDY. But sometimes, he doesn't want me or anyone to be a part of him and just keeps pushing me away.
17.) He has serious TRUST issues. He doesn't trust anybody especially when it comes to his money. We're married for a year and been together for 3 yrs. But I'm not added to any of his bank account or credit card, not even to his Health plan.

There are lots of things i can list about his behavior. But i couldn't remember them all. maybe later, i will post again for other symptoms. This is making me crazy sometimes. But the more I read, the more I understand. My husband has many issues. And I know I have responsibilities to him as a wife. He's not a bad person. I mean, he never hit me physically or even tried to. He feels guilty with his actions as he realizes that he's not a good person to me and I deserve someone better.

He also has issues on his childhood. His father left him when he was a kid and told his mom that he doesn't want to do anything with him (my husband) anymore. My husband heard all of that and he was only 9yrs at the time. I guess it was traumatic to him and up to now, he still has not fully dealt it with. He never even mentioned his father to me. His mother remarried 4 times. He doesn't have a good relationship to any of his stepfathers. They always move from one place to another and he doesn't have many friends.

I know i cannot save my husband if he's not willing to seek for help himself. Many times i think about leaving him but he's a very sweet person, more like a child who seeks for love and attention. And I think it's too early to give up now.

I hope there are psychologists or psychiatrists who are members of this forum and help me understand more of my husband's behavior.

[/FONT]

[SoulSearch_CO]

patientwife - Your husband also sounds like he has traits of narcissism: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narciss...f_a_narcissist At least 1-8 really burned out for me that he may have that problem, as well. Some of his other traits do sound like they could be BPD. He really does sound like he needs to get in to talk to somebody. But you can't force somebody into therapy. But you may want to look at getting some books or even therapy for yourself that can help you cope if you wish to stay.

But to the OP - I have discovered that I have BPD. The nine criteria used to diagnose a BPD according to the DSM-IV (kind of like the psych handbook for diagnosing?), a person must have 5 of the following 9 symptoms to receive the BPD diagnosis:

1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment

2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationship characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation

3. Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self

4. Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating)

5. Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior

6. Affective (mood) instability and marked reactivity to environmental situations (e.g., intense episodic depression, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and rarely more than a few days)

7. Chronic feelings of emptiness

8. Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)

9. Transient, stress-related paranoia or severe dissociative symptoms (feelings of unreality)

--------------
I haven't been professionally diagnosed, but I suffer from all 9 symptoms. I'm reading a book called "Sometimes I Act Crazy." Got it from Amazon. It's giving me major insight into WTH this thing is, but also at the end of each chapter, it gives some action that somebody in relationship with a borderline can use to deal with it. Very interesting.

I'm looking at getting help, but that's proving a bit more difficult because of the area I live in...not many options. I'm thinking of having my husband ask somebody at the VA if they can recommend anything because the ones in our area just aren't being very responsive and I feel this disorder can actually be quite serious.

If you have any other specific questions, I'd be happy to answer them. I do have the disorder, but I have been to different therapists in my younger years and also have been through a couple life training programs (all of this before I discovered BPD), so I do have some tools and I am able to communicate quite well for somebody with this disorder.

[Lishy]

Here is my story, it may help others ....

My ex of 14 years (whome I left 3 1/2 years ago) has been diagnosed with BPD - he calls it an Attachment disorder.

He was such a lovely hearted man who turned into a vile mouthed, abusive, unprediactable quick tempered monster

It took me a year to leave him as I was scared for my life. We have a son together who is now 11 but was 8 when I left. He threatened to throw me out of the window before he would let me go, so I left when he was out fishing.

After I left I thought about going back as his behaviour got much worse and in a way it was easier to live with it then the not knowing what mood he would be in. He would really try hard wiuth our son and I know he genuinly loves him and I let him see our son as much as he wanted, and he would have him every weekend and some days in the week he would get him from school. He played a huge part in our sons life and that is how I wanted it. But he just couldnt let go of me.

When I met my partner who I am with now, he flipped (even though it was nearly 2 years after leaving him) He took overdoes, ended up in a mental hospital on numerous occassions - I changed my phone number as he was ringing me at all times just to scream abuse at me - When he realised I changed my number he called the police, gave them my address and told them he had just killed me and was about to kill himself! The police were banging my door down at midnight thinking I was dead inside. I got an injunction then and all contact with his son ceased as I was scared for my sons safety (he has never hit either of us but the emotional abuse was outstanding)

I found out from my son after I stopped contact that his dad let him and his cousins watch a porn film, drove very drunk with them in the car and kissed a strange woman in the park and told my 8 year old to get them cider from the boot of his car! He also had a row with his neighbour and stood on a wall (infront of our son) and was waving a bayonet around and screaming abuse.

And now he is self harming. I bumped into him one day on the street just after xmas and a week later I get a letter telling me that after he saw me it flipped him over the edge and he cut his arm to the bone. He then took a picture of his arm and showed it to my 72 year old mum!

I have now recieved a letter from his solicitor saying that he wants to see our son again and is willing to see him at a contact centre. I am so confused as I want my son to have a dad, just not the nutty one that he has!

I have actioned my lawyer to say that he will have to go through the courts as I want a proper valuation on his mental health. But I am scared!

[marlena]

Lishy honey,

What a nightmare you have been through. I am really sorry that both you and your son had to deal with this. I can only be glad that you both got out.

I know what it is like to live in terror of another person's actions. It freezes your blood and is immobilizing. I, too, would be afraid of him.

IMO, you should keep him out of your poor son's life (he has enough to deal with). He is unpredictable and a threat to your son's safety. I know this is hard as you do want your son to have a father figure in his life but seriously the dangers far outweigh the good that could come from your son having this type of role model to identify with.

Couldn't your new partner provide him with a healthier role model?

Whatever the evaluation may be, this man has given you more than enough examples of what lengths he is capable of going to. It would frighten me and I would keep my son under very close watch.

If you think that your son must see his father, I think having a mediator, the contact centre you mention perhaps, or another third person present at all encounters is an absolute pre-requisite.

Even then, I don't know how good an idea this is. Perhaps, it's better for your own son's mental and emotional being to be kept away from this man and all the negative influence he will exercise on your son.

This is a sticky one, I know. What is the professional concensus?

[SoulSearch_CO]

Wow. I don't even know what else to say other than Wow. I've read case studies on BPD, but I guess they've been the more mellow ones. I had no idea this level of acting out was possible with BPD. And I guess it's stories like this that scare me to tell a psychiatrist that I think I have BPD because I don't want them to think I'm out of control - I'm not. I agree with you on him getting a mental evaluation and then maybe coming up with some ways for your son to cope with his father having this...but definitely no unsupervised visits whatsoever. That's pretty scary. I hope he's getting help for his problems. Wow.

[Mz. Pixie]

Lishy,

My mother was BPD- narcassistic. What can I tell you???

Get as far away from this person as you can. They do not change and you rarely see any difference in them after long time therapy.

Hope you are well!

[SoulSearch_CO]

Originally Posted by Mz. Pixie

Lishy,

My mother was BPD- narcassistic. What can I tell you???

Get as far away from this person as you can. They do not change and you rarely see any difference in them after long time therapy.

Hope you are well!

I think it's really sad the stigma that is placed on people with mental health issues. That's what makes getting help so hard.

I have BPD. I don't think it's fair to say that "they do not change." The ones that WANT to change, CAN change. That's the big difference. Please don't stereotype everybody with this disorder. There is often more to it than meets the eye.

[spookie]

I don't believe in mental illness; imo no one is normal and we all just deviate in various directions.

That said, I qualify for BPD by every count except the identity disturbance thing. I'm very introspective and probably self-centered so I've spent a lot of time analyzing who I am and I think I have a solid idea. I just don't know how to CHANGE.

I dunno what advice to give you, though, as I've never had to deal with myself. Judging by my track record with friends and boyfriends, though, I can guess I am a very difficult person to be close to.

[Mz. Pixie]

Originally Posted by SoulSearch_CO

I think it's really sad the stigma that is placed on people with mental health issues. That's what makes getting help so hard.

I have BPD. I don't think it's fair to say that "they do not change." The ones that WANT to change, CAN change. That's the big difference. Please don't stereotype everybody with this disorder. There is often more to it than meets the eye.

I'm not stereotyping anyone. I'm going by what I was told by at least three counselors and all of the reading and research I've done on the subject.

I was told that even with years and years of therapy that someone with BPD would only show little progress.

I also a member of an online support group for three years for women whose mothers had BPD. Know what they call them?? Nadas. As in not a mama.

I'm sorry that you're inflicted with this mental illness and I do think that it's a big step to admit you need help. Good for you.

However, the things that she did scarred me for life. For life. It's not something that I take lightly and I will never advise someone to be with someone who is BPD. I'm sorry if that offends you.

[SoulSearch_CO]

I'm not diminishing the impact in your life of what your mother did. I truly am not. Nobody would understand that as much as you do yourself because you were the one that experienced it.

I can appreciate your stance...but I do not agree that your statement applies to ALL people with BPD. It was a blanket and unfair statement. Maybe it could apply to a fair number of people with the affliction, but not all. That's all I was saying.

I guess in my case, I don't think I'm somebody that people need to run away from. From talking to other people with BPD, I'm starting to see that mine tends to be pretty mild. I had a mother that did not indulge it at all and I was basically forced to get it under control. I am pretty well adjusted. My biggest problem is my very mercurial moods. But I don't hurt people.

I'm not offended - I just think tossing out a whole group of people like they're garbage isn't incredibly fair. But it's certainly your prerogative.

[Lishy]

I agree that not everyone with BPD would be as vile as my ex!

I think my ex has narcisstic tendencies too