[Lishy]

Has anyone here had first hand experience of dealing with someone with this disorder?

Can you tell me what it was like?

Thank you in advance

[smileysmile]

Have you changed your pic Lishy? Not sure if this is the same one I have seen posting around on this forum.
I can relate to BPD. Not all of it but some of it. Mood swings in both my marriages. I think it has something to do with my irregular shifts. I get cranky because of the early shifts I sometimes do. I mean I have to get up sometimes at 3am like I have in the last 2 days.

Having said that I do suffer from something Otherwise I wouldn't be here. A self identity problem. Maybe it is all in my head. Things from my childhood. My dad leaving us when I was 8 to move to Canada and I haven't seen him in 27 yrs. I wish I knew why I behave and think the way I do. Is it your ex who has BPD?

[patientwife]

[FONT=Arial]I have always been curious about BPD. Thank god someone opened this thread. I have always read LS, and this is the first time i posted in here.

I have a husband who i think is either a Psychopath or a BPD. Well, actually i'm not sure. I just know that there's something wrong with him, and I've been trying to figure it out all this time. He is not willing to seek for help. Just the thought of it terrifies him and makes him angry.

I read a lot about personality disorders and at one time, I thought that my husband's symptoms lead to being a Psychopath. But the more I read, and read about BPD, I am convinced that he is a BPD or a combination of two. These are the reasons why:
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1.) [FONT=Arial]He has a superficial charm
2.) He is self-centered in a way
3.) He cannot tolerate boredom
4.) He lies a lot and sometimes he believes in his own lies. He lies to everyone and tries to change the story so he will not be blamed for his own actions. And make me seem like I'm the culprit.
5.) He is very smart and very manipulative
6.) He is irresponsible. He doesn't know what marriage is. He doesn't know his responsibilities as a husband.
7.) He hurts me emotionally by taking the marriage for granted and etc. and sometimes he doesn't know that he has already hurt me unless i tell him.
8.) He always blames others for his own actions. He either blames his parents or me.
9.) He doesn't have long term goals. He earns almost 70K a year and doesn't have savings. He only thinks what is now and what he can buy now and wouldn't think about tomorrow if he loses his job or something.
10.) He's ALWAYS sad about himself. He's NOT happy with himself. We talked about this many times and he doesn't know why he's not happy. He pushed me many times out of his life because he said he cannot make me happy. But when i decide to leave, he would beg me to stay or come back.
11.) He is very indecisive. He always doesn't know what he wants. He doesn't know if he wants to stay married or not. But he's sure that he doesn't want to be left alone.
12.) He's been dreading for the day that I will leave him. He always has that fear and that never goes away.
13.) One night he'd be so sweet to me like he's everything a woman could ask for. The next day, he's as cold as ICE. Like he doesn't remember what happened last night or maybe he refused to remember the wonderful things.
14.) His mood swings changes 2 or 3 times a day sometimes. He can be mean to me and tells me things are not going to work out. After 3 hours, he'd come to me and tell me he loves our marriage and doesn't want to lose me.
15.) He can isolate himself from other people sometimes and sometimes, he can be so friendly and just always wants to go out and hang out.
16.) He can be VERY NEEDY. But sometimes, he doesn't want me or anyone to be a part of him and just keeps pushing me away.
17.) He has serious TRUST issues. He doesn't trust anybody especially when it comes to his money. We're married for a year and been together for 3 yrs. But I'm not added to any of his bank account or credit card, not even to his Health plan.

There are lots of things i can list about his behavior. But i couldn't remember them all. maybe later, i will post again for other symptoms. This is making me crazy sometimes. But the more I read, the more I understand. My husband has many issues. And I know I have responsibilities to him as a wife. He's not a bad person. I mean, he never hit me physically or even tried to. He feels guilty with his actions as he realizes that he's not a good person to me and I deserve someone better.

He also has issues on his childhood. His father left him when he was a kid and told his mom that he doesn't want to do anything with him (my husband) anymore. My husband heard all of that and he was only 9yrs at the time. I guess it was traumatic to him and up to now, he still has not fully dealt it with. He never even mentioned his father to me. His mother remarried 4 times. He doesn't have a good relationship to any of his stepfathers. They always move from one place to another and he doesn't have many friends.

I know i cannot save my husband if he's not willing to seek for help himself. Many times i think about leaving him but he's a very sweet person, more like a child who seeks for love and attention. And I think it's too early to give up now.

I hope there are psychologists or psychiatrists who are members of this forum and help me understand more of my husband's behavior.

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[SoulSearch_CO]

patientwife - Your husband also sounds like he has traits of narcissism: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narciss...f_a_narcissist At least 1-8 really burned out for me that he may have that problem, as well. Some of his other traits do sound like they could be BPD. He really does sound like he needs to get in to talk to somebody. But you can't force somebody into therapy. But you may want to look at getting some books or even therapy for yourself that can help you cope if you wish to stay.

But to the OP - I have discovered that I have BPD. The nine criteria used to diagnose a BPD according to the DSM-IV (kind of like the psych handbook for diagnosing?), a person must have 5 of the following 9 symptoms to receive the BPD diagnosis:

1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment

2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationship characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation

3. Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self

4. Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating)

5. Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior

6. Affective (mood) instability and marked reactivity to environmental situations (e.g., intense episodic depression, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and rarely more than a few days)

7. Chronic feelings of emptiness

8. Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)

9. Transient, stress-related paranoia or severe dissociative symptoms (feelings of unreality)

--------------
I haven't been professionally diagnosed, but I suffer from all 9 symptoms. I'm reading a book called "Sometimes I Act Crazy." Got it from Amazon. It's giving me major insight into WTH this thing is, but also at the end of each chapter, it gives some action that somebody in relationship with a borderline can use to deal with it. Very interesting.

I'm looking at getting help, but that's proving a bit more difficult because of the area I live in...not many options. I'm thinking of having my husband ask somebody at the VA if they can recommend anything because the ones in our area just aren't being very responsive and I feel this disorder can actually be quite serious.

If you have any other specific questions, I'd be happy to answer them. I do have the disorder, but I have been to different therapists in my younger years and also have been through a couple life training programs (all of this before I discovered BPD), so I do have some tools and I am able to communicate quite well for somebody with this disorder.

[Lishy]

Here is my story, it may help others ....

My ex of 14 years (whome I left 3 1/2 years ago) has been diagnosed with BPD - he calls it an Attachment disorder.

He was such a lovely hearted man who turned into a vile mouthed, abusive, unprediactable quick tempered monster

It took me a year to leave him as I was scared for my life. We have a son together who is now 11 but was 8 when I left. He threatened to throw me out of the window before he would let me go, so I left when he was out fishing.

After I left I thought about going back as his behaviour got much worse and in a way it was easier to live with it then the not knowing what mood he would be in. He would really try hard wiuth our son and I know he genuinly loves him and I let him see our son as much as he wanted, and he would have him every weekend and some days in the week he would get him from school. He played a huge part in our sons life and that is how I wanted it. But he just couldnt let go of me.

When I met my partner who I am with now, he flipped (even though it was nearly 2 years after leaving him) He took overdoes, ended up in a mental hospital on numerous occassions - I changed my phone number as he was ringing me at all times just to scream abuse at me - When he realised I changed my number he called the police, gave them my address and told them he had just killed me and was about to kill himself! The police were banging my door down at midnight thinking I was dead inside. I got an injunction then and all contact with his son ceased as I was scared for my sons safety (he has never hit either of us but the emotional abuse was outstanding)

I found out from my son after I stopped contact that his dad let him and his cousins watch a porn film, drove very drunk with them in the car and kissed a strange woman in the park and told my 8 year old to get them cider from the boot of his car! He also had a row with his neighbour and stood on a wall (infront of our son) and was waving a bayonet around and screaming abuse.

And now he is self harming. I bumped into him one day on the street just after xmas and a week later I get a letter telling me that after he saw me it flipped him over the edge and he cut his arm to the bone. He then took a picture of his arm and showed it to my 72 year old mum!

I have now recieved a letter from his solicitor saying that he wants to see our son again and is willing to see him at a contact centre. I am so confused as I want my son to have a dad, just not the nutty one that he has!

I have actioned my lawyer to say that he will have to go through the courts as I want a proper valuation on his mental health. But I am scared!

[marlena]

Lishy honey,

What a nightmare you have been through. I am really sorry that both you and your son had to deal with this. I can only be glad that you both got out.

I know what it is like to live in terror of another person's actions. It freezes your blood and is immobilizing. I, too, would be afraid of him.

IMO, you should keep him out of your poor son's life (he has enough to deal with). He is unpredictable and a threat to your son's safety. I know this is hard as you do want your son to have a father figure in his life but seriously the dangers far outweigh the good that could come from your son having this type of role model to identify with.

Couldn't your new partner provide him with a healthier role model?

Whatever the evaluation may be, this man has given you more than enough examples of what lengths he is capable of going to. It would frighten me and I would keep my son under very close watch.

If you think that your son must see his father, I think having a mediator, the contact centre you mention perhaps, or another third person present at all encounters is an absolute pre-requisite.

Even then, I don't know how good an idea this is. Perhaps, it's better for your own son's mental and emotional being to be kept away from this man and all the negative influence he will exercise on your son.

This is a sticky one, I know. What is the professional concensus?

[SoulSearch_CO]

Wow. I don't even know what else to say other than Wow. I've read case studies on BPD, but I guess they've been the more mellow ones. I had no idea this level of acting out was possible with BPD. And I guess it's stories like this that scare me to tell a psychiatrist that I think I have BPD because I don't want them to think I'm out of control - I'm not. I agree with you on him getting a mental evaluation and then maybe coming up with some ways for your son to cope with his father having this...but definitely no unsupervised visits whatsoever. That's pretty scary. I hope he's getting help for his problems. Wow.

[Mz. Pixie]

Lishy,

My mother was BPD- narcassistic. What can I tell you???

Get as far away from this person as you can. They do not change and you rarely see any difference in them after long time therapy.

Hope you are well!

[mehtaz]

Hi my name is mehtaz. Its my first post over here and i have been really messed about this girl in my life who i have known for about 4 months now.

We met on the internet and sparked on instantly. She was like someone i had never come across. An extremely vibrant and charming personality with erringly similar likes, dislikes and life experiences to me.

We talked and still talk on the phone. She started of calling me every single day for more around 30 minutes more than once or twice a day. We talked a lot having similar liking for pretty much everything. She started to tell me about her life. That she had been sexually abused more than once when she was very young, almost 10 years old in public places. That she had started cutting/slicing her self with a glass shard out of depression when she was 15 years old. The latter moved me a lot and she continued to tell me how her mother took absolutely no notice of her condition. So much so that she her to stop watching graphic movies and stop imitating the actors.

She was honest enough to tell me that she has a lot of guy friends in the past (all made on the internet). That there was this one particular guy who had saved her from committing suicide.

She continued on to tell me that i was the only lover she has ever had. Yes i was madly in love with her and still am. She means a lot to me. She has almost given me a new life, a new meaning.

But then i started noticing sudden changes in her behavior. All of them on MSN. She got pissy, vented her anger on me and told me to "****" oFF. Ridiculed me moderately and told me that she didn't love me at all. I tried to reconcile with her but all in vain.

What surprised me was that she used to call me up in the morning and was back to her normal charming, loving self. Unwilling to talk about what had transpired the last night, she just said that she doesn't remember what occurred last night.

This took place more than once and left me seriously worried and depressed. I couldn't possibly understand what i was doing wrong until i came across her entire life written down in a text book.

I took up Human Behavior as a course and was studying for the exam when i read about Borderline disorder. It contained everything that she did. Every bit of her past, present and her behavior was written down in a text book catering to under graduates.

But i still love her. Her exams had already started by then. Its been a month since i know this. Her exams will end on 13th june. I have to tell her this but i don't how. Her parents are ignorant.

And on top of that she is suffering from PCOS.

I have no idea what to do. I know that when i tell her this she'll just cut the call off and i would never be able to get in touch with her again. I know i am not her first lover, but i honestly want to be her last.

I really want to help her. Please if someone here could guide me.

she is 19 years old. And will be leaving the city, maybe the country depending on her University admission. I know that for her to get therapy would mean that she has to stay, in one place at least.

I live in karachi, pakistan. Even though we have excellent hospitals over here i doubt BPD awareness is present. I haven't checked though.

[marlena]

Hello to Pakistan. I am sorry you are going through this but I am even more sorry that you fell for a girl who is so obviously a threat to herself and everyone around her. She spells destruction in capital letters.

I know how easy it is to be charmed by people who are mentally unstable. It has happened to me... and yes, I did meet him over the internet. He was the major reason I took down all profiles as it became very apparent all of a sudden that the internet drew in these types of people like a filings to a magnet.

Like I said, these people are great charmers. They have both the intelligence and the skills to manipulate others in a grand way. They offer a lot of excitement and stimulation, often intellectual, to their partners and life with them is anything but boring. Now, if you are the type of person who craves drama in order to feel alive, you are an easy target for them. Or if you are incredibly lonely, risky or desperate for love.

What you need to ask yourself is WHY you would be attracted to this kind of person in the first place for despite their charms, they wreak havoc in the lives of people and in their souls and hearts. It is impossible to have any kind of normal relationship with people like this. You will never, ever find the love, support, communication and stability that are all vital components of a successful and fulfilling relationship.

I, too, was caught in the web of such a charmer. However, once I realized that there was something very, very amiss in his personality, I got scared enough to back off and found the strength to ward off all his attempts at reconciliation. I had my limits and once I reached them, there was no going back. I brainstormed for months, looking deep and hard into my own reasons for enabling this person to mess with my head, and then my self-survival instincts kicked in and I realized that this is not what I wanted for myself. I realized that what attracted him to me was his intelligence and yes, as strange as it may sound, his not being mediocre. What was once exciting became twisted and abusive in my mind and I would not allow anyone, not even a genius, to treat me in such a devalueing way. The lies, the histrionics, the guises..I began to see through them and they terrified me.

I would suggest that you read Lishy's post once again. These people are not who they seem to be. If I were you, I would disengage myself completely from the situation, however hard it may be.

The one thing I realized from this experience is that happiness is a choice just as misery is a choice. I opted not to be miserable. You should do the same. I decided that Marlena alone was much better than Marlena in a dysfunctional relationship.

Best wishes,
Marlena

[mehtaz]

yes i do understand. But i can't walk away without telling her whats wrong with her.

She has obviously made her family's life a living as well and i need to tell them to take her to a therapist. Her mother thinks that she is a nut-case. But no one knows whats wrong with her and that she needs help.

[Lishy]

My ex has BPD but he is a very extreme case.

Not everyone with BPD is as vile as he is, he has very bullying and narcissistic traits too. BPD is normally diagnosed with another mental illness too so not everyone will be a monster like my ex!

My injunction ended in May and lo and behold he came over to my mums house when he saw my car there last week and spoke to my son through a security gate. I told him that if he wanted to see him that he would have to go through his solicitor and he looked at me with pure hate in his eyes and tried to start an arguement with me.

He has not changed one bit and the smell of alchohol wafted hrough my mums house as he stood at the door.

I hate this man with a passion but I do agree that not everyone with this illness is as bad as he is

[mehtaz]

Thanks you all for replying.

What bothers me a lot right now is that will be able to get the message across to her. How will she react when i tell her that she has BPD.

She won't approve of it. I read that it ends in a suicide almost in all the cases unless the patient is treated. Chances of a suicide are less that way.

So all i am concerned right now about is getting her to a therapist.

[marlena]

What bothers me a lot right now is that will be able to get the message across to her. How will she react when i tell her that she has BPD.

I do not think that you are the right person to tell her this. She needs to be diagnosed and told by a professional. You should not take something of such gravity into your own hands. If anyone is responsible for her it is her parents. What you could do is perhaps tentatively suggest that she see a doctor.

[Lishy]

It takes months and months of evaluation to diagnose BPD so you cannot tell her what desease she has, she may not even have BPD!!!

The only thing you can tell her is to see a doctor and soon and maybe say you fear she is suffering a mental illness and that she can get help to improve her life.

Please do not self diagnose her - I was convinced my ex had manic depression and then he got diagnosed with something much worse!