[salsbury701]

Prior to 16 months ago, I was in a complete self destruct mode. I married a man that I felt was the perfect man at the time. We were both recovering drug addicts and felt we could help one another stay clean...WRONG. Within 6 months we were buried in a coke addiction once again...and then the violence started. Within that 5 years I suffered a broken nose, NUMEROUS bruises all over my body and 2 choking attempts that left awful bruises on my neck. I finally just packed up all my stuff and hot on a bus headed back to my hometown...about 2,000 miles aways from him. Even after all of the physical and mental abuse, I wanted to go back so badly. But it got easier over time, and in May our divorce will be final. I thought that my mental state would improve being away from that drama...but it's slowly getting worse. I don't trust anyone and I have absolutely NO self esteem whatsoever...and thoughts of suicide enter my mind a little too often. I don't miss him...not at all. It's just that something inside of me has gotten so messed up and I don't know how to get better. I've never been able to understand how being in a relationship like that can damage someone in this way. I know that I'm not the "fat ass whore" he used to love to call me on a daily basis...but I just feel so hopeless sometimes. Can someone help me? Any input is totally welcome...

[jmargel]

Have you gone back to drugs? Have you seen a counselor? Not only a drug counselor, but a therapist?

Along with that, I believe you not only need to start setting short term goals, but to also improve on your own self-worth. Sounds like you been putting your own self-worth into these guys who are abusive. When you do that, you will continue to abuse yourself even when they are gone. You need to find that inner strength of hope and push yourself forward.

What about the positives in your life? Can you give us a few that has happened since you left him?

[salsbury701]

I have been totally sober since I left him!! And I have to pat myself on the back for that because I was doing an 8ball a day of crack...which then switched over to about the same amount of crystal meth per day. I was actually high the day I got on the bus! But have not touched it since! Yay for me!

I saw a therapist for a while, but she retired after about my 3rd visit. See, I have MS and don't work...so the only coverage I have is Medicare and there are VERY few mental health professionals that accept medicare. When I actually find one that does, they aren't taking new patients. I've thought about admiting myself into a mental hospital, because I know from experience that they can't discharge you until you have an appointment with psychiatrist.

The good things? Well, I'm in a MUCH healthier relationship with someone now...and he knows how damaged I am and tries to help me as much as he can but there is only so much he can do. I've formed a bond with my long lost brother too. And I have some very good friends again that help keep me sane. It's just that none of that seems to make a huge inpact on me. Deep down I know I'm a really good person with a really fun sence of humor. But it's like my grandma used to say, "laughing on the outside but crying on the inside." That is exactly how I feel.