[salsbury701]

Prior to 16 months ago, I was in a complete self destruct mode. I married a man that I felt was the perfect man at the time. We were both recovering drug addicts and felt we could help one another stay clean...WRONG. Within 6 months we were buried in a coke addiction once again...and then the violence started. Within that 5 years I suffered a broken nose, NUMEROUS bruises all over my body and 2 choking attempts that left awful bruises on my neck. I finally just packed up all my stuff and hot on a bus headed back to my hometown...about 2,000 miles aways from him. Even after all of the physical and mental abuse, I wanted to go back so badly. But it got easier over time, and in May our divorce will be final. I thought that my mental state would improve being away from that drama...but it's slowly getting worse. I don't trust anyone and I have absolutely NO self esteem whatsoever...and thoughts of suicide enter my mind a little too often. I don't miss him...not at all. It's just that something inside of me has gotten so messed up and I don't know how to get better. I've never been able to understand how being in a relationship like that can damage someone in this way. I know that I'm not the "fat ass whore" he used to love to call me on a daily basis...but I just feel so hopeless sometimes. Can someone help me? Any input is totally welcome...

[salsbury701]

I have been totally sober since I left him!! And I have to pat myself on the back for that because I was doing an 8ball a day of crack...which then switched over to about the same amount of crystal meth per day. I was actually high the day I got on the bus! But have not touched it since! Yay for me!

I saw a therapist for a while, but she retired after about my 3rd visit. See, I have MS and don't work...so the only coverage I have is Medicare and there are VERY few mental health professionals that accept medicare. When I actually find one that does, they aren't taking new patients. I've thought about admiting myself into a mental hospital, because I know from experience that they can't discharge you until you have an appointment with psychiatrist.

The good things? Well, I'm in a MUCH healthier relationship with someone now...and he knows how damaged I am and tries to help me as much as he can but there is only so much he can do. I've formed a bond with my long lost brother too. And I have some very good friends again that help keep me sane. It's just that none of that seems to make a huge inpact on me. Deep down I know I'm a really good person with a really fun sence of humor. But it's like my grandma used to say, "laughing on the outside but crying on the inside." That is exactly how I feel.