The night before everything changed we were fine, the weeks before had been stressful for other reasons, but we were strong together.
I was looking through some photos on my camera last night from just a few weeks ago and there are happy pictures of us. My friends and family have said that you just don't throw away 9 years overnight, so I don't understand how she looks so happy if she was so unhappy with me.
Without question not seeing it coming is what makes it so hard. If a breakup follows a meeting of the minds it's still immensely stressful but there's still a cushion of understanding to help deal with the loss. Having a relationship you thought was secure pulled out from under you is annihalating.
Yes, definitely. When my ex left me I went into shock for a couple of weeks. It took another 3 months to fully understand that the relationship was over. And 4 months on, I still catch myself trying to figure out how to work things out - and then I have to pull myself out of that circular way of thinking and remind myself that there is nothing I can do - it's over. It's the hardest thing to understand and accept, but that is all we can do in the end. Just know that your partner doesn't want to be with you any more, and that a relationship needs two people in order to work. I was also dealing with immense stress from other areas in my life in the months before my ex leaving me. I now look back and realise that I was fighting a lot with him because he wasn't giving me the support I needed - crap was happening in my life, and I was upset with him because he wasn't making things any easier for me. I realise how that it's because he had a foot out the door - he wasn't there for me, because all that time he must have been considering leaving the relationship. He lied to me and so I could never have predicted that he was going to leave, because even just days before he did leave he was still telling me that we were going to get married and buy a house, etc. But when I think about it - I was really unhappy and it was because he was not committed to me. And when I miss him (which is often), I try to remember that I wasn't really happy, because he wasn't really committed. And if he wasn't really committed to making this work, then it was just a matter of time before he would have left. So, better to find out now than later. 9 years is a long time, and I can't even begin to imagine how much pain you must be in right now, but better now than later. Better now when you're still young enough to start over and to find someone else, than when you're older or when you've got health issues or when there is some major trauma in your life. Take care.
I just feel so stupid and worthless over it all. We were everything to each other and now I don't feel like anybody, except a reject. My already low self confidence has gone spiraling to an all time low and I'm worried that I'm in a trap because I don't see how I can get any confidence back feeling like this.
It's been a really tough day, it's 7 weeks already and no signs of improvement.
We never argued. We always got along so well. I believed that this would work. There was never a doubt in my mind. Until he just stopped loving me. Reeling - that's the right word for it.
We never argued. We always got along so well. I believed that this would work. There was never a doubt in my mind. Until he just stopped loving me. Reeling - that's the right word for it.
It was the same with my ex and I.
All you can do is be strong, Kia Kaha.
It gets better with time. It may seem like theres no light at the end of the tunnel but you have to move on and if your destined to be your ex, itll happen eventually. Right now you need to focus on getting your life back together. Sometimes anything seems so hard to do after a breakup.
Sorry if any of this sounds too rude or condescending or something.
I just hate seeing people going through what I went through.
Life is too precious to waste away dwelling on our past. Although the past is important, we need to focus on the present and the future. I spent so much time slacking after the breakup that I lost all will to do well in university and now im struggling to stay on top.
By the way Kia - and everybody else, I guess - go get a good therapist! I have just started going to visit a proper therapist who specialises in grief, and it makes a huge difference. My previous counsellor was just a regular counsellor and he could listen to my problems, but that was about all. This new therapist has given me some real insight into my situation, and she also immediately said some things about my relationship which have put it into perspective for me. I didn't realise that getting the right type of therapist could make such a difference, but I really left my session yesterday feeling much better and that I may begin to understand what I've been through.
People on this board have talked about being worried they're just dwelling on issues, or about people with circular thinking. I'm beginning to wonder if that circular thinking that we all seem trapped in is also from a lack of perspective or understanding of what we're actually going through. Anyway Kia - just wanted to encourage you to go and talk to someone.
Pigeonsid - I saw a counsellor today for the first time which helped a little. When I go back to NZ then I'm definately going to look into therapy.
I've actually had a good last day or so - I'm getting angry which my parents and friends see as a good sign. I've decided to take the situation into my control and tell her we're not moving in together and try to go it alone. It's f*cking well scary (new country with no job, house, friends), but I just realised she's pushed me too far now and I do deserve better.
yay for today!
When there are no obvious reasons for a break-up a woman does not just leave a d**k unless she has her hands firmly wrapped around another one! So consider yourself lucky that she went. She was not the right person for you anyway. Forget about therapy and all that jazz...a waste of money if you ask me! Just use your inner strength to switch her off completely from your life as if she had never existed. YOU CAN DO IT. Trust me. I've been through that **** and in my case, 17yrs marriage, 3 children and joint assets. I regret acting like a wuss at the beginning by trying to reason with her and asking for an explanation when I thought I was a very good husband. She even said that I was too nice. After that I just divorced her and started dating. You would be amazed how quickly you will forget about her and even become repulsed by the thought of her when you start going out with other much nicer women.
When there are no obvious reasons for a break-up a woman does not just leave a d**k unless she has her hands firmly wrapped around another one!
Maybe rather crudely put... however, in my experience with my friends, both male and female, this is true. More often than not when it's completely unexpected... it's usually because there either is already someone else... or they're interested in someone else and want to move along with that situ. Sorry but that's my experience (I'm female) and the experience of both my female (with men) and male (with women) friends.
When there are no obvious reasons for a break-up a woman does not just leave a d**k unless she has her hands firmly wrapped around another one!
That's a rediculous generalization! and simply not true.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nomad1
Forget about therapy and all that jazz...a waste of money if you ask me! Just use your inner strength to switch her off completely from your life as if she had never existed. YOU CAN DO IT. Trust me. I've been through that **** and in my case, 17yrs marriage, 3 children and joint assets.
Just because therapy is not right for YOU - doesn't make it not right for someone else. Just because YOU switched her off, doesn't mean someone else can just SWITCH OFF.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nomad1
I regret acting like a wuss at the beginning by trying to reason with her and asking for an explanation when I thought I was a very good husband. She even said that I was too nice. After that I just divorced her and started dating. You would be amazed how quickly you will forget about her and even become repulsed by the thought of her when you start going out with other much nicer women.
Take care
Nomad1
And you still sound bitter. Switched off? Are you so sure? Doesn't sound very much like you've "forgotten".......
Everyone deals with heartache and getting over someone in a diffirent way. Kia Kaha, did you really and honestly not see it coming - or deep down, did you not want to see the signs and see it coming? Be honest and think carefully.
We often only see that things we want to see - and pretend hard not to see what we don't want to.
Next time round (and yes, you will fall in love again) be more aware (I don't mean paranoid).
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