I'm new here, and I'm sure this topic has come up before, but I wanted to get some help with something. I've been seeing someone I met on-line for a bit over 2 months. We agreed to be exclusive early on, and things have been going well.
Thing is...I finally logged on last week to hide my profile on the dating site, and he happened to be on-line while I had logged in to hide my profile. Since then I've not been able to control my urge to check on him more frequently, but I search for men of his traits without logging in so he doesn't see that I've been there either. He's not on-line every day, which leads me to believe he's not communicating with anyone regularly. In fact, like clockwork, he seems to log in on the days the "Your New Matches" emails are sent out.
I'm not sure how to approach this with him, without it sounding like I was checking up on him, but my feeling is that if you're in an exclusive relationship with someone, you shouldn't be on-line. I read where someone said it may be an ego boost, or just "fun" to read some of the messages you get from people, but I can't help but feel like I'm the good for now girl....that he's just waiting or looking for something he's not getting from me.
He's given me no reason outside of this to feel like he's searching elsewhere. Frankly, the guy is entirely too busy to have another woman in his life, but it appears he's still looking, and I know that this cannot be a sexual/exclusive relationship if that's really the case, because it doesn't work for me....I can't allow myself to have sex with someone who appears to be looking for someone else.
So at this point, I know I need to find out what his ideas of "exclusivity" are, and to make sure they are in line with my own. I'm just not sure how to approach this topic with him without sounding accusatory, or defensive. If he wants to date others, that's fine, but no sex, and I'm also going to date others...so I deserve to know where he is in this.
If anyone has any suggestions, I'd really appreciate your thoughts.
From what people tell me, since I've never used an online dating site, they can be addictive, for ego validation. Regardless if he's actively looking, is someone who deliberately seeks out this kind of validation, the type of person you want? Will it always cause you to wonder?
Food for thought. I know I wouldn't want someone like this.
__________________ Think, think, think... -Winnie the Pooh
Well I don't know that he's looking for ego validation, it was just something that was suggested in another thread on the board. I'm just not sure how to approach this topic with him.
"Hi Honey, noticed you were online at abc dating site, quite a few times. Any reason why? I must admit to being curious and a little concerned."
Don't ever be afraid to lose someone over reasonable questions. If he gets hissy, there's usually a reason why, whether he's too arrogant to be questioned or there's some guilt involved. If the two of you are in an "exclusive" relationship, there's absolutely no reason to be accessing a dating site.
The relationship developed too fast. He may still have residual curiosity. He may need an ego boost. He may not be into you but likes the benefits (aka sex)
If you're prepared to accept the consequences, just ask him straight out for what you want. His response will be telling as to the health of the relationship.
As an example, on my MySpace page, I'm listed as married looking for friends. My wife and I are in MC and our marriage may be in jeopardy. I won't change my profile to "single" until a divorce is final, if that's what happens. That's honesty. Look for that. It's a good thing
Don't ever be afraid to lose someone over reasonable questions. If he gets hissy, there's usually a reason why, whether he's too arrogant to be questioned or there's some guilt involved. If the two of you are in an "exclusive" relationship, there's absolutely no reason to be accessing a dating site.
I agree completely. TBF's suggested inquiry is a good one too.
__________________
...and I feel like I'm naked in front of a crowd,
'cause these words are my diary screaming out loud,
and I know that you'll use them however you want to...
Simply ask him what the status of his profile is on the dating site. Afterall, you both met through an online site, so it would be natural to be curious as to what he's doing now on that site. Ask him if he is still active, or if he checks for messages from prospective matches.
See if he tells you the truth. You know he's been on.
If he says he's been on and didn't know he shouldn't be doing that, then have the discussion about exclusivity with him. Tell him why you chosen to have hide your profile. The last paragraph of your post is worded perfectly. Say that.
Open a dialogue. Don't tell him you snooped. You might want to check up on him later to see if his words match his actions. (I would, you don't know him yet, still evaluating.)
Now, he might be afraid of losing you and might initially say, "No, I don't go on there anymore," and then immediately after your exclusivity talk go and delete/hide his profile. See if he does that. It would be the right thing to do.
Bottom line. Once you two have agreed to be exclusive, he shouldn't be chatting up other women.
The relationship developed too fast. He may still have residual curiosity. He may need an ego boost. He may not be into you but likes the benefits (aka sex)
If you're prepared to accept the consequences, just ask him straight out for what you want. His response will be telling as to the health of the relationship.
As an example, on my MySpace page, I'm listed as married looking for friends. My wife and I are in MC and our marriage may be in jeopardy. I won't change my profile to "single" until a divorce is final, if that's what happens. That's honesty. Look for that. It's a good thing
It maybe honesty but it's also a form of sabotage, to your marriage. Shouldn't you be "all in", for a real try?
I've done the online dating and a few relationships come out of that. Once I was interested enough in someone to see them for a month, I'd definitely hide my profile and basically stopped logging in.
1) For selfish reasons, if the relationship didn't work out, I had not had to turn anyone down that I might regret later.
2) It's the decent thing to do.
It seems like if he's still logging in, then he's not ready to be exclusive. That's ok as long as he's not telling you he wants to be exclusive. Once he's said he wants to be exclusive, he needs to shut down the online dating operations. There's just no reason to keep logging in after that point unless you want to cheat.
Confront him and talk to him about it. Clarify the "exclusivity" of the relationship and let him know that you're not ok with being exclusive with someone who still browses the online personals.
Of course, for you to know that he's online that much, you'd have to be online, too, and he may throw that back at you, even though your intentions were spelled out clearly to us here. He may not buy it.
Last edited by NuTuDating; 25th March 2008 at 1:06 PM.
It maybe honesty but it's also a form of sabotage, to your marriage. Shouldn't you be "all in", for a real try?
Thanks Star.
My MySpace page was originally created in order to share my tour research with my wife's Keith Urban friends, who are predominantly female, and long before any marital issues arose. Some of them have remained as mutual friends. Any who know me know I have clear boundaries when it comes to female friends, so no negative aspects obtain.
Atypical? Probably. I use MySpace to share my travelogues and philosophical musings with the world, not to hook up with people. I have plenty of friends IRL.
Last edited by carhill; 25th March 2008 at 1:11 PM.
...but I search for men of his traits without logging in so he doesn't see that I've been there either. He's not on-line every day, which leads me to believe he's not communicating with anyone regularly. In fact, like clockwork, he seems to log in on the days the "Your New Matches" emails are sent out.
I'm not sure how to approach this with him, without it sounding like I was checking up on him, but my feeling is that if you're in an exclusive relationship with someone, you shouldn't be on-line.
I'm a bit confused... Since you're on-line looking at profiles and actively hiding it from him, doesn't that mean your actions don't sync with your "feeling"??
How about trying to be honest with yourself before accusing someone else?
__________________
When you were yourself it tasted sweet
But it sours into a routine deceit
Well this drama is a bore
And I don't want to play no more - Third Eye Blind
Saxis, I think you misunderstood my statement. I haven't been searching to "browse" other men. Since I first noticed he had been on-line, I was searching for his profile only. Believe me, I'm completely honest with myself, consequently knowing that I cannot have a sexual relationship with this man if he's still actively searching for matches.
My gut feeling tells me that Cahill may be on the mark...things moved a bit too fast and he still has that curiosity. Bottom line, even if its just curiosity, the other posters are right, if he's in an exclusive relationship with me, there's no reason for him to be there, and if he's not ready for an exclusive relationship, then I need to know.
Saxis, I think you misunderstood my statement. I haven't been searching to "browse" other men. Since I first noticed he had been on-line, I was searching for his profile only. Believe me, I'm completely honest with myself, consequently knowing that I cannot have a sexual relationship with this man if he's still actively searching for matches.
My gut feeling tells me that Cahill may be on the mark...things moved a bit too fast and he still has that curiosity. Bottom line, even if its just curiosity, the other posters are right, if he's in an exclusive relationship with me, there's no reason for him to be there, and if he's not ready for an exclusive relationship, then I need to know.
Ahh yes, I misunderstood, sorry. It sounded like you were browsing other profiles, not looking for his.
I agree, 2 months from an on-line meeting would be a fast "exclusive" deal. Chance that he agreed to exclusiveness while being unsure, but didn't want to risk throwing it away so early? I think your only option is to bring it up calmly like has been suggested. Definitely don't accuse him of anything, but I see him taking it that way and firing back an accusation about why YOU were on the site as well. At least you'll know for sure. You had a valid excuse to be there at least...
I have little advice to add but just wanted to say that I hear where you're coming from. Curse these dating sites that let you see what people are up to!
In all seriousness, if you had a talk about exclusivity, then I think you have every right to ask him if he's still logging in and talking to people. Good luck.
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