Planning this wedding is becoming so complicated, so expensive, and so time-intensive I feel like I am going to SNAP. I am looking for bridges to jump off of.
I'm so flustered, I don't even want a wedding anymore. Nothing is worth this amount of expense and stress. We're entering a recession -- spending so much money is a BAD thing right now. (Yes, I'm trying to plan it all myself -- can't afford a planner.) So getting married in a Vegas drive thru sounds REALLY tempting!
While discussing my concerns with my fiancé, he said that we MUST have the wedding. It's for the family. It's not for us -- it's for our families. Eloping would be selfish. We don't have a choice. He said getting married without a wedding party for our families is not an option. (I was surprised to hear this answer from him ... he was talking about eloping last week, so it was a dramatic change in opinion.)
I honestly don't know the etiquette about this. So I wanted to ask ...
Considering the massive financial burden and the huge amount of time (and talent) involved for the bride to plan a wedding ...
If a couple announces an engagement, are they required to have a wedding for their families if they don't want one?
I've always looked at it this way - the marriage is for you, the wedding is for your family & friends.
Set the date, don't make a big deal out of it and just invite people to show up, if they can't make it then they can see pictures later.
Set a budget for a party (aka reception) and stick to it. If that means you BBQ then do that.
If you are your guy can't agree on how you are getting married and what is most important to each of you now, there will be even more trouble ahead.
Is he doing anything to help with this?
Go ahead and have a very small ceremony - Civil ceremonies are OK. Or fly to Vegas and have some fun. You can relax when you get back and just have a party.
The only etiquette for this is do not register for gifts anywhere. If you are registering for gifts and/or expect to receive a lot of gifts - especially high-ticket items, then those giving them are going to expect a wedding and reception of the same caliber. Thus, the wedding/reception is for Them - not you.
If a couple announces an engagement, are they required to have a wedding for their families if they don't want one?
No, of course there is no obligation for a couple to do something just for other family members, ever! But in your specific case, your fiancé DOES want a wedding...albeit for what may well be inaccurate beliefs and misguided reasons.
Have you wondered about your reasons for accepting all the responsibility for planning it? Even if it IS something you also want, doesn't mean it all has to be dumped on your shoulders.
Set your limits about how much time and talent you can devote without growing resentful, and stick to it. If he wants something that requires more time and talent to put together, let him contribute his own efforts.
__________________
"They always say that time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself." ~ Andy Warhol
I'm getting married in May and was initially very worried about the expense, planning, etc., involved.
So far, I'm really happy with the way things are going. It's going to be a small wedding, 20-25 people, only our closest friends and relatives. I think that would be better for us than being overwhelmed by dozens of people, particularly ones we aren't very close to.
For the reception, we're probably going to have something buffet-style outside at a friends' house. It should be entirely relaxed and fun. I really can't imagine doing it any other way.
Besides, we are worried about money and would rather put something towards a house than on a big party. The day is really just for the two of us. We want some people to celebrate with us, but the whole point is me and him being married and starting the rest of our lives together...Not spending a ton of money we don't have.
Most women, myself included, go into planning a wedding, thinking it will be fun! Well...it's way more work, than fun.
Why not allocate a portion of the tasks to your fiancé? If he's determined to have a princess wedding, he can help too. Also, the balance of your wedding party should be put to good use and that includes the parents on both sides, if they're keen on helping. This way, when you allocate responsibilities, you can spend your time directing traffic and ensuring that it runs smoothly.
As to whom the wedding is for, if someone else is paying for it, they do have a say in the matter. If you're paying for the entire wedding on your own, elope!
__________________ Get busy living or get busy dying!
(From a guy) A wedding should be about you two as a couple, and it seems that you might be happier keeping it small, afterall it is YOUR wedding and your family (and the other assorted people you know that you might invite) can just live with decision.
I'm not saying run away or anything, just think about it seriously. Do you really want a wedding with a whole bunch of people, getting drunk, making fools of themselves etc? Or do you want a smaller, romantic wedding?
Just do what makes you happy
__________________ "Society, have mercy on me, I hope you're not angry if I disagree. Society, crazy and deep, I hope you're not lonely without me..."
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
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