I got into an emotional affair with a co-worker. We are both married and each have children. We became very good friends, met privately after flirting in a pub together with other co-workers, and confided feelings for each other that extended beyond friendship. We met in secret several times over the course of a month. I gave her small presents (candies) and cards, and a nice Valentine's gift. Lots of e-mails at work, flirting and checking in with her. She had self-esteem issues, and I felt like I was making her feel better.
We took things beyond friendship once after Valentine's, parked and made out. She told her friend I was an awesome kisser, and we were very, very happy. I was pretty caught up and didn't know where this was all going, but it was terribly exciting.
One of our co-workers phoned her husband and told him to look into me shortly after Valentine's. He did, and accessed her work e-mail - she had given him her password a long time ago - and printed everything off. He interrogated her first w/o disclosing the e-mails, and the next night, after she'd e-mailed me to say he knew and we'd shared some final thoughts, confronted her with everything.
He left but is back, and she's determined to make her marriage work. He came by my house here last week and showed my wife the e-mails. I'd told her most everything, but the nasty bits from the e-mails...I don't even remember what I wrote.
Anyhow, the affair is over, and we're all paying the marriage and personal counsellors our not-quite-divorce penalities. We haven't really spoken much, except that she's saying she needs to make her marriage work and I'm doing the same. The kids don't know; neither do the others at work. She has a confidante friend at work, and I have another, and they are keeping quiet.
I am feeling many things, not the least of which enormous guilt towards her husband, who had started to be a friend of mine, so the betrayal is double. I feel horrible guilt every time I see my wife and we cry often. It's been a full month since the rupture with her, but I still think of her often and wish we could be friends, but know that won't really be possible - or will it?
She's gone on a holiday with her husband - part of the fixing, I think - for a couple of weeks here and then I'm taking some time off and going away with my wife for a week. I've lost 15 pounds over this and I am trying to relieve stress through exercise, but I am continuing to think about her often.
I know we didn't sleep together, but there was real intimacy between us. She has quite readily gotten over the fling, but I have not so much.
So my questions are these:
(1) How do I stop obsessing about her?
(2) Do I apologize to her husband or just let it go?
(3) What kind of relationship - if any - can I expect to have with her once this storm blows over?
As the wife of someone who had an emotional affair which sounds very similar to yours, can I just say, I think you're asking the wrong questions.
Your FIRST concern right now has to be making things up to your wife. you should have NO other worries, least of all about what kind of relationship you'll eventually have with the other woman. She's gone back to her marriage and you should do the same, given that that's the commitment you all decided to make.
In fairness to your wife, you shouldn't even contemplate any kind of relationship - even if "just friends" - with her. You should make it clear to your wife that you messed up and all you want is to feel close with her again, and work at that. Figure out why you went elsewhere - to get your ego fed? Because she made you feel good and your wife wasn't? Whatever it is, get to the bottom of that, and forget worrying about her. It's the only way this will work out for you. And forget about apologizing to the husband; it's moot. That's his wife's responsibility.
My husband has spent too much time trying to patch things up with the woman with whom he had an emotional affair (in his office) and it never fails to anger me that he didn't put that much effort into normalizing things between us. I eventually ended up leaving him. He did come after me and we're now seeking counselling, but you could avoid a lot of hardship by simply paying attention to your hurting spouse right now - your pain should be secondary.
(1) How do I stop obsessing about her?
(2) Do I apologize to her husband or just let it go?
(3) What kind of relationship - if any - can I expect to have with her once this storm blows over?
1. By having as little contact with her as possible. The less you see of her the better off you will be. Put that emotional energy toward your own marriage.
2. No, don't do that. Not for a long time. He does not want your apology. He wants you to drop off the face of the earth (probably worse, as well).
3. None. Period.
__________________ No man chooses evil because it is evil; he only mistakes it for happiness, the good he seeks. --Mary Wollstonecraft
I have experience with both EA and PA, but the damage to the marriage can be just as bad with both -- depending on how the WS behaves.
I understand that you still have feelings for your OW because you can't just flick a switch and turn that off. But understand this -- it is OVER. You have no choice but to act like you never even became friendly with one another. The most important reason is because that will be an absolute necessity for both marriages to heal and for you and the OW to move on. But in addition, you need to understand that there is no future for you and OW -- not as friends or anything else -- you both forfeited the right to your friendship when you let things go too far. You blew it and this is the consequence of that.
What you are longing for is a fantasy life. A place where you feel wanted, that nothing is asked of you, that your every thought is interesting, that you are involved with a person who embodies your ideals, that you have found your soulmate, blah, blah blah. You and thousands of others. Affairs give you that beginning of the relationship high, but on steriods. That isn't real life, and that is what was so attractive.
I recently suggested that many men get involved in affairs because of the friendship. They long for a friendship where they are not judged, but admired and where they can divulge all their insecurities and unhappiness. But most men will never say those things to another man. They feel more comfortable saying them to a woman who gives them the "poor baby, let me make it feel better" treatment. That creates intimacy and leads to the desire for more intimacy.
You are looking for something you need, but you won't find it with OW.
We took things beyond friendship once after Valentine's, parked and made out. She told her friend I was an awesome kisser, and we were very, very happy. I was pretty caught up and didn't know where this was all going, but it was terribly exciting.
You should be thankful that you were caught, because according to your above statements, it was definately on the path to a nearby motel near work.
Why are you so focused on her now. What about your wife? Shouldn't all your energy focus on your wife and fixing your marriage instead.
Consider seeking some counselling for yourself to help you cope and decide what it is you want to do with your marriage. Has the MW replaced the feelings of love for your wife?
Hey U9 - was wandering how you were doing? Its been a couple of weeks now. Has things been easier for you - has time been a healer for you?
Hope you are doing well.
Hey U9. Smartgirl really hit the nail on the head about this. I laughed about the description of the relationship high, on steroids. Very good. I have also had it described as MW or MM Alpha crack.
Same boat for me U9. You have heard the answers to your questions. They are right. N/C will help with the obsessing. Stay away from triggers. I have had to delete a WHOLE lot of songs/artists because they just trigger thoughts. Stuff like that.
Leave the BH alone. You never know the reaction you will get. If he wants to contact you, THEN you can apologise. But don't contact him, because he might take it the wrong way. That was the advice I got when I wanted to contact my former friend and BW of my XOM. In the end SHE sent me a letter and I got to reply and apologise.
Thirdly, sorry mate. No chance of any relationship. Nothing. I feel for you, because your words are v similiar to my XOM. He always said it was our friendship that meant the most to him. Whenever I tried to break up with him in the past, he always said 'fine, but I want my friend back'. Smartgirl is right about the friendship side. Its pretty sad to loose someone you considered a friend.
Lastly, I may get some grief for saying this, but I noticed you said that you are sure she has moved on and that you are the only one struggling. If you know the feelings were real on both sides, you can rest assured she is also suffering. I am suffering, and I am sure my XOM is suffering too. But guess what, the BW and BH are suffering much much more. Remember that.
But the biggest point, is you need to focus on your M and your W. My H has stood beside me through this. I now see him with different eyes. What I didn't realise was that even after it was over (its been 3 months since mine blew up) that I would struggle with the addiction of the 'fantasy' for some time afterwards.
Focus on yourself and your W. Make it right with her. Every time you think of your OW, bring your mind back to the present, look at your W, smile, give her a hug. Bring yourself BACK. Its hard. But it can be done. Good luck.
What you are longing for is a fantasy life. A place where you feel wanted, that nothing is asked of you, that your every thought is interesting, that you are involved with a person who embodies your ideals, that you have found your soulmate, blah, blah blah. You and thousands of others. Affairs give you that beginning of the relationship high, but on steriods. That isn't real life, and that is what was so attractive.
I recently suggested that many men get involved in affairs because of the friendship. They long for a friendship where they are not judged, but admired and where they can divulge all their insecurities and unhappiness. But most men will never say those things to another man. They feel more comfortable saying them to a woman who gives them the "poor baby, let me make it feel better" treatment. That creates intimacy and leads to the desire for more intimacy.
You are looking for something you need, but you won't find it with OW.
So where DOES he find it? With his W (with whom it was apparently missing in the first place, otherwise he would never have strayed)? Within himself? Does he just need to "fake it til he makes it" in the M?
And how in the world does a BS compete with all the "draws" you mentioned about the A? Those are some very powerful draws.
I sincerely admire couples who are able to successfully overcome infidelity. I have absolutely no idea how they do it. I always wonder, are they faking their newfound happiness?
Smartgirl's posts have always resonated with the truth, for me at least.
When I'm trying to get over something and move forward, it always helps me to "picture" what a good outcome would be. Would this same technique help a WS repair his M and his life after an A? If so, what do YOU picture as a good outcome from all this, U9?
__________________
"There are still too many days when I'm the only woman in the room." -Nancy Pelosi
So where DOES he find it? With his W (with whom it was apparently missing in the first place, otherwise he would never have strayed)? Within himself? Does he just need to "fake it til he makes it" in the M?
And how in the world does a BS compete with all the "draws" you mentioned about the A? Those are some very powerful draws.
I sincerely admire couples who are able to successfully overcome infidelity. I have absolutely no idea how they do it. I always wonder, are they faking their newfound happiness?
Smartgirl's posts have always resonated with the truth, for me at least.
When I'm trying to get over something and move forward, it always helps me to "picture" what a good outcome would be. Would this same technique help a WS repair his M and his life after an A? If so, what do YOU picture as a good outcome from all this, U9?
Open Book - I am asking myself these same questions right now, two months into recovery following an EA with a male coworker.
Recovering from an EA is like trying to sober up after a night of wild and reckless drinking fun. Part of me knows I have to "sober up" but part of me does not want to let go of the "fun" in fantasy land.
Euphoric state vs. cold, hard reality. Which would you choose?
I know it is critical to the survival of the marriage to return to the "sober" state, to the place I "escaped" from when I entered the EA. No, it's not a pleasant place, and it's worse off now due to the EA. Right now fantasy land looks like an oasis, and the marriage looks like a barren desert wasteland.
Recovery makes you take a cold hard look at the reality of a troubled marriage. Who wants to give up euphoria to do that? It's definitely not an enticing, attractive proposition.
But if the goal is to save the marriage then it is imperative that you roll up your sleeves and get prepared to do alot of hard work. Definitely not fun, but worth the effort if you truly value the marriage, love your spouse and want to honor the committment...and realize that you have been given a second chance and it may be your last chance.
Yet, I still struggle trying to let go of the OM ghost and the memories that haunt me, yet, are still capable of wisking me away into that euphoric fantasy land.
The fantasy land is still more enticing than the sober state at times. Sometimes I fight it. Sometimes I don't, and I let myself drift back into the fantasy. I still try to keep memories and feelings "alive" from the affair. Some days it still consumes me and sets me back every time. And every time this happens I slap myself and say, "You NEED to let go." I snap out of it and look around at the reality of the situation. I "sober" up. I see that the OM and the fantasy are gone. I still grieve the loss.
Recovery is hard because you are actually in two recovery processes. As a WS you are trying to recover from the pain of losing the OW/OM, just as you would any relationship "break up." At the same time you are trying to recover your marriage which has been dealt a huge blow from the affair in addition to all the other problems that weakened the marriage in the first place.
The two are not always symbiotic. It's hard to work on a marriage in the midst of grieving over the loss of an affair. It's a struggle. I am hoping that as time goes on, memories of the OM and fantasy land will fade, problems in the marriage will diminish, the marriage will start to look more attractive, and my husband and I will find the connection that we lost. We are working on it. It's going to take alot of time, effort and patience.
We just completed a weekend program called Retrouvaille, It's a faith-based recovery program for troubled marriages. The program is based on a communication technique designed to help couples "reconnect" emotionally. The goal of the program is for couples to re-commit to their marriages, rather than throw in the towel and head to divorce court.
The program did make us look at what "positive outcome" can result from making a decision to love your spouse again and recommit to the marriage. It gave us alot of hope and encouragement, both of which are important in order to keep taking those tiny baby steps towards recovery.
Mansbestfriend and SmartGirl - Very insightful posts..every word, so true.
(1) How do I stop obsessing about her?
(2) Do I apologize to her husband or just let it go?
(3) What kind of relationship - if any - can I expect to have with her once this storm blows over?
Thanks.
Possible answers to your questions:
1. It takes time. What you obssessing is chemically induced likened to a drug addict to drugs. The excitement of the affair which involved intense secrecy compounded by the newness of such camoflaged relationship must affairers often miscontrue as "love". Yet they fail to distuguish the difference from genuine love, created not by cheating and at the expense of their wife/husband's misery.
Like a drug addict, the exposure of your affair is likened to pulling the needle before getting your next high. The result is withdrawal. It takes time. And like an addict, you will experience momentary lapses which are the urges to call even, yes even, as you put it calling the OW's husband to apologize. Why for? How do you think your wife would react if your x OW shows up at your doorstep to apologize? If I were your wife I'd have her arrested for trespassing.
So the answer to your question, is LET IT GO. Your betrayed will see no benefit and would only make matters worse. Any apologies owed is to your wife by you.
3. Relationship? Are you kidding? Who are you to think that any good will result out of it? Listen to yourself and to this. This is the thought process of a drug addict. Remember what I said? RELAPSE.
A drug addict would probably say "I promise I won't inject myself with the drugs. I just want to see it". STAY AWAY. If you have any remorse OR intentions of regaining your wife's trust and saving your marriage, stay away from that drug which is what an affair is---an addiction.
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
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