I got into an emotional affair with a co-worker. We are both married and each have children. We became very good friends, met privately after flirting in a pub together with other co-workers, and confided feelings for each other that extended beyond friendship. We met in secret several times over the course of a month. I gave her small presents (candies) and cards, and a nice Valentine's gift. Lots of e-mails at work, flirting and checking in with her. She had self-esteem issues, and I felt like I was making her feel better.
We took things beyond friendship once after Valentine's, parked and made out. She told her friend I was an awesome kisser, and we were very, very happy. I was pretty caught up and didn't know where this was all going, but it was terribly exciting.
One of our co-workers phoned her husband and told him to look into me shortly after Valentine's. He did, and accessed her work e-mail - she had given him her password a long time ago - and printed everything off. He interrogated her first w/o disclosing the e-mails, and the next night, after she'd e-mailed me to say he knew and we'd shared some final thoughts, confronted her with everything.
He left but is back, and she's determined to make her marriage work. He came by my house here last week and showed my wife the e-mails. I'd told her most everything, but the nasty bits from the e-mails...I don't even remember what I wrote.
Anyhow, the affair is over, and we're all paying the marriage and personal counsellors our not-quite-divorce penalities. We haven't really spoken much, except that she's saying she needs to make her marriage work and I'm doing the same. The kids don't know; neither do the others at work. She has a confidante friend at work, and I have another, and they are keeping quiet.
I am feeling many things, not the least of which enormous guilt towards her husband, who had started to be a friend of mine, so the betrayal is double. I feel horrible guilt every time I see my wife and we cry often. It's been a full month since the rupture with her, but I still think of her often and wish we could be friends, but know that won't really be possible - or will it?
She's gone on a holiday with her husband - part of the fixing, I think - for a couple of weeks here and then I'm taking some time off and going away with my wife for a week. I've lost 15 pounds over this and I am trying to relieve stress through exercise, but I am continuing to think about her often.
I know we didn't sleep together, but there was real intimacy between us. She has quite readily gotten over the fling, but I have not so much.
So my questions are these:
(1) How do I stop obsessing about her?
(2) Do I apologize to her husband or just let it go?
(3) What kind of relationship - if any - can I expect to have with her once this storm blows over?
As the wife of someone who had an emotional affair which sounds very similar to yours, can I just say, I think you're asking the wrong questions.
Your FIRST concern right now has to be making things up to your wife. you should have NO other worries, least of all about what kind of relationship you'll eventually have with the other woman. She's gone back to her marriage and you should do the same, given that that's the commitment you all decided to make.
In fairness to your wife, you shouldn't even contemplate any kind of relationship - even if "just friends" - with her. You should make it clear to your wife that you messed up and all you want is to feel close with her again, and work at that. Figure out why you went elsewhere - to get your ego fed? Because she made you feel good and your wife wasn't? Whatever it is, get to the bottom of that, and forget worrying about her. It's the only way this will work out for you. And forget about apologizing to the husband; it's moot. That's his wife's responsibility.
My husband has spent too much time trying to patch things up with the woman with whom he had an emotional affair (in his office) and it never fails to anger me that he didn't put that much effort into normalizing things between us. I eventually ended up leaving him. He did come after me and we're now seeking counselling, but you could avoid a lot of hardship by simply paying attention to your hurting spouse right now - your pain should be secondary.
(1) How do I stop obsessing about her?
(2) Do I apologize to her husband or just let it go?
(3) What kind of relationship - if any - can I expect to have with her once this storm blows over?
1. By having as little contact with her as possible. The less you see of her the better off you will be. Put that emotional energy toward your own marriage.
2. No, don't do that. Not for a long time. He does not want your apology. He wants you to drop off the face of the earth (probably worse, as well).
3. None. Period.
__________________ No man chooses evil because it is evil; he only mistakes it for happiness, the good he seeks. --Mary Wollstonecraft
I have experience with both EA and PA, but the damage to the marriage can be just as bad with both -- depending on how the WS behaves.
I understand that you still have feelings for your OW because you can't just flick a switch and turn that off. But understand this -- it is OVER. You have no choice but to act like you never even became friendly with one another. The most important reason is because that will be an absolute necessity for both marriages to heal and for you and the OW to move on. But in addition, you need to understand that there is no future for you and OW -- not as friends or anything else -- you both forfeited the right to your friendship when you let things go too far. You blew it and this is the consequence of that.
What you are longing for is a fantasy life. A place where you feel wanted, that nothing is asked of you, that your every thought is interesting, that you are involved with a person who embodies your ideals, that you have found your soulmate, blah, blah blah. You and thousands of others. Affairs give you that beginning of the relationship high, but on steriods. That isn't real life, and that is what was so attractive.
I recently suggested that many men get involved in affairs because of the friendship. They long for a friendship where they are not judged, but admired and where they can divulge all their insecurities and unhappiness. But most men will never say those things to another man. They feel more comfortable saying them to a woman who gives them the "poor baby, let me make it feel better" treatment. That creates intimacy and leads to the desire for more intimacy.
You are looking for something you need, but you won't find it with OW.
We took things beyond friendship once after Valentine's, parked and made out. She told her friend I was an awesome kisser, and we were very, very happy. I was pretty caught up and didn't know where this was all going, but it was terribly exciting.
You should be thankful that you were caught, because according to your above statements, it was definately on the path to a nearby motel near work.
Why are you so focused on her now. What about your wife? Shouldn't all your energy focus on your wife and fixing your marriage instead.
Consider seeking some counselling for yourself to help you cope and decide what it is you want to do with your marriage. Has the MW replaced the feelings of love for your wife?
First of all, thanks to the posters since March...I had been away and hadn't been checking this post...your thoughts are especially appreciated and, given the time and distance, fully on the mark.
All of your comments are bang on. I did not make any contact with the OM, and am glad for that. I have been keeping NC for some time, with a few incidental contacts which confused me.
Just this week, I had a bad incident, however; I reached out and discussed some professional things with her, and we chatted. I sent a (long) thank you note to her afterwards, thanking her for what we shared and keeping the door ajar.
She sent an angry e-mail reply, making it clear while we were friends, we can't be any longer, and the door should not be left ajar, b/c there can't be anything more.
I am sad at being a schmuck, breaking NC and leaving it with a sour taste. On the other hand, she is very reserved, and she hasn't been that clear before about how this would go, except that I knew it, and now I have that clarity and it has helped me finally shut that door.
I am still a bit confused; I don't know why she opened this door in the first place if she didn't want it open, and I blame myself for allowing it to open at all...in a different time or place I would have slammed it shut, but it was a difficult time for me.
I have been spending more time and communicating very honestly with my W, and that is paying dividends. We made some honest talk about why we ended up where we were, and we are no longer.
I have been spending more time and communicating very honestly with my W, and that is paying dividends. We made some honest talk about why we ended up where we were, and we are no longer.
Really? Did you tell your wife about this:
"I reached out and discussed some professional things with her, and we chatted. I sent a (long) thank you note to her afterwards, thanking her for what we shared and keeping the door ajar."
Just this week, I had a bad incident, however; I reached out and discussed some professional things with her, and we chatted. I sent a (long) thank you note to her afterwards, thanking her for what we shared and keeping the door ajar.
She sent an angry e-mail reply, making it clear while we were friends, we can't be any longer, and the door should not be left ajar, b/c there can't be anything more.
I am sad at being a schmuck, breaking NC and leaving it with a sour taste. On the other hand, she is very reserved, and she hasn't been that clear before about how this would go, except that I knew it, and now I have that clarity and it has helped me finally shut that door.
U9 - You reached out because you are still hanging on to the OW and were looking for some hope. The OW is a step ahead of you. She has let go and has shut the door. You now have the closure you need to do the same.
I am still a bit confused; I don't know why she opened this door in the first place if she didn't want it open, and I blame myself for allowing it to open at all...in a different time or place I would have slammed it shut, but it was a difficult time for me.
You BOTH opened the door because both of you were having a difficult time in your marriages. You were both in the "right" place at the "right" time" to reach out to each other for needs that were not being met in your marriages. You made her feel better and she made you feel better which led to the affair. You both have now made decisions to work on your marriages and that means the door that led to the affair needs to be closed permanently.
I know it is hard to do. You will have setbacks like this for some time to come, even if you never contact her again (hopefully you won't). Every time you long to see her or talk to her, remember two things: your decision to recommit to your wife AND your OW's decision to recommit to her husband. Respect both.
I know what you are going thru. I am going thru it, too. Good Luck.
My GOD, you're asking what relationship you could expect to have with her 'once this has all blown over'?? I cannot believe how you are disrespecting your W here - I literally cannot believe you put her through this, then complain mostly about your own stress and about a future R with the OW. Unbelievable.
I think that in your case you are 100% taking your poor W for granted and I dont think you have ANY conception of how miserable you have made your W - no understanding at all. You used up a lot more of your post complaining about how badly this had affected YOU. I think you are the type of man that would benefit from a separation to see how it would feel to live without your W and to understand how much you probably rely on her...maybe some of those major romantic feelings you have for the OW will be replaced by some longing for your W if you ended up losing her. And if you think to yourself 'I dont have feelings like that for my W', then D her and let her find a guy that'll truly love her in a way that you can't.
Taylor, thanks for the thoughtful post. You're bang on again...the door has been shut and I have to think of that recommitment to my marriage / her marriage.
Thanks for the harsh and welcome words; I know I've been selfish through this and needed to hear this. Part of getting past it, really. I am not normally selfish; usually the contrary, sincerely.
I have been unhappy, however, and when you're unhappy, you don't see things the same. Much happier every day, though.
You need to retrain your brain to not think about the MW. ANYTIME you start thinking about her, missing her or wondering - Replace those thoughts with your wife and how you can recapture the love between you two.
The MW is no longer a part of your life - Except at work...Which leads me to my next comment. Is it possible for you to transfer to another department or find another job? Another thing, the co-workers who know about you and MW - Don't talk to them about MW or affair at all. Those two people were your confidents and they were enablers. I have an aquaintance who cheated on her husband, a woman she worked with knew about it and kind of was her 'cover' at times, when D-Day came around not only did she have to leave her job, she had to end the friendship with the woman as well. Her husband asked her to, and she did.
Has your wife asked you to leave your job or have you offered to? I'm sure just knowing that the chances are good that you and MW WILL run into eachother at work, sends your wife up the wall.
If you want your marriage to be fixed it takes you both to put in 100%.
I reached out and discussed some professional things with her, and we chatted. I sent a (long) thank you note to her afterwards, thanking her for what we shared and keeping the door ajar.
I reached out and discussed some professional things with her, and we chatted. I sent a (long) thank you note to her afterwards, thanking her for what we shared and keeping the door ajar.
Yeah this was a big no-no. Don't reach out again. You got your closure so keep that door shut and locked. Throw away the key.
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