[E90Kitz721]

Hi everyone,

I've read quite a few posts here about people dealing with their own over-dependent parent(s) or their SO's over-dependent mothers. I'm the latter and it's been bothering me for a long time, but it's such a sensitive subject. I'm not sure how to communicate with him. Any help/insight is really appreciated!!

We've been dating for 1.5yrs. Although we haven't seriously talked about marriage (we're in our mid 20's and taking our time), I know this is not going to change years down the road if we are. Thus I feel I need to be prepared to evoke change or just accept...

My bf has been living with his single mom because she doesn't work, has very little savings, and has been depressed. I see that he's trying to be a good son supporting her in every way. She quit her last job soon after we started dating and couldn't motivate herself to find a job. Before then, she's been on and off jobs, off mostly. Although he'd encouraged her several times to find a job, networked for her to get interviews, she just got defensive, guilt tripped him, or made up excuses. He was starting a new business and his finances weren't stable either. So many times he said to me "it's be so much better if my mom got a job". Now, basically he's accepted that she isn't working and he's going to provide for her. Sometimes I feel that my BF feels responsible for her happiness, or the relationship mistakes she made in her life that made her alone, and he feels the need to compensate for her, almost as a "husband". They have joint account, he puts her name as co-owner of his startup business and issues her half of his paycheck, even though she doesn't work for the biz.

Aside from complete financial dependence, she is very emotionally tied to him-he is the only child. He's in the process of moving out now, which I'm really glad about. However, his mother is sad about it and tried to dissuade him. She still wants to buy a bed for him in her apt so he could sleep over sometimes. It makes him feel guilty that she's moving to a 1bedroom apt, and I think her guilt tripping is worsening it. He talks about (and told her) making enough money to buy her a house before he buys himself one. I'm not sure why but it really bothers me how much he's willing to do for her. I also think he's enabling her attachment to him... her "helplessness" totally hits home and tugs at his heart.

When he's home, his mother cooks and does all the house chores for him... when I stay over at their current shared apt, I feel like a child. I feel like she's enabling him to stay as a child under the same roof so that she feels like he needs her as much as she needs him. I don't know if I'm being absurd and jealous for no good reason. I really want to express how I feel because I feel that it's hindering his ability to be independent, which affects our relationship if we keep going. But I don't know how to bring it up tactfully. I've had this sour taste in my mouth for a long while and I don't think I can keep shutting one eye without developing serious resentment towards her.

Thanks so much if you've read all of it.

[Ronni_W]

There is another way of seeing it: The dynamics are such that your BF is in the Parent role and his mom is the Child (dependent on him for her financial and emotional needs.)

It is a codependent relationship. If you are going to resent the one, it would be fair to also resent the other. (Not that resentment will resolve anything, just that the situation doesn't justify blaming just one of them.)

I was your BF. How it plays out is that the Parent feels over-responsible, and develops ineffective coping skills (control, perfectionism, etc.) to help meet the Child's or Children's needs.
The dynamic in your relationship/marriage will look the same but it won't have ANYTHING to do with his mom. It will be about his need to be responsible and your need to have someone be responsible.

Already you are needing his mom to be responsible for what you perceive to be your BF's, and, by extension, your problem.
But as the saying goes, "opposites attract" ...his over-responsibility has attracted your under-responsibility, and vice versa. You and your BF are playing out a codependent relationship dynamic, too. (I know, it is harder to see when one is involved in it -- much easier to observe when it is going on "out there".)

When you get married, you will gain a Parent and your spouse will gain a Child. It happens all too often, since most of us are engaged in codependent relationships of one or another level of severity. You say you already do feel like a Child, with the two of them -- but it is still your BF who is in the Parent role there. It's not an age-thing but an energetic or dynamic-thing.

At this point, it doesn't really matter WHY he is over- and you are under-responsible. The excellent thing is that you've recognized it, and now know that you need to work together to pave the way for a long, happy and successful relationship together. It is your mutual problem, and his mom is just reflecting your own "stuff" back at you -- love, don't resent, her for that

You may wish to read 'Codependent No More' by Melody Beattie, and learn about yourself first. (Of course, you'll simultaneously be learning more about him, as well.) It'll help you to present what you learn in a loving, non-judgmental way, so that you can both learn to relate Adult-to-Adult. It always goes across easier when we say, "Look, this is about us," instead of, "Hey, here's your problem...and I need you to fix it!"

Best of luck -- it is sometimes tough work, but very important to a happy future.

[E90Kitz721]

I want to see if anyone else out there has advice or can share their own experience. I had a talk with him last night about his volatile career life and it's kept me up most of the the night.

I agree with Ronni's comment about being in a co-dependent relationship and he and his mom reversing roles. But I don't feel under-responsible or feel like a child because of it. I'm in grad school because I want to be more educated and make money to become more self-reliant, not because I hope some man will sweep me off my feet and provide everything for me.

He's incredibly smart and works really hard, probably more than most people his age. I'd understand it more if he were success-driven (which he is) and wants to have a stable career before settling down. However, he told me last night a major reason he's doing this is to (and I quote this) "buy his mom a house asap and make her suffer as little as possible". He sincerely feels guilty that she has moved in a smaller place because of him (something about him losing a lot of money years ago on investments). I feel that he has this huge guilt hanging over his head all his life because of how much of her pain she had shared with him that he cannot separate her happiness with his own. There are so many single moms out there able to support themselves and their kids. I don't believe he is at the age to feel this responsibility.

Is this healthy for his relationship with his SO? I know I'm not a selfish person but AM I BEING SELFISH HERE?

I'm really lost right now. I think it's quite natural for a woman to want some level of stability in her life, especially after all the commitment she's put into the relationship, is it not? I don't think I will have that anytime soon. I know I'm young and have a lot going for me, but if we're not going toward the same goal at the same time and he can't plan his future without heavily factoring in his mom's happiness, I don't know what's in it for me. Part of my savior complex wants to help him, but I'm experiencing stress of my own. I don't know if it's just a phase where I have to make adjustments. Sorry if it all sounds like rambling.

[blondiepants]

The relationship with the mother is strange, no question. The thought that he would buy his mother a house before buying himself a house is weird. If you continue to date and eventually marry this guy, I have to wonder if he will ever put you before her.

I think that you need decide how much you're willing to tolerate of this. You will go crazy being with a guy who puts his mother ahead of you, and it seems like he may be that type.

He definitely needs to detach, and you have to find out if that's something he is able to do...

[Mary3]

How does his mother treat you ?

Bored , indifferent , clingy , rude ?

I think you know you will be marrying his mom .....

Whatever he has you will have , and that means MOM too .

Do you want to be with someone who goes way over the top for his mom based on guilt ?

Its not a healthy relationship.

My mom was always sick ( later learned she had conjestive heart failure )
She never complained. She never wanted us to know.
But I always told her she could stay with me when she got older . That was out of love and not wanting her to ever have to go into a retirement home.

She never lived long enough ...The heart failure ended her life.

But the son and the mom do seem to have a dependant relationship.

I don't think I would marry him quite yet. Counseling for all 3 of you would be great

[NotKelly]

Wow... sounds like my ex-bf... except it was MY MOTHER who treated him like the baby and spoiled him!

[Amy S]

The "other woman" is not always a romantic involvement.

I predict that if you ever did move towards marriage her claws would come out.

He must recognize this problem for himself and correct it for himself. If you try to urge him out of the dysfunctional side of this relationship, he will dig his heels in.