Why are women really afraid to bring up "the talk"?
This is somewhat of a random question, the result of a conversation with my hairdresser this morning.
I have had the same conversation with FOUR of my single girlfriends in the past week regarding their new "relationships" with the guys they're dating. Each one of them is afraid to ask about where the relationship is going, where they stand, etc.
Jessica* (my hairdresser) has has been on 6 proper dates with her guy in 2.5 weeks. Mary has been seeing her guy 2-3 a week (a mix between proper dates and "hanging out") for 2 months. Trisha has been seeing her guy ("hanging out at his house") about once a week for almost 3 months. And my roommate Katie has been seeing her dude (generally late at night as soon as he calls) about once a week, maybe once every 1.5-2 weeks, for about 2 months as well.
Each of these "relationships" has its own special quirk or issue that would give me a moment of pause about whether I was being led down Relationship Lane or Booty Call Alley. (Note that each of them are sleeping with the guy they're dating, and have never even so much as hinted about questioning what was going on. Given the intimate aspect of each of these relationships, I'd be going nuts if I were them!)
Each refuse to broach "the talk" with their guy. Why? "Because you know how guys are, they freak out easily. I don't want to pressure him and push him away."
But in the meantime, they're wigging out. Limiting themselves. Wondering where they are, who they're with, if the interest is still there. Talking about them incessantly. Dropping everything as soon as they call to "hang out" at 10:00 p.m. It's killing them.
So what I want to know is - are they right? Do guys freak out over "the talk," whereas girls do not? Aren't there just as many women who freak out over "relationship" talks as men? Is this really gender specific?
Does broaching "the talk" with a guy you've been dating and are intimate with really freak them out??? Or are these gals freaking out because in their guts do they really KNOW that their guy doesn't want a relationship, and they're afraid to hear the bitter truth?? I know with my Ex I was worried to bring that topic up, and in retrospect I think I was fearful because I knew regardless of what he told me (what I wanted to hear), I knew what the real truth was.
But isn't it better to know sooner, rather than later, whether or not the person you're dating sees you as relationship material, or just Ms. Right Now?
Thoughts?
*Names have been changed to protect the innocent.
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Timing is everything. If a guy starts to talk about settling down and having kids within the first few months, it freaks me out. I need to get to know him a little better, before we enter into this type of discussion.
Technically, anyone is "Mr. Right Now", until I get a good feeling of who he is.
On the flipside, I don't want to enter into a relationship with anyone, unless they're a long-term kind of person. I don't want to waste time with anyone who isn't, unless it's fully understood that we're dating lightly with no exclusivity, which means, no sex, which means, no relationship.
Timing is everything. If a guy starts to talk about settling down and having kids within the first few months, it freaks me out. I need to get to know him a little better, before we enter into this type of discussion.
Wow, interesting. H and I started talking about what we wanted fairly early on. We both knew that we wanted to be married and have a child some day soon. It was only weeks later that we acknowledged that we wanted all of that with each other.
Technically, anyone is "Mr. Right Now", until I get a good feeling of who he is.
On the flipside, I don't want to enter into a relationship with anyone, unless they're a long-term kind of person. I don't want to waste time with anyone who isn't, unless it's fully understood that we're dating lightly with no exclusivity, which means, no sex, which means, no relationship.
It's such a conflict, in so many ways.
I hear you on the rest of it.
As for any "talk"..hahah. I've never brought that up..not my style. I leave it to the guy to bring it up...or not. Usually, it's brought up and I then decided if I was interested or not. But no. I never, never brought up any talk of exclusivity myself...ever.
As for any "talk"..hahah. I've never brought that up..not my style. I leave it to the guy to bring it up...or not. Usually, it's brought up and I then decided if I was interested or not. But no. I never, never brought up any talk of exclusivity myself...ever.
Hold on there Missy!
I'm talking about long-range talks v. exclusivity talks. I fully believe in the exclusivity discussion, prior to entering into a physical relationship. Once that's in place, it might lead to sex or it might not. If there's no exclusivity discussion, it most definitely doesn't lead to sex.
I spent 5 nights a week with my Ex, he did nice things for me, showed me that he was invested. Guess what, he wasn't. There's still some boundaries that need to be established at some point. You can't just assume.
From my very limited experience, I shall tell you. I met this girl a while ago now, we hit it off, had dates and all that jazz, it went well until she "being a woman" decided to 'talk' and hint about whether we were going out or not. So instead of boring her with small talk, I arranged a meeting with her, we went for a walk and then she decided to try and talk again, and I didn't really want to talk, because talk is cheap. So I just grabbed her, pulled her into me and kissed her and then I said, there's your answer.
A while into a relationship she wanted to spend a weekend away with me, she hinted at it and decided to try and tell me outright. So, figuring talk is cheap, I went out and arranged something for the very next day I booked our hostel and away we went, just like that. No talk was needed. Eventually she got in frustrated by a lack of talk and broke things off, but the point is talking just wastes time, I'd rather quit the chat and be spontaneous and implusive, these are actions and speak louder than any words. Actions are the best way forward, unless you're an emo.
Covania, there are two sides to the coin. There's talk and there's action. If the actions don't synch with the talk, it's a good indicator that things are not what they seem.
From my very limited experience, I shall tell you. I met this girl a while ago now, we hit it off, had dates and all that jazz, it went well until she "being a woman" decided to 'talk' and hint about whether we were going out or not. So instead of boring her with small talk, I arranged a meeting with her, we went for a walk and then she decided to try and talk again, and I didn't really want to talk, because talk is cheap. So I just grabbed her, pulled her into me and kissed her and then I said, there's your answer.
A while into a relationship she wanted to spend a weekend away with me, she hinted at it and decided to try and tell me outright. So, figuring talk is cheap, I went out and arranged something for the very next day I booked our hostel and away we went, just like that. No talk was needed. Eventually she got in frustrated by a lack of talk and broke things off, but the point is talking just wastes time, I'd rather quit the chat and be spontaneous and implusive, these are actions and speak louder than any words. Actions are the best way forward, unless you're an emo.
Soooooo in other words, the lack of "the talk" led her to break things off because she had no idea where things were going.
I'm talking about long-range talks v. exclusivity talks. I fully believe in the exclusivity discussion, prior to entering into a physical relationship. Once that's in place, it might lead to sex or it might not. If there's no exclusivity discussion, it most definitely doesn't lead to sex.
I don't know what to say about this. We didn't have that "exclusivity" talk. I've never had that with anyone really that I was involved with for the long-term. It was always just understood.
Maybe things are different now and I'm showing my age? Or maybe I just seemed to "hook up" with old-fashioned men. I mean if I had more than 3 or 4 dates with a man it was automatically assumed that we were "exclusive" even if we hadn't had sex. Is that passe' these days?
I have never brought up "the talk" with any guy I've dated and never really had the desire to. I think that often these things happen naturally and if any finalizing words are said the guy should be the one to say them. Is that a sexist and silly view? Probably, but that's how I feel and it's worked for me, I just wouldn't ask a guy to commit to me. I think that if a guy wants to be committed and in a relationship status he will say so.
I also never flip out over "where is this going" like your examples. Do these women want a commitment? It seems like maybe the guys don't want one in these situations and the women feel that.
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Covania, there are two sides to the coin. There's talk and there's action. If the actions don't synch with the talk, it's a good indicator that things are not what they seem.
Talking can be good, but I find when it comes to showing emotion and when it comes to showing how you truly feel then actions are better. Sure, no relationship can survive without conversation. But I hate 'the sit down and lets discuss where we are heading' conversation. Why not see what tomorrow brings? Why do people need plans and events set in stone? What's wrong with spontaneity and impluse?
I'd rather write a poem to a girl stating how I feel than just telling her through word of mouth, sounds weird? Well, sure it is, but I've tried the talk before and it doesn't work. Women just brush it off because they've heard it all before and it sounds cliched. recycled, repackaged and frankly repetitive and boring.
I have never brought up "the talk" with any guy I've dated and never really had the desire to. I think that often these things happen naturally and if any finalizing words are said the guy should be the one to say them. Is that a sexist and silly view? Probably, but that's how I feel and it's worked for me, I just wouldn't ask a guy to commit to me. I think that if a guy wants to be committed and in a relationship status he will say so.
I also never flip out over "where is this going" like your examples. Do these women want a commitment? It seems like maybe the guys don't want one in these situations and the women feel that.
I agree 100% Allina. I mean by the time I had 3 or 4 dates with a guy we'd gotten rather intimate as far as discussions about our personal lives/goals/desires went....not physically necessarily. By then, we knew a whole lot about each other. And by the time it progressed to the physical..no "formal" talk was ever required or needed. It was already understood that it was "exclusive."
Soooooo in other words, the lack of "the talk" led her to break things off because she had no idea where things were going.
Thanks for proving my point.
She was needy, clingy and constantly needed reassurance. She was a bane on what could have been a wonderfully expressive relationship and to be honest, I don't miss her, she wasn't fiesty, didn't have a good head on her shoulders and wasn't independent enough for me.
I tried to make the relationship more exciting, but I figured out the more needy woman needs constant discussions throughout the relationship and will find a million minor faults to spend hours, days, weeks and even months contemplating over.
I'm not saying talk isn't necessary, of course it is, how else do we humans survive, but constant reassurance and talk becomes tiresome and I just can't put up with it. I committed a lot of time and energy to this girl and she threw it back in my face, because she wanted constant clarification that I was committed to her and wouldn't run away with the nearest woman in my radar.
Last edited by Covonia; 22nd March 2008 at 10:24 PM..
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