I will make this short and vague, because I'm sure everyone can guess of what the detail is like (very harsh).
If someone is abused mentally, physically, and sexually over his life, does this make it something that females take into consideration when choosing a partner? I've heard the term 'damaged goods' before, and I'm thinking that its meaning is being damaged in the way that there is no repairing it and it isn't something that people will want to deal with.
Let's say that this did happen, but the subject of it handled it very well (at least more so than most), and there really wasn't that much of a problem later on in life.. Just a bit more of a lonely feeling and more of a need to have something very deep with someone.
If a female will have the 'I won't put up with it' mentality, even when that which the abused subject has to give is something great and not oft-found in others, instinct tells me that they would be a shallow person. However...
Is this really something that females would take into consideration when finding a partner? Not wanting to have to deal with someone feeling bad from time to time, and being with someone that may be a bit more needy in the intimacy department.
You will eventually meet someone who "gets" you and values you for who you are, and you will also have qualities that make you especially able to meet her needs and desires.
This might be a devil's advocate stance. However, how do you relate to those that you see romantically?
Do you carry that abusive past baggage into your relationships in a destructive manner? Clingly/abusive/too nice? Have you sought therapy or buried it? Do the coping/defensive mechnisms reveal themselves during uncomfortable times? If so, how do you handle and communicate it?
Sure there are those that will take you on, but that might be dysfunction attracting another flavor of dysfunction, in which unhealthy patterns are formed. Or, if you have not dealt properly then those more mentally aware and heatlhy may not want to deal with your issues.
We all have issues. How have you personally got past, dealt with and handled them in your relationships? That might be the key.
Don't surround yourself with negative people. It's easier said than done but focus on the positive and you will succeed.
You will be glad to know that for the past 4 months, I've cut off just about everyone that was not contributing to me in some way. It had to happen sooner or later, and lately, I am determined to get off of my hiney and fix myself up =)
You will be glad to know that for the past 4 months, I've cut off just about everyone that was not contributing to me in some way. It had to happen sooner or later, and lately, I am determined to get off of my hiney and fix myself up =)
Good for you!
We all have issues to a certain degree, but for sure, try surrounding yourself with positive energy, so it's easier to stay focused and move forward on a more peaceful path.
I had an interesting childhood, and have found that simply accepting it and being myself, saying how I feel, going with my ebb and flow, will bring accepting people into your life. They know what they're getting in to, and it's liberating not to hide.
__________________
Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck --Dali Lama
This might be a devil's advocate stance. However, how do you relate to those that you see romantically?
Do you carry that abusive past baggage into your relationships in a destructive manner? Clingly/abusive/too nice? Have you sought therapy or buried it? Do the coping/defensive mechnisms reveal themselves during uncomfortable times? If so, how do you handle and communicate it?
Sure there are those that will take you on, but that might be dysfunction attracting another flavor of dysfunction, in which unhealthy patterns are formed. Or, if you have not dealt properly then those more mentally aware and heatlhy may not want to deal with your issues.
We all have issues. How have you personally got past, dealt with and handled them in your relationships? That might be the key.
Actually, I've never dated before. If anything, I would be a bit clingy out of what you said, but I couldn't be sure because I've never been in a relationship. This was just a thought as to maybe why I'm still single. I've been to therapy and I've been on meds, and I have to say that neither worked. In fact, the medication part was terrible, to be honest.
I have become very, very defensive lately because of recent ongoings, and it shot my confidence up very high. Now, I wouldn't say that I was being a complete jerk about it, but I do start to say that I believe I'm a great guy, and better than those who I've seen harm others.
As far as how I would want to and now want to handle it, I want to completely lay everything on the table and admit my faults. It is very painful to admit a fault of yours, but I want to show that I care, and that I want to improve myself at all costs, and I think admitting to it would help. Do you think that talking this out with whomever I'm having trouble with would help? As I said, it is very difficult to just admit a fault of yours... I have fear that actually admitting it would make the other person have a reason to stay away (and maybe make them think that I've lost confidence).
simply accepting it and being myself, saying how I feel, going with my ebb and flow, will bring accepting people into your life. They know what they're getting in to, and it's liberating not to hide.
You couldn't have said it better.
A problem of mine is that I'm pessimistic at times (for obvious reasons), and I do lose hope about finding the accepting persons that you mention. Sometimes I do exaggerate about it a bit - a mindset that we all get when we feel down, but I'm trying my best to overcome that.
Truth is, we're all damaged goods in one way or another. Some of us are just more aware of it than others.
Why would you want to be with someone, though, who chose to focus on that aspect of your personality over the fabulous beloved creature of God that you are?
A hard question: Is it the other person whom you're worried about who'll see you as damaged goods, or is that your view of yourself that's hard to deal with that you project onto others in order to protect yourself from the fear of relating to other people, which I know will sound crazy to you, because probably more than anything you really want someone to love you deeply.
But when you've been abused you're understandably scared of others, too. And you'll always struggle with issues of self-worth.
I've come to believe we don't ever get over abuse; we learn how to manage it like diabetes or something. And it's a lifelong struggle.
If you don't mind my asking, how old are you? What have you done to deal with what's happened to you in the past?
__________________ We must become the change we wish to see.--Ghandi
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