It's been about six weeks since I last heard his voice and six weeks since his last email telling me he would give me space to think about things.
So far as I'm concerned there is nothing to speak about. All I wanted was to be treated decently, and I haven't been. His mood swings were too much for me to cope with - although I understood why he was like it - his world was being turned upside down.
I only understand it because I was going through the same thing with my STBXH.
I know he's out there. I know he still thinks of me. I know he's checked up on me a little. That doesn't bother me at all. I know he wants to be friends and is leaving the decision to me. I wish I could be his friend. But I just know that the moment his W does something to upset the marriage again, it will be me paying for it. I've had enough pain in my own marriage to take someone else's pain in their marriage on top of my shoulders, too.
I find it hard to not be me and say "Hey, you could have had my friendship if you treated me right." I'm finding lots of things hard.
I miss him sometimes, and I just haven't got it in me to think bad things of him or anyone. But that doesn't make me weak!
Same goes for STBXH. I find I want him to come and rescue me for all the silly wrong and sentimental reasons. I have to let go of him, of any notion that it will ever be right between us again. He made that all very clear to me 8 years ago now, and I should have listened.
Why is this all so damn difficult? I wish H had not played all those sex games he did with me. Like a punishment system! I thought it was women that did that? Scr*w the house work, all I ever wanted was a man on my arm, the rest was secondary.
And all I needed was the OM to turn out the same! And he hasn't been in touch with me either. If he really wanted a friendship, he would have dropped me a line to say "Hey, you ok?" He doesn't even know my Dad has cancer. He doesn't know anything about me, now. And why should he care, right?
If this man thought I was weak, he better start thinking again. I'm not in the market to be picked up and dropped when ever he feels like it.
But I do miss the stupid talks we had about life, love, the colour of Hillary's underwear (that part is a joke!) and silly stuff. Just the silly simple stuff that had nothing to do with sex, or love.
I hope to God he's happy. I hope God blesses him and his family.
I wish it were more simple, but it just isn't. I get pi@@d at myself for even thinking these things!
Eventually, this will wear thin and I'm outta there. 
Linear Mode
