HI. I'm newly married--only 13 months now. My wife and I are different nationalities and religious and ethnic backgrounds but fell in love at work and then eventually got married. Since we've been married for the past year or so, I've noticed that my wife lies a lot about what appear to be small things as well as big things. I wouldn't say she lies 100% of the time but I've caught her many times. During our short marriage, we've argued a lot, had some bad fights, and have had lots of adjustment issues. I know some of this is common to newlyweds but it has been rocky at times. On a trip she took by herself last summer to visit her family, when she returned from the trip I found a condom in her suitcase. I was shocked but thought it must have been for us. I asked her about it and she first told me it was mine. I said it wasn't. Then she said she got it from her sister for us and then she got defensive about it. I then dropped it. Around that same time, we decided to try to get pregnant and she got pregnant pretty quickly. Since then, I've caught her looking at porno on the internet and when I asked her about it she flat out denied it each time. l've noticed some strange calls to people I don't know on our landline but her cell phone activity has been pretty normal from what I gather. Not sure if there's anything to our of any of that. Sometimes I can't reach her when she's out during the day but she's always home when I get home and never goes out on the weekends without me. She's also told me many times in the past that shes knows that I don't trust her. Over the past month or so of her pregnancy she developed a bad itching all over her body, mostly arms and legs, and then most recently in her private areas. One doctor last week thought the itching was due to irritation from soap or fragrances while another doctor this week said it was genital warts from an STD although he didn't test it. Then another doctor, who took a pap smear and results will be available next week, said she didn't think it was that but rather something else.
HELP!!! I am scared and worried. I really love my wife and want to be with her but I'm worried that she may have cheated on me in the past while she was away on her trip or more recently with someone who has given her an STD.
Any advice? Does it seem like she may have been cheating? Or maybe it's just me worrying too much?
Wait for the test results. Hopefully she got the full battery including bloodwork - a pap smear alone won't test for STDs. The doctor has to order all of those tests. You will want to consider getting testing for yourself too.
I'm sorry to say this, but you will definitely want to have a paternity test on that child. Do not sign the birth certificate until you know for sure.
If she has STDs and the child is not yours I would say lawyer up and get a divorce, but of course you can try to stay and make a go of it but I don't know that it would do you much good to do so.
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Wait for the test results. Hopefully she got the full battery including bloodwork - a pap smear alone won't test for STDs. The doctor has to order all of those tests. You will want to consider getting testing for yourself too.
I'm sorry to say this, but you will definitely want to have a paternity test on that child. Do not sign the birth certificate until you know for sure.
If she has STDs and the child is not yours I would say lawyer up and get a divorce, but of course you can try to stay and make a go of it but I don't know that it would do you much good to do so.
I agree with Lucrezia's comment and I would just like to add that because you've been married for such a short period of time that you consider ending the marriage if she is not willing to address and resolve her issue of lying through individual counseling. Lies are relationship killers.
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Over the past month or so of her pregnancy she developed a bad itching all over her body, mostly arms and legs, and then most recently in her private areas. One doctor last week thought the itching was due to irritation from soap or fragrances while another doctor this week said it was genital warts from an STD although he didn't test it. Then another doctor, who took a pap smear and results will be available next week, said she didn't think it was that but rather something else.
I just wanted to chime in here and say that the itching all over her body is actually a very common sympton of pregnancy. I also developed really horrible itching about the middle of my pregnancy - all over my body. On the palms of my hands and the soles of my feet, my breasts, my tummy, and my "private areas". You can even google it.
I don't know what kind of doctor would just say that his patient has an STD without testing for it!!! That is AWFUL. Have you discussed this itching issue with the OB??
I asked both my OB and my new midwife about it (I transferred from a traditional OB to a midwife when I hit 5 months) and both of them assured me it was normal. In fact, I'm itching right now.
The condom thing does sound fishy...
The porn thing...well my sex drive has gone through the roof since I've been pregnant. I used to watch porn when I was single, then I stopped...but since I've been pregnant I have started watching it again.
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In my humble opinion, you don't trust her so you are suspicious over almost everything. I'd address the lying. But based on the actual evidence, You may be over reacting. Doesn't sound like an STD.
Everyone else seems to be dancing around the issue. Bottom line dude, she is or has been cheating on you. The condom and being unable to reach her combined with you know she has lied to you all indicate she is cheating.
Looking a porno does not mean she is cheating. The other stuff does.
Like everyone else said, the itching even in the private areas are normal for a pregnancy. I have 5 kids and know that well.
My wife recently had an affair. I know what you are going through. I made my wife get checked out.
Get the paternity test done. Visit with a lawyer. You can usually get a free low cost visit to learn your rights.
There's no seems like she's cheating, She IS cheating! Follow the advice on here!
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On the STD thing, I was also shocked and angered the doctor made the diagnosis with no analysis at all. The week before, another doctor looked at her private parts and said she saw nothing abnormal except some inflammation from scratching too much. Then, we went to a 3rd doctor the day after the 2nd doctor said she had an STD and the 3rd doctor didn’t really think that and said the 2nd doctor overcalled it. She saw some bumps but said it could be from many different things. We’re awaiting the pap results. We also had blood work done on her (just general, not looking specifically for STDs) and the results were also normal.
Regarding the porn thing, I don’t mind that actually. I just mind that she lied about it and kept denying it when I asked her about it. I admit I’ve looked at porn too and would admit it if she asked me. Regarding her overall personality, she comes from a very closed society in which women are supposed to be “honorable” and not bring “shame” upon their families, etc. I don’t buy into that philosophy myself but I know that’s where she comes from. I wonder how much this plays into her not telling me the truth about such things as the condom, porn, etc. I’ll just await the pap results. I will do the paternity test too.
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We also had blood work done on her (just general, not looking specifically for STDs) and the results were also normal.
I’ll just await the pap results. I will do the paternity test too.
The doctor has to order tests specifically for STD's. I would insist, and if she refuses, get a full workup done on yourself specifically for STD's.
A pap will show HPV, but HPV is one of those tricky things in that it can lie dormant for years. You never can tell when and were you would have gotten it.
It is good you are considering paternity. There is no way in a case like this that I wouldn't.
The doctor has to order tests specifically for STD's. I would insist, and if she refuses, get a full workup done on yourself specifically for STD's.
A pap will show HPV, but HPV is one of those tricky things in that it can lie dormant for years. You never can tell when and were you would have gotten it.
It is good you are considering paternity. There is no way in a case like this that I wouldn't.
YO! Listen to this woman! She does have valueble info. that you can use. You need it!
Regarding her overall personality, she comes from a very closed society in which women are supposed to be “honorable” and not bring “shame” upon their families, etc. I don’t buy into that philosophy myself but I know that’s where she comes from. I wonder how much this plays into her not telling me the truth about such things as the condom, porn, etc.
You can speculate about this until the end of the world and you still won't have an answer. Remember that actions speak louder than words and hers have been very questionable (a married woman carrying around a condom without her husband being aware of it? Her need to lie about even small stuff?). Don't get hung up on the culture thing for every culture has its own black sheep and in the end its really a person's actions that say it all.
Then she said she got it from her sister for us and then she got defensive about it.
Who the hell gives someone ONE condom for them too use with their husband? That's the biggest bucket of tripe I think I've ever heard, for God's sakes.
The porn thing, well she's probably just embarrassed to admit it to you that she's viewing it.
Not so sure it's an STD that would make someone have some kind of skin reaction - pregnancy does weird things to women.
But that condom story is so utterly ridiculous that I don't blame you for raising a huge, whopping red flag on THAT one.
The possible STD? Even if she does have one, it doesn't mean its new. She may have always had it and known about it (but didn't share it with you for fear of rejection) or she may not have known about it but the hormonal changes from pregnancy brought a latent STD such as herpes to the surface. On the other hand, itching is also very common in pregnancy. You're probably overreacting.
The condom? Who knows? Was it old and could have inadvertently be left in the suitcase? Was it a type you've used in the past? On the other hand, it could be that she really went on a fling and didn't see her sister at all.
Bottom line: talk to your wife. It amazes me how many people speculate on this board about their SO's thoughts, actions, etc., and just never sit down and talk to their SO. You won't find answers here - the only person who has them is your wife. Have an open, honest and non-confrontational conversation. Anyone who wants to save their marriage should at least be able to be open with their spouse.
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
my sex drive has gone through the roof since I've been pregnant. I used to watch porn when I was single, then I stopped...but since I've been pregnant I have started watching it again.
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