So, I have been here reading this site for MONTHS. And, I have finally come to the conclusion I need some feedback from all of you people here.
My story has a twist to it that I have not read about on this forum. My MM lives in.... well, overseas. And has the entire duration of our A. We have been together when the opportunity presents itself. We have maintained our relationship in between visits via e mail, IM/cams, phone and snail mail.
I am currently M, however the papers for the divorce are signed and awaiting filing which will occur within the month. My H and I are still living together. He is inbetween jobs and I will not boot him to the curb until he is a little more stable -- he is currently looking for employment. He has until the summer to find work. That is his deadline.
My MM has stated that the dissolution of his marriage is inevitable. However, he is not able to narrow a timeline as to when it will happen. He says he loves me and wants to be with me. So, my Q to you all is, what is a good deadline.
If this was the beginning of the A and he was in the same town as me, I would have given him 3 months. However, given the situation... I am at a loss.
He is currently on a flight back to the states. He will not have a job when he arrives. I totally understand that he will need time to get himself situated, find a job and figure out custody issues with his W. When I have asked him in the past he has stated that he doesn't know when his son will be ready for him to leave. He is gun shy as his first wife left him for another man and the custody ordeal was a nightmare for him. He and his current W have a child together.
He feels that, as a man, he will never win custody and he is terrified of how his son will be raised should he leave. His wife is not the best when it comes to parenting. I understand all of these issues. However, for my own personal sanity I need to have a deadline for his dissolution or the inititation of my NC.
We have been together... wow... this month makes 2 years. I love this man almost as much as I love my child. The simple fact that I have not seen him for many many many months, but I only love him more than I did yesterday speaks volumes to me about this whole situation.
I should point out, though, the only reason I have allowed it to go on this long is because of where they were stationed. Had he been closer to home I would have set a deadline for considerably sooner than 2 years. Now that he is on the way home I need to start thinking about this.
So, what do you all think is a reasonable time giving his this situation with his JUST moving back to the states?
Thank you all in advance for any advice you can offer.
Last edited by SoComplicated; 4th March 2008 at 9:13 PM..
Newly divorced with child. Hmmm.... I think I'd take some solo time to clarify my own feelings and be sure my child is adjusted to mommy and daddy not living together (which they still are), so, maybe a one year deadline with no contact, or if you have the stomach, wait for the divorce papers to appear in your fax machine.
Distance always makes the heart grow fonder, and you've had plenty of that. NC shouldn't be a problem.
MM has a child and is ambivalent about custody, and such could take years to sort away. Is there ever a W who's a good parent? That's sarcasm IMO, he hasn't got a firm grip on what it takes to really leave the M.
Newly divorced with child. Hmmm.... I think I'd take some solo time to clarify my own feelings and be sure my child is adjusted to mommy and daddy not living together (which they still are), so, maybe a one year deadline with no contact, or if you have the stomach, wait for the divorce papers to appear in your fax machine.
Distance always makes the heart grow fonder, and you've had plenty of that. NC shouldn't be a problem.
MM has a child and is ambivalent about custody, and such could take years to sort away. Is there ever a W who's a good parent? That's sarcasm IMO, he hasn't got a firm grip on what it takes to really leave the M.
I am a bit confused by your post. I have my divorce papers on my desk at work.... they won't be faxed anywhere. Also, this marriage has been over for 3 years. There is nothing to sort out.
MM and I are to be living in different states for a long while. So, the issue of my child is not of concern, nor the topic of this thread. I got the parenting thing down, thanks.
I have NO plans of going NC until the deadline has passed. If you read more carefully I am asking for a TIME FRAME to set for a deadline.
Last edited by SoComplicated; 4th March 2008 at 9:30 PM..
It's easier to love somebody when you rarely see him and don't live with him sharing the mundane pressures of housework, maintenance, paying the bills, shopping for groceries, car repair, etc.
I don't think you should turn your life upside down for him, or expect him to do the same for you. It sounds as if he has more at stake than you do (raising his children).
Try to keep an open mind, and not take things too personally if it doesn't work out. It sounds to me more like a fantasy than a reality. Not that I am judging, I have this tendency to prefer fanatasy myself.
It's easier to love somebody when you rarely see him and don't live with him sharing the mundane pressures of housework, maintenance, paying the bills, shopping for groceries, car repair, etc.
I don't think you should turn your life upside down for him, or expect him to do the same for you. It sounds as if he has more at stake than you do (raising his children).
Try to keep an open mind, and not take things too personally if it doesn't work out. It sounds to me more like a fantasy than a reality. Not that I am judging, I have this tendency to prefer fanatasy myself.
This relationship has not been a fairytale. We have our share of problems. I am entirely aware of what a relationship needs to survive and have seen the consequences of a failed marriage. I understand all of the pressures surrounding life. Not living with him has not clouded me of his and/or my flaws. I know and understand it is work.
I have no plans on turning my life upside down. I plan to stay where I am for YEARS as does he. It is a matter of being free from his M so as to see eachother as we please, with out having to hide and lie.
Why is no one able to answer my question and only able to inject their assumptions?
How does he have more at stake then me? I have a child to raise too.
what is a reasonnable time frame? the one that you know won't drive you crazy.
I'm guessing you want to figure out the deadline because you want to be sure you're not going to get trapped into something unhealthy.
Why not wait until he gets back to the states and see how things go then. He will have a better idea of everything he needs to do and you two can discuss a timeline together. If he fails to respect that, then you have your answer.
Maam, with all due respect, you're talking like this is a business deal. Wow, what a b@ll buster.
Well, when you come waltzing into my thread with no constructive input ima crack @55. It is what I do, and I do it well, thank you.
And, as far as it being a busniess deal... it only appears that way to you. I reserve the emotion for he and I. No need to get all sappy and detail ridden here. I was merely presenting the facts so as to gain some insight which would hopefully lead me to a conclusion.
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IMO, he hasn't got a firm grip on what it takes to really leave the M.
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