I've been reading for a while and felt the need to tell my story, I'm not excusing myself or him, just explaining.
I am the OW and have been on and off for over 30 years. We met when we where very young and single and dated. At the time neither of us was ready for commitment. Miscommunication, immaturity, a lot of things led to us not staying together. We were lovers companions and very close friends as well. We dated each other while we where dating our future spouses as well. We both married other people and the story should have ended. After a short time we ended up back together. Several children later I left my marriage, not for my love, but for my own reasons about not loving my H. My love and I continued seeing each other and at the time I was headstrong and wanted him to leave as well. He had 3 young children and wouldn't. I left him and met someone else, asking him not to contact me for any reason. I was in love with him and felt I couldn't move on with him even as a friend in my life. Problems arose, because people began telling his W about us and it made it hard for us to be together as she was always watching.
At times we stepped back into each others lives during times of need, death, illness and job problems. He even went behind my back and called in favors to get my husband at the time his job back, so I would not lose health insurance during pregnancy.
During the time we where apart him and his wife split, but I didn't know, he believed I was happily married.
My husband knew of our relationship and always blamed that I never loved him as I did my love. Sadly he was right, though I was not cheating.
My love reconciled with his wife and went on with his life as I did mine, running into each other occasionally and always loving each other. Our relationship was never much of a secret in a small town.
Two years ago and another child later, I decided to leave my 2cd marriage. My husband was abusive and a drunk and I had enough. Though it was neither of our intention my love and I reconnected yet again and the love was still as strong as ever.
He is unhappy and has been for years. He stays because of commitment, responsibility, and financial reasons. He also has a daughter with special needs.
We spend as much time as possible together, speak on a private cell and travel together. Even when we where apart, he was out all the time, stayed away from home often and lived his own life apart from his W. This left us a lot of room to be together.
I have always loved him and him me as well. There is no reason to put pressure on him, I have his heart and always have. She has his name. No lies, no empty promises. I don't push for anything other than his love.
My former husband out of anger and revenge, called and told her of our affair, and she again became watchful and suspicious. She made it harder for us to be together and we had to back off a little and find easier ways to be together. He had to convince her we are just friends, though she is not sure. But he has assured her we have no more contact. She does search the phone bill and threaten to follow him, but she never does, as long as he is home by morning, she believes he is at a bar, or playing cards or in a diner.
And we are still together. There is no reason for him to lie to me or me him. He is always there for me when I need him for support. I have a good job and support myself and my children, so I don't need his money. He treats me better than either of my husbands ever did and is my lover, companion and best friend, as I am his.
Would I like a happy ending, of course, but I will not push for it. I am happy and content being with the man I love. I love making him happy, and he goes out of his way to make me happy.
He gave me space when I asked for it, and I am doing the same for him. If the status quo stays this way for the rest of my life, I am content.
I believe she knows about us, as he has said, we have been connected together too many times for her not to, but she stays as does he.
It isn't always easy, no life is, but there are two sides to every story. Do I like her, no, she has always refused to work and has an easy life, even when he works multiple jobs. She likes the lifestyle and probably will not leave it. I have no respect for women like her, but then again, I'm sure she has no respect for someone like me. We all have our own reasons for why we live the lives we do and make the choices we do.
I respect my loves choices and his commitment to his family, and in a warped way his marriage as well.
Me I choose happiness over misery, I've experienced both and we make each other happy.
I chose to leave 2 bad marriages, he chooses to stay. His choice, not mine.
I choose to let him have the "best of both worlds".
Am I a home wrecker? No, if he chooses to leave, I'm here, if he chooses not to, I am still here.
As I said, she has his name, I have had his heart for most of my life as he has mine. I have the better of the two.
Nothing in this life is black and white.
I'd suggest that you post on the OW/OM board, but honestly you should expect that many people aren't likely to respond favorably to your thread...because this site is frequented by BS's (betrayed spouses) like myself and others. You're likely to get a lot of negative feedback from people who won't agree with your actions/viewpoint on your affair with this man.
I'm not bashing you, I'm being honest about what you're likely to see here, and suggest that you prepare yourself for it.
__________________
"Do, or do not. There is no try." -Yoda
I think the lady is posting to see it in print, for comfort. It makes it more real. I understand her story completely, and in this case, I am withholding judgement. As many know my ex gaslighted me for 25 years, in almost the same way her man is doing to his wife, although over longer distances. It only lasted 25 years because I was done as soon as it was admitted.
Since the divorce I've had a 7 year LD affiar with my first love. Her husband has no clue. On and off, very sparing... blah blah. I am currently in the middle of a total move and lifestyle change to make it "short distance". Is it wrong, sure, it's indefensible. Then why? I've run out of unhappyness to offer. She will be very suprised when she finds we are neighbors (less than 10 miles).
Kingsburybear, I hope his children are not hurt by you two. Mine were both adults when it discovery came to my ex. I know the emptiness you sometimes feel. I know that sometimes you wake up in the morning and say, "I'm so sad" privately to yourself when you are alone. I know you bite your lip and smile when you should be balling. I know my ex felt that way over her long term lover, and I hate her for it. I know I feel that way about mine sometimes, and I'm sad.
Oh geez. Cry me a river. Sorry Lakeside, I just don't see how having been through it yourself, you would do that to another man. But your life is your own and we each live it however we please. Good luck to you both.
While I think the OP has a great book here, perhaps in the romance novel genre, I do wonder why, if their connection was so complete, they didn't agree to end their respective non-satisfying relationships with others and be together.
It sounds to me like they're both more addicted to drama and the neurochemical high attendant. I can certainly appreciate that
Am I a home wrecker? No, if he chooses to leave, I'm here, if he chooses not to, I am still here.
As I said, she has his name, I have had his heart for most of my life as he has mine. I have the better of the two.
Nothing in this life is black and white.
You may not be a homewrecker, but you are wrecking yourself by settling to be the OW, his side dish forever.
Godforbid he is in an accident, ends up in the hospital. You think he'll call you? Or do you think he'll call his wife and kids to come to his side? Sorry, I don't mean to sound harsh, it's just all you're getting is a 'fantasy' life with him, the good stuff - why would he want to give that stuff up? He can have TWO women in his life!
You're settling for someone else's table scraps. Though, I believe from what you've said, you're happy enough and fine being the OW.
I must admit, you actually don't have the right to like or dislike her, you are and have always been the side peice who has a peice of his heart. Nice.
While I think the OP has a great book here, perhaps in the romance novel genre, I do wonder why, if their connection was so complete, they didn't agree to end their respective non-satisfying relationships with others and be together.
It sounds to me like they're both more addicted to drama and the neurochemical high attendant. I can certainly appreciate that
Sounds good. Sadly sport, I can tell you without any question that I've been over the "attendant neurochemical high" for 6+ years. It just ain't there. It's a loneliness situation, a craving that I havent conquered. It's probably a weakness of character. Sadly, at 57+ years of age it's unlikely I will survive long enough to undergo an extensive character "make over".
I lived my life playing by the rules. Obviously I was working uphill. The rest of the people in my aquaintance wern't playing by any rules.
I am not a romantic. Never have been. Never will be.
Not to bash this newbie in any way, but all I see is a wasted life.
Marrying men that she obviously didn't love, and then complaining (calling them abusive or whatever) when they didn't love her. And constantly running back to a man who refuses to leave his W and kids.
We women really have it hard in life when we think with our hearts and not with the brain that God gave us.
Thirty wasted years. Pity.
One day, this man will die and leave his family and friends behind. And while, Kingsbury may be invited to the funeral, no one will acknowledge her part in his life. It will be as if she never existed. No one should live in that way. No one.
__________________ "Don't tear down a fence until you know why it was put up." ~ African proverb
Sounds good. Sadly sport, I can tell you without any question that I've been over the "attendant neurochemical high" for 6+ years. It just ain't there. It's a loneliness situation, a craving that I havent conquered. It's probably a weakness of character. Sadly, at 57+ years of age it's unlikely I will survive long enough to undergo an extensive character "make over".
I lived my life playing by the rules. Obviously I was working uphill. The rest of the people in my aquaintance wern't playing by any rules.
Yep, I can appreciate that, though a few years shy of your age. I court women and don't reach into their panties. Most men do. I sat at home alone a lot for years after trying to build relationships with women who (almost globally) fall for the smooth-talking BS'ers of the world and then spew the vitriol of abuse and despair in my face. Married women used me for an emotional receptacle (yes, I allowed it; my fault) to satisfy their craving for a man who would value their emotions. Perhaps we have more in common than is visible at first blush
The main difference is I have no problem being alone. Only child
Perhaps that's why my marriage has lasted as long as it has.....
I hate the neurochemical high but it still comes around now and again, so I just fight it. I envy you in that regard.
Yep, I can appreciate that, though a few years shy of your age. I court women and don't reach into their panties. Most men do. I sat at home alone a lot for years after trying to build relationships with women who (almost globally) fall for the smooth-talking BS'ers of the world and then spew the vitriol of abuse and despair in my face. Married women used me for an emotional receptacle (yes, I allowed it; my fault) to satisfy their craving for a man who would value their emotions. Perhaps we have more in common than is visible at first blush
The main difference is I have no problem being alone. Only child
Perhaps that's why my marriage has lasted as long as it has.....
I hate the neurochemical high but it still comes around now and again, so I just fight it. I envy you in that regard.
Carhill, It's not that I don't want to feel the "neurochemical" feelings, I do. I have felt them since my marriage ended. With one person, a person I had known for 30 years. A person who was married. Did I choose that path? No.
I clearly remember a moment, sitting chatting normally eating dinner at the kitchen table, two months before my ex's ultra long term infidelity was discovered. She was commenting on a situation in a mutual friends marriage, where a single man we knew broke up a childless couple also friends of ours, who had been together for 20 years. My ex railed endlessly over the heartless "homewrecker" A few days later she left for a long weekend, visiting our daughter at school in another state (3 hours with our daughter, 4 days with her LT affair partner). One of many such trips. I spent the weekend installing cabinets in the kitchen, painting, and finding and selecting enamal hardware with pink roses emblazooned on them she commented she liked at a friends house. just to add a suprise. I never suspected a thing. Why would I? She took credit for setting the "moral compass" in our 25 year marriage. I was the Marine, the tough business guy she had "socialized".
I've tried, I really have. I've dated some nice gals, who I'd like to have friendships with... and do share a lasting friendship with one. I've dated a couple that I learned enough about to stop dating. I haven't found one in seven years that I'd rather have fallen asleep with than my friend (recently deseased) Mr. Kitty.
It's very depressing to date a bunch and not feel the "neurochemical reaction" you proffer. Sadly I have decided to fight for what I want, and let the chips fall where they will.
Last edited by LakesideDream; 4th March 2008 at 9:14 PM..
No, if he chooses to leave, I'm here, if he chooses not to, I am still here.
As I said, she has his name, I have had his heart for most of my life as he has mine. I have the better of the two.
Nothing in this life is black and white.
For his wife's sake I hope he does leave. Then she should take him for all she can and move on with a decent man that won't betray her with some other "woman".
I haven't found one in seven years that I'd rather have fallen asleep with than my friend (recently deseased) Mr. Kitty.
I have Mrs Kitty right here on the bed beside me and understand exactly what you mean.
On-topic, I've often wondered why women leave the men they've put so much effort into, and seen the results from, for something new. With the stereotypical gender roles reversed in my marriage, I can speculate. For me, it's an issue of "mattering", almost at an essential emotional level. It's like I can perceive I don't matter, even in marked contrast to periodic/sporadic expressions of attention and affection. It's like, if I died, she'd miss what I did and not who I was. This has been the most difficult concept for our psychologist to convey to her in therapy.
Your circumstance is markedly different and I empathize. I opine my aversion to the "neurochemical high" is due to such overwhelming my nervous system and essentially wrecking me. The same thing wouldn't affect my wife in the least, kinda like a mild buzz (her) versus being drunk (me).
I understand how the women you've met since your divorce could not compare to the connection that you still have with your first love. It might have always been there, even during your long marriage. I offer no judgement because I currently battle a similar circumstance and it strains my moral code to its limit. Good luck with your move
Carhill, you've sussed it out, however I have posted it before. I had the feelings, buring, not so deeply since 1967. Those feeling never surfaced during my marriage, until the very end.
The "situation" has "strained" my "moral code" for seven years. It finally broke. Adapt, Overcome, Improvise.
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