My recent break up with my boyfriend over his drinking has brought me to new and unchartered territory. I have been reading up a lot on substance abuse and how it affects family members and loved one.
I was reading a test geared towards Adult Children of alcoholics, and was suprised to find that I fit most of the criterias, IN SPITE of growing up with parents who have a glass a social gatherings once every month, if that.
Then yesterday I responded here to someone who was worried about a friend's depression. And that's when it hit me: Dealing with a loved one's depression is very much like dealing with someone's drinking. My mom has been struggling with depression for as long as I can remember. Growing up with a depressed parent, you end up doing a lot of the stuff children said to be growing with an alcoholic parents do. I found myself constantly struggling somewhere in between trying to help my mom (do this, do that, getting angry, feeling powerless, feeling ashamed), trying and failing to accept her as she is (because wouldn't be better if she was happy?) or enabling her depression (by covering for her, trying to accomodate her, etc).
So basically, I have have been torn between wanting to control-accept a loved one my whole life.
The ramifications of this revelations are still reeling through my head. It explains in part why I would get so angry and feel so powerless. It was bringing me back to one the most complicated relationships I have had in my life.
Anyways, (ex)SO and I are having dinner tonight. I spoke to him on the phone yesterday and he sounds really down. Meanwhile I'm just thrilled at the thought of seeing him. I expect tonight will be difficult, but I also feel like my perspective on myself has improved in the last few days. Hopefully we can reach a healthy understanding that will help us move foward. This is what I want.
well done you, Kamille, well done.
you have my admiration for the courage and awareness, or recognition that has come to you.
Well done indeed.
__________________
"Hatred never ceases through hatred, but hatred ceases by love alone. This is the essence of the ancient and eternal law."
"We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts; with our thoughts, we make the world."
I don't know about you, but I had a cathartic moment like this a few years back. Even now, I remember thinking two things:
One was:
"Wow, that's amazing! This is such a moment for me!"
The second was -
"How the hell have I been so dumb/stoopid/blind for so long...?!?"
Neither question or point needs elaboration or answering. It doesn't matter that you haven't got it until now.
The fact is, you have.
And it's just such a great feeling to have turned the corner.
isn't it - ?
*Carnegie Hall, full of people, applauding you on stage....!*
I think you have hit on a very valid point, and well done for recognising it so soon- its a brave person who looks to themselves for things to fix rather than solely focusing on what the other person needs to fix.
Wow, I am really proud of you for doing what you did.
I am truly sorry- I got wrapped up in my own BS and neglected to get involved with your posts about the break up- not being a good LS buddy.
I just went back and read everything that has been going on.
YOU have been having a tough month!
Can we go back to "You are the prize?" lol.
You've made a decision for yourself that is a smart move in the right direction. There's strength for ya!
I want to know how your dinner turns out. I would imagine that it will be a bit difficult on some levels.
Wow, I am really proud of you for doing what you did.
I am truly sorry- I got wrapped up in my own BS and neglected to get involved with your posts about the break up- not being a good LS buddy.
I just went back and read everything that has been going on.
YOU have been having a tough month!
Can we go back to "You are the prize?" lol.
You've made a decision for yourself that is a smart move in the right direction. There's strength for ya!
I want to know how your dinner turns out. I would imagine that it will be a bit difficult on some levels.
I'm proud of you!
Thanks everyone for the encouragements. They feel superfluous because honestly, all this feels so right. I haven't felt this serene in a long time.
It was tough. He was angry. I really wasn't. But I was capable of accepting his resentment. I think he came with the mindset that unless I came up with some amazing plan, things would be over. He feels betrayed and in a way I don't blame him. I did end up walking out on him. After trying to control his behaviour.
I feel like all that time I was unhappy but trying to look at him to see why I was unhappy instead of looking at myself.
We decided to take baby steps to see if we could be happy again together. No garantees.
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