In the first two weeks of a relationship: Name three things about an ex that attracted you when you first started dating. Then name three things that concerned you or turned you off around that same time.
After you broke up, what would you name as the primary cause/causes of the breakup? Could you have predicted this based on your first impressions?
My first example (first boyfriend/ HS sweetheart)
Attractions:
-Smart
-Deep
-Adored me
Concerns:
-Manipulative
-Insecure
-Physical attraction to him wasn't intense
The three initial concerns turned out to be long term problems in our relationship. I eventually felt smothered and broke up with him.
In other words, my intuitions were accurate. My theory is that we know what aspects of the relationship will cause it to end within the first couple of weeks that we meet someone.
In the first three weeks with my ex-H, I wasn't attracted to him at all. If anything, I was repulsed because he was so aggressive in his pursuit. It took years of pursuit and a seeming change of attitude, to get me hooked.
I should have listened to my first gut instinct that he was bad news.
__________________ "I think in life, what you want is what you are supposed to get." - George Obama
Attractions: good looks, chemistry, down to earth personality
Concerns: his age, too sex crazed, seemed very private about his past
found out later in the relationship that he was married! I felt so stupid, I should have seen the signs but couldn't see through the fog as they say. Thats why he was so private and wanted sex all the time
I agree with you, I seen the warnings the first couple of times we went out.
Yes, good. This is backing up what I'm starting to think. More data:
Second boyfriend
Good stuff
-Probably genius intelligence
-Hyper-ambitious
-Mysterious
Concerns
-Egotistical
-Perfectionist
-Only interested in me when other options fell through
Outcome: He broke it off with me and got married within a year afterward. I was never really his type and I sort of knew that from the beginning.
Third boyfriend
Good stuff
-Pretty boy
-Easygoing
-destined to earn money
Bad stuff
-materialistic
-shallow
-classist
Outcome: He was really into hanging out with his wealthy, beautiful-people friends whose main interests were earning money. I never felt secure competing in this environment, and eventually broke it off with him. He ended up marrying one of the beautiful, ambitious girls who made me nervous in the first place.
Extremely intelligent
Great Sense of Humor
Attractive
The Bad:
Possessive
Loud
Set in his ways
And yes, I did know all of this two weeks into our dating. He would get belligerent almost if I wanted a night home to myself and didn't want to see him. Plus, I worked for him and saw all his negatives and the way he treated me when I was just his employee - months before it got personal. No other boss ever made me run to the bathroom to cry.
What a great idea for a thread this is.
__________________
Has the garbage been taken out yet?
Bad:
compulsive (smoking and eventually drinking fell in this category, as well as him compulsively always touching me)
arrogant
impatient
I'm trying to formulate a comment. I was very hesitant to get involved with anyone within the first few weeks, so in a way I think I didn't pay much attention to the bad stuff. Rather I dismissed it as: meh, this is probably just a fling anyways.
This might be withdrawal talking, but I really don't regret getting to know this man. I am just really thankful for everything he gave me and everything I learned while I was with him. I think part of why we are at the point where we are right now is due to the fact that I had too much respect for the good between us to let the bad take over.
I agree Kamille, and that is always my biggest problem : I ALWAYS go into relationships thinking it will be a fun little fling, so who cares that he's broke, got a crazy ex, etc.
Now I am going to look for red flags earlier and with EVERYONE !
One ex-
Good:
So cool and confident
financially succesful
artistic
Bad:
controlling
judgemental
cheap
And yes, I saw the first two right away, and the "good" ended up being bad in practice. ( Too cool, financially succesful because he was so cheap, artistic: the studio was more important than the relationship)
__________________
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"Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all it's pupils." - Louis-Hector Berlioz
You know, Story... When I was talking to my therapist on Thursday about selecting the right people to enter a relationship with, I whined, "But it takes soooo long to see the bad parts!" She responded, "No it doesn't. They're there from the beginning. You just need to learn how to take a step back and look at the entire picture." So I think you're really on to something here.
However, Ex did a very, very good job of hiding the bad stuff from me in the first two weeks. As hard as I try, in the first 2-3 weeks I can only think of one thing! But by the end of the first month, I could see it all more (I just ignored it).
Good:
Ridiculously attractive
Down to earth personality
Sweet and affectionate
Bad (in first 2 weeks):
Incredibly moody
Bad (withing first month):
Selfish
Emotionally detached
Angered easily by trivial things
Lazy in our relationship
__________________
...and I feel like I'm naked in front of a crowd,
'cause these words are my diary screaming out loud,
and I know that you'll use them however you want to...
And yes, I did know all of this two weeks into our dating.
I'm wondering if being more mindful of these past outcomes can help us make better predictions in the future.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kamille
Most recent ex
compulsive (smoking and eventually drinking fell in this category, as well as him compulsively always touching me)
arrogant
impatient
Hmm. What do you mean about the compulsive touching? Did you mention that in one of your threads?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kamille
I had too much respect for the good between us to let the bad take over.
So you didn't want to kill all the good feelings out of growing resentment about the bad?
Quote:
Originally Posted by melodymatters
Now I am going to look for red flags earlier and with EVERYONE !
Every prospective mate will have some negatives, though, right? So how do we know which negatives are red flags and which are things we can live with?
Quote:
Originally Posted by melodymatters
Good:
So cool and confident
financially succesful
artistic
Bad:
controlling
judgemental
cheap
And yes, I saw the first two right away, and the "good" ended up being bad in practice. ( Too cool, financially succesful because he was so cheap, artistic: the studio was more important than the relationship)
I've had that experience, too. With my second boyfriend, I admired his drive and ambition, but he never viewed me as up to par. This left me with a huge inferiority complex when he dumped me.
My theory is that we know what aspects of the relationship will cause it to end within the first couple of weeks that we meet someone.
Kinda like, the demise is built into the creation itself even before the beginning of it? I think you might be onto something there!
With my exH, the beginning was more about seeking to fulfill my own needs (for security, to be loved, to belong to someone) than anything else. They blinded me to our incompatibilities. But the signs were there all along. It wasn't until after we'd gotten married and had a baby that I wised up.
After that, the BF's I've had - well, I guess the same thing! The signs were there from the beginning. But I ignored them because I felt the "good stuff" outweighed them. But it didn't, in the end.
They say marriage doesn't solve your problems, in fact it magnifies them 10x. I think this is true.
We're all doomed.
__________________
"The newsflash is that in the game of love we are ALL at Vegas, some of us are bigger gamblers than others...
The signs were there from the beginning. But I ignored them because I felt the "good stuff" outweighed them. But it didn't, in the end.
They say marriage doesn't solve your problems, in fact it magnifies them 10x. I think this is true.
We're all doomed.
Well, yes, but...all relationships have good points and warning signs in the beginning, yet some work out. What is the difference with the ones that end up lasting?
Is it that the negatives are all minor? Is it that the negatives are not in core-values areas?
Or is it that the individuals are accepting of the negatives and go into things with no illusions and their eyes open? Even in this case, resentment can build later when people "stuff" their unhappiness.
Well, yes, but...all relationships have good points and warning signs in the beginning, yet some work out. What is the difference with the ones that end up lasting?
Is it that the negatives are all minor? Is it that the negatives are not in core-values areas?
Or is it that the individuals are accepting of the negatives and go into things with no illusions and their eyes open? Even in this case, resentment can build later when people "stuff" their unhappiness.
I don't know the answers.
Very thought provoking. I think you're on to something.
Quote:
Hmm. What do you mean about the compulsive touching? Did you mention that in one of your threads?
I don't think I mentionned it anywhere. What I mean by it is that he was always touching me, even at times when I asked him to ease up. I couldn't walk passed him to, say, get myself a glass of water, without being 'grabbed', sometimes for minutes at a time. He always felt that I should be willing to put off whatever I was doing (oil frying in the pan or not) because receiving or giving affection should be the priority. I think it was compulsive in that for me it was sometimes highly unpractical, yet it reassured him if I dropped everything for him, if only for a few minutes. Times when I didn't respond, he would become even more 'needy' with requests for affection. It threw him for a loop if you will. The same thing would happen with sex. If we didn't have sex for a couple of days, he would start showing signs of insecurity. Sorry, totally rambling on somewhat of an off-topic, but I think I need to type if only to sort things out for myself.
Quote:
So you didn't want to kill all the good feelings out of growing resentment about the bad?
Exactly. I was starting to feel like we were losing sight of each other, of how much we loved and respected each other. Yet I didn't know how to stop being angry and hurt. I believed we both deserved better, whether together or each on our own.
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" --Tomcat33, May 21, 2008
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