Cheating, Flirting, and JealousyBeing unfaithful to your significant other or suspect them of the same? Can't stand the way they flirt? Jealous? Discuss your experiences here.
I had a situation happen earlier today that I'm getting strange vibes from, its just not sitting well with me and I'm considering bringing it to my gf's attn.
Background: Gf and myself are both 26, together for almost 9 months, going to buy a house together in the end of spring.
What has happened is I did a little snooping(not sure what to consider it) and given other recent events, I feel as if I've put the pieces together and I am beginning to suspect someting.
Two days ago, while at my place, my gf checked her e-mail on my computer and then we left for the night. The next morning, when I returned to my place, I noticed that the computer still had her e-mail window opened. I have never suspected her of anything and aside from the incident in my other thread, never went thru her things. Yet, I opened the window and saw in her inbox several messages from another man.
I also saw that she responded to the messages. The gist of the convo was: he e-mailed her, asked where she's been for the past year. she responds: she's happily in a relationship. he responds: he's single and he'd like to get together.
Normal enough, until...I recall my gf mentioning this guy earlier in our relationship, I know she used to talk to him regularly. I also know that my gf has had sex with nearly all of her guy friends. I'm confident, but not positive he was one of them.
Ok, now paranoia aside, here's where it gets icky.
This morning, we wake up at her apartment, I am woken by her typing an e-mail. I can't see what she's doing, but I recognize the e-mail site. I arrive back at my place and check the e-mail window. And I see that all of the messages between them have been deleted. {This is odd because she never deletes messages, had over 1000 inbox messages from as early as 2002}
Minutes later, she phones me to say she is having dinner on Sunday with friends and wanted to let me know that she'd be out for the night. [This is odd because neither one of us have done that in months.]
Many red flags are being raised in my head right now. My gf has a company e-mail that she increasingly uses for personal messages and I suspect she moved the conversation there as she uses that address during the day.
I am not comfortable with these circumstances, but there is no way that I can betray her trust and tell her what I have seen. With Sunday approaching fast I feel that I need to do something. I have a very bad feeling about this entire ordeal.
Do not buy a house (get married, have a baby) with your gf untill you know exactly what's going on. There are Too many red flags. By the way, if she has had sex with all her male friends, there not just friends. They are something else.
Surely you have more than this email conversation as your evidence of "something"? Because if you don't, you're looking for trouble where there is none...
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Do not buy a house (get married, have a baby) with your gf untill you know exactly what's going on. There are Too many red flags. By the way, if she has had sex with all her male friends, there not just friends. They are something else.
well, you might think of them as something else, but just because she's slept with them doesn't mean that they're inherently threats to the relationship. I have never been a one-night stand or "random hookup" guy, but i also haven't been in that many relationships, so a fair amount of my sexual experience has been with women that i've been longtime friends with. In fact, out of the five girls that I would say that I am VERY good friends with, I've slept with four of them at some point within the duration of our friendship. maybe it was rebound, loneliness, seeing if it would "work" between us, or just feeling close to them at that moment, but in any case, they were experiences that now that I am currently in a relationship are essentially meaningless - not that they were "trashy" or meaningless at the time, but compared to how intense my feelings are for my present GF they certainly don't have any effect on my current situation. And same goes for theirs too - in fact, two of these girls are now married, and I was in both of their weddings and have met both of their husbands, and there was no ill will, I felt nothing but happy for them and there was no complex about "I have f*cked your wife in the past" or any juvenile crap like that. I also know that my current gf has slept with her best male friend in a similar meant-something-but-really-didn't type of manner, and I've met him several times and not had a problem with it.
Now, to OP, I'm not saying that your suspicions are totally unfounded - you're in a tough situation here because you essentially shouldn't have seen the e-mails so you can't really confront her about it. but I know how guy's heads typically work and I just wanted to point out that the fact that she's slept with some close guy friends before shouldn't be seen as a threat or really have any bearing on the situation.
As far as a plan of action - I think that your best bet is probably to come clean and confront her. Tell her that you saw that the e-mails had been deleted, and then apologize for invading her privacy but tell her that it's only because you love her and were scared and had a moment of weakness. that way you'll have been honest, and I bet you that she'll have a lot more trouble not being honest with you than if you were to confront her angrily.
Rebre, I'm actually a little concerned for your gf. I may be completely wrong, I don't know her after all, but after reading your other thread, I think she may have some emotional problems.
27 (I hope I remembered that number right) is a lot of partners to have by the age of 26. Her keeping detailed records of the sex acts she had with her other boyfriends if disturbing. As someone else alluded to, this may be OCD behavior. It may be something else. Do you know anything of her family? Was she abused maybe or raped sometime in the past? I've known people who've been sexually abused and they often act out sexually (the keeping records, and the many sexual partners).
Of course, I could be wrong. I'm no expert. It just feels like there might be more going underneath the surface here.
Regardless, I'm still sticking to my old advice. Do not do anything with her that requires long term commitment, untill you know what's going on.
Believe me, I am hitting the brakes on the house thing. I meant it more as its something we're planning, otherwise, this is a serious relationship, I added that just to clarify that my situation isnt a casual hookup or anything.
And yes, 27 partners is a high number. Espcially compared to mine.
Aalike, yes I realize that because someone has sex with their friends, it does not constitute anything major, but, allow me to expand one factor.
In the e-mails, there were a lot of pet names. It was not the most typical email, it was more personal, thats what tipped me off and raised the red flags. To compound that, I do have a slight problem with this "friend" disapearing for a year and now that he's single, contacting my gf. Something just feels odd about this all.
As for the questioning what the Sunday night is going to entail, I will ask her those questions. I am not out to start trouble.
Believe me, I am hitting the brakes on the house thing. I meant it more as its something we're planning, otherwise, this is a serious relationship, I added that just to clarify that my situation isnt a casual hookup or anything.
And yes, 27 partners is a high number. Espcially compared to mine.
Aalike, yes I realize that because someone has sex with their friends, it does not constitute anything major, but, allow me to expand one factor.
In the e-mails, there were a lot of pet names. It was not the most typical email, it was more personal, thats what tipped me off and raised the red flags. To compound that, I do have a slight problem with this "friend" disapearing for a year and now that he's single, contacting my gf. Something just feels odd about this all.
As for the questioning what the Sunday night is going to entail, I will ask her those questions. I am not out to start trouble.
Look, if the girl is going to go out of her way and lie to you about meeting up with another man, at least make her work at it.
Casually ask her where and what time and who. Maybe tell her that you have some plans going on later that evening and that you were wondering if she might be interested in joining you. Point is... force her to hammer the story down then watch her reaction and hold her to it.
ah, I hadn't read the other thread - that definitely changes things.
So this is basically the second time that you've violated her privacy, and it's the second time that it's left you feeling uneasy. notice a trend?
It seems pretty clear to me that you obviously have a problem with her sexual past and that it's driving you to distrust. Would the journals and detailed descriptions bother me? yes, which is precisely why they're not for me to read! Could they be indicative of OCD behavior or sexual dysfunction? sure - but could they also just be indicative of a person that is into learning about her own body through experience. And honestly, there's nothing wrong with her keeping these things - there would only be a problem if she either showed you or created new ones with other people while you were dating. I mean, it's not like you throw away the memories in your brain when you start dating someone, so there's really no reason she should throw these memoirs out, despite whether or not you think that they are too vivid. she's allowed to preserve her memories in any way she chooses.
It really comes down to the fact that you are clearly struggling with her sexual past. and that's understandable and extremely common given your relatively low number when compared to hers. However, you need to decide if ultimately this is going to be a problem for you, and if so, get out now and don't look back, or if not, then accept it for what it was and move on. Staying involved but with constant distrust is not helping anyone.
So she's had 27 partners. Yes, that's factually above average for a girl of her age. However, I think a lot of hype is given to someone's "number" as a concept to the point where it blocks out the reasons and situations behind that number. I mean, if she started having sex at 16 (not uncommon in the 90's) and has not really been in a serious relationship before you, then you're looking at 2 or 3 people per year. not necssarily chastity, but also not cause for alarm in my opinion. now if she was in a nine-year relationship and then was with 26 guys in a year - maybe a little more worrisome. but in any event, people have different attitudes about casual sex, and there are many females today who, when outside of a realtionship, see no problem with a casual fling as long as they're protected and consenting, but yet understand that once in a relationship all that stuff ceases. your girlfriend is most likely one of those people - the question is can you accept that? if you can't, then it's time to walk now. if you can, then you need to sit down and tell her that you are prepared to get over her past and understand that it is your issue and not hers, but that she needs to respect your feelings and help you get over your hangups - and then you'll have to decide if you're comfortable with her remaining friends with her past lovers or not. only then can you progress in this.
Aalike, yes I realize that because someone has sex with their friends, it does not constitute anything major, but, allow me to expand one factor.
In the e-mails, there were a lot of pet names. It was not the most typical email, it was more personal, thats what tipped me off and raised the red flags. To compound that, I do have a slight problem with this "friend" disapearing for a year and now that he's single, contacting my gf. Something just feels odd about this all.
yeah ok that's understandable - but it doesn't change my position...you should tell her what you saw and go from there.
if you can, then you need to sit down and tell her that you are prepared to get over her past and understand that it is your issue and not hers, but that she needs to respect your feelings and help you get over your hangups - and then you'll have to decide if you're comfortable with her remaining friends with her past lovers or not. only then can you progress in this.
I'd agree with most of what your saying here... but I'm taking a different conclusion.
First, I think former sexual partners as friends... I'd say that is HIGHLY dependent upon the person as to whether that is Ok or not.
Rebre's GF is so bloody shady and weird that my vote goes for not Ok in this situation.
Look, in my experience most people only make the effort to snoop when they feel something is wrong... otherwise it's a big expenditure of energy, and the only payoff is for control freaks. This guy doesn't seem all that controlling.
I'd agree with most of what your saying here... but I'm taking a different conclusion.
First, I think former sexual partners as friends... I'd say that is HIGHLY dependent upon the person as to whether that is Ok or not.
Sure - but it should also depend on the number of friends like this and the circumstances of how she keeps in touch, etc. etc...I mean if all 27 were calling her regularly after leaving the bar, yeah, that's pretty awful. but I know that in my case at least three people that I've slept with in the past, all of which I had tried to date at one point but decided friendship was better and formulated great friendships with, are now very vital components of my life...and if my GF asked me to cut them off, I'd certainly have problems with that. in fact, I've stayed on at least good terms if not friends in regular communcation with most of the people that I've slept with, at least post college. I think if anything that's a testament to the fact that I don't just jump into bed with anyone - most of them were breakups that ended amicably. but then again my relationships were never that emotional until this one. in any case, I guess what I'm saying is that it depends.
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Originally Posted by Cobra_X30
Rebre's GF is so bloody shady and weird that my vote goes for not Ok in this situation.
Is there another thread about her that I'm missing again? If you're making this judgement just on the fact that she keeps journals of sexual stuff - although I totally see where that's highly unconventional, I don't necessarily find it shady. all sorts of people have quirks. if you knew all of my idiosyncracies, you'd think that I was weird too. if she kept that stuff to herself, I don't see what the problem was. had she published it or read it to him to make him jealous - big issue. remember, he wasn't supposed to see that - plenty of people write journals and I'm sure quite a few of them contain things of explicit nature.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cobra_X30
Look, in my experience most people only make the effort to snoop when they feel something is wrong... otherwise it's a big expenditure of energy, and the only payoff is for control freaks. This guy doesn't seem all that controlling.
I totally agree with that - and that's what I'm saying. I feel like the disclosure of her "number" led him to snoop in the first place, then he found the journals which intensified the problem, and now he's completely full of distrust and is reading her e-mails. whether he's justified isn't even really the issue, honestly. if he doesn't trust her or can't handle her past it doesn't really matter if she's cheating on him or not, the relationship can't continue, and this type of stuff is going to happen all of the time.
Look, if the girl is going to go out of her way and lie to you about meeting up with another man, at least make her work at it.
Casually ask her where and what time and who. Maybe tell her that you have some plans going on later that evening and that you were wondering if she might be interested in joining you. Point is... force her to hammer the story down then watch her reaction and hold her to it.
Heck, just ask her who she's going with and where. Two people in a committed relationship should be able to ask these questions without feeling like they're snooping. Moreover, if I'm meeting a friend or a group of people for dinner or drinks, I tell my boyfriend who I'm going with and where. In fact, he is usually either invited, or invited to join me/us after me and my friend(s) have had a little girl-time. Of course, if it's a mixed crowd, he's invited straight-up. He does the same. It's a matter of being open and courteous. After being together for several months, if he told me he was meeting 'friends' and would be 'out for the night', I'd find that a little...odd and evasive.
Nine months. Do not buy a house with this gal so fast. You need to be more sure of her and your relationship before you take a big step like that. My gosh, the mess it could turn into..? I, personally, do not understand why people in romantic relationships make large purchases like that without being married.
I'd agree with most of what your saying here... but I'm taking a different conclusion.
First, I think former sexual partners as friends... I'd say that is HIGHLY dependent upon the person as to whether that is Ok or not.
Rebre's GF is so bloody shady and weird that my vote goes for not Ok in this situation.
Look, in my experience most people only make the effort to snoop when they feel something is wrong... otherwise it's a big expenditure of energy, and the only payoff is for control freaks. This guy doesn't seem all that controlling.
I'd have to agree with this.
I have no moral issues with sex outside of marriage, one night stands, etc., but 27 partners is just not healthy, imo. When you have sex with someone, you become vulnerable. There's a chance you may have your feelings hurt, or get a disease, or become pregnant. Most people in a healthy state of mind would not open themselves up like that so many times. Add this to the fact that she keeps "sex" journals of her past boyfriends, it doesn't sound like a good situation at all.
I know that you want to except her past sexual history, but the past offers a glimpse of who a person is and should not be taken lightly, at least in a situation like this.
When you have sex with someone, you become vulnerable.
What???? I certainly don't think that's a universal truth. is this women only or men?
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Originally Posted by angie2443
There's a chance you may have your feelings hurt, or get a disease, or become pregnant.
obviously - but you run that exact same risk when having sex within a relationship. in fact, I think that a big part of the reason why people have casual sex in the first place is that the chances of having your feelings hurt are not nearly as prevalent. the other two risks are just as much there.
Quote:
Originally Posted by angie2443
Most people in a healthy state of mind would not open themselves up like that so many times.
judge much? I think that it's pretty clear that you DO have moral and/or judgemental issues with one night stands - which is completely fine, but I don't think that you should bring it to the table when giving advice. While 27 partners may seem like a lot to you, you know nothing of the girl nor the circumstances and to imply that she must have been abused or raped is making quite an assumption.
And as far as "a healthy state of mind" - even if your blanket statement were correct (which it's not), I would argue that most people in their late teens/early 20's, which is usually when people's "numbers" are acquired, are not in a fully healthy state of mind AT THAT TIME, and are probably not emotionally developed enough to have a fully functioning, sound relationship. So maybe she was immature and impulsive when this stuff happened, maybe she wasn't - none of that matters if she's put it all behind her and is ready to commit NOW. once you learn how to fully appreciate someone sexually, the casual sex will become immaterial. if she's there now, it doesn't matter if her "number" was 2, 27, or 270 (ok 270 might bother me - haha).
I don't know, I just feel like both Cobra and you are ready to yell "DUMP THIS WHORE" and I just don't see where that's justified in these examples. I really don't feel like 27 partners is that outrageous these days.
Quote:
Originally Posted by angie2443
Add this to the fact that she keeps "sex" journals of her past boyfriends, it doesn't sound like a good situation at all.
and I still think that this is only a big deal in the context of him seeing them. period.
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