My fiance is a heroin addict, presently in recovery. He tried, several times to stay clean. Not only does he use heroin, but cocaine, E and what have you. He abused the suboxone and cannot keep up the methodone.
So, again, he is in AA, and is trying cold turkey.
I love this man very much...more than I can even explain. Lately, my mind is completely taken over with "is he using, is he using now", etc...
I have caught him either in the house or right outside the house, twice, and I have had to physically take the drug away from him. I no longer drink or drug and am secure in my recovery...I am very strong willed and will not relapse unless I allow myself. My fiance is not strong willed and lately, I have to admit, that my mind is completely overwhelmed with wondering if he is using.
I cannot just say let me see your arms on a daily basis or take a test for me. It is not only degrading to him, but if he is not using (at this time) I am giving him a push in that direction by the way I will make him feel.
We are to get married this year, and I am doubting this now. There are no guarantees in life, just taxes and death. I need help dealing with this, I can no longer do this alone.
I honestly don't know what to say. I would not marry this man at all until he had proven he could stay sober - on his own without anyone monitoring him, supporting him, or mothering him - for at least a year. And the truth is - you will always worry and wonder. It will never go away. You will always worry and wonder when he will relapse. My SO is only an alcoholic and I will always wonder. I am a recovering addict myself, and I will always have to be vigilant. THat's why you can never say "I am a recovered addict" - you never are. You ALWAYS have to stay on top of your recovery and seek support in moments of stress or weakness.
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This is one doodle that can't be undid, Homeskillet.
Yes, I did attend al-anon and I did not care for it, I did not get out of it, what I get out of AA. AA is very beneficial for me and keeps me on the beam.
On his own, jusy will not happen, and I can say this. He is a wonderful man, BUT in this aspect, he cannot do it alone. He has not one person in his life, besides myself, who will give him a chance or the confidence to try this again and again.
I do not know why this is affacting me this way now, but I have to do something to try and deal. It is not fair for me to give him attitude and such and the reason is because I am having a very hard time dealing and do not know what to do.
I cannot fall apart, I have a home, children and a job that I have to hold together. I cannot "save" my fiance, I just need to find a way to deal, so I can be a good support system for him and help him through this.
Yes, I did attend al-anon and I did not care for it, I did not get out of it, what I get out of AA. AA is very beneficial for me and keeps me on the beam.
On his own, jusy will not happen, and I can say this. He is a wonderful man, BUT in this aspect, he cannot do it alone. He has not one person in his life, besides myself, who will give him a chance or the confidence to try this again and again.
You sound codependent.. Alanon would help you as well.. you are a recovering Addict who is involved with a recovering addict..
You cannot police him and be there to make sure he doesn't drink or drug..
Your SO has to do his recovery on his own with the support of the people around him but the people around him cannot enable him or coddle him.
I'm with B_O on this one..your SO has not actually been clean or sober yet for a good amount of time without relapsing.
I would be very careful about your codependencies that you have toward people that you are in a relationship with..
Go back to Alanon.. this time without the denial.. your SO is an addict/alcoholic and you love him.. but you need to not be COD on him for his sake and yours...
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~~ One day someone will walk into your life and make you see why it never worked out with anyone else.. ~~
On his own, jusy will not happen, and I can say this. He is a wonderful man, BUT in this aspect, he cannot do it alone. He has not one person in his life, besides myself, who will give him a chance or the confidence to try this again and again.
Well this is really concerning. IME you HAVE to be able to do it alone.
I was an active addict for almost 10 years. My family tried over and over and over again to get me help. Get me to rehab. Get me private counseling. I made my father cry - the second time in my life I've ever seen that man cry (the first time was when his mother died).
In the end I only got sober because I wanted to get sober. For myself and no one else.
You can't give him the confidence. He has to have it for himself. I learned a few years ago that it is impossible to be someone else's self esteem.
For the al-anon response, I went to that fellowship without predjuice or denial. I did not just go once, I gave it a chance. I am looking for a support system so I can deal with this in an adult manner.
I love this man and I do want to live my life w/him, but I cannot do that w/out finding a counselor of some sort to assist me dealing w/this. I either have to deal and accept the usage or go down this spiraling path of......?
So, are you saying walk away or deal and don't worry like I am?
IME - in my experience.
I dont' see how you can't worry. You have children. You have to provide them with a stable environment and cannot expose them to the drudgeries of addiction.
There's no reason why you should accept such behavior in your life, MUCH LESS the lives of your children.
As long as you are there supporting him and there are no consequences for him when he relapses, he will continue to use.
I love this man and I do want to live my life w/him, but I cannot do that w/out finding a counselor of some sort to assist me dealing w/this. I either have to deal and accept the usage or go down this spiraling path of......?
I would look for a counselor that has experience with codependence...
IMO you are clearly showing that you want to fix him and take on the responsibility of his sobriety..
That is showing me that you have codependent traits...
Your life is supposed to revolve around you and him.. The person separate from the drugs and alcohol.
Your life isn't supposed to revolve around you and his sobriety. His sobriety is his deal not yours...
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