On this topic again. I am having a bad day in regards to bf's drinking and smoking habits. He drinks everyday, 2-5 drinks a day (lately it's been more 5 then 2) and I hate it and I don't know why I hate it. We talked last week and he basically forced me to say that yes, according to me he is an alcoholic and his drinking habits scare me -not for how he is in the present but for what it might mean for the future. He even said, fine then, I'm alcoholic.
He doesn't change mood, doesn't change his attitude towards me, it doesn't affect his capacity to do his work. The only thing is that he smells of alcohol and that grosses me out - but it likely grosses me out because of the fact that his habits bother me. The sound of liquid pouring out of a bottle drives me nuts. But he sees no problems with his current level of consumption and so, therefore, doesn't feel he needs to change his habits.
There's something about it that's linked to the fact that when he drinks and smokes (cigarettes) it makes me feel like he doesn't take care of himself and doesn't take care of us.
It makes me wonder if maybe the best thing to do is leave him, since I can't accept it and he doesn't see his drinking as a problem. I would be passing up on someone who is otherwise fanstastic for me - but like I said, his chronic drinking is becoming a chronic issue for me.
I feel like I have to accept him as he is and that it certainly isn't my place to tell him to stop drinking. He's a grown man. Yet I can't explain how powerless his habits make me feel - and certainly can't explain it to him. He does get self-defensive on this topic.
I've been crying all day, when he's not around. I don't know what advice I am looking for. Maybe just some guidance to sort out my thoughts and support. And I mean, what do you think, does 5 drinks a day an alcoholic make?
He drank before you started dating, right? Perhaps you just didn't see how much?
Well, this is who he is, Kam. You say his drinking doesn't change the way he is with you or acts in your relationship, but it does. Without the booze, he wouldn't be the same dude. Granted, there are times when he's been dead sober in your presence, but within your relationship you only know him as (I hate to say it, but you're right) an alcoholic. You don't know him as a man who lives a sober life, or a life of moderation. If he were to curtail his drinking, he'd be a different person. That different person may, or may not, be someone you'd still love...maybe even more, who knows.
I agree with you that, while it might not be a "problem" now, it certainly might be down the road. So it seems your only recourse is (1) accept it, (2) end it. You know you can't make an alcoholic change - they have to want to change on their own.
Have you talked to him about really, really not liking it? And how it makes you consider not continuing with the relationship?
Are either of his parents alcoholics?
__________________
...and I feel like I'm naked in front of a crowd,
'cause these words are my diary screaming out loud,
and I know that you'll use them however you want to...
Lizzie, I take it your father was an alcoholic. One of my fears is rooted in what it means for children to be raised around so much drinking. What was it like for you?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Star Gazer
He drank before you started dating, right? Perhaps you just didn't see how much?
Well, this is who he is, Kam. You say his drinking doesn't change the way he is with you or acts in your relationship, but it does. Without the booze, he wouldn't be the same dude. Granted, there are times when he's been dead sober in your presence, but within your relationship you only know him as (I hate to say it, but you're right) an alcoholic. You don't know him as a man who lives a sober life, or a life of moderation. If he were to curtail his drinking, he'd be a different person. That different person may, or may not, be someone you'd still love...maybe even more, who knows.
I agree with you that, while it might not be a "problem" now, it certainly might be down the road. So it seems your only recourse is (1) accept it, (2) end it. You know you can't make an alcoholic change - they have to want to change on their own.
Have you talked to him about really, really not liking it? And how it makes you consider not continuing with the relationship?
Are either of his parents alcoholics?
Thanks SG, I find your reply incredibly helpful. You are right, - this is how I have always known him.
Talking about it is complicated, as you can guess. He feels judged. I never told him it makes me consider not continuing the relationship. I wouldn't say he knows I really really don't like it, but he knows it makes me feel powerless and that it scares me.
We had one major talk about it - one that actually ended up pretty well. At that time we had agreed that if we wanted us to work, I needed to be able to share my concerns about the role alcohol played in our lives.
Both his parents drink daily at both lunch and dinner. His two sibblings drink even more then he does (a lot of binging).
Alcoholism isn't a little problem. It's huge. It's a disease that tears families apart. My Ex is the way he is largely in part due to an alcoholic father who believed he was doing a good job by drinking at night when the kids were asleep (). My mother's father/grammy's first husband was also an alcoholic. Both men slowly withdrew from their families and were absent in spirit. Both my mother and Ex have abandonment issues of their own from having emotionally detached/absent parents. My mother is particularly scarred.
My live-in BF of about 5 years ago was also an alcoholic, but he didn't drink every day. He just didn't know his limits. Once he started, he couldn't stop. He made a fool of himself as time went on and his drinking escalated, and once hit me (literally, on accident, with the bathroom door). I realize now that he loved his booze more than he ever loved me.
I think that I will gather more information before I decide anything. My aunt is married to an alcoholic - I will go talk to her.
I will also contact my local Al-Anon chapters.
I think part of my issue is the choice. Feeling like I have a choice whether or not I accept it. Deep down I want to learn to accept it and stay with him. He is otherwise a fantastic partner, very supportive, sensitive to my needs, energetic, a great provider who makes me laugh.
And yes, I sometimes feel he loves his booze more then he loves me. hmmm... maybe I'm just jealous of the booze.
Okay, this really isn't true... you know that, right? The booze controls him, K. He doesn't have the ability to put your needs ahead of the booze... at least not right now.
You're in a different time zone, but alcoholism is the subject of Dr. Phil that's starting right now...
You have one answer then: this isn't going to stop, and just might get worse.
His drinking getting worse is my fear exactly.
When we talked he asked me how/if his drinking affected me and I answered that it didn't. I mentioned the time when he chose to drink his troubles away and he promised that wouldn't happen again... (we'll see)...
When we talked he asked me how/if his drinking affected me and I answered that it didn't. I mentioned the time when he chose to drink his troubles away and he promised that wouldn't happen again... (we'll see)...
Another untruth, Kam. It does affect you! It bothers you enough to question ending your relationship. If you're not being honest with him (and you don't even have an addiction), can you trust him to keep his word when there's a substance that controls him?
Okay, this really isn't true... you know that, right? The booze controls him, K. He doesn't have the ability to put your needs ahead of the booze... at least not right now.
You're in a different time zone, but alcoholism is the subject of Dr. Phil that's starting right now...
I don't have cable...
In jan he stopped drinking for a few weeks to 'cleanse' himself because he had indulged over the vacations and to show me that he had control and that my needs came first. He handle it pretty well. Sweated like crazy the first few days. I pointed it out but he denied it was alcohol withdrawal.
Another untruth, Kam. It does affect you! It bothers you enough to question ending your relationship. If you're not being honest with him (and you don't even have an addiction), can you trust him to keep his word when there's a substance that controls him?
Ok, what I actually answered was that no I couldn't think of any ways in which it affected me, except that it scared me.
I guess you're right. I need to tell him that it makes me consider leaving the R. I guess I will wait until he is sober to do this.
Kamille, I'm wondering if cultural background should be factored in here.
I am in no way saying that this IS or ISN'T a problem...but it occurred to me, while reading your thread, your SO is French (I recall reading this in some other thread a while ago). I know the French can be very passionate about their alcohol (especially wine). Heck, most Europeans I know (the French, the Danish, etc) treat their alcohol differently...their relationship with alcohol is different.
I'm not sure what your cultural background/upbringing is, but do you think that your SO simply doesn't see alcohol the way you do?
__________________
"I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer." - Douglas Adams
Kamille, I'm wondering if cultural background should be factored in here.
I am in no way saying that this IS or ISN'T a problem...but it occurred to me, while reading your thread, your SO is French (I recall reading this in some other thread a while ago). I know the French can be very passionate about their alcohol (especially wine). Heck, most Europeans I know (the French, the Danish, etc) treat their alcohol differently...their relationship with alcohol is different.
I'm not sure what your cultural background/upbringing is, but do you think that your SO simply doesn't see alcohol the way you do?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Prodigal Princess
I agree with Ocean-Blue. Where I live, drinking is a big part of our culture and 2 - 5 drinks every day is pretty normal.
I think its pointless trying to label him as an alcoholic because in the end that is something for him to decide.
Obviously you each have very different views on drinking. The question is - who is willing to compromise?
Well we ended up talking last night, and I'm not very proud of how I brought up the subject, but we did managed, in the end to minimally feel like we understood each other.
Yes I think alcool is a dayly part of his culture and upbringing, where in mine it is generally reserved for high shcool rites of passage, all of college and then social events or special dinners.
He doesn't feel like he is dependant on alcool and at first questionned my reasons for hating it so much that it would make me question the relationship. He wants to know why his habits are a problem for me (because otherwise they don't create any other problems in his life). Tough question - but I repeated pretty much what I said here. It scares me: it makes me fear he is or will become dependant and it makes me fear for his health. He had counter arguments for it all, but he eventually recognized that my fears didn't need to be 'rational' to be validated.
I recognized that they were prompting me to make wild allegations.
He agreed to try and ease up a little bit on alcool, for me. I don't know how I feel about the "for me" part. My whole angle is that he sould be doing it for him - but since he really believes and is asking me to believe that he doesn't have an addiction, then maybe the dynamic is different.
I mean, I certainly don't want him to resent me, but if he says he isn't addicted, then changing his habits shouldn't be a big deal.
I also feel like I need to learn a lot more about alcool. I always relied on pretty common ideas about dependance: if you drink everyday and you drink alone, then you have a problem.
ADVERTISEMENT In association with Amazon, a portion of your purchase helps support LoveShack.org
All times are GMT -4. The time now is 11:56 PM.
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
I am having a bad day in regards to bf's drinking and smoking habits. He drinks everyday, 2-5 drinks a day (lately it's been more 5 then 2) and I hate it and I don't know why I hate it. We talked last week and he basically forced me to say that yes, according to me he is an alcoholic and his drinking habits scare me -not for how he is in the present but for what it might mean for the future. He even said, fine then, I'm alcoholic. 
). My mother's father/grammy's first husband was also an alcoholic. Both men slowly withdrew from their families and were absent in spirit. Both my mother and Ex have abandonment issues of their own from having emotionally detached/absent parents. My mother is particularly scarred.
Linear Mode
