[canadian976]

Aww where to begin. This is so darn complicated I dont want to write a novel because nobody will read it but the details cram my head.
Met girl 7.5 years ago at a party, Halloween 1999. Weve been an item ever since. 7 years age differnce, at the time she was 16. 2001 moved in together weve been in the same house until today. Now she 25 me 31. Near our anniversary 2006 I popped the question and ring after getting hints from her for over 6 months.
Things have been great, no major fights she going to college 4th yr me running my own business. Life ups and downs of course but hey who doesnt have them.
Then she breaks down Dec 07, catches me way off guard. Says shes not happy lists a bunch of materialistic like things, wants to move to new house doesnt like me smoking in the house anymore wants to have shiny new furniture all over the map.
She then goes and stays at her cousins place. This ensues for a bit and after my pleas she comes home for xmas, we spend xmas together it is nice. Meantime she takes up weekly counselling sessions, looks hopeful. Says needs her space. I try to oblige.
She goes on a 5 day trip to see family/friends just out of town, I oblige think it will be good for her. Then New Years she calls me at 4PM and says she wants me to come over there for NYE. I tell her I'm broke, I spent my money getting prepared for her to come home (orig plan) and I wouldnt get there until 10PM and I dont know the people she wants me to go spend NYE with anyway neither does she (except for her brother & sister, its a tiny little gathering maybe 8 people.) I dont end up going just too short of notice.
She comes home, Jan 08, says she wants to move out. I am beside myself, try to convince her to stay. Few days later she wants to go back to the cousin's place and goes for a week, I eventually get her to come back, say I want to try to work it out whatever it is we work on it together.
All the while she is getting really touchy and hypersensitive. I disagree with something she throws it to me like I always disagree with everything. I'm even trying to be sensitive shes going through a tough time I am walking on eggshells.
Anyways when she comes home I put it to her, come on you must decide if you are going to work through your problems WITH me or WITHOUT me. I want to be there for you but I cant if you keep running away from your life.
While she was away I was afraid I was getting dumped and dragged along. Told her if she was going to do that please just shoot me the bullet now I'll take the pain but please dont drag it out if thats what you are really trying to do, were to get married for goodness sakes.
So 5 days later we're sitting on the couch things seem to be looking better. I notice shes not wearing her engagement ring and ask her whats up. She says she put it back in the box and gave it back to me, thought the feeling was mutual. Of course I start to cry because here she broke the engagement and I didnt even notice and she didnt even really mention it to me. I beg her to reconsider, please dont do this. She doesnt really budge at all.
Next day no movement at all not even really much discussion I go crazy while she is out at work. Pack up all the cards and gifts and letters and momentos over 7 years and the rings and put them all in a box, all they do is remind me of broken dreams. I tell her that this is what I'm doing and I need an evening to just think about what I am going to do about this because she seems way too cool about all of this like its not even a huge deal.
Great timing, huh - next day is Valentines day. She tries to make me feel better, gets me a gift and a nice card and nookie in the am but I'm still just devastated. I was going to do all this nice stuff for her but ATM I'm not sure if I should just walk right out or not. I have a hard time accepting her gift and tell her why. Before I accept her gift I go through the box of all the momentos and start to cry, I show her her own card that says "when are you going to put a ring on my finger".
We talk a long time. She says she wants to be with me but just not get married. Says its all too fast, to which I'm like what, 7.5 years living together for 6? Says she wants to maybe get married in 6 years, when she is 30. I'm 31 now that would be when I'm like 38 I'm like whoa wow please dont make me wait that long.
For the current engagement I've been in no huge rush neither has she she is in school I am running my own business, soonest we could do the party would be in about 1.2 years under the best of circumstances. Weve been together for 7.5 years I'm in no huge hurry for the party neither is she so I'm not pressuring her against a longer engagement, hell its been 7.5 why start rushing now. But another 6 years is kind of nuts.
I'm torn. On one side she gives all the signals that she loves me wants to be with me forever even wants to marry me eventually, doesnt have anyone else in the picture blaba. On the other side she doesnt want to commit to moving into the next phase of our life even in a few years she now wants to wait six more. Its really hard for me to continue in the relationship and uninstall Wife 0.5b and reinstall to Girlfriend 7.6 (hope you catch my humour) after all this time it would be nice to move forward.
I'm not in a huge rush to get married nor to have kids, I'm trying to run my own business so personally I'm not pressuring her on anything because I've got my own ups and downs to navigate without those added stresses. Shes got another 4 years of school too.
But I dont want to wait until I'm 38 to get married and probably until 40 to have children. God I'm not young anymore at 31 but I've still got a lot of zest for life.
Only known issues are that she would like to travel and I'm running my own business so I'm not much of a travel bug. She wants to do a 3 mo term in Capetown and this is the only thing I've been uncomfortable with, 2 in 5 women there are raped every year and 1 in 5 has HIV I just see the risks as too huge she could come back infected and raped or if she got lonely it could be a permanent problem HIV is uncurable. She went there with her mom just last year for 3 weeks and I told her I have no problem with her visiting sometime because she has family but 3 months is too much. Lately with her university she's also entertaining the thought of out of town schools. My problem with those was only that she started applying without first talking to me about her options, a 4 year program to be anywhere close to her I'd have to move, I would expect to at least be involved in those kind of decisions.
I'm a man who does his digging, and best I can muster is that her mother suggested this 3 month thing and is pressuring her to do it and somehow redirecting that I dont love her unconditionally because I wouldnt feel comfortable with it (I never said I'd dump her I just said I would not be comfortable with it at all I was worried sick for her last time she went because of the violent crime and rape rates). I see the emails her mom writes it makes me sick as I've always gotten along with her and its all like "you go ahead be strong tell him how it is" about all sorts of things and she's talking about her divorce with her first husband (womans father). Its like the mother is coaching her on how to dump me but never out and out direct like "you need to be on your own" its all between the lines.
I saw this and came out and emailed the mother said I was concerned that all these people were talking to her from her family but nobody bothered to call me to ask how she was doing, mother basically gave me the "its unfortunate when someone wants to end the relationship" form letter. I was upset and showed it to my fiancee, she said "mother doesnt know what shes talking about" and called her and gave her heck for sending me something so volatile.
I guess I'm ranting a bit now. Anyways I'm all torn. Cold feet is something that is normal during an engagement I've read all about it, its a scary proposition hell just proposing had me nervious as hell and I had cold feet for a few weeks so I understand. Feels like her mother is driving a wedge using the cold feet for an opening which really hurts because I always liked the mother and treated her well and got along with her great. The woman says she loves me and wants to be with me forever but in a way its hard to go back to Girlfriend 7.6 after having Wife 0.5b and the thought of waiting another 6 years just to get married scares the hell out of me, I want to be young enough to enjoy my children - I'm in no huge rush but hey I'm 31 I do have to start thinking about timing I wont be on this earth forever.
How long do I wait for her to come around? Any way I can kick start the process for her? Should I just leave and take my own break, move out make her want me more or something? Or just drop it all and just move on? Confront the mother full of piss and vinegar give her a peice of my mind?
Ive tried the romantic dates and home cooked dinners etc been really soft and supportive during the time. I figure that if shes going to counselling out of her own pocket and still professes her singular love for me it cant be that bad. But the 2.5 months since the counselling started, shes made like zero headway, things have gotten worse now shes broken the engagement, it doesnt seem to help!
Whats worse is our landlord is selling the house, which while its good for her (she said she wants us to move out of this place anyway) its bad in financially (rents have doubled since then) and kind of puts a ticking time bomb clock on this whole situation; I dont want to move in with her into a new place if this situation is just going to get worse, shes going to dump me or I'm going to dump her.

???

[amymarieca]

Ok so the post is a little long, but I will say one thing. When a girl makes a decision, it's usually because she has thought it out for a long time. For example, when I ended my 8 year relationship with my boyfriend, it took me months to decide if it's what I really wanted.

Plus, you have to consider that you have been dating her since she was 16 so maybe she is freaking out because she obviously hasn't dated many other people.

I would say don't be pushy. Give her some space because that's probably what she really wants. If you try too hard, you may actually push her away more.

Hope this helps.

[1975ville]

You may have to accept the fact that there is nothing you can do for her.

Does panic seize you at this thought? Don't let it.

I didn't read your entire post, but she sure does sound young at 24 and since you met her as a teenager, well. She might want to experience the world. However, I could be wrong.

I'd sit back and use this time to take a break. Sounds like your very emotional (with good reason) and need to look at the bigger picture.

First, relax and make sure to take care of yourself first.

[1975ville]

Okay, now I did read the rest of your post.

Dude, relax. I know this is difficult you are certainly panicing. I know it seems like your world is wrapped up in this girl. You have to put yourself first.

When it comes to relationships, sometimes the most logic things don't make any sense. People are irrational and make decisions based on emotions. For certain, take a break. Trying to reason with her or convince her to get married is not the solution. You'll only end up with a life of heart ache the discontent.

It is a calamity but not the end of the world. I'd prepare for the worst, batten down the hatches and leave her alone.

Stop, take inventory of the good things you have going for you. There are billions, BILLIONS of women out there.

Yes, it will be hard.

Yes, there will be pain.

Yes, your going to miss her.

But life will get better if it does not work out. The sooner you face the reality and accept, the better you will be.

Your going to be okay.

Good Luck brother.

[nadiaj27]

I know it is a small consolation right now, but you are young and have a lot to offer. So try to focus on yourself, get out there do things with your friends, family and community. Meet new girls and go to dates and parties. Start an exercise program or some other goal you can work towards.

I wish you the best.

[Walk]

Originally Posted by canadian976

How long do I wait for her to come around? Any way I can kick start the process for her? Should I just leave and take my own break, move out make her want me more or something? Or just drop it all and just move on? Confront the mother full of piss and vinegar give her a peice of my mind?

Not sure if you're coming back to read the thread you started... but either way...

I can kind of identify with your gf. When you've been with someone as long as she's been with you, and from such a young age, you begin to lose who you really are. All decisions have been made in regards to how the other person feels about it. It starts to feel as though you're trapped by the person you're with. It feels as if you can't grow, or change past that 18 year old kid at the beginning of the relationship. It creates feelings of guilt and resentment.

So.. what I recommend is that you remove yourself from influencing her. It'll be good for you because making a decision and taking action puts control of the situation back into your hands. Yet it's good for her because she gets the space she needs to figure out who she is without the immediate influence of your desires.

Your gf has been with you her ENTIRE adult life. There hasn't been a day since she was 18 that she could simply do something without discussing it with you first. Her world is confined to what will work best for the relationship. Her decisions have all been focused on making you happy. She hasn't had a chance to be selfish and think solely about who she wants to be. It has always, her entire adult life, been a matter of what would work best for the relationship.

You need to let her live her life for a while. It probably won't result in her coming back to you, or having the life you thought you would have with her. But if you really love this girl, then let her go. Give her your blessing to do and be what she wants. Let her know you care about her well-being, and that you want whats best for her, and that you believe she is a compentent and capable adult woman who can make her own decisions in life.

Up to this point, your actions and words say that you don't trust her to make compentent decisions on her own, or trust that she is capable of taking care of herself. You are acting like a man (which is normal) and attempting to prevent her from making what you see as a bad decision. You're trying to protect her while she is attempting to prove she is capable of taking caring for herself. She needs to know she is capable of making her own decisions without your influence in order to have the self-esteem necessary to share her life with someone. Continuing to attempt to protect her from her own actions keeps her in the role of the 18 year old girl you met 7.5 years ago. She's not that woman anymore... Let that girl go. Your gf is trying to change and you're frightened of that change. The harder you try to prevent it, the further you push your gf away. Embrace the change, even if it means your gf may choose not to stay with you, but you'll have a greater chance that the woman who returns to you is greater then the girl you let go.