[GlamourBabe]

Hi Guys and Girls

I have wrote on here before, my story but I have added the background again for all who dont know my situation. The update is toward the end for all who have read this before..

I will cut down the surrounding specifics, but to date I am 21 and as a child I was physically and mentally abused my my parents. I then went into a relationship with a man at the age of 15, and he was 32! Where I was then subjected to further abuse. I suppose I got a lucky escape when he slept with someone else then got her pregnant. I was 20 by this time. At the age of 17 I had an abortion, this was his child. And at the age of 20 I was then raped whilst being at university. My best and only friend at the time dumped after this as she had met her new boyfriend and I was too much of a burden to deal withThis rape in question, caused me to leave university and move back to my hometown as I felt that I needed this time to reflect upon my life to date. As sad is it sounds now, I even thought that me and this man could get back together but you wouldnt believe it, he didnt want me back!

Unfortunately, MONEY was a big issue when I came back. I have completed my first year of a nursing degree and left it on a "i-will -return -soon-basis" but I had no job back in my home town. I was also very depressed and dealing with all the rejection and hurt I had endured in my life. I felt a deep loneliness that I never thought existed and spent days thinking of how to end my life.

Fortunately, through my 21 years of survival I have miraculously bought myself back up on all counts. I did in this situation, I was still severely in depression but I got myself a flat and I looked for a job. I am an intelligent girl so I went for 3 interviews and got them all. All paying good money. However, this depression was caving me in, and when you have no family support or no friends to say "Its going to be alright" going to work everyday from 9-5 just seemed impossible. I couldnt do it. And I didnt

I was in a crisis, I had rent to pay, bills to pay, no job, severe depression, alone. What would I do? I had some savings to last me a while, but I knew it wouldnt last forever. I just wanted to earn good money but without having to put 40 hours of work into it. Its not that I am work-shy or lazy here. I would like to stress this. I just didnt feel capable of it. I felt very neglected and didnt feel like I could cope with this task

The fact that I had been accepted by all 3 jobs gave me some new confidence and I started going to the gym and began to feel a little better about myself which is when I met X.

I met him on an online website, I met him on the intention I wasnt going to like him very much. At this point everyone I seemed to meet hurt me, then left. X is now 26 years old, and I suppose I fell for him because he reminds me so much of myself. His father passed away a couple of years back like me. He felt like he never belonged as a child. e.t.c e.t.c He also didnt have any qualifications or a job and never really stuck to anything. He had always left but hee had some depression issues too which is probably how we bonded because I understanded him and he understanded me. he made me laugh, and he made me feel warm and wanted. I liked him and I fell in love with him .

However, my savings had run out and in the back of my mind I was still feeling that depressed emptiness eating away at the core of me. I decided to try Escorting. ( I know awful) . I didnt tell X at first, I just couldnt. It was shameful, but I knew I would have too soon. He was already starting to ask questions as to how I was able to afford my flat and I had already told him that my mum was paying it for me. I told him this when we first met because I did not think I was going to like him very much and I just thought he was going to come and use me like everyone else had done in the past

When you have never been loved by anyone unconditionally in your life, you constantly seek the approval of others. That your preety, you can do it, your great. e.t.c e.t.c Past guys that I used to date before were on my phone and the phone was constantly beeping with messages from them. I used to put amunition into it because I would reply and it was not good. I understand that now. X already had trust issues and this made it worse for him. He would constantly be checking my text messages and emails when I was asleep. And it made me feel trapped.


I eventually told him on my 21st birthday because he noticed in my search history that I had been looking on escort sites. I didnt want to lie to him . I loved him so much, and I thought at the time being honest was best. He appeared to be hurt. I had seen 2 people at the time of me telling him and I told him about them. He asked me to stop but I just sat there and told him the truth about my situation. By this point he said was in love with me too, but felt bad for the situation.

I told him this was only temporary as I wanted to go and finish my nursing in Jan ( Which I now am! ) . I told him this in August. After telling him the truth he was so upset and it broke my heart that my messed up life could do this to someone but he agreed to try and accept it for my sake. However, at first he said " If your going to do this, I want something out of it meaning I will live with you rent free!" I accepted this, because I knew asking him to stand by me was a big decision but he soon said that was an awful thing to say.

X didnt have a job, he was on benefits and I suppose he identified with being so depressed in life you feel uncapable of working. He had his means of making money. i.e selling pirate cds on ebay but nothing that would amount to anything substantial. Of course, I was rolling in it. Earning maybe 1000-1500 a week. That being only 5-6 hours work in some cases.


At this point in me and X's relationship I began to feel the financial burden in our relationship. I would pay for things quite a lot even though sometimes he told me not too because he felt bad about it, but it was like a vicious circle I felt bad that he put up with what I did so I would want to give him things. He didnt have very much money so I would always get nice treats in the fridge for him, and most of the time I would pay for his train fare to come and see me. I would nearly always pay for take aways and I nearly always paid for meals that we would have. (He now says he felt a lot of negative energy when I used to do this ) . However, the point of this was that he would accept all of these things because he knew that I loved him and wanted to make him happy

Things started to go wrong when what I was doing was taking its toll. I began to talk about it more, he bagan to talk about it more. My work phone would constantly be ringing and the demands of keeping my boyfriend happy too just got to much. I began snapping at him, and just began to resent him. I would get angry and get upset and not even know why I was getting upset but I know now. I hated what these men were doing to me. I hated my life and I always felt like I was tense and that my blood was boiling. X didnt drive so I always felt like everything to do with making our relationship work was on me. I just felt like I was getting poorlier when really I should of just got a normal job to start off with.

On top of all of this, X was still checking my personal phone, emails and constantly trying to catch me out. I felt like I was sinking under it all and I wanted to run away. I became someone else, I felt like I looked like Me but when I spoke I couldnt control who spoke. It was like some awful force took over me and I couldnt do anything about it.

X broke up with me 12 weeks ago. Our relationship had lasted 6 months It hit me like a ton of bricks, because he was meant to move in with me. I just felt like one of his feats he had quit. I realised how much I loved him but at the time I couldnt see where I went wrong. The day he broke up with me, I wanted to commit suicide. I felt despair from the pit of my stomach, and devastation was an understatement. Everything was black

X said what I did in the relationship "done him in" and he couldnt take it anymore but it wasnt just that. He didnt feel well himself. He had depression himself and just felt like he wanted to be alone. I didnt like the "x" that was saying this to me. I just felt like all of the rejection I have ever had in my life was facing me and the pain overwhelmed me. It literally felt like a truck had run over me a 1000 times and I was still alive! When I would go out, It felt like I was dying and everyone around me was acting normal

Now, since this break up I have experienced some highs and lows. I quit the escorting as I thought that was the best thing to do. The only thing escorting gave me was 6 weeks of pure hell and lost me someone I love very dearly. Me and X have not managed to go past 7 days of NC. Either he will contact me , or I will contact him. He has not initiated any contact with other women and if I ask he calls me insane for asking such a thing. He says he has no intention for looking for anyone right now. I feel so bad that I thought I would be able to do what I was doing and have him. I feel immense guilt at how I have made him feel and its eating away at me. He says that the relationship break up was all my fault, and when he speaks to me with no respect he will says it my own fault. He then calls me back to apologise and here we go again! I just want him to give me another chance. I feel so sorry for what I did. I feel stupid that I even thouht what I was doing could just brush under the carpet and everything could be ok. I was trying my best and now I feel like I failed. I really miss him.

I feel like we are going round in circles now. I have initiated the NC thing but have ended up calling him. He does not like the thought of me telling him I dont want to talk as it makes him feel awful and he has cried at the thought of it in the past. He says he wants to keep in contact with me still but I am not sure if I can do it

Me and X have met up on 4 different occasions since then and have been intimate on all occasions. He says that he is not using me but he loves me which is why he wants too. I am worried that he is using me but because I love him I feel like I have got to the stage where I would do anything for him because I want him back and that I have no one in my life who loves me

On many occasions we will spend an hour minumum talking about things. Sometimes Light-hearted other times not so light hearted which he will go into detail about what upsetted him about me and he will get angry with me and I will get upset. He will then call me and apologise and say he didnt mean it, and the cycle goes on. He has been having counselling for the past two months for his issues but he hasnt mentioned what I done to the counsellor even though I suggested he should.

I know that him seeing me and sleeping with me is not good, but when I ask him if we will get back together he says "possibly" "not right now" or I should just "try to get on with things" Yet he still wants to keep in contact with me.

I have asked for forgiveness, and he says " I dont need to be forgiven , and that it wasnt my fault" I have quit what damaged our relationship. I have begun looking into counselling. I have even read a load of books and started reading Dr Phill Mcgraw - Self Matters. Creating your life from the Inside Out. I have found new revelations about myself since reading this book and it helps a lot. I have told him I am so sorry and faced up to my mistakes. I never intentionally meant to upset him at all and I just feel really worthless at the moment. I do not do escorting anymore and I am finishing my nursing degree at the moment so money is tight again and I feel like I am back to square one. I have moved out of my lovely flat and back into student accomodation but lack of money means I cant really go anywhere

He doesnt like the idea of me being with anyone. He has told me that already. He said he would have to accept it if I wanted to go out with someone but he doesnt like it all? I mean he finished with me what do I do here? I really want him back but all this is confusing me. The I admit I tell him I love him first before he says it back but he still says it and of course coming to see me because he "misses me and he loves me"

A week ago sunday, it got all too much for me and I just wanted to end it all. I had just moved out of my flat into a tiny bedsit and life was awful. On top of all of this, I am devastated about my relationship. He says he cares for me and loves me but on the phone he will swear at me and call me " d*** head " even though he says it dont mean anything.

I live on hospital grounds and I was so low my friend called the Nurse Practitioner and the next day I was referred to community mental health team and they said I shouldnt talk to him as he sounds like an abuser and makes me feel guilty about what I did but he accepted the fruits of my work

He called on Monday to see if I was ok, and he text. On wednesday he called again. Again I ignored. However, by the sunday again after 7 days NC I thought that I had to give in and reply. I didnt want him to be worried about me as I love him too much. So I did and he was f**** off to say the least. He wasnt very nice to me and said it was deliberate that I didnt call him. I tried to explain that I was trying to think about myself for once and he just wasnt having any of it

So I said to him, look I cant be in contact with you unless you want to be with me because the telephone conversation turned out ok afterwards and he was even thinking of coming down to see me. However, I know that if he does that we will just end up sleeping together and I wont hear from him for a few days. I said I dont want him using me for sex, and he got angry at me. Saying that I am definately not well to say something like that As soon as I say something he doesnt agree with, he will shout me down or hang up on me.

Its wednesday today. but yesterday night I went to see my mum and earlier I mentioned she was an abuser, well an incident occured yesterday where she abused me for the umpteenth time. I felt so low, I had no one to turn too at all. I called X, he was not pleased to say the least. He said " I thought you werent going to talk to me again ". " Your problems are too much for me to deal with " " I have things to do " We have broken up, couples help each other not when they are not together" I get so confused because this man says he loves me and cares about me. Well he hung up on me 3 times last night and he didnt even call back the last time

I said I get worried that he will meet someone else and think she is better than me and he said he "doesnt want anyone right now, let alone me" He says, " maybe I have become selfish ". He says I have no right to feel this way as he had to "put up with men f***** me" after he said that he apologises. He will always say nasty things to me then apologise. He will say nice things to me sometimes too but im an intelligent girl but I cant seem to think clear through all of this. Oh god, this is ever so painful..I know I did wrong at the time but if he is saying he loves me and cares about me I am only reaching out to him in my time of need and he hangs up on me. He says he felt really bad that I ignored him last week and he is " still not over it" but why would he hang up on me when I feel exactly the same way last night. I am so confused

Why am I calling a man who is treating me this way? I feel like my head is melting. I hate myself because I feel so used and just thrown away. I was good enough to sleep with other men to pay for him to come and see me and now it feels like I have no use. I havent done any escorting for a good 3 months. I am devastated. I feel suicidal and I dont know how to bring myself up from this. I am on medication and he tells me I shouldnt be taking them. Why cant he understand that at the time, I did what I did to support myself as I had no one to help me. When he talks to me he has no respect. I dont even know why he still wants me to be in contact with him. I feel so beaten down from all of this. I dont know where my confidence has gone. I just feel like I am dying already..
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