Finally I got to a computer! There's something I've been meaning to ask y'all...
I don't know what's wrong with me. I've been dating my bf for about a month, talking daily for two, but last weekend, something changed.
I was completley into him, ecsastic that maybe I had found my "the one"... until we finally went all the way. Lying in bed after, our limbs intertwined, all the reasons I thought I was falling for him for, morphed into reasons I could not stand to be in the same room.
TBH I've had this problem with almost all the men in my past. I convince myself I'm falling in love, thereby giving myself the ok to consummate the relationship...and poof. My "feelings" completely disappear.
I didn't want to end it while we were still in bed, despite the overwhelming urge to (I had just taken his virginity, after all) so I decided to give myself a week to see if anything would change... but no. After another weekend together, where I tried very hard to care, I'm just more annoyed than ever. Now there's a list of reasons in my mind I want to flee. (The power dynamics are off (I wear the pants), he disgusts me physically, the sex is terrible, he's a total p*$$y about everything). I don't want to write out the whole thing cause it's mean, but just so you know, it's also LONG.
The obvious answer, of course, is that I need to end it. But there's a part of me that's unwilling to let go so quickly. He's a really nice guy, after all, and a fantastic boyfriend; and I know those don't come around very often. And I really think I'm broken, dead inside. With how hard I love(d) my ex, I don't think anyone will ever measure up. Maybe that was it for me, maybe that was the ill-fated love affair of my life; and I should settle now for practicality (it would be hard to beat Mr. AS on that account, on paper he is perfect for me).
I just don't feel anything for him. I feel: longing for Wesley, regret about my abortion, guilt regarding my inability to measure up to parental expectations, and basic feelings, like hunger, annoyance, etc. That is ALL.
What should I do? Give it more time, because he is a nice guy, smart, and we have things in common? Is it possible if I give it more time I'll begin to feel things? Or should I end it now? If so, how should I do it in such a way that it doesn't mess him up/ turn him away from women for life?
...and I feel like I'm naked in front of a crowd,
'cause these words are my diary screaming out loud,
and I know that you'll use them however you want to...
He has Asperger's. He is what, in his mid 20's and never even kissed a girl. You knew all along you'd be wearing the pants physically. That was inevitable. You had the foresight for that.
Someone also mentioned a few weeks ago that it almost sounds like you wanted to conquest him, like he was so different from your usual men that you had to see where it goes no matter what. Is there any truth to that? It almost sounds like it was all about the conquest for you.
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I thought a psychic girlfriend would see the real me.
And she did.
I just didn't think she'd call the police.
yea, see, i don't think this is the guy for you. i don't think you feel anything more towards him than you felt for the other guys of your past. you just got the butterflies again, like you did with that foreign guy, for example, but now that time has elapsed, there is nothing.
he does sound like a nice guy, though. so i'd say that you ought to be honest with him and break up with him. he doesn't deserve for you to have these feelings for him, while pretending otherwise.
that ex of yours is really giving you a hard time, spookie.
__________________ But he's an immature, sadistic, manipulative little weenie!!!!!
Ok... he sucked in bed. Good enough reason to me for dumping him.
I think you haven't healed from what you've been through in the past. And possibly the act of being so intimate with this guy stirred up the past enough that your mind is attempting to shut it out instead of deal with it.
I'm sure some of the reasons you have for not wanting to continue a relationship with this new guy are valid, but I think some of the feelings are emotional backlashes from your past. That's probably why you seem torn between wanting to break up and feeling unjustified for doing so.
Anyway, when you break it to him that you don't want to be in the relationship anymore, it might help if you simple reassured him that it wasn't anything he did or didn't do, that you appreciate his kindness, blah blah... Try to leave him with some dignity since you stole his virginity. Be firm, be polite, be respectful, and be firm. I don't think he needs to know your overwhelming feelings of disgust toward him, or the past issues you're still dealing with. Just tell him you appreciate his efforts and time, but the relationship isn't what you need right now and then wish him happiness in the future.
Maybe others have better suggestions on that. All I know is the two times I attempted to give a person "closure" after telling them it was over, it ended up with them guilting me into staying... only to have me lash out until they finally left me the hell alone. I've found just sticking to the fact that it's over, and that I do want them to be happy in the future, is about the best I can do for someone I'm breaking up with.
He has Asperger's. He is what, in his mid 20's and never even kissed a girl. You knew all along you'd be wearing the pants physically. That was inevitable. You had the foresight for that.
Someone also mentioned a few weeks ago that it almost sounds like you wanted to conquest him, like he was so different from your usual men that you had to see where it goes no matter what. Is there any truth to that? It almost sounds like it was all about the conquest for you.
I think Krytie said it. His words have been echoing in my head all day.
The thing is, I don't know! I didn't think of him as a conquest at the beginning. There were things about him I liked. A LOT. Things I still like. Like the bs-free nature of our relationship (at least on his end... I'm not doing such a hot job upholding my side of it, evidentally), how smart he is (though now I'm starting to think he's not smart as much as he is in possession of a lot of useless information, which is starting to get on my nerves).
I knew I'd be wearing the pants physically. After all, people learn about sex in a fluid manner; I've been experimenting since I was 14, so I have 8 years more experience than he does.
But I'm unwilling, for example, to always be on top when we do it. (He tried it once but said the cardio aspect was too much due to his sedentary lifestyle = huge turnoff). I'm also unwilling to fulfill his desire for buttsex... with me on top, "pegging".
It's stuff like that. Physically. There's also a lot going on emotionally/mentally. Walk nailed it.
Last edited by spookie; 10th February 2008 at 9:37 PM..
yea, see, i don't think this is the guy for you. i don't think you feel anything more towards him than you felt for the other guys of your past. you just got the butterflies again, like you did with that foreign guy, for example, but now that time has elapsed, there is nothing.
he does sound like a nice guy, though. so i'd say that you ought to be honest with him and break up with him. he doesn't deserve for you to have these feelings for him, while pretending otherwise.
that ex of yours is really giving you a hard time, spookie.
You're right.
I wish I could have figured all this out without getting his hopes up. He seems to REALLY want a relationship right now. I know how that feels, I've been in his situation and unfortunately I think there are a lot of lessons he has yet to learn the hard way.
I'm going to try to be as nice as I can about it, but I think I need to do it soon. He's looking at getting a car and moving into a new apartment... things he's wanted/needed to do but previously had no motivation for. I don't him to change his life around for me only for me to leave.
On the other hand... I do think this was good for him. It was definitley an important learning experience.
well, i don't think he was just a conquest for you. personally, i think that you genuinely did like this guy. because he was different--ie, not an *******--he kind of wrapped you up. his different nature perhaps made you think that maybe you had finally been given a glimpse of light amidst all of that darkness that was consuming you at that time.
i think that you honestly felt that you had found yourself a good guy, a different guy, a guy who would treat you right. and you went for it, not for conquest but for hope.
however, i believe that you hold you ex to such a standard, that no guy will ever measure to him. after all, i think that when you think about love and what it means to love and be loved, you automatically think of your ex. he is your default, even though he wasn't good for you. but that is the love that you know, and therefore it is hard for you to accept and understand a new one.
that's what i mean by him having a strong hold on you still.
this guy--yes, he doesn't deserve to be lead on. nobody does, and you know what. but that doesn't make you a bad person. i think you are just not ready to delve into a committed relationship just yet. sure, it has been a while since you have parted ways with your ex, but that doesn't mean anything if you haven't fully healed.
he may be nice and whatever else, but your heart doesn't want him, that is evident. and you have that right, spookie. i don't think you should start beating yourself up, like you have a tendency to do, because you really didn't do anything wrong.
Wow, Spookie. I can totally relate to your post. We're eerily similar. The same exact thing happens to me with every guy I date. I'll be head over heels and then suddenly *poof*. Once I've won him over my interest dies. It's made me wonder if I'm actually incapable of loving another person, unless they don't love me back.
My curiosity dies so fast.
I don't want to anger you, but I think you were unconsciously using this guy from the outset. I believe he was a conquest to you and you lost interest once you got him. I've done the same thing, and I'm not proud of it. For me it's all about the emotional conquest (perhaps with you it's more physical). I love the challenge of breaking through emotional walls.
Btw, I think this problem may stem from a combination of having some Asperger's and Borderline traits in my case. I dare say you may suffer from the same disorders. In fact I'd bet quite a bit of money on you being Borderline.
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"You can't live your life in fear of rejection. You have to do what you feel is right at each crossroads, and you have to believe that you can find what you're looking for, even if you dont know yet what you're looking for." -Isolde, LS member
Last edited by shadowplay; 10th February 2008 at 10:47 PM..
well, i don't think he was just a conquest for you. personally, i think that you genuinely did like this guy. because he was different--ie, not an *******--he kind of wrapped you up. his different nature perhaps made you think that maybe you had finally been given a glimpse of light amidst all of that darkness that was consuming you at that time.
i think that you honestly felt that you had found yourself a good guy, a different guy, a guy who would treat you right. and you went for it, not for conquest but for hope.
however, i believe that you hold you ex to such a standard, that no guy will ever measure to him. after all, i think that when you think about love and what it means to love and be loved, you automatically think of your ex. he is your default, even though he wasn't good for you. but that is the love that you know, and therefore it is hard for you to accept and understand a new one.
that's what i mean by him having a strong hold on you still.
this guy--yes, he doesn't deserve to be lead on. nobody does, and you know what. but that doesn't make you a bad person. i think you are just not ready to delve into a committed relationship just yet. sure, it has been a while since you have parted ways with your ex, but that doesn't mean anything if you haven't fully healed.
he may be nice and whatever else, but your heart doesn't want him, that is evident. and you have that right, spookie. i don't think you should start beating yourself up, like you have a tendency to do, because you really didn't do anything wrong.
just let him go. and hang on to yourself.
I think I like this analyzation the best, probably because it doesn't make me out to be somewhat of a monster.
You're right that at the start of this whole thing, Mr. AS seemed like a beacon of lights amidst darkness. I wanted badly for him to signal the start of something new, in other aspects of my life as well; in many ways he has. That's why a part of me is wondering if perhaps this is how good things start; if maybe I'm wrong for wanting to leave so quickly. I don't care about him yet, that's true; I know at this point in my R with the ex, I was already in love; but maybe that doesn't mean anything?
A lot of the things about him I find annoying I know would be easy to change. Some of them are borne out of his general insecurity regarding women in general and me in particular. Others (sex) just take practice. Maybe I should wait it out and see where things lead?
Or should I go with my "heart" and attempt to find someone who gives me butterflies, rather than trying to manufacture them by changing this guy to suit my specifications? (General wisdom, I know, is that we shouldn't try to change anyone... though in this case, I think the changes Mr. AS is making will benefit him in the long run.)
Btw, I think this problem may stem from a combination of having some Asperger's and Borderline traits in my case. I dare say you may suffer from the same disorders. In fact I'd bet quite a bit of money on you being Borderline.
Spookie, don't you remember me telling yout this?
This is two strangers reading the same information giving you an objective answer
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
Be firm, be polite, be respectful, and be firm. I don't think he needs to know your overwhelming feelings of disgust toward him, or the past issues you're still dealing with. Just tell him you appreciate his efforts and time, but the relationship isn't what you need right now and then wish him happiness in the future. 
spookie
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