[dolceuno]

I have been going out with my BF for a year and a half. I have known him for about 4 years. We had both been in relationships up to the time we met with me divorcing a few months after "meeting" and sleeping together; my BF had been separated for over a month.

The skinny...he had been in his relationship on and off for about 20 years. Married about 8 of them. Two boys now 7 & 11. The catalyst in the demise of the relationship was she became a born again Christian and he did not. She had a drug problem and went to one of those ranches and came out a new person. Commendable but my BF God believing and such ,couldn't convert to extent that she did. To me a good person they both are but a death essentially of his spouse because of her life changing decision. His off color and dark sense of humor no longer allowed and actually became offensive...he was continually walking on egg shells trying not to offend. He endured for about 10 years. He got married because she became pregnant...fact not and excuse.

So here I am and this guy has the biggest heart and the endless capacity for love. He has been living with a roommate since the separation and then he meet me shortly thereafter. Neither of us thinking of what we could be getting into but it flourishes and being almost 45 years old (and diviorced 4 times) I believe I have found a person that I don't have to feel compelled to fix or mold. I don't have to force anything. Comparison? He is the kindest and most caring person, father, friend a person could have.

In saying that he is afraid to file for divorce stating that it will ruin his kids lives and he still wants to be supportive of his STBEXW as she was a stay at home mom and is in college right now. He has begun (again) staying the night to be there at night to help with the kids and to watch them when she's at school etc. She knows he's dating no one and obviously neither do the kids. She thinks he and I are friends and that's what he tells her. He says he's deathly afraid if he files she will go off the deep end and take the kids to another city 100 miles from where he works. He says he knows he can't ever move back in because he is in love with me but yet he is paralyzed at this time. Oh and did I mention he's a procrastinator (takes one to know one). It seems he works best with deadlines.

So he has begun omitting things like I took the kids and the STBEXW out for the day because they were bored and we stayed over in Vegas because my dental work was excruciatingly painful (he actually did have a crwon placed) Omissions are lies in another form. This is what he is doing to her and his kids by not telling them that he's filing for divorce and chatting with his children about the plan. That's big Now it's pouring over to me because he doesn't want to hurt me by discussing what's up in his life.

So I felt something was awry yesterday but none the less a gut feeling cuz no return text messages or phone calls...(when he's with his kids and wife that's the MO) so I addressed it in an email. I don't want to give ultimatums as I have communicated to him as things got more intense in our relationship, that I could not be this hidden GF forever and that he needs to be fair to all parties involved - honest...especially his kids (no I don't expect him to tell them about me but divorce can be the natural progression to having a real GF that you don't have to hide any more) . As I see no progression but rather digression I had to say in my email last night that omissions are lies and so on.

He did reply 0530 this am saying he had dental work blah blah and that it was too late to drive back and that he did have the kids and the wife go along because they were bored (but omitted that part when I saw him the night before) and he got a hotel room and would be heading out in a few hours. He said he was sorry that our relationship had not progressed and that he was trying to help her and spend more time with his kids and that spending time with them was not an excuse to be away from me (FYI I have never ever said anything about him being a parent...ever. I'm a mom and I admire his love for his children) This is the rest of his email I know what I have to do, but..... I'm scared I guess....I guess no time is a good time. There are just so many things going on in my head about my life, I guess I want some of them to clear out. School is one of them....I'm thinking my job is another. Maybe I need one with less stress. However, you are NOT one of those things in my head that I want cleared out......I'm also worried when I finally do have that "talk" with (*&^% (name omitted), its going to create more things in my head..........

I feel his head is generally in the right place but I feel I must back away so he can clear his head a make decisions. I cannot endure this nor should I have to...I am a patient person and I try to be understanding but I have had enough screwed up relationships to know that even when you love someone you must make hard decisions for the better. He would be worth the time out and I cannot say that for the realtionships of past.

I know this was a novel but is there another way of approaching this? I want his kids to be healthy because he did things right for them however painful for him. We are all reading Gary Neumans Helping Your Kids Cope with Divorce..except he is the only one who hasn't read most of it...

I'm in need for some fresh perspective!

Dolceuno

[blind_otter]

I would take a step back and re-evaluate whether you want to deal with this or not. When you date someone who is separated who still has extensive contact with their spouse there is a certain risk you take -- they might back out and go back to the spouse.

If I were you I would tell him that there isn't a relationship or won't be a relationship until he takes the steps to sever ties with his wife, and start making the transition from married to divorced.

[dolceuno]

TY and I guess I have been avoiding what to me feels like an ultimatum and I'm not about that. He says I'm his compass and strength but now I feel I am hindering a critical process...TY

[sb129]

You say he is "separated", but he is living with his W and kids, and she has no idea he wants a divorce, and she doesn't know about you- you are a "hidden" GF, so you are the OW in this scenario.
Sorry to be blunt, but you are. Its very easy for you to paint the W in a negative way, but your BF can't be all roses- he seems very adept at lying, how do you know he isn't lying to you?

I have been in a very similar scenario- ex was "staying in the spare room" but didn't want to leave because of their baby etc etc. It went on for ages, and the lies and deception eventually took its toll on our R, even though he eventually did leave his W.

I could never trust him, to this day I think he lied to me about alot of things, and got so caught up in all the lies he told so many people that he lost track of what was true and what wasn't. It wasnt' healthy.

I wonder what it is about this guy thats so unique that you are prepared to compromise your own dignity for him?

[dolceuno]

Originally Posted by sb129

You say he is "separated", but he is living with his W and kids, and she has no idea he wants a divorce, and she doesn't know about you- you are a "hidden" GF, so you are the OW in this scenario.
Sorry to be blunt, but you are. Its very easy for you to paint the W in a negative way, but your BF can't be all roses- he seems very adept at lying, how do you know he isn't lying to you?

I have been in a very similar scenario- ex was "staying in the spare room" but didn't want to leave because of their baby etc etc. It went on for ages, and the lies and deception eventually took its toll on our R, even though he eventually did leave his W.

I could never trust him, to this day I think he lied to me about alot of things, and got so caught up in all the lies he told so many people that he lost track of what was true and what wasn't. It wasnt' healthy.

I wonder what it is about this guy thats so unique that you are prepared to compromise your own dignity for him?

No he lives with his roommate and a few night a week over the last month he has been staying to watch the kids while she's in class and then he stays becasue the kids want him to. And yes he stays on the couch or whatever. They have spoken together just last month about going to a paralegal and he did confess to her why he didn't want to be married any longer. Strides for him. And no she does not know about me because initially I didn't want his divorce to predicated on this fact. My apprearance could come after the divorce. However the divorce has not happened. I guess when I need to take care of things painful or not I handle them and I expect others to do the same especially when hearts and emotions are at stake. This has not been the case and maybe I expect too much from people. My self respect is why I am writing to this forum because I feel it waning.

[guessjeans]

I dont want to be cruel..but girl..what did you expect? How many times have you read, seen, heard, talked about ppl just separating and or getting divorced need emotionial and physical support for their loneiless, and vulnerbilities. And you fit the bill!

What ppl dont understand that sooner or later, whether it be 2 months, or 2 yrs later, at some point they have to deal with these demons. The guilt that is associated with the break up of a marriage. And as we all know, the more time passes, the more we forget about the negatives, and remember more of the good.

This guy is screaming inside. But you had to know this day would come eventually. Everyone goes through this unless they are foolish enough to believe that someone can take all their troubles away and sweep the hurt, the pain the guilt under the rug for another day. Oh sure, as time passes we think, gosh, that wasnt as bad as I thought it would be! Surprise! That day has come, and his is now here.

Whether he gets back with you? i really doubt it. You served his purpose. He has now hit the brick wall and is now being forced to deal with all those emotions he kept under the rug all this time.

Walk away and let him be. You both got what you wanted out of this relationiship (if you call it a relationship) it was basically two very emotionally unhealthly ppl coming together for companionship and physically needs. You cant grow something on the basis of one or both being emotioinally unhealthly.

Let him be and move on with your life.

[LucreziaBorgia]

There is so much that can be said here, but the bottom line is simple: he may be separated but he is still very much emotionally attached to his family and is not ready to let them go. In his mind, starting a new life with you means the final death of his old life. He simply doesn't want to pull the plug.

You'll want to consider moving on, and getting your head and heart back together.

[sb129]

Originally Posted by dolceuno

I guess when I need to take care of things painful or not I handle them and I expect others to do the same especially when hearts and emotions are at stake. This has not been the case and maybe I expect too much from people. My self respect is why I am writing to this forum because I feel it waning.

I hear that.

Which is why you need to stop indulging him and making it too easy for him not to do anything. Remaining secret but continuing to see him when it is convenient for him allows him to get comfortable with things just as they are, but its crippling for your self respect.

Walk away- it will be painful, but you owe it to yourself to be the strong character in this play; if he is really worth his mettle, he will get off his arse, initiate a divorce, and beg you to take him back.

[Mr. Lucky]

Originally Posted by dolceuno

I being almost 45 years old (and diviorced 4 times)

I don't want to be cruel dolceuno, but didn't you learn anything 4 times through the process? Divorce is messy and, with kids involved, had ties the bind far beyond the date of the decree. There has to be a less-encumbered and more rewarding relationship out there somewhere (where people can actually know you're the GF )for you. This isn't it...

Mr. Lucky

[pumkin]

Dear Dolceuno,

I don't know if you received all the advice you needed about this situation or not, I hope you have made strides to move forward without him. he doesn't sound like he knows himself very well and perhaps can't handle upsetting people and so tells them what he thinks they want to hear. you say you were sleeping together, I assume that means sexual intimacy, but it seems that the emotional intimacy was only on your part and perhaps you read more into it than he did. I'm sorry for your pain, hopefully lesson learned though, not to get involved with someone who simply isn't emotionally available. Good luck to you.

pumkin