I've been with my boyfriend for just over 2 years,
we had a pretty rocky relationship over the past year (not cheating, just my depression was really difficult)
Lately things have defiantly going well, we've been communicating more, and understanding each others feelings.
My job has been almost non existent, I'm a security guard, awesome low paying job (sarcasm). I've applied everywhere, but I cant get hired.
I got offered to work on the cruise ships for 3-4 months, with excellent pay.
My boyfriend was all for it, and totally supported me.
But I defiantly had abandonment issues, and asked him if he would promise me that he would be with me still when I got back.
He told me "I cant make a promise, anything can happen".
Of course I totally freaked. and then put everything on hold because I thought "stay here because I love him, or go and make a living".
Then I asked him why he cant promise me! I'd promise him!!
He said to me "honestly, what do you think i'm going to do" in the "i'm not going anywhere" tone.
I am so afraid of losing him. It's not like we're in trouble with our relationship, but why am I so afraid that hes going to enjoy life more without me? is it just my terrible low self esteem? or am I somewhat thinking normal?!! Help!!
Your BF is just being realistic. It doesn't sound like he will hit the bars looking for a new girl the night you leave. But, communication and contact are very important in a relationship. Who knows, you may meet another guy on the cruise ship that you are interested in. It goes both ways. Months apart for a significant other can be detrimental but also very good for a relationship, because both people learn to appreciate what they have together. If either of you move on, well then it wasn't meant to be. It is very unfair of you to make him promise. It also shows your insecurity.
You should not have asked him if he would promise to still be around when you got back.
You are an adult and make your own decisions.
Now your insecurity is on the table and he knows he's "got" you.
You're not presenting him any mental challenge.
Just go and don't cut your losses.
Ok, I don't think you broached this subject the best way, but I also think your boyfriend was insensitive in his response.
The best way to handle it would have been to ask directly "you know, I think this is a great opportunity for me, but I'm concerned about the strain it might put on our relationship. What do you feel about having a long distance relationship for a few months?"
If he said "I don't know, I can't promise you anything" to that question, I'd kick him to the curb. How you phrased it may have invited a less than thoughtful response on his part.
However, you've been together for two years. Don't let other people suggest your insecurity is at fault here. A solid, two year relationship can easily endure 3-4 months apart. Yes, I said it, EASILY, as long as both people are committed. I'd be bothered by a response like that too. I'd think a loving partner would say "long distance can be difficult, so we'll need to work extra hard at communicating. But this is a great opportunity for you. Is there any way we could see each other halfway through? I love you and support you in this." At the very least, you want a relationship were someone loves and is that committed to you, to express himself in that way.
I'd be hurt by his comment too. It's not very sensitive. Did he say anything reassuring along with it? I've said things earlier in the game to women along the lines of "I can't predict the future" and they were really hurt by it, but I always followed with "but I see a serious long term future with you, I wouldn't be dating you otherwise, and I can't wait to have more adventures and grow more close to you." I meant it. I would have been a dick not to offer that reassurance when they were making themselves emotionally vulnerable.
__________________
I thought a psychic girlfriend would see the real me.
And she did.
I just didn't think she'd call the police.
Actually by her stating "do you promise me you will stay faithful to me and be there when I get home for me" she is showing him SHE doesn't really have faith in HIM.
It is very possible he was put off by her asking that question and he realized that she really doesn't have faith in him deep down. So...why should he bother with trying to hold it together with her if she's just not going to trust him and have faith in their relationship anyway?
I also definitely DO think that the question was very immature and insecurity is the HEART of the matter. Here is another angle....what possessed you to ask him such a question in the first place? There is something deep down inside you which is causing you to question him and his desire for you and his commitment to you. Sounds like there may be problems already with his commitment toward you or you wouldn't have that insecure feeling of having to demand to him that he remain faithful and committed to you while you are on your trip. If you had a solid relationship, 4 months is squat and you wouldn't have felt the need to ask the quesiton if his commitment to you is really there. If a man made a comment to me like that, I interpret that loudly and clearly as "I don't see you as the one I am going to marry. We have been together two years but now I am having my doubts and I am going to be moving on from this chapter in my life (with you.)" His response to your question was his way of telling you that he doesn't see you as "the one." He is nicely letting you know that he doesn't want to commit to you.
In any case, especially the second scenario, it is probably time to cut bait and move on. You sound pretty young anyway, think of this as a great new adventure and cutting him out of your life is part of that great new adventure and on to bigger, better, and more exciting things!
Last edited by pisces fish; 4th February 2008 at 11:43 PM.
I appreciate everyones Honestly, and I can totally see what you all are saying.
In the past, i've been cheated on by every person i've dated.
I totally have the mentality that everyone out there is a slug.
This time around, this Boyfriend has never given me reason to doubt him.
He's totally open, and I trust him completely.
I'm starting to see that My insecurity is a total turn off.... I never really thought of it if the tables were to turn.
I'd be pretty crushed if he made me promise...
because You are right, why would I already jump the gun that something is going to happen?
we're not dating casually, we're serious about each other.
My not letting go of my past, and placing him in the category of the others is a total low blow to him.
so, I guess I deserved a snarky remark from him.
I really should work on getting my head outta my @ss and move on from my past. He's never done anything to me to hurt me, so I gotta let my guard down.
I'm not going to stop living my life for someone else.
that... was SO hard to say.
but you all are right. It can go either way.
I guess I just have to take it one day at a time.
Thanks everyone
I truly appreciate everyones piece!
I think that any way you would have phrased it , he would still have the same answer. I understand that what he said is the last thing that you wanted to hear, because he is giving off the impression that anyting can happen. Which he blantley stated. Would you had rathered that he promised you he will wait, just to avoid an argument? I think you should go and persue the cruise ship. This may be a once in a life time opportunity. I think you should go for it!!! Let him know that you would still like to keep in touch during the process and that you care for him very much. And when you return and he still wants to be with you then you will welcome him with open arms. But while you are pressuring him to promise you that he would still be there when you return, how do you know that you wont meet anyone new?
__________________ Dont let your happenings upset your happiness
Yes my husband does not like when I leave at all. He threatens me. It is most likely because when I have left the state I have cheated on him with different men. I have promised him I won't do that anymore. He doesn't believe me. All I can do is try to prove to him I am not going to like I have done in the past. I'm not sure when he will start trusting me again. But your boyfriend having told you the truth, and being realistic is noble. You should be proud.
After dating for over 2 years he should promise that he'll still be there after 3-4 months with confidence! I'm absolutely shocked at some of these responses, being long distance for 3 months shouldn't destroy a 2+ year relationship.
The bf's response was weird, in a bad way. It's not the reply of someone devoted and in love.
To the OP, take the job, it sounds like you really need it. If your bf can't wait for you for 3 lousy months then he probably won't stick around much longer anyways.
I got offered to work on the cruise ships for 3-4 months, with excellent pay.
Congratulations! You should definitely do it. Your boyfriend will probably go wild with all the freedom in the beginning, but then he'll eventually begin to miss you. By that time you'll be back.
I got my passport on its way!!!
I"M GOING! TO DO IT!
Congrats Pink!!!!
I wish I had enough courage as you do. My best friend and I had a ship date and I chickened out at the last minute. But she still went and she loves it! It would be a great experience for you. You get to see all the different island, countries, and make great friends.
Kudos, for not letting someone hold you back and you put yourself first
Because the way I see it, thats all who is going to matter in the long run anyway.
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I want to travel... he.....
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