[Bekkie]

My sister in law and I met before either of us were married. she seemed really nice and an easy person to talk to. I used to be annoyed by the way she spoke to my kids from a previous marriage but put it down to her youth and not having kids of her own. over the years it has not improved, and she is still telling me what to do, questioning my actions and choices with my four children (she now has a 2 yr old son, sadly born too soon and with cerebal Palsy) It was not such a problem before, because we live on different continents now, and even though she and her husband have given me the cold shoulder for a long time now, there have been no words between us I can think of that would cause this problem. They are visiting at the moment and she is generally very cold towards me now, if she speaks to me it is a direct question answer kind of thing that is not conversational. If I in any way try to be friendly with her she smiles sweetly and gets away as soon as possible. when we are not within earshot of other family she often has a bitchy comment for me, or tells me how I should do something or critisizes what I am doing. I am o.k. with this because we don't have to live in each other's pockets, and I often explain to her why I do what I do, and sometimes just ignore her, but I have noticed for a long time now that most people who are her friends seem to look at me with contempt or say odd things to me, like they are trying to find out something, or trick me into saying something bad ... I am not sure, it is just weird. I am not used to this sort of thing, I have made it a point not to be friends with or mix with people that scandle or who find sarcasm and nasty comments their source of humour. I would have loved to have been a better support to her in her traumatic experience and could not get close to her. I am at a total loss as to why I am so disliked, people do not usually treat me this way, and I am told I am a friendly, bubbly kind of person. My husband says I can come across a bit pushy and too direct sometimes though. I also have a suspision that this might have been caused by my mother in law. Her and my sister in law are good friends, and my children from my first marriage have only ever been treated "differently" by both of these two "ladies in law". My ex in law family are great with my younger children, even my ex mother in law who was a real monster in law while I was married to her son, is really sweet to my children as a group (even though she still hates me for the divorcing her abusive and cheating son)

My Husband is totally understanding of the situation, he has witnessed the "cold shoulder" treatment for himself and has on more than one occaision gone to speak to his mother about treating the children eaqually with presents and attention etc, and this has improved. He is begining to become really angry about the situation and is ready to cut his familly off. I am heart broken about this because family is so very important to me, and I do not wish for a broken bond between him and his brother. His other brother and wife are great, and I have experienced no problems with them, they also tend to often have other plans when there are family functions, and seem to not be as involved. I have also cut down our involvement, but I am always willing to change my plans and accomodate the others because I am not a working mum and everyone else is working and earning a salary. (perhaps this is the source of their discontent) We are a happy family, my mum lives with us, she and my hubby get on well and we lack for nothing other than more hours in a day! We have had our share of problems like most families/marriages, but have worked through them and come out stronger. My kids are doing well at school and my one year old is still breast feeding and is fat and healthy. I have no personality clash with any of these people because initially all was hunky dory. Somewhere along the line the wheels fell off and now I am being treated badly.

Should I just let it go, wait it out quietly till they go home to their own country or should I say something before my husband explodes at them all, in which instance, my kids are going to miss their granny . . . . .

[ElvenPriestess]

I have/had that as well. His twin sister. I remember I called while he was back home, and I asked him to put her on the phone since they are VERY close, I'd love to meet her. He got happy about it, and I heard her loud and clear when he told her who it was she said VERY loudly "NO! NO! NO!"

She's a loud obnoxious type, but she's always been the one closest to him, so whatever right? I'd never even met her before! And the email I got was catty and rude, a blow off. In person, she was just like yours is. And it came out why, she was jealous I'd be his #1 priority, not her anymore? Yeah.

But yeah, I relate to you, you are very lucky in one way. Yours is on your side, and understanding. Mine wasn't, he saw it, accepted she was rude and cold and loud, and irritating, but that it's my fault some how? Because I would not engage her on purpose? So you're lucky.

What to do about her? She's family, not a whole lot you can do, just be civil, don't go out of your way, but be polite. And really, it's HIS sister, so if she has a problem with you the wife, he needs to deal with it. And it sucks, I know, and I'm very sorry to you.

Don't let her get the better of you. I used to, and it made it worse.

[4home]

I'm in the same sad situation as you but with more family members involved
because of like what you mentioned in your post about causing scandal upon others and think being sarcastic and nasty is humorous.
This is my husbands family which is this way it is a miracle my husband does
not act this way also maybe its because he's the baby and most of the family lived elsewhere I don't know.
Anyway I put up with their miserable crap for most of my marriage of 24 years
and I guess they got bored with me because as soon as my daughter turned
18 they went after her causing scandal against her and nasty treatment.
They told her that she's just like me! I take that as a compliment because what it means is she grew up and saw their true colors. If you tell them that their mean rotten nasty behavior is wrong they will eat you alive!!!
I am so proud of her for standing up for herself I wish I had been as strong as her so I wouldn't of had to put up with so many years of abuse. Because as of 1 year 2 months ago we have not seen or spoken to these so called family members this last straw has broken the camels back as the saying goes.
And which is also really sad is that these people proclaim to be christians.
What great example their showing us (sarcasm ) and their children and grandchildren it is so pathetic I pity them.

Anyway the moral of the story is don't let them be rude or intimidate you especially in your own home. A rude look or comment from them stop what your doing and just ask why did you just look at me that way, why did you say that to me, right then and there put them on the spot. I always thought of things to late and it simmered until it blew up!

If that doesn't stop their behavior then you did your best and go your separate ways. A big lesson I have learned out of this is just because their family members doesn't mean they should get away with abusing you. They wouldn't get away with this with friends or strangers why with you. You wouldn't stick around with a so called friend who treated you this way why with relatives. I think the saying you need family is pushed on us and we feel like were nobody if we don't have a family. Well life just isn't black and white theres all the shades in between. Theres millions of people out their without family members in their lives for some reason or another and they survive.
Live life a little more "stress" free don't hang around with it!

[Bekkie]

Since Their last visit (3 months now) absoultely no contact from the brother and sister in law. No response to any mails or skype chats (I see when he comes on line and he has made no attempt to even say Hi)
I'm so upset today cause my husband got a phone call from his other brother (a real nice guy) who passed on a message to "us" from the other one and his wife to say hello and lots of love to all of us etc, and that they're all doing well. My DH thinks this is great, that they really mean it that I am "included" dughh... like they would say all except the wife.... He seemed so happy about that, it's a bit pathetic.

I was kicked in the teeth collectively by my mom in law, her "life partner", my brother and sister in law, and her parents (I have only ever seen them twice, so barely know them) that came to visit at the same time.The Father got a bit drunk and had a few choice words for me that kind of exposed what they had been talking about. they think I am a nervous wreck who can't cope with anything, trying to make it look like my poor husband is stuck in a needy relationship and that my family is a burden to him (my mom lives with us, and is an amasing help with the children and makes my husband lunch for work each day) we are happy at home, no problems, all get along just fine and the kids are really good and are top of their classes at school. my second daughter has an amasing talent with art and I spend a lot of time with my kids and perhaps neglect the tidying, but my house is not dirty. (Yes there are ALWAYS toys laying around and the kitchen mostly has dishes in it - 8 people in the household) They don't know about the father telling me off in his own nice way..... and keep up this facade of "civility". I got a birthday card from mom in law and partner with a lovely gift. the card was signed "regards" ... it used to be "love" or "best wishes for the rest of the year". this just sounded cold and the gift was SO much more expensive than they have ever given. I have withdrawn myself from them somewhat, and will not let my children sleep over anymore (my eldest had complained that when there without me they were somewhat nasty to her - she is from a previous marriage, so not a biological grandchild) I felt sick to my insides accepting the gift, since it was obviously so disingenuous. I have not used the gift voucher, don't know what to do with it.

I feel somewhat betrayed by my DH's lack of stance here. He sees the situation for what it is, yet does nothing. He wants me to start the ball rolling.... I have considered being really direct about it, but am afraid it is going to cause a separation between the 3 brothers. They might/probably will all believe the mom in law's denials and I will be the one looking pretty petty and nasty. She does not even make proper arrangement to visit anymore, just comes around when it suits her. It is always at the most difficult time of the day - around the late afternoon, on a week day. I have 4 children, one still breastfeeding, and my brother's child stays with us after school, so there are 3 sets of primary school homework to get through, entertain the preschooler and keep the baby happy while cooking dinner and getting all ready for the next day and for bed. She does not help when she is here, just wants to spend time with "the girls" as she calls them - her biological grandbabies, the rest must just get along. I think what really hurts me the most is that she always brings things for my kids (Separated into catagories of the biological and non biological grandbabies) and leaves out my brother's child. She knows he is there, yet always says that she forgot about him. His mother is black and my brother white, so when she gets this disgusted look on her face when she looks at him I can only assume it is racism... so much for the "liberated lesbian".

Now it is begining to look like she has started working on my other sister in law ... they both said something about my kitchen 2 days apart from each other, using the same words - verbatim! When mom in law spoke I told her that it sounded like she had been speaking with the sis in law. she got a bit flustered and said "we weren't discussing you!" Ha like i was born yesterday.

She obviously wants her cake, and eats it too... Not with my little family she wont. I just don't know how to go about setting boundries without sending shock waves through the family. I am actually a really conservative person with strong old fashioned values and morals. I am not Pro gay, but I have never judged her or even discussed this with her. I have always shown her and her partner lots of love and respect. My husband recently accepted the Lord as his Saviour, and this has been a dream come true for me. All of a sudden, she is telling me how she is praying for us, and throws the Lords name into her sentenses here and there, it is down right creepy for me. I am no saint, so I can't really critisie her. Just last year she was asking me if I was religious! man after a couple of years in the family (almost 8 years) one should know a person, especially a daughter in law! she has never taken the time to get to know me, and when she "discovers" things about me, is always surprised. I think I am being too nice here, and am afraid that if I actually open my mouth about how I feel I might be too harsh and hurt feelings... I can be pretty tactless when on a roll, so I try not to speak out of turn.

any advise from some older seasoned "family members" perhaps a mother in law who would have an idea on how they would like to be approached by their son's wife?