dating someone with borderline personality disorder
Does anyone have experience being with a significant other with borderline personality disorder, or histrionic personality disorder? I'm wondering if you have seen a change in them through therapy? Someone I had been seeing for the past year and a half was recently diagnosed with these 2 personality disorders. Our relationship was very hard. He had lied to me, had been hot and cold emotionally, and very manipulative when he thought he was losing me. I just had enough and ended the relationship. He is really trying to talk to me, rationally for once, about his problems and how badly he wants to make this relationship work. It seems like everything I read talks about personality disorders being almost impossible to fix. I do care for this person, and was really in love with him at one time. He has done a lot of things to hurt me, but I'm wondering if he can turn these bahaviors around. He is seeing a psychotherapist now. I'd love to hear if you have any words of wisdom on this topic. Thanks.
I knew he wasn't NPD. He didn't act like it. Way too much drama.
I'm glad you now know what you're dealing with. I can't offer any experience with the two disorders you're talking about but I do wish you a boatload of luck, if you choose to proceed with someone with two disorders.
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He has traits of both disorders, but not all traits in each... thankfully. That would be a disaster. Not that this isn't. My brother is manic-depressive and was impossible to deal with but much better now. I had post traumatic stress disorder and dissociative amnesia, and I am also much better now. Am I really empathetic, or just stupid? I don't know. But, when you love someone, how do you bail on them when they finally are taking steps to heal themselves? Especially if you still love them? I'm just looking for someone who may have experience with a situation like this.
If you consider the drama you've experienced already, are you prepared for episodes of this, regardless of treatment?
Regardless of love, sometimes you have to do whatever works for you. I walked from an NPD spouse who cheated on me. He did end up getting treatment, thanks to LS and its knowledge base but this isn't something I was willing to live with, for the rest of my life. There's no cure for many disorders, only a lifetime of treatment and potential risks associated to it.
Whether the disorders you stated are treatable, I don't know. Best to find out what it takes and what the downsides are, previous to committing to something. The last thing you want to do, is to take the martyr's stance and put up with it for the sake of love, making both of you unhappy in the process.
Well, I don't personally have experience being in a relationship with someone who has those disorders, but I am a therapist so in my experience both disorders can be treatable. However it does require a really strong support system. The problem with personality disorders is that you can't "cure" them of it. You can only help treat/manage the symptoms so that they don't cause havoc in your life. If you truly love him and are willing to stand by him until he gets better than I commend you. But it will be a hard road for him to get better, you just can't cure someone overnight. But being with a borderline probably isn't easy, so I don't think you should be too hard on yourself if you feel that this relationship isn't right for you.
Maybe you could tell him that you want him to get better so maybe it would be best for him to concentrate on that for now. Keep in contact and keep supporting him, but until you see some evidence of his syptoms getting under control I don't think you should go back to him. That will just give him the idea that he doesn't need help, that it is ok to hurt you because he has "mental illness." That excuse gets used a lot in the mental health system. Make him take responsibility and get him motivated for treatment. That's all you can really do right now.
Those are the million dollar questions I'll be asking the therapist on thursday when we go together. Is there a treatment for these? How long does it take to see marked improvement? And, what is the course of treatment? My other big question will be what is his commitment to this process. Do you know if your ex husband has improved since getting help for his NPD? He does have symptoms of NPD as well. Like 3 symptoms of NPD, 3 of BPD, and 3 of HPD. I know it sounds like a logistical nightmare trying to get this all straightened out. I have a lot of questions for the therapist on Thursday, that's for sure.
Yes, I did see improvement but then, NPDers are very good at fooling themselves too. It takes a lot of continuous therapy.
If he's seeing a psychotherapist, leave the diagnosis to them. Everyone has symptoms of NPD, in that it's the ultimate in selfishness, but it's the degree of selfishness and egocentricity, that drives whether he has that disorder.
How long does it take to see marked improvement? And, what is the course of treatment?
It varies according to the patient. It just depends on the medication (if there is any), how hard the client is willing to work, and how severe the symptoms are. Chances are the therapist will probably tell you the same thing.
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Originally Posted by kle
My other big question will be what is his commitment to this process.
This would be a helpful thing you could find out. You may want to ask your bf the same thing and compare that to what the therapist says.
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Originally Posted by kle
I have a lot of questions for the therapist on Thursday, that's for sure.
That's a good attitude. Individuals with mental illness have a much better chance of managing it if they have a strong support system, and people caring about them. It is commendable that you go to the therapist with him, it shows how much you care!
lauriebell82 - I appreciate your response. I do have a question for you. Do you know, typically, how long it would take with 1 visit per week in therapy for him to start improving? Or, at least learn the skills to manage his behavior?
lauriebell82 - I appreciate your response. I do have a question for you. Do you know, typically, how long it would take with 1 visit per week in therapy for him to start improving? Or, at least learn the skills to manage his behavior?
I wish I had a better answer then "it depends." Because it does depend on a lot of factors. Generally in treatment plans, after a 3 month period we go back and assess whether or not the symptoms and/or goals have improved. But I work in a mental health clinic and we do more solution focused brief therapy. But generally when in therapy, you can start to see improvement in symptoms after 4 or 5 sessions, sometimes longer. You may want to ask the therapist since she is actually seeing him if she can give you an estimate based on his progress so far.
You're correct that personality disorders are some of the worst kinds of disorders in that they seldom respond to treatment nor do the patients have a lot of success changing their behavior. With depressives medication can often be found that works and some cognitive therapy can help cut off negative thinking. But really, what you see is what you get with personalities. If you are no longer in this relationship, you might consider yourself lucky. Help this person if you like, but you are certainly not obligated to.
Thanks! My therapist said the disorder that stood out most with him is Histrionic. It explains a lot of the drama and lying. I know he is trying, but he really needs to be able to commit to trying for the long term. Many times he's trying following a break-up or possible break-up and then it stops pretty quickly. That's why I'm going to counseling with him, and seeing what the treatment plan is. If he doesn't stick to it, then in my mind it means I don't mean enough to him to do it, and that's when I walk away. That's the boundary I think I have to set.
I agree with TBF that getting better has to be for him. I'm sorry I know you want him to get better, but honestly it sounds like maybe he is just going to treatment so you'll get back with him. It sounds like you only want him back if he gets better, but honestly what if he doesn't? What if he gets a little better, you get back wiht him, then he relapses? Are you going to break up with him again, or stick by him?
Because honestly, mental illness doesn't just get better overnight or even over a short period of time. And I always usually tell families that they should only be involved in treatment if they are willing to stick it out through the good and the bad. Because "the bad" is all part of recovery.
Please remember that he's not being mentally ill to spite you or to try to hurt you. It's who he is and if you want to continue a relationship with him, you have to be prepared to handle all the spikes associated to it, for as long as he's in your life.
He really can't help it but he can get help for himself. It will always be an uphill battle for him and, potentially, you.
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
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